Wait for Me
by lforlinstead
Summary: He'd lost her once, he couldn't lose her again. He'd waved her goodbye and she'd never returned alive. So who was this woman standing in front of him, and why did she look exactly like his wife? NOW WITH EPILOGUE
1. Chapter 1

It felt like torture, it really did. There was torture, and then there was _agony_. At this minute, Rachel Wilson was in the middle of feeling like she was experiencing the second option. Or at least, it _felt_ like she was.

Rachel gritted together her teeth, and tried to think about anything but the situation she was in. The ceiling was entirely too close to her face, she was feeling very claustrophobic and there was a thin layer of sweat forming on her skin. She had tried the deep breathing exercises to calm herself but nothing seemed to work. The only thing she was thinking, was that if she didn't get out of here soon she was about to go stir crazy and somebody would feel the wrath.

"Just a little bit longer, Rachel."

Fucking fabulous. That was _exactly_ what she wanted to hear, not. Rachel knew she wasn't allowed to move, because that would make this stupid experiment last longer, but surely this was taking longer than it should?

She'd never been a patient person. The doctor himself had told her that was probably the reason she hadn't stayed dead in the first place. He said she'd given up waiting for the life to be sucked from her, and grown impatient. But Rachel wasn't convinced on that fact. Partly because she couldn't remember anything about that night at all. It was the medical staff at New York Medical Center that had filled the gaps for her. They said her "death" had lasted only one hundred and twenty seconds. One hundred and twenty seconds that had changed her life forever.

Rachel had no memory of her car accident, the crash that had left her car in a heap of metal mess. She had no memory of the other driver, the one who'd walked away from the scene without scratches whilst she'd been fighting for her life. She had no memory of her life before the accident either, period.

Her mind drifted to Dan, their anniversary tonight and the dinner she had planned. Eight years…. It didn't feel like eight years. In some ways, Rachel felt like she barely knew him. The past year and a half blurred into a series of tests and more tests on her body, undertaken by her doctor. She'd had to familiarize herself with her husband and her friends again. A side effect of your accident, Dan had told her. Though her husband did travel a lot with work, so Rachel felt as though she'd done most of the re-familiarizing by herself.

He was due to fly in tonight, she could surprise him by being romantic. She wanted to sigh as she thought about Dan. Okay, so he was dedicated to his job. He _loved_ it. Rachel often thought he loved it more than her.

Rachel felt elated when the machine buzzed and the table retracted from the dark tunnel. Done. _Finally_. Fifteen minutes of hell, that's what it felt like. The technician emerged from the screening room and unstrapped the fastenings that had been holding Rachel in place.

"How are you feeling?" he asked.

 _Like shit_ she wanted to say. _Like absolute shit._ "Fine," she went with.

Her one word response earned a laugh from him. "You'll need to hang here a little while, so we can check we got what we needed."

Rachel nodded, that was normal after her monthly brain scans. She'd been through this many times before, so she knew she wasn't going anywhere for a little while. She rubbed the lengthy scar on the side of her hair line. When the tech had left the room, she got dressed and headed into the waiting area.

The TV flickered with a surreal image: it looked like a war had broken out, there were so many people on screen. There were flames, smoke and sirens. Flashing lights, and Rachel shivered as she watched the action on the TV unfold. She shuddered even more as she saw horror develop.

The camera zoomed on a plane wreckage. A banner showed at the bottom of the screen, with the label "Breaking News."

" _The crash happened just minutes ago. Flight 109 from Lincoln to JFK crashed just before landing. Many witnesses claim the aircraft burst into flames minutes before the runway. We have officials on the scene and an investigation is happening. But our earliest reports suggest there are no survivors."_

Rachel felt the air catch in her lung, and she temporarily forgot how to breathe. Quickly, she scrambled for her purse as she frantically searched through the numerous receipts for the note Dan had left her. The note that contained his flight information back from Nebraska, where he'd been for several conferences. In the process of her search, she sank to the floor.

"Rachel, is everything okay?"

She didn't raise her eyes to see who was speaking to her, too focused on finding the note.

It wasn't the same flight, it couldn't be. Dan was probably landing right this minute, and she'd see him soon at home when she was cooking dinner. He'd be in the same house as Rachel and their son Freddie, soon.

"Rachel, what is it? Do you need something?"

She vaguely recognized that it was the nurse talking to her. "A note. Dan's note. I have to find it-"

Okay she was overreacting. Dan was going to be _fine._ She scanned the entire contents of her purse until her fingers felt the slip of paper and she pulled it free from the inside. Dan's messy handwriting on a scrap bit of paper. Her fingers shook as she drew it close and read the words.

MY FLIGHT INFO: RETURN LINCOLN TO JFK, FLIGHT 109.

The paper slipped through Rachel's fingers. The room started to spin.

Her CAT scan, the anniversary dinner she'd prepared, the last year and a half of her life swam before her eyes. The nurse's voice was muffled now. Everything was going wrong.

"You really need to eat something," Audrey, Rachel's neighbor, set down a cup of coffee in front of her. She plonked herself in the chair on Rachel's left.

Rachel didn't look at her, but she could tell without eye contact that Audrey was sad. She'd adored Dan. In fact, everybody had. But that was because nobody except Rachel had been witness to his mood swings. His temper. And the fact that he loved to spend time away from home, on purpose. To everybody on the outside world, Dan Rachel and Freddie looked like the perfect family. Only Rachel knew that wasn't the case.

"Thanks," Rachel reached for the cup and wrapped both shaky hands around it. Audrey was right, she should probably eat something. But food was the last thing on her mind right now. She knew if she tried to eat, it would come straight back up. "But I'm not hungry."

The room went quiet, Rachel knew Audrey would disapprove her not eating. But she couldn't _make_ her.

"I have so much to do," Rachel continued, her head hanging low and her hands on the table. "Fuck, Audrey. I have _so_ much to do,"

"There's so much time to think about that. You don't have to do anything right now." Audrey's hand rested on top of Rachel's and held it.

"No," Rachel stated. "I can't stay here."

"Rachel, take some time. Don't make rash decisions-"

"You don't understand." Rachel felt herself getting agitated and rose from the table. She paced the length of the kitchen. "Living here was Dan's idea. _Everything_ here was Dan's idea. He… he made every decision we ever had to make." She closed her eyes, but it didn't make the pounding in her head any better.

"Rachel, he was your husband. You guys have been through so much this past year, with your accident. Of course he made all the decisions. It makes sense, given your medical history."

Her medical history. Her memory loss. The fact is, her memory loss had been Dan's excuse for everything. He'd been in charge of the finances, he'd made sure she was never alone, he'd even chosen the company that she currently was publishing for.

Thinking back, she should have insisted that he include her in such decisions. At the time, Rachel hadn't thought anything of it, but now she realized she knew nothing about their finance, their insurance or anything to do with money.

"Dan was the one who loved it here in New York. Not me."

"But it's your home, Rachel. You can't just _leave_. Dan's family all live here."

Rachel wanted to laugh. Dan's family? "Dan and his father haven't even spoken in like a year. The guy doesn't even acknowledge the fact that he's got a grandson. That isn't the type of family I want for Freddie."

Audrey sighed. "Okay, but just promise me you won't make any decisions tonight. You've been through a hell of a lot today anyway, and you're clearly not thinking straight. Which is understandable, but please? Sleep on it."

Her neighbor's concerned eyes stared Rachel in the face. Audrey wouldn't get it. But she didn't have the energy- or time- to explain. Rachel had always had this feeling of not belonging here, and it had been in the back of her mind ever since her accident. It had been haunting her.

"Sure," Rachel led with. "I'm not thinking clearly tonight. I guess I should turn in. Thanks for today," She picked up the mug of coffee and carried it towards the sink, in a bid to get Audrey to leave. She liked the woman, but she didn't take well to hints that she's outstayed her welcome. So Rachel tried to make it clear.

It worked. Audrey got up from the seat and walked towards the entrance of the house. "Will you be okay tonight? Freddie is sleeping, I know, but I could take him over to my house if you need some time alone?"

Rachel looked towards the stairs that led to the upper floor of her house. Where her four-year-old son was sleeping. She shook her head. "No, but thank you for offering. I don't want to disturb him. Plus, I'll need to be with him if he wakes. We'll be okay."

"I'm here for you Rachel, remember that. You need anything, I'm right next door."

"Thanks." Rachel forced the smile she didn't feel like showing. She certainly wasn't _feeling_ like smiling. With the quickest hug, Audrey made her way back to her own home. When she'd clicked the heavy door shut, Rachel surveyed the lower floor of her house.

She was alone. Totally alone. There would be no second car pulling onto the driveway tonight. Dan wouldn't be coming home tonight. She realized she'd never see Dan's face or feel him again. Of course he'd been a shit husband at times but he was still _her_ husband. And now he was gone. From now, it was her and Freddie.

Rachel forced herself up the stairs and towards the door of Dan's office. It was a room she was never allowed to enter, but tonight perhaps she would feel closer to him somehow. She felt a chill when she entered the room, realizing she'd never seen what was inside it, let alone seen it alone.

Her gaze scanned the room. His desk dominated the area, but there was a rather tall bookcase along one of the walls. Medical books on every shelf, the only books that Dan read because of his job. The large L-shape desk in the corner. She got nearer to it. A picture of Freddie with a toothy smile was placed on the corner.

Dan's room, Dan's stuff. His space that he kept private from Rachel.

She pushed the switch on the desk lamp and sank into the chair. There was a stack of mail on the corner of the desk. Bills, junk mail, whatever. She tossed the majority of the pile into the trashcan at her feet. They collided the bottom of the metal with a thud. The mail that was left over, she wanted to open. Dan usually used a letter opener, and it felt right that she did too. It wasn't visible on the desk though, so she searched through the drawers.

Rachel found the letter opener in the back of the fourth drawer, along with another letter than hadn't been opened. Her mind turned to Freddie, maybe he had put it there by accident? He'd gone through a phase of being obsessed with letters and mail.

Still, she tore at the seal and looked at the bill in her hand. Her brow wrinkled when she saw her name. It looked like a bill for her time in hospital, after her accident. There was a balance on there for nine thousand dollars.

Dan had always taken care of the finances, and told her everything was sorted regarding her medical bills. When Rachel looked closer though, she realized it wasn't a hospital bill, rather an invoice from some sort of nursing home.

Nursing home? That wasn't possible. She'd been in hospital for about eight days, she couldn't remember the exact amount but knew it was little over a week. Rachel had spent five days in the ICU, then another three on a more relaxed ward when she'd regained consciousness.

She looked at the bill again. _Chicago._

No, that wasn't right either. The accident had happened outside of Brooklyn, she's been driving home from a conference and somebody had ploughed into her. Plus, she'd never even been to Chicago had she?

The dates on the piece of paper were wrong, too. They spanned for more than two years.

Rachel's hands shook as she put the invoice on the desk. She felt an immediate chill.

Medical records. That's what she wanted to see. Dan had never let her see them. Not that it ever crossed her mind to check them.

She wheeled the chair over to Dan's cabinet. Looking for something with her name on. Nothing. She pulled open the second drawer with some force: tax stuff, papers to do with the mortgage and the house, his files from college and medical school etc.

But where the hell were her files?

Rachel was impatient.

It was in the third drawer that she found them. Medical records for herself, Dan and Freddie. Rachel reached for her own folder, flipping it open on the desk. She easily found the records for little things: a dental claim for a tooth removal, something from when she'd broken her little toe years and years ago, medical updates from this year after her accident.

There were no records of her pregnancy, nothing of Freddie's birth, nothing from where she'd been treated after her crash. They _had_ to be in different folders.

Rachel reached for the bottom drawer. She yanked her arm as hard as she could pull. It was locked. She searched through the other drawers and atop the desk, looking for the key. Quick thinking, she padded the carpet through into her bedroom, knowing a person like Dan would keep all things personal in his pants drawer. Her fingers clawed the material of his boxers before she heard a clink. She settled on something that was cold and metal.

She suddenly felt a dull ache from the scar on the side of her face. It happened in times of stress, in times of panic. And in times of anticipation.

A million and one things were running through her mind. _Don't open the drawer. Forget the key, hell forget the drawer. Forget about the stupid bill. You've been through enough today. Go to fucking bed._

Before she could change her mind, Rachel hurried back into the office. She tried the key in the drawer lock and it opened with ease.

Inside, there was a long metal box. Whilst she took in a deep breath, she opened the lid. More medical forms and bills filled the inside. Rachel scanned each one in turn, paying particular attention to the dates. All referenced a nursing home in Chicago. All mention dates up to five years in the past.

According to these medical bills, she'd been in a coma for years, not days. Freddie had been born by C-section when she'd been in that very coma.

Rachel shut her eyes, this couldn't be true! She'd had a long labor and Dan had held her hand through the whole thing. Dan had been with her when Freddie had been cut from her. She knew, because her husband had told her all about it. He'd replayed the story of Freddie's birth for her, so she could essentially see it even though she'd missed it.

She felt hot tears form along her bottom eyelid. And she figured another sudden realization.

There were no photographs. No images of her pregnancy. None in the house. Dan had led her to believe that she'd hated the way she looked when she was pregnant, that being the reason why there were no pictures of her with a baby bump. But there were none of her in a hospital gown either, and she couldn't believe that she wouldn't want to document the birth of her baby.

Rachel ran through to the spare bedroom, a room they rarely used for anything else but storage. She tugged down a few of their photo albums from the shelf, quickly flicking through the pages. Dan holding a new-born Freddie, Dan giving Freddie a bath, Dan feeding Freddie his first baby solids. _Shit._ In every single picture, it was Dan.

Panic overtook her body. Rachel had always assumed that she was the one who was taking the pictures. She tried to subsidize the pain in her chest with her hand, but it didn't work.

Dan was a _doctor_. He was her _husband_. She'd believed him, about everything. Why would he lie?

When Rachel was back in the office, she scanned a note, given by a neurosurgeon. Not her usual neurosurgeon.

DAMAGE TO THE LATERAL CORTEX. AS A RESULT OF SEVERE TRAUMA. PROGNOSIS: MEMORY LOSS, POSSIBLY PERMANENT.

Permanent memory loss. Coma. Years.

Rachel almost choked at the new information, but she still continued to flick through the torturous forms. Her stomach tightened when she saw Dan's signature on most of the slips. He'd been an attending physician.

 _Her attending physician._

What? Her husband would never have been allowed to oversee her recovery because that was strictly unprofessional. And against the law. _Nope._ Rachel wasn't a doctor herself, but she knew the rules. Dan would never have been allowed to do this.

By now, she was sweating. There _had_ to be an explanation. Something…

Rachel emptied the entire contents of the box, until she reached one final last parchment. It was face down, and her legs buckled from beneath her as soon as she flipped the image.

If her breathing was hitching before, it was definitely clogged now. She brought the image further towards her face, but it only made her sickly feeling heighten. There was also a blunt stabbing feeling, going straight through her heart.

It was a photograph of a young girl, who looked the same age as Freddie was now. A young girl with a disturbingly familiar face, curls of dirt blond and brown hair and the purest eyes Rachel had ever seen.

Rachel's eyes. They were the same color, shape and size… the same exact eyes Rachel saw whenever she looked in the mirror.

 _Oh God, Oh Shit._

Rachel had lost the ability to breathe. Something deep inside told her that this little girl, the girl in the photograph with the widetst grin couldn't possibly be anybody other than her daughter.

Jay Halstead tucked a towel around his waist as he walked through his rather plush hotel suite. He picked up the TV clicker and turned on the television. Then he ran a hand towel through his dripping hair and searched quickly for the news channel. It was the only thing he paid attention to nowadays.

The shower in the en-suite bathroom was still running, but it did nothing to disguise the singing coming from inside it. The heavy accent was evident even though she was only singing. She always sang when he had satisfied her, and he'd like to think he had this morning.

What Jay really wanted was coffee. He thought about calling room service, but the action unfolding on the screen caught his attention before he had a chance to locate his cell.

Flashing lights were taking over the screen, sirens sounding and media vans dotted around whatever was happening. Jay sat on the end of the bed as he watched the coverage of a plane crash.

His heart beat hard and his palms were suddenly sweaty. It was like watching Erin's plane crash all over again. It was a memory he wasn't ever going to forget, and his stomach clenched tight as he thought about it.

To make matters worse, he looked at the screen just as the destination and flight number came up. _Fuck_ he thought _I was supposed to be on that plane._

He was engrossed in the coverage, but was distracted with the familiar sound of his cell.

"Halstead."

"Dude, that's no way to answer the phone to your big brother. Also, you're an _asshole._ Have you seen the news? I've been fucking calling you for hours."

Jay couldn't take his eyes from the screen. "Yeah, I just saw."

"Where are you?" Suddenly his brother, Will, had taken to interrogating him.

Jay glanced around the room. "Wisconsin."

"Thank God. I thought you were flying to New York on that flight."

"I was supposed to," Jay exhaled as he thought about it. "But I had a meeting rescheduled."

"Jesus, that was supposed to be your flight man." Will muttered. "You alright?"

"What?" Jay was having trouble putting together coherent thoughts, let along stringing together a conversation with his brother. "Yeah, I'm good."

"When are you coming back?" There seemed to be genuine caution in Will's tone.

"Tonight, I think." Jay rubbed his spare palm across his forehead, he hadn't noticed his growing headache before. "I think Olivia'll be pretty upset by this. Drop by my place and see her, will you? This can't be easy for her to see."

"You got it, bro. Call me before your flight out."

"Sure." Jay ended the call.

He closed his eyes and pressed his cell against his throbbing forehead. The shower had stopped and soon she was gonna come out, but he didn't want to be with her right now. A thousand thoughts and memories were flooding his mind, and none of them had _anything_ to do with her.

Sure, Louisa was an attractive woman and he enjoyed her company at his convenience but he had absolutely no idea to know anything else about her. She was just a good _fuck._ He didn't want to share certain elements of his personal life with her, or anything about his past. If there were two things that he didn't discuss with anybody, they were his wife and daughter.

Jay turned back to the TV and clicked it off just as soon as Louisa came into the bedroom. She sported a towel that was much too small to cover anything, her fiery red hair dripped down her back. He didn't even know what had attracted him to her in the first place because he wasn't one to go for redheads. He much preferred dirt blond or brunette like Erin had been.

Louisa crossed the floor and pouted. She started speaking, but through Jay's eyes, there were mere words falling from her mouth. He knew she was trying to lure him back to the bed, but he avoided her touch.

She fluttered her long eyelashes in a bid to seduce him, but in fact it did the opposite. When he didn't act on her advances, she spoke.

"Well, I'll just have to wait for you to get back tonight." Her eyes travelled the length of his naked torso.

He knew the look she was giving him. She was about to be extremely pissed off when he told her he planned on flying home that evening.

"You said you'd be in town for a few days!"

"I planned on it, but something came up. Family stuff. I have to get back." In a way, he wasn't lying. Just the fact that he'd witnessed a plane crash on TV coverage made him want to be back home in Chicago with Olivia. "I'll make it up to you next time you're in Illinois."

"I don't plan on being in Illinois anytime soon. I'm here now, God damn it!"

He exhaled. "I know, and I'm sorry. It's just bad timing." He kissed her cheek, knowing she'd soon find somebody else to fulfil her needs. Louisa _liked_ men, and she liked them a lot. It wouldn't be long before she'd moved on.

Jay pulled up to his driveway around 7am the next morning. He was jet-lagged and he was _exhausted_. Because of the plane crash, getting home had been a nightmare: much more of a nightmare than he'd first expected. He quickly grabbed his luggage from the trunk and made for the house.

He hadn't had a chance to speak to Olivia since the TV coverage of that plane crash, and he wasn't sure how much she'd seen. But it would sure open up old wounds.

Olivia's bubbly laughter greeted him as he wandered into the kitchen. She was playing a game with Will before she heard him come in.

"Hey, Dad!" She slipped from the chair she'd been occupying and caught Jay in a hug. "What are you doing here? I thought you were working away for a few days."

"I finished early and thought I'd come home." Jay returned her embrace and planted a kiss into her curls. He dropped his back onto the nearest chair and bent to his daughter's level. He ran his finger the length of Olivia's nose, the one just like her mother's. Every time he looked at Olivia, he saw her mother. And it made his heart ache. "Missed you."

She frowned. "You came back because you were worried about me, didn't you?"

"You caught me. You okay, Liv?"

Olivia rolled her eyes, she acted so much like a teenager even though she wasn't one yet. "I'm fine Dad, really. You shouldn't worry about me so much," She squeezed her arms around her father's stomach and then skipped from the room.

Will turned to his brother. "Damn it, she's just like her mother."

"Don't I know it," Jay's eyes watched Olivia as she ran from the room. She didn't only look like Erin, she sounded just like her too. Every time Olivia laughed he loved it, but it also tugged at his heartstrings. She also had the same smart-ass attitude and driest sense of humor. Again, exactly like her mother. "Son of a bitch, she's growing up too fast."

"Yep," Will didn't offer any sympathy, but laughed at his brother's expense. "You're gonna be in a world of hurt in a couple of years."

"Oh, thanks for the reminder." Jay ran a hand through his hair, it was sticking up all over the place because of how much he'd travelled. "You sticking around for a while?"

"Think so," came Will's response. "Why, what's up?"

"I just think I'm gonna crash," Jay yawned, his day of travelling getting the better of him. "Thanks, Will."

"Sure."

Jay forced himself up the stairs, paused halfway and looked into the lounge. It was his fucking luck that when they were starting to get on with their lives, Erin's absence was back to haunt them: the recent crash reminding them of what they'd lost. Whether Olivia or Will (or Jay himself for that matter) were going to admit, the event had hit them hard. It brought back those torturous memories from five years ago.

He rubbed his aching head and continued the stairs. His memories were now swirling around his mind and he couldn't get rid of them. Jay flopped down onto the bed as that day- the last day he'd saw her- replayed in his brain. The day dropping her at the airport, kissing her goodbye, rubbing a hand over her not-yet swollen stomach and smiling at the news she'd told him the night before. He'd leaned in and inhaled one last breath of her scent.

He'd give anything for one more hour with her.

Jay's eyelids closed shut. There were tears that he didn't realize were there, and they stung him. Sometimes, he had trouble thinking about her face. He didn't know it was because the memory of Erin was too painful, or because it had been so long without her. Erin was etched onto his heart and soul _forever_ but the image of her face was slowly fading. He could still remember the huskiness of her voice, the one that had always tugged at something deep inside him.

His hand went to the burning in his chest. Part of him wished it would just go away, that would be so much easier. The other part was holding on like it was his last lifeline. He'd already lost her once and he couldn't bear the thought of losing what litter he had left of her.

 **Please Review!**

 **(I know this chapter might look/sound super confusing but bear with me. I promise it'll make sense soon x)**


	2. Chapter 2

"Knock, knock."

Rachel glanced up from her desk and forced a smile towards the doorway. She leaned back in her chair. "Hi, Matt."

Matt Adams, her new manager, dropped into the chair at the opposite face of her desk. "Looks like you're getting settled in. Can I get you anything?"

She laughed a little. "Stop looking at me like I'm going to fall apart. I'm _fine_ , Matt."

"Are you?" His brow lifted.

"Honestly, we're getting by. I'm okay. The place you found us on the outskirts of town is perfect."

"I'm glad you like it," he replied. "How's little Freddie?"

"He's okay." Rachel thought about her four year old son. "He loves it here. I think it was the right decision. But… I guess it's still hard for him to understand. He misses Dan." She did too, although she hated to admit it. No matter what he'd kept from her, no matter how strained their marriage had been, she was still having trouble believing he could intentionally hurt her.

There had to be a logical explanation for what he'd done.

Which was why she'd called Matt and taken up his offer of a job here in Chicago. She was popular in the publishing business, and Rachel remembered Matt reaching out to her a while ago. She'd essentially uprooted Freddie across states. She _had_ to find answers. Because she had to know what really happened.

"I know there isn't a lot I can do," his eyes darted across the stationary she'd set up on her desk. "But you know I'm here if you need anything, right?"

Rachel nodded. "I appreciate it, Matt. I really do. Just you giving me a job was the best thing you could have done."

Matt laughed. "I knew you were wasted in that job in New York, Rachel. It was nowhere near your potential."

The slight smile that had formed on her lips faded. Dan hadn't wanted her to work. He'd wanted her to stay home, working for herself if she wanted to do anything at all. He'd wanted her to 'get better'. So she'd just started writing articles for herself, because she needed to keep busy. But Rachel knew, if Dan hadn't died, she wouldn't be here now.

Rachel forced Matt a grin she definitely didn't feel. "If I need anything, you'll be the first to know."

Matt cleared his throat because he knew she was lying. "I think I can help with whatever you came here to do." He scribbled something on a post-it and pushed it towards her. "That's the name of a lawyer here I've used before. I don't know where you've got to with the search on the nursing home, but surely _somebody_ knows something. A lawyer might be able to help you."

She was thankful he was thoughtful. "Thanks, Matt. I'll call him later in the week."

Matt took it as a cue to leave. "Hey, cut out early Rachel. Go home to that boy of yours."

When he'd disappeared through her office door, Rachel swivelled to look outside of the building, via her office window. She took in the view of Chicago beneath her. Taking in a deep breath, she closed her eyes.

She and Freddie had been here for a whole week now and she hadn't remembered _anything_ about the place. If the information of the bills was accurate and she had in fact been in Chicago, _nothing_ had triggered her memory yet. Not the city or the scenery or the atmosphere. Of course she'd hoped that something would prompt her memories. But alas, it hadn't happened.

A visit to the nursing home had been a waste of her time. She'd driven out to it, but not even that had caused her to remember anything. The original building had burnt down in a fire two years ago, and the director of the rebuilt facility had practically slammed the door in her face. He'd refused to answer her questions.

So far, she was having no fucking luck. Everywhere she turned, the leads she had led to a brick wall. Somebody somewhere knew something. Rachel just had to figure out where to start.

Rachel reached for the lawyer's number Matt had left for her. She turned on her desktop and pulled up a search page. She scrolled through a list of lawyers in the Chicago area. The one name that stood out to her wasn't the name Matt had left her.

She stared at the screen for what felt like the longest time. Rachel debated her options. She'd gone with her gut coming to Chicago and something was telling her to go with her gut again, when it came to picking a lawyer to call. Something in the back of her head said trusting herself, and her instincts, was important. Perhaps more important than it had ever been before.

* * *

Jay stood at the window wall of his office, hands on hips, his gaze sweeping over the buildings surrounding his. The evening was just about setting in, and he felt like he'd been in the office for longer than ten hours.

Sometimes it was still surreal to him that he was the _head_ of the Police Department in Chicago. He'd imagined it to be a dream when his boss had called him into the office and proposed the job offer to him. _I'm about to retire_ Voight had said to him one morning, _and I want you to take over the Unit._ Since that day, he'd thrown himself into the job, travelling around different states to help solve the worst crimes.

Maybe it was for that reason that he'd thrown himself so far into the plane crash, Erin's case. Even taking away the fact that she was his wife, the case was brutal. Jay had propelled himself into the deep end, intent on finding out who was responsible. The coverage he'd done on the case meant he was practically a celebrity in the city. Everybody knew who he was, even if to some he was known as the guy who wouldn't give up on the case that had killed his wife.

The knock on the door broke him free from his thoughts, before he got too stuck up in them.

"Have you got a minute?" Izzy, one of his most trusted officers peered around the door.

"For you, I've always got a minute."

Izzy walked into the room, laden down with papers. "I'm flying out of Chicago, today just in case you had forgotten. Here's the updates on the cases your officers were working on, whilst you were out of town."

Jay groaned, he hadn't promoted her to second position for nothing. If he was honest, he wouldn't have survived the past years in the unit without her.

"Fine, but I need you back here as soon as," He didn't want to face his colleagues without her support. They had a good working relationship: Izzy wasn't afraid to speak her mind, tell Jay when he was wrong. "Was there anything else?"

Izzy chewed her lip. "You made it into the _Times_ again."

Jay's mood took a turn at the mention of the tabloid magazine. Izzy pulled the paper from her pile and tossed it towards him. On the front, a picture of himself and Louisa whilst they'd been out in Wisconsin. Walking through the lobby of his hotel on his recent visit.

"Fucking _fabulous,_ " he muttered. Jay sank into his chair as he read the headline: marriage rumors. Would the tabloids ever stop?

He clenched his jaw. Jay's relationship- if it could be called a relationship- with Louisa was anything but exclusive, and marriage was the last thing on his mind. Had she gone to the press herself, wanting to gain something out of it? Or had she done it when he'd suddenly upped and left, and she'd been pissed? Sure, he had _no_ control over what she said, but he thought Louisa was a better person than that. When they were together, they rarely talked about business and work. As a matter of fact, they rarely talked at all.

"Do you want me to handle it?" Izzy asked.

"No. Ignore it."

"Jay, the press will play this up. I really think you should make a statement."

Like he really gave a _shit_. The press could print anything they wanted about him. "I don't care what they print about me. We all know it's not true."

"I care," she continued. "It's my job to care. That's why you pay me so much."

"Izzy, I pay you so much because you earn it," Jay unscrewed the cap from the water on his desk and took a large gulp. He waited for her to get up and leave, but she didn't more. He could see from the look on her face that she had something else to say. "Izzy?"

"How are you, Sarge?"

He knew automatically she was referring to the recent plane crash. His jaw clenched. "I'm _fine_."

"Just the recent media coverage. I figured it would bring up a lot of stuff for you."

Tension floated into the air as she stared at him because clearly he wasn't _fine_. Their relationship was professional, but she thought it friendly too. They both shared a love for their job, a mutual admiration. But asking about his personal life…

There was a long silence.

"You're right," she said eventually. "I'm sorry, that's none of my business. I'll be gone for the week but back at the weekend. I'll see you then, but don't hesitate to call me if anything comes up."

 _Shit._ Now Jay felt like an ass. But God damn his personal life was _personal_.

Another knock at the door interrupted them, followed by the burnt orange color of Will's hair. There were times, like these, that Jay regretted telling his brother the code to get to the Intelligence floor. "Hey brother, you planning on sleeping here or what?" Will noticed that Jay wasn't alone. "Hey Izzy."

"Will." A faint smile opened her lips as she gathered together her papers.

Jay figured that Will turning up meant it was later than he'd originally thought. "I didn't realize it was s late. We were just finishing up here. What are you doing here through, Will?"

"Thought I'd come rescue you," Will ran a hand through his hair. He dropped into the chair that Izzy had stood up from. "Wanna get a beer?"

Suddenly a cold beer in a bar where he couldn't hear himself think sounded just like heaven right now.

"Sure, I'll get my stuff together." Jay glanced towards his second, hoping he could ease any tension their earlier conversation had caused. "Iz, you joining us?"

"No, thanks for the offer. But I got other plans." She moved quickly towards the door. "I'll call you next week, Jay."

When she'd left, Jay turned to his brother. "Where's Olivia? I thought she was with you this afternoon."

"I dropped her at a friend's. Nicole, is it? She said they were going to the mall or some shit."

"Yeah, I know Nicole." He noticed Will's knee was twitching, and it always did that when he was stressed. Or something was up. Now that he thought about it, Will was supposed to be at a conference himself this week. "Hey, I thought you had that meeting this week? The one you were flying out of town for?"

"I did," Will sighed, rubbing his forehead. "I opted out. I didn't feel like going. Plus," he rolled his eyes "There's this chick who's written an article about what we're doing and she's bashing us to _fuck_. She made some smart-ass comments, saying we don't have evidence for the doctoral procedures. It's such bull-"

Jay held up a hand, to get Will to shut up. If he was allowed, Will could drone on about his job all day. Jay knew to an extent what Will did for a profession, but when it came to the technical stuff he didn't give a shit.

"I bet this chick doesn't even have a degree like me," Will continued, but he stood from the chair as a sign he was ready for a beer. "I bet she has no credentials to be talking about this kind of stuff."

By the end, Jay was barely listening. "Wait, who are you talking about?"

"That editor, you dick. I think her name was Rachel Wilson, or something like that."

The brothers rode the elevator to the parking lot where Will mumbled on and on about the article that Jay literally couldn't care less about.

"Says in the article that she's here in Chicago. Think I might pay her a visit, see what she has to say to my face."

"You do that," Jay had totally lost interest. He began driving out of the parking garage.

"Oh, I forgot to tell you. You got a call earlier, some lawyer in town. Tori Rivers, I think that was her name."

Jay recognized the name. "She's an old friend of Erin's." he knew Tori lived local, but he didn't see any use in having anything to do with her. He generally ignored anybody who had known his wife well. Making conversation about days of the past wasn't his idea of fun. "What did she want?"

"Wouldn't say. If she was a friend of Erin's though, maybe it was about the crash?

"Yeah, maybe." Jay couldn't think of anything else it could be.

"Are you gonna call her back?"

"What?" Jay glanced over at his brother. "Don't think so. She was more Erin's friend than mine. I don't know her that well."

Will laughed. "Okay then, maybe I'll call her."

"God, you're a piece of work," Jay couldn't believe how forward his brother could be sometimes. "I thought you were gonna go and talk to that girl that wrote the article."

"Gotta keep my options open, baby bro." Will reached forward to turn on the car radio.

"You are disgusting sometimes, honestly." Jay soon pulled up to the driveway, killing the engine. "I think I'm about ready for those beers."

* * *

Rachel stared intently at her computer screen, but the icons were just jumping around the page. She'd been working on articles for so long, and so many of them were unfinished. She heaved out a sigh and pressed the palm of her hand against her forehead. There was no way she was gonna be able to focus on editing stuff today.

She took a long sip of her coffee.

The button on her office phone was flashing, and she was surprised that she'd missed any calls. She must have been on lunch break or something, because today she'd rarely left the comfort of her office. As she listened to the message, and thought to herself. _You've got to be kidding me_.

Whoever it was that had called- this _Will Halstead_ \- had listed so many facts from her article that he deemed "incorrect" and "inconclusive". His tone however was the thing that riled her and she felt the urge to call him back right away.

Rachel reached for the phone. She dialled and tapped her foot against the floor while she waited. With everything that was currently going down in her life, she didn't need to take any crap from some jack-ass who didn't agree with her opinions. A woman answered. "Will…" Rachel checked his name she'd scribbled from listening to his message, "Halstead, please." She waited another minute. "No, that's fine. I'll leave a message."

A male voice clicked on the line and Rachel grasped the phone with two hands. The name was new to her, but somehow the voice on his answer machine felt vaguely familiar….

Whatever. She'd never met the jerk before, and she had no intention of changing that after she'd left her message. When she'd got what she wanted to say out of her system, she hung up the phone. She gathered any papers from in front of her and stood from her desk. She'd made an appointment this afternoon, and she had to leave if she had any hope of being on time.

Rachel realized she was already running late. She escaped quickly from the office before climbing into her car. She was still thinking about this Will Halstead and his stinking attitude as she drove across town. Matt had told her not to be fussed about comments on her articles, but the tone of this man had got to her.

She found a parking space two blocks from where she was heading and walked the distance to the building. As she stood in the lobby and waited for an elevator, a ripple travelled her spine. She was just _nervous,_ that was normal. But if this didn't work, she didn't know where to turn to next.

The elevator pinged and the doors opened. Rachel took a breath before she stepped in and travelled up a few floors. When she reached the right floor, the secretary looked up as she approached.

"Excuse me, I'm here to see Tori Rivers."

"Ms. Rivers is very busy today," the secretary replied. "Did you have an appointment?"

"Yes. Rachel Wilson."

The young secretary picked up the phone and mumbled something into the mouthpiece. Then she glanced back at Rachel. "Ms. Rivers is expecting you, Mrs Wilson Go on in."

It was the first time anybody referred to Rachel as a Mrs since the Dan's death. She didn't know what it was, but it felt weird. "Thank you."

Rachel tried to calm the somersaults in her stomach as she walked towards the office. She pushed open the heavy oak doors and stepped into the room. One of the walls was taken up completely by windows and Rachel could see so much of the Chicago skyline. There were rows of bookcases along another of the walls, and a huddle of leather couches in one corner.

But it was the lawyer herself who drew Rachel's attention. When she'd stepped into the room, Ms Rivers had jumped from her chair and stared at her. Her face was the palest white.

"Oh, my _God_."

Rachel looked behind her to see if somebody else had followed her into the room but soon realized Tori was oh-my-godding at _her._ She stared herself into the eyes of the lawyer, Ms Rivers looked as though she'd just seen a ghost or something.

"Oh, my God," the lawyer whispered again. "Erin."

A chill spread over Rachel's skin. "Um, no. I'm Rachel Wilson. We have an appointment this afternoon? If it's a bad time-"

"You…" Tori Rivers closed her eyes and shook her head before opening them again. "I'm so sorry. You look like a woman I used to know."

A feeling came over Rachel and she couldn't exactly explain it. It was a mixture of fear and excitement. _No._ It couldn't be this easy, could it? She swallowed the lump that had appeared in her throat. "You… you recognize me?"

"I'm sorry. It's just, not possible." Tori looked down, as though she was hiding her emotions before she looked back at her appointment. When she raised her head again, she'd pasted a polite smile on her face. "What can I do for you?"

"How come it isn't possible?" There were too many questions swirling in Rachel's mind. She didn't know whether she was feeling helpful, knowing this would probably be a dead end, too. Rachel tried to keep the tone of desperation from her voice, but knew she didn't succeed.

Tori sank back into her chair. "The woman I'm thinking of died almost five years ago. I suppose they say everybody has a twin? I guess I'm meeting hers. Sorry if I'm staring, but you just gave me a startle that's all. I was thinking of her recently, which is why I jumped to certain conclusions that can't be real." Tori motioned to the chair opposite hers, for Rachel to sit. "Now, what can I do for you?"

Rachel lowered herself gently into the seat, her hands gripping either of the sides. Suddenly she was even more nervous. "What… what was her name?"

"My friend? Why do you want to know?"

"I'm just curious."

Tori seemed to think for a second before she spoke. "Erin Lin- Erin Halstead."

Rachel rolled the name over in her mind. She'd never heard of it before. The little hope she had inside of her was beginning to fade. "How did she die?"

Ms Rivers tilted her head to the side. "I'm pretty sure you didn't come all the way here to discuss my friend, Mrs Wilson."

Rachel ran a hand through her curls, her hand stopping momentarily as she reached the side where her scar was. She hadn't noticed it before, but it was pulsing slightly. "Please, humor me a moment. How did she die?"

"In a plane crash. Similar to the one that happened not so long ago."

A _plane crash_. No, that wasn't the same. Rachel closed her eyelids. All sorts of possibilities and scenarios played around in her mind. But at this point, nothing even made sense. There were all sorts of questions that she wanted to ask, but was it really the right place? Could she ask more questions about this Erin character?

Rachel's curiosity got the better of her. "What's so different about her and me? I mean, are we identical? Is there anything that's different?"

Tori's eyes narrowed, as if her suspicion was growing. "Why are you so interested in my friend, Mrs Wilson?"

Rachel focused her gaze on the lawyer. She was sweating already, and she wasn't sure if it was the fact that this Tori Rivers was at interrogation or whether it was because she was afraid as to what Tori was going to say. Rachel tried to remember if she'd seen the woman before, but there was nothing. "I didn't know about your friend when I made the appointment, Ms Rivers. I'm sorry for asking, but…"

"But what?"

She blew out a shaky breath. "I came here because my manager told me to. I'm having trouble finding information and he suggested someone with legal status might be able to help me. You see, I found your name online and I just… something told me you were the one I should see."

The lawyer continued to nod and stare intensely so Rachel continued. "My husband died in that plane crash a few weeks ago."

"Oh," Tori's face began to soften. "Oh, I'm sorry Rachel." Her tone softened too, and she'd taken to addressing Rachel by her first name. "No wonder you-"

Rachel felt bad for interrupting, but wanted to finish her tale. "After his death, I found some information that brought me here to Chicago. I was in an accident several years ago and ended up in a coma. Or so I _thought_. When I was going through my husband's papers, I found evidence I'd been in a nursing home here for over two years. Ms Rivers, I don't _remember_ being here at all. I don't remember anything before waking from that coma. Nothing about where I've come from, where I grew up, my family. My husband told me I was injured in a car accident and that my coma lasted _four_ days. Now… Now I'm not sure what to believe."

Tori looked dumbfounded, leaning forward on her desk towards Rachel. It was her turn to ask questions. "Where have you been living?"

"In New York. My husband was a doctor. A neurosurgeon." Rachel dug into the contents of her bag and pulled out papers she'd brought with her. "He signed forms as my attending whilst I was here, though. He'd never had been allowed to do that, if he really was my husband."

"No, he wouldn't." Tori reached to take the papers from Rachel and her eyes widened as she looked at them.

"The home I stayed in…the nursing home," Rachel leaned to point at one of the papers in particular so Tori would know what she was talking about. "It burned down two years ago. A new one is now in its place, but the people there claim all the records were destroyed in the fire. I can't get anybody there to answer my questions. I was hoping… maybe with legal status… you'd be able to help me."

Tori took a second to read the papers she held, flipping the pages as her eyes scanned the words. "Permanent memory loss?" she mumbled and read the rest of the evaluation. "And you don't remember anything from your accident?"

"No. _Nothing_.

"What about after the accident?"

"I woke up in New York. My husband Dan was with me. I didn't remember him, either. It was like starting everything over from the beginning."

"Well, this is pretty unique." Tori continued to read over the papers Rachel had given her. "It says the portion of your brain that was damaged is the section that deals with long-term memories, like personal ones and personalities. Do you have a job, Rachel?"

"I do, I'm working as an editor at the moment. The doctor in New York thought the part of my brain that was damaged was where my personal memories were stored, which is why I can't remember… anything, really." Rachel wasn't about to cry in the lawyer's office, but she couldn't help but feel emotional.

Tori cussed under her breath but flashed Rachel a look, knowing she wasn't being professional. "Wow." The lawyer blew out a long breath and placed the papers on her desk. "Did you find anything else with these papers?"

"Just this," Rachel dug deeper into her purse again, looking for the picture she'd found located with the forms. She handed it to the lawyer. "I don't have a _clue_ who that is in the photo, but the eyes…. Those eyes are so familiar. They're exactly like mine."

Tori's mouth fell to the floor. " Oh my GOD."

"What?"

"That's Erin's daughter."

* * *

He'd enjoyed his beers with his brother the night before, but now Will had to focus on his work. There was a huge amount of research to do but he felt confident that he could do it. It was early evening when he made his way back to his own office, exiting the lab and walking across the building.

He smiled at the guys next to his office, and one of them walked over before he made it inside.

"Hey Will, you have a few messages on your voicemail."

"Thanks, dude. I'll check them out, although they're probably not important."

When he'd made it into the office, Will picked up the phone and sank into his chair simultaneously. The sooner he'd listened to his messages he could go home. His eyes slid shut as he listened. The first couple of messages were information for his lab work, and he scribbled a few notes as the doctors were talking.

The phone beeped and moved to the next message. When the husky female voice came through the speaker, he sat upright in his chair.

He knew that voice. It was Erin's voice.

The lithe way she was saying his name, the way she called him a _jack-ass_. The blood drained from Will's face as his sister-in-law's familiar tones erupted from the phone.

No. it couldn't be real. He was imagining things. Erin was _dead._

His pulse picked up speed as his fingers hovered over the replay button. The message was new. It was Erin's and _holy fuck_ it was from today. He listened again, this time trying to focus on what the woman was saying, instead of listening to her tone. She said her name.

Rachel Wilson. That editor, the one who didn't know what she was talking about in that article?

This didn't make _any_ sense. There was no way it could possibly be…

And yet… His heart was thumping hard. Erin's body had never been found. She'd been sitting over the wing, when the engine had exploded. Nobody around her had ever been recovered. They'd all hoped (beyond belief) that she hadn't actually gotten on the plane, that she'd changed her mind. But that hope had died when Jay had identified her belongings from the rubble.

But was it possible that could still be alive? The idea was _crazy_. And still, it was the only thing he could think about now.

Will had to know for sure, hell _Jay_ would have to know for sure. He dialled the number, but it went straight to voicemail. And it was an automated one too, so he didn't hear her voice again. Without even thinking, Will grabbed his coat and ran from his office.

He knew what building she worked in, from the article. He knew where the editors of _that_ magazine were based. It was a few blocks away so he didn't even bother going for his car. When he reached the editorial building, he raced up the stairs as fast as his feet would go.

He probably looked super suspicious, but he didn't care. His eyes scanned across the offices and eventually came to one with the name Rachel Wilson on the front. The office looked empty. He reached for the handle.

"Excuse me sir, you can't go in there!" A woman ran to his side, her arm folded across her chest. "If you go in there, I'll have to call security. This is a private office!"

Will ignored the calls of the woman, rushing inside the office. It was small and he made it to the desk in a couple of steps. He flipped through files that were on the desk, moving stacks of paper looking for… shit, he didn't know what he was looking for. Just _anything._ His eyes darted to the corner of the desk, to a photograph beside her computer. Everything inside him froze.

Holy _shit_.

His fingers were shaking but he reached for the frame then sank into Rachel Wilson's chair. He could hardly believe what he was seeing.

It looked like Erin. Not the exact image he remembered of his sassy sis-in-law, but it was close enough. It didn't matter that her nose was slightly different or her cheeks were a little higher, or that there was a scar down one side of her face. The face staring back at him had the same eyes, chin and dimple as he remembered. And she was standing cheek to cheek with a young brown haired boy.

A young brown haired boy who was the spitting image of Jay.

Every drop of blood drained from his face.

The woman from outside of the office was back, but as soon as she saw him she expressed concern. "Are you alright?"

"Where is she?" he managed to spurt out.

"I don't know," the woman shrugged. "If you come back tomorrow-"

"I need to know now!"

The woman jumped. "We can't give out her personal information! If you come back tomorrow, I'm sure she'll see you…"

"Listen, this has nothing to do with those stupid articles she writes. This shit is personal. Where the fuck is she?"

"You keep using that tone and I'll-"

Will clenched his jaw, realizing the woman wasn't going to give him any answers. He grabbed hold of the photo and headed for the door. The woman ran after him, Will thought she was yelling something about stealing personal property but she was out of earshot so he didn't head her properly.

Right now he didn't care about stealing fucking personal property. All he cared about was getting to his brother.

Now.

 **Please Review!**

 **(Also, I must apologize for the last chapter I forgot to put the line-breaks in so the chapter was probably more confusing than I originally thought...so sryyyy about that lol)**


	3. Chapter 3

Rachel's legs felt like they were going to buckle from underneath her.

She checked the address she'd pulled from the internet: it wasn't hard to find it, considering his status in Chicago. Tori had suggested not to jump to conclusions, but as soon as the lawyer had recognized Olivia Halstead in the photo, Rachel couldn't stop thinking about the coincidences.

There was a reason Dan had locked that photo away. A reason she looked into the eyes of the girl, and felt uneasy. A reason why she'd picked Tori Rivers over the number Matt had given her. A _reason._

After her meeting with Tori, Rachel had gone back to her office. She'd ran a search on this Jay Halstead, the man Erin had been married to. Even though Rachel had been in Chicago just a few weeks, it wasn't hard to recognize his face. He was all over the tabloids at the minute, marriage rumors with some model he'd been hooking up with. As she stared at the images of him on the screen, she realized this Jay Halstead was _way_ more attractive than he was in the papers. There were numerous reports about his work in and out of state, that he had a reputation for being a ruthless cop, although a good one.

Nonetheless, he didn't seem to have a problem being photographed with a random woman on his arm.

Rachel frowned, the woman he was photographed with was pretty. She had the brightest red hair, nothing like her own brown curls. If this was Jay's _type_ , there was no way she would have been with him.

She swallowed the lump in her throat. She'd _had_ a husband: Dan. A wave of nausea ran through her as she fiddled with the wedding band that still sat on her left hand. Like Tori had said, everyone has a twin right? She'd heard the lawyer correctly when she'd said they weren't _exactly_ identical, hadn't she?

She thought back to Freddie, comparing his features to the man she'd saw on the screen. Okay so, she couldn't deny they had the same hair color, perhaps their noses looked similar but that washed over her. Freddie was her and Dan's son.

 _Fuck this was a bad idea._ Rachel closed her eyes and came back to reality. She took in long and shaky breaths, what was she doing here? She should have never come to Chicago in the first place, it was a spur of the moment decision and it had been a bad one. She could have never gone to see Tori Rivers and she never should have looked in that damn fucking drawer.

She opened her eyes and scanned the street where she was standing. Enormous trees lined the street, the homes here were so damn beautiful and she wondered for a second _just_ how expensive they were. The more she tiptoed along the street, each property became more impressive than the last.

This wasn't right. She needed to go before she made a complete fool of herself.

She was just about to head back in the direction she'd came from, when she heard the jingle of a bell. A bicycle bell, and it sounded close. She looked up at the moment a group of young girls came riding past on their bikes.

The last girl slammed on the brakes so hard when she rode past Rachel. Her friends continued their journey, riding along the sidewalk and laughing but this girl planted her feet and gripped the handles of her bike until her knuckles turned white. Her face rapidly lost it's color, the same way Tori's had when Rachel had entered the office.

Rachel swallowed. Hard. Every bit of her body was stinging. The face- the girl in front of her- was the face from the picture.

She couldn't leave now. She had to see and she had to know.

A wave of fear rippled through her. She didn't know _what_ to say. Something inside her pushed her forward and she took a gently step towards her. "Hi."

"Y-y-you," the girl's eyes were wide. "You… you look like-"

"My name's Rachel. Are you…" She struggled to remember the name Tori had given her. Then, it came. "Olivia?"

The girl's jaw dropped and she nodded her head. "How do you know my name?"

"Somebody told me," Rachel didn't know what else to say, and the silence between the two came quickly. "…I came to talk to your dad." She glanced up the road. "Is he home?"

The girl flew from her bike, as though she'd been slapped. "He's not home." She backed further away from Rachel. "He can't see you."

Rachel hadn't noticed before, but she was sweating. "Wait-"

"Olivia?" A male voice echoed from across the street. "Your dinner's ready!"

Olivia's bicycle crashed to the ground. She raced across the sidewalk towards one of the largest houses on the street. A man was stepping down from the entrance of the house. He was dressed in a dress shirt and trousers, shifting his gaze from left to right as he looked for the girl. His brown hair and ridiculously handsome face didn't even compare to the images Rachel had seen on the Internet and in the tabloids.

A man, Rachel realized, didn't just look a _little_ like her son. He looked _just_ like him.

* * *

Jay's stepped backwards suddenly as Olivia rushed into the house, straight past him and directing his attention to her. His daughter's face was a cross between fear, anger and something else…

"What is it, Liv?" he asked as he dropped on his knee in front of her. Jay gripped her shoulders and looked at her, to check she wasn't hurt.

"I… Go inside the house Dad!"

"Liv, calm down. What's wrong? Tell me what happened." He realized Olivia had ran into the house without her bike. And that was a pretty unusual thing because it was one of her most prized possessions. His gaze lifted from his daughter onto the street, in search of where she'd left it. His gaze lifted to the person standing in the middle of their street, staring at them. The woman who looked _exactly_ like…

The air removed itself from his lungs. His knees turned to jello. "Oh my _God_."

"Dad, no!" Olivia pushed against him, trying to force him into the house as Jay got to his feet. "It's not her, Daddy." He noticed she'd gone back to calling him Daddy, something she still did when she was nervous or scared. Sceptical over what was going to happen next. "It just looks like her. Please, Dad look at me."

Jay's eyes dropped Olivia, and her tear-stained face. There was panic in her eyes, and it killed him but he had to walk past her. His arms were shaking as he lifted his daughter out of his way and looked towards the petite brunette standing still as stone in the road. She was watching him, like he was watching her.

His head spun. His pulse raced. It _couldn't_ be.

In the rear of his view, he was vaguely aware of a Jeep coming to halt, Will running from the driver's seat. Olivia still tried to pull him back into the house, but he couldn't feel her arms. He couldn't seem to stop his feet from moving in a forward direction.

Somehow he made it down the block, stopping in front of her. More than anything, he stared at her in shock. He hadn't even realized Will was now standing next to him, but he was thankful because his legs could buckle at any second.

"Oh my God." Will muttered.

For a long minute, nobody spoke. There was nothing but silence.

Then Jay's heart lurched in his chest. Oh my God," he repeated. It was all he could seem to say. He closed the gap between them, cupping her face in his hands and running his fingers the line of her jaw.

This couldn't be _real_. It had to be a dream. Memories bombarded him from everywhere. He felt her pulse beneath his fingers.

She was _real_. She was warm and soft and _alive_. She was…. Erin.

The woman stared into his eyes.

"Erin," he whispered.

Her eyes darkened. She looked confused, and _scared._

Before he could stop her, she jerked free from his grip. Then she took a big step back and held her arms out as if to say "don't touch me". "No," she swallowed, looking from one man to the other and crinkled her brow. "No, my name is Rachel. Rachel Wilson."

Pain slashed through Jay's body. He tried to reach for her again, but Olivia had run up behind him. She stopped him.

"Dad, I told you it's not Mom. Listen to me Dad, it's not her."

Not her? It _had_ to be her.

"Erin-"

The woman dodged his grip and his heart felt like it shattered into a million pieces at his feet. Like it had done once before.

"I… I was hoping to ask you a few questions," The woman said. "I can see that this isn't a good time. I'll go-"

"No!" Jay and Will spoke at the same time.

They both thought the same thing, it _had_ to be her. It sounded like her. Jay could never forget that voice. He didn't have a fucking clue what was going on, but he didn't want to scare her off.

To keep himself from reaching for her, he scrubbed a hand across his scruff and rubbed Olivia's shoulder. Closed his eyes, shook his head and opened them. She was still there, so she _wasn't_ a figment of his imagination.

Why wasn't she throwing herself into his arms? Why was she standing there, looking at him as through he was a stranger?

"No," Will said again, gesturing towards the house. "Now is fine."

"Who are you?" The woman asked, turning her gaze to Will.

"Will Halstead. Um, Jay's brother."

The mention of the name made her cringe as she thought about the message she'd left on his answer machine. " _Oh._ Well this is a little awkward, I had no idea." She ran a hand over her hair.

Jay's stomach tightened. It was the same unconscious gesture Erin used to do when she was nervous.

"Yeah I, uh, got your message." Will said.

Color rose up her cheeks. "Well uhm, you seemed a little fired up about the article… I guess I reacted badly now, given the situation."

"What are you two talking about?" Jay asked, looking from the woman to his brother. He felt out of the loop.

"This is the editor, Jay. The one I told you about. The one who wrote the article."

Jay looked back at her, at _Erin_. At the woman who couldn't be anything _but_ Erin. Why was she acting as if she didn't know him? Why wasn't she grabbing Olivia and holding her tight? Why wasn't she hugging _him,_ holding him like he needed to hold onto her?

Questions rumbled through his mind and he scanned her features. Sure, some of her features could be different. Her cheekbones were higher, her nose thinner and there was a scar down the side of her face.

 _Editor. The one who wrote the article. Rachel Wilson._

His chest pinched. Was it possible that this woman wasn't Erin?

"Why don't we go inside?" Will asked, and Jay was a little surprised that he'd invited the woman inside without running it past him. It was _Jay's_ house. "You can tell us what this is about." Will started towards the house and Rachel gingerly followed behind.

Jay turned and stared as she wandered into his home. He tried to clear his head. Was it possible somebody else could look so much like the love of his life? Could somebody sound exactly the same as her, the way Rachel did? Was this some kind of joke?

The way she was walking caught his attention. Though he tried not to look, he couldn't help but noticed that her walk resembled Erin's. The way her legs strode and the way her ass looked when she was moving. She even _walked_ like her.

Okay, there had to be an explanation. God couldn't be so cruel. He was gonna listen to whatever she had to say, see if he could make sense of the situation himself.

He followed them into the lounge. She was standing in the center of the room, staring out of the window at the sky before turning and taking in the room. Jay didn't know what she was looking at, but as her eyes reached the area where he kept photographs, his heart pulsated.

Olivia tugged at his arm. "Dad," she was pleading.

"What are you doing here, Rachel?"

The woman jumped before turning to face him. Her body was stiff, as though she was putting up an invisible shield. She knew what she was about to say would be difficult, and probably not what the guys were expecting. "Your wife died in a plane crash about five years ago, is that right?" He didn't answer, so she continued. "And she died here in Chicago, is that correct?"

Jay frowned. "You already seem to know the answers to your questions. Why are you here?" he asked again.

"I was in a car accident that landed me in a coma." She lifted her hand, rubbing the scar on the side of her temple. "When I woke in New York, I couldn't remember the accident or any of my life before it. Right now, I'm not so sure."

"Why not?" Will asked.

The woman turned her attention onto Will. "My husband died in the plane crash that happened not long ago. After, when I was going through some of his stuff, I found evidence showing that I was in a nursing home here in Chicago, not in New York like I thought. And my coma lasted years, not days. I'm really not sure why my husband lied but I came here to Chicago looking for answers. I went to see a lawyer today for advice," She paused to clear her throat, doing so much talking hurt. "The woman recognized me, and said I looked a lot like somebody called Erin Halstead," She glanced back to Jay. "Your wife."

Jay's head spun and his pulse was racing, faster than it was before. This story was ridiculous. Insane, even. Was it even real?

"Who was the lawyer?" Wil asked.

"Tori Rivers."

Will found his brother's gaze. He knew what he was thinking. But now Jay looked, there were things that told him this woman wasn't Erin. Besides, they'd buried Erin. She'd _died_ in that airplane crash. They'd _buried_ her. It didn't matter that they didn't have a body, because nobody had survived that crash.

"So Tori thinks you might be Erin." Jay said, rubbing his temple with a palm. "That's why you're here."

"No… Not exactly. She told me not to come, actually." Rachel bit her lip before reaching into her purse. Her eyes darted to Olivia, who was standing beside Jay. With trembling fingers, she held out the photograph. "I found this in one of my husband's locked drawers in my house."

Cautiously, Jay reached for the picture. Looked down. And felt like the world was ripped out from underneath him.

Olivia's eyes widened as she stared at the photo in Jay's hand. "That's me."

Jay looked up to see the woman looking at Olivia, who was still looking at the picture. The woman tucked her hair behind her ear, and he caught sight of a faded birthmark just behind her ear. One with such a unique shaping, one he'd remembered kissing and licking and nibbling so many times.

There was a sudden burst of hope in his chest. It was _her_. She was alive. She…

He moved to reach for her again but she stepped back to avoid his touch. When her gaze fell on him, the look in her eyes registered properly. In her irises, there was no recognition. No love. Nothing but emptiness, looking at a guy she thought she'd just met.

Suddenly he felt really sick. The room closed in around him, like it had at her funeral when the reality that he'd lost her forever had hit him.

But he hadn't. She was here. She was real. No matter what happened to change her appearance, she was _alive._

Air got trapped in his lungs. The photo she'd given him fluttered to the floor. He walked out of the room, not knowing where the hell he was going. He made it to the kitchen and fell into one of the chairs.

He heard Will. "Give us a minute, will you?" Before his brother entered the room.

Jay just focused on breathing, in and out. In and out. He hoped the steady rhythm would help the pain taking over his chest. _Keep it together for Olivia._

His eyes slid shut and he forced any tears to the back of his eyes. Of all the scenarios he'd ever imagined, this definitely wasn't one of them. In all of the dreams he'd had, she'd been thrilled to see him. But this woman, this Rachel Wilson didn't know him. She wasn't going to run into his arms. She was just staring and looking at him like he was… nobody. And what they'd had together was far from him being a 'nobody; they'd been incredibly and irrevocably in love.

But this woman had said she had a _husband_. That pain was almost too much for him to bare, so difficult he could hardly breathe. The thought of another man wrapping himself around her. She'd gotten _remarried_. Her life had moved on while he was still stuck in the past, the memory of her being the only thing that made him get out of bed in the mornings.

"Jay."

"She doesn't recognize us, Will." He didn't turn towards his brother, kept his head low.

"No, she doesn't. That doesn't mean it's her."

"It's _her_. You saw the way she ran the hand over her hair. And she's got the same damn birthmark near her ear." His voice cracked. "That's Erin."

"We don't know that."

"Fuck, Will! _I_ know it," Jay finally turned to his brother's stance. "I know it. I knew it as soon as I saw her."

"Look, it's possible. But the chances are so slim. Jesus, I'll agree she looks like her. But we don't know for _sure_. There are tests we can take. DNA sampling from Olivia-"

"That won't matter. You and I both know it's her, whether you're going to admit it or not."

"Whatever, Jay. I need to know for sure."

Jay's eyes closed. Of course Mitch wanted to know in black and white, his job of being in a lab and hospital always got the better of him. "She doesn't recognize us."

"Jay, don't do this to yourself. Not yet. Wait to see what we find out."

He turned to stand and look around his kitchen. Minutes ago, he'd been outside to shout Olivia for dinner. He would sit with her and finish their meal, and then they'd settle to watch a movie or something. He was even going to let her choose one of those stupid chick-flicks that she was so into at the moment. Now… he couldn't figure out what to do now.

"Will, I gotta get out of here. Tell her whatever you want. I can't be here right now."

"Jay-"

"I need a few minute, bro." he didn't mean to snap but it came out that way. He couldn't stand to look into the woman's blank eyes again, not having the way he felt for her reciprocated. He couldn't handle the pain. Pain he thought he'd gotten rid of a long time ago. Pain that was now filling his body all over again.

He opened the door at the back entrance of the house and left before Will could stop him.

* * *

Rachel studied the photos on the wall while they went into the other room. The face in the pictures looked like her, and a sea of unease rushed through her as she looked from photo to photo. The Halstead's on what looked like a hiking trip? Erin Halstead in a hospital bed, cradling a newborn. A wedding photo of Jay and Erin on the day they were married.

Her chest tightened and her skin felt hot. If it was her in the photos, she didn't remember any of the events. But the odd feeling in the pit of her stomach told her that didn't mean it _wasn't_ her.

She didn't want to go _there_ and looked away from the photos. She turned to find the daughter staring at her with suspicious eyes. She hadn't uttered a single word to Rachel since her dad and uncle had left the room. She clearly didn't want Rachel to be there.

Will came back into the room and offered her a weak smile. It was a relief, the atmosphere in the room with Olivia was really awkward. But she didn't necessarily feel angry, it couldn't be easy for the girl to see somebody who looked so much like her mother. Rachel had been so intent on finding answers that she didn't think of how the girl would be affected. Suddenly, she felt guilty. Olivia slowly rose from the couch and left the room, leaving Rachel and Will alone.

He blew out a long exasperated breath. "We think there are enough similarities to do some tests." _Fucking great, more tests that was exactly what her body needed._ "DNA tests could prove or disprove this whole thing."

She nodded, swallowing the lump that was now constant in her throat. "Yep, that should be easy. Al it takes is a sample from Erin's daughter, right? Then we'll know?"

"Sure," Will ran a hand through his messy hair. "I. ah, I'll walk you out." He led her from the house and back to her car.

She clearly wasn't going to see any more of the Jay guy today. Will was quiet as they walked, his hands deep in the pockets of his jacket and his eyes on the ground in front. When they stopped near her car, she turned and looked at him.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure," he removed his hands from his pockets and dropped them to his sides. "What is it?"

Rachel knew she was just being curious again, but she couldn't let it go. "You seem like a nice guy. Nice, considering all this shit and I'm having trouble figuring out why you seemed so rude over the phone." She searched her purse, locating the car key. "So which guy are you? Thee jerk who left me that note this morning, or the nice brother you seemed to be this evening?"

The man laughed and looked at his feet.

"What's funny?"

"Nothing. That's just something my sister-in-law would say to me."

"Oh," The implication of the in-law relationship stung her. She could see in his eyes that he thought she was Erin. Did she want that? There was more pain in her chest as she thought of the outcome. "So, which is it?"

"Both I guess. I'm a pompous jerk when it comes to my work, but I'll stand my ground when it comes to my brother."

Rachel drew in a deep breath. "I don't think he likes me that much."

"He's been through a lot. You have to understand, when Erin died it changed him. They had something special, something most people don't find, even if they look for a lifetime."

She thought back to the story printed in the tabloids; the marriage rumors with the striking redhead. "I've read a lot about him-"

"Don't believe everything you read. Seeing you today, it's something he's dreamed of for years. I don't think he expected Erin to not remember him. it's like losing her all over again."

"I'm not Erin," she said quietly.

"No. Not yet. At least not that we know for sure."

"But he thinks I am." She didn't know how to feel.

"Listen, he knew her _really_ well. They were together for a long time, even before Olivia was born."

Guilt tightened the feeling in her stomach. "Will, you have to know I didn't come here to hurt anyone. I hope you know that. I just need _answers_. You don't know what it's like to go through life and not know who you are. It's… scary."

"I bet."

She didn't want to say anything else, afraid of what they'd get into. If he _really_ was her brother-in-law she'd remember right? But there was _nothing_. No memory flashes, no images in her brain.

"I have to go. I'll get the details for that test."

"Okay."

* * *

Rachel sat on a park bench, digging her nails into the seat without realizing. Around her, the birds were swooping and for a little while they managed to distract her.

She had to find the motivation to look again into her past, but alas all the leads were leading to nothing and she was so close to giving up. She needed to go back to her computer and figure things out. Yet here she was sitting and waiting for Jay Halstead.

After days of contemplating whether it was the right decision, she'd given in and called him. She knew their last meeting had been hard on him and she had begun to feel guilty. In fact the guilt had consumed her since that day she'd called to his house. If she didn't do something to fix it, it would prevent her from getting the answers she desperately needed.

Of course she knew what it was like to lose somebody you loved. Because of that, she tried to put herself in Jay's position, to imagine what she would do if Dan suddenly returned from the grave.

She spotted Jay walking along the pier before he spotted her. His hands were tucked deep into his pockets and he was sporting dark sunglasses. Still, they couldn't hide the scowl on his face. Or the rigidness of his shoulders of the stiff back or the fact he definitely didn't want to be on his way to see her.

Jay stopped a few feet away and Rachel saw his jaw clench.

"Thanks for coming," she led with.

"I'm not exactly sure why I did." Something about his tone was icy, and she didn't like it.

"Well I appreciate it, all the same." Rachel shifted on her feet, and suddenly she felt like she'd lost the ability to stand there now he was in front of her.

"Why am I actually here though? I doubt you have answers yet," he asked.

For some reason, she wanted to comfort him. Which was an unexpected reaction, given his cold presence. "No, I don't. Tori said the test results would probably take a week. Which, by the way, I wanted to thank you for doing."

He shrugged. "It was Olivia, not me." After he spoke he chewed on his lip.

Her eyes travelled to his mouth. Full lips. Tempting. She suddenly wondered what it would feel like to brush a thumb across the bottom one. The man had a mouth she'd probably kissed and tasted and claimed as her own.

 _Whoa._ Where the fuck had that come from? She focused her gaze away from them and back to his sunglasses.

"Okay," she said softly. "Listen, Jay. I just wanted to apologize for all of this. I didn't want to drag you into it, but I just want to know the truth. You have no idea what this is like for me."

"For you? I don't know what this is like _for you_?" His brown brow raised behind his sunglasses. "Try and put yourself in my place for like ten seconds."

A sigh escaped her lips. "Whether you believe me or not, I actually _have_ tried to put myself in your position. Listen, contrary to whatever you're thinking, I didn't intentionally walk up and think to myself 'You know what, I'll go and screw up the life of Jay Halstead'. I'm not like that,"

"It feels like that's what you've done. My daughter is going to get brought into this, the press are going to have a _field_ day with this information. I've tried to keep her out of the eyes of the press because they're like greedy vultures when it comes to me and my job. This whole thing is _crap_."

There was more anger in him than she'd realized. "It's not like that. I didn't-"

"It _is_ like that. We mean nothing to you, I can see it on your face. I saw it the day you stood in front of my house. We look at you and see _everything_ and it doesn't fucking matter to you. Not one bit." His irritation was clear, Jay ran a hand through his hair.

She felt weak, there was no fight left in her. She dropped back to the bench. "It does matter. If it didn't, I wouldn't be here. If I turn out to be Erin, that means Olivia is my daughter. And I can't turn away from that. Of course I would never have left my daughter on purpose! I don't want her growing up, thinking I did." She hated herself for being an emotional person, fighting the tears threatening on the lower lid of her eyes. "I'd… I'd never be able to live with myself."

She swallowed, knowing the implications of what she'd just said. If she _did_ turn out to be Erin Halstead and Olivia was her daughter, there was definitely a strong chance that Freddie was Jay's son. Not Dan's, as she's been led to believe. Freddie looked _so_ much like Jay, and meeting Jay had made her see they had some of the same facial expressions. Was she fooling herself thinking she wasn't Erin Halstead?

No matter what, she had to know. One way or another, she had to know the truth.

"I don't want to screw anything up for Olivia. _Please_ believe that. I wouldn't want to put her in harm's way, but if she's my daughter then I have to know."

For a second, she thought he was going to walk away. That was before he eased himself onto the bench next to her and slid off his sunglasses. The rims had left an indent along the lower lines of his eyes. His head rested in his hands and he looked defeated. She realized he was hurting, just like her.

"Don't you think I've thought of that? Shit, that's all I've thought about for the past few days. Listen, Olivia is my _whole_ world. I can tell she's pissed about this. She's a pretty grown-up ten year old but that doesn't mean she understands. I don't either, come to think of it."

"Well that makes three of us."

Jay looked out over the pier. "I've been thinking about how this could even be possible. What happened between me dropping you at the airport and the plane that took off, without you on it? They _said_ you were on that plane. I identified your purse and laptop from the wreckage, I think. I just… I can't figure it out."

"If I knew the answer to that question, this wouldn't be so hard." She joined his gaze across the water. The sun was shining, but that didn't stop her from feeling a chill.

"No," He shook his head and dropped his eyes. "Nothing would make this any easier." His words settled into thin air. When he finally looked over at her she saw honesty and vulnerability behind his green irises. A jolt ran through her. "If I had known you weren't on that fucking plane, I swear to God I would have been looking for you."

The determination in his voice shook her and killed her inside. Those eyes of his seemed to be looking right into her soul, and she couldn't break away from his gaze. _Damn_ she thought _he really loved this woman_. "I believe you," she almost whispered.

He eventually broke their eye contact and closed his eyes. "So what do we do now?"

"I don't know. We wait, I guess."

"We already know the answer," he breathed out. "I know it. You know it too, or else you wouldn't be sitting here."

A lump prevented her from breathing properly, the realization hitting her that he was right. "Olivia will not want anything to do with me until we know for sure. I don't want to hurt the pair of you." A dull ache had settled in her chest. She wanted- _needed_ \- to make things better for all of them.

"No matter what you do, it's going to hurt us." Jay stood up and slipped his glasses back onto his eyes. "Until we know, maybe you shouldn't come and see her. She's confused and she needs to get used to the idea of you."

She nodded, knowing he was right _again_. "I can understand that. Are you okay?"

"Me? I'm pretty much used to hell. I'll get by." With that, he turned his back and walked away.

She watched as he walked away from her, not feeling any better than she had before. If anything, she felt worse. Talking with him had only made her realize he'd loved his wife a great deal more than she'd first anticipated.

* * *

THIS PAGE CANNOT BE FOUND

Rachel glared at her computer screen and wanted to cry. Looking at the tiny cursor was giving her a headache.

Really, she should be working on editing her articles, ones that were supposed to be finished days ago. Instead she found herself doing an internet search on Jay Halstead.

So far, she'd found pictures of him cozied up to the red-head that had been in the tabloids. Another showing him in his Detective uniform, being interviewed fresh from a big case.

"Mommy?"

"Mhm?"

Why did she _care_? Just because the guy _may_ have been her husband. She'd been married to Dan. It wasn't like she had a reason to be jealous.

But what did surprise her was the way his life had apparently changed after his wife had died. His promotion to the head of the Police Department looked like it had become his life.

"Mommy," Freddie said from where he was sitting at her feet. It wasn't unusual for him to bring toys into her office whilst she was working. He was playing with Lego. "Mommy, I asked you a qw- question."

She tore her eyes away from the computer, guilty that she hadn't listened to him the first time. "What is it, baby?"

"Where do you go when you die?"

Her fingers slammed against the keyboard, and the little boy jumped. The question caught her off guard: Freddie hadn't once asked about death since Dan had died. "To heaven, baby."

His chubby fingers worked to connect a red Lego and yellow Lego together. "And you don't come back?"

Of all the topics for Freddie to bring up, he had to go for this one? Rachel pushed herself off her chair and sat on the rug beside him. "No sweetie, you don't come back."

Freddie's gaze moved from his toys to his mother. "But Mommy you died and came back." He said quietly, his green eyes wide.

Rachel drew in a breath. How did he know that? Has Dan told him? "That was different, Fredster. Look at Mommy," his gaze lifted and he stared into her own eyes. He was so innocent and damn adorable. The only thing she really had left. "Mommy's heart stopped because of an accident and the doctor's started it up again. That was different from dying, baby. When you die, you don't come back."

"Not ever?" Tears swam in his eyes.

An ache filled her chest. She knew he was thinking of Dan. A four-year-old shouldn't be asking questions about death. He shouldn't have to go through losing a parent. But here he was, having to deal with it.

She rubbed a hand across his chest. Surprisingly, the pain wasn't a yearning for Dan. It was more for a family she didn't even know. A man and his daughter who'd lost somebody they loved deeper than she'd expected. She'd _seen_ the heartache on their faces.

"Mommy?"

Freddie's voice drew her attention from her thoughts. Smiling, she ran a hand over his dark brown hair. If the tests came back positive, she'd have to tell Jay about him. The very thought filled her with dread. What would he say, when he found out he'd missed the beginning of his son's life? That Freddie thought another man was his Daddy? Jay already didn't like her too much, this would only make things worse.

She didn't have the answers to any of the questions that were filling her brain. At the minute, she didn't even want to think about them. She just wanted to focus on Freddie's sweet face and remember why she was here. She was here to find answers, answers that both her and Freddie deserved.

"Yes, Freddie?"

"I love you."

Her face softened and she pulled him close so he was sitting in her lap. "I love you too, Fredster. More than you ever will know."

 **Please Review!**


	4. Chapter 4

Rachel sat at her desk, attempting to edit a piece of her work. She eased back into her chair and glanced out of the window of her office. She wasn't surprised to feel like the article wasn't enough to hold her interest. Not today.

With a sigh, she tossed the article on her desk because she was unable to read anymore and the words were just jumping around on the page. She'd probably fucked the piece of work up anyway, knowing it wasn't the most important thing on her mind.

Right now, her nerves were in overdrive. She rested her elbows on the desk and put her head in her hands, running fingers through her curls. She was waiting nervously for a phone call from Tori, but somehow still found herself thinking about that Mr Halstead. Was he sitting, feeling like he was going to throw up, just like she was?

The pounding in her head signalled her need for caffeine. Rachel got up from the office chair and wandered through the shared staff lounge where she poured a mug of coffee. It tasted awful, like it always did, but she drank it anyway in a bad to get rid of her headache.

Rachel slipped back into her office without saying a word to anybody. She hadn't necessarily made friends in her new office building yet, and she preferred to keep it that way. If she had to make small talk, she would but other than that she appreciated the quietness and stillness of her own office. She closed the door behind her, jumping slightly when she saw that Tori was standing by her desk.

"Nice view," the lawyer said.

"Oh, hi. I didn't expect to see you today."

"I know," Tori walked to the vacant visitor chair and sat. "We need to chat."

Oh, _shit_. Something in Rachel's stomach told her that wasn't a good sign. She took a deep breath and occupied her seat again, the one opposite to where Tori had sat.

"Okay, first of all. I have to tell you that last night, I went for drinks with Will Halstead…"

Rachel hadn't expected that, and she wasn't exactly sure why Tori was telling her about events of her personal life. That had _nothing_ to do with her, did it?

The lawyer continued. "He called, I think, to talk about you. I.. nothing happened, I'm only telling you because I'm your lawyer and I want you to know that you come first. If…. If the test comes back negative, then perhaps it could be something. But I, just thought I would tell you."

Rachel didn't know what to make of the news. She nodded. "Okay-"

"I just didn't want you to hear about this out of context, or from Will himself."

Rachel laughed. "Look, I don't blame you. I like the guy, from what I know of him so far. If you'd said you'd had drinks with his brother, that would be a different story. Jay _hates_ my guts."

"He doesn't hate you, Rachel. He's confused. There's a big difference."

"It doesn't seem like a big difference to me." She studied the lawyer. "You know, you're allowed to have a personal life, Tori. Did you really come by my office to tell me you had a date with Will?"

"No, that's not all," Tori pulled a folder from her briefcase and put it on Rachel's desk, her hand resting on top of it. "I got the DNA report back. I wanted to talk with you first, but I did call Jay. He's meeting me at my office later."

Rachel gulped at the lump in her throat. _Oh boy, here we go_. "Just tell me."

Tori pushed the file towards her and watched as Rachel opened the contents. "It's just a preliminary report, Rachel. But it's a _pretty_ good match…"

Rachel set the file on the desk. Rising from the chair, she walked on shaky legs to the opposite side of the room and stared out of the window. She crossed her sweaty hands across her chest as she took in deep breaths. But there was little she could do to calm her racing pulse.

It was _true_. She was Erin Lindsay. Erin _Halstead_. Jay was her husband. Olivia was her daughter. The realization tore right through her, Rachel grabbed onto her heart and squeezed. She'd lost five years of a life she didn't even know. And now what was she left with? A family she couldn't remember and a future that didn't look bright at all. If anything, that future just got a thousand times more confusing.

"I had a feeling…" she managed.

Tori offered a smile. "I think everybody did. If it's any consolation, I think the others already knew. Before I even called."

"I expected it, but it doesn't make it any easier." She hadn't realized the tears had started until her voice broke. She turned back to the lawyer. So many thoughts and scenarios and questions swam in her mind, but she couldn't even find the will to focus on them right now. "Tori, I have a son."

The lawyer's brow furrowed.

"He's four and a half. When I woke up from that coma, he was already a toddler. I didn't… I didn't bring this up before because I had to be sure before I pulled him into this mess." She closed her eyes to block the tears. "When I asked you for legal advice, if I did turn out to be Erin, it was Freddie I had in mind. I think it's a safe bet he's Jay's son. He looks a _lot_ like him. I think he'll need to be tested, too."

"Of course."

"But," she paused. "I want to tell Jay about him. So I'd appreciate it if you didn't say anything when you meet with him today."

"Of course."

Rachel massaged her scar on her temple, thinking about how Jay was going to react to this. About how Olivia was going to react to this. "He's going to want to know Freddie in the same way I want to know Olivia. This could get so _messy._ He already doesn't like me. I don't see this development making things any better."

"Rachel, we'll work it out. Don't worry. I know Jay, and I know that he's a fair and honest man, no matter what you may think about him. Regardless of what you may have read in the press, he'll work with us."

"Yeah, I'm not so sure." She ran a hand through her hair. She couldn't stop the tears now as the dripped steadily towards her chin. Rachel swiped them away quickly with a hand.

Why did this hurt so bad? She should be happy, right? Happy that she had her answer. She knew who she was. Why wasn't that enough?

Tori stood from her chair and walked over to Rachel, pulling her into an embrace. Not exactly a professional move, but Rachel looked as though she was about to fall apart. "Rachel, breathe. We'll get through this, I promise."

She closed her eyes. "Thank you. I appreciate everything you're doing for me, I really do. I didn't realize how much I needed a _friend_ right now."

Tori smiled. "I liked Erin a lot. We were good friends. But, I like you too. I'd be your friend whether I'd known her or not."

"I appreciate that, too." Rachel dried her face and looked at Tori, this time she could actually see her face and she wasn't a blur because of her tears. "There's one more thing-"

"Okay, what is it?" The lawyer asked.

Rachel sighed. "I've been doing research to try and find my answers. It was just a guess before, but I need to know what happened to me. Dan knew something. He _had_ to. There has to be a reason he lied to me. Was I living a double life? Did somebody intentionally hurt me? I can't go on not knowing the truth."

Tori broke apart their embrace, the new revelations stunning her. "Go on."

Rachel paced again, the thing she always did when she was nervous. "From what I can see from the crash records, my body was never recovered?" She laughed at her phrasing. "Well _obviously_ it was never recovered," Her sarcastic tone dropped. "But there was a body in my seat."

"Right." Tori moved back to her briefcase and flipped through the file she had on the crash. "This shows you checked in on the flight, which means somebody did a head count and your seat was counted for. Plus, your personal belongings were recovered- your suitcase, but also your purse. It was found under your seat. Jay identified it."

Rachel chewed her lip. "Do you think he still has it?"

"Hmm, I'm not sure. I could ask. What's on your mind?"

"I don't know. Maybe I'm hoping that seeing it could bring back a memory. I had no luck at that nursing home. They won't even let me through the door. But maybe that could be a starting place?"

Tori sighed. "They haven't returned my calls. I don't have enough here either to get a court order for their files."

"I guessed as much," Rachel's hand pinched her throbbing forehead. "If I could just get in there…"

Tori opened the file on her lap. "Where is it? The outskirts? I think I've got a friend whose mother is there. I might be able to get inside, go and 'see' her."

Rachel's brows raised in surprise. "You would do that?"

"Your answers are important to you, Rachel. I'll make a call and see if my friend's mother is really there. If she is, I'll let you know and then we can go from there."

"Okay."

Tori gathered back her files and put them back into the briefcase. "I'm heading to meet Jay. Take time to figure out what you're going to tell him. If you want me to be there, we can do it in my office. You know, however you want to handle it.

"Thanks Tori, but I think I need to do this on my own."

"Okay." Tori turned towards the exit but kept her face on Rachel. "I'll call you after I speak to him."

* * *

Tori watched as the door in front of her opened. Jay and Will both walked into her office, presenting a united front. Brothers.

She got up from her chair and stepped towards Jay. She thought about hugging him, they'd been out a lot together with Erin and Tori's ex-husband, but perhaps it wasn't the right time to do that. She acknowledged Will too, but wasn't sure if he'd told his brother about their 'drinks' so she merely shook his hand.

"Have a seat, we'll get started." She dragged her gaze from them and made her way back to her desk.

"She's not coming?" will asked.

"No," she dropped into her chair. "I've already spoken to Rachel. We thought it was best if we did this separately. I think she needs time to take in the news before she speaks to either of you."

The brothers exchanged glances, they knew the result before Tori even spoke again.

She handed a copy to Jay. "These are the preliminary reports. It's not entirely conclusive but I think you can see it's close enough. These aren't the proper reports, but these ones tell us there's a 98% accuracy that Rachel Wilson is Erin Halstead."

Jay leaned back and closed his eyes. Heartache rose in his features but Tori could tell from his silence that he already knew the answers, even before he'd made it to her office.

Will took the report from Jay's grip and stared at it.

Tori stood up and reached into one of her cabinets. "Here are copies of her medical records. She wanted you to see them." She exhaled. "The accident she was in did damage to her face, which is why she doesn't look _exactly_ like she did before." She waited whilst Jay flipped through the files, his brown low above his eyes. "I know it's one thing for her to say she doesn't remember anything, but here it is in writing. She was being treated by a neurosurgeon in New York. I've attempted to track him down but I'm not getting anywhere."

She had actually tried to track down the man, but her leads were going nowhere. It felt like _all_ of her leads were headed that way.

She went on. "As far as her brain injury, her records indicate damage to the lateral cortex of the anterior temporal lobe. That's the part of the brain that deals with long-term memory."

"So, she really doesn't remember anything?" Jay asked in a weak voice.

"No," Tori answered. "There's another thing. That portion of the brain is also responsible for personality." Tori tried to make it as clear as she could for them. "She's not the same person she used to be. If you spend time with her you'll probably notice similarities- gestures, that sort of thing. I don't want either of you to think you can pick up from where you left off five years ago."

"Is she ever going to get her memory back?" Jay questioned.

"I had a talk with a neurosurgeon here in Med, and he said it's not looking likely. Most amnesiacs remember something, but Rachel's case is very unique. She hasn't remembered a single thing. She'd hoped being in Chicago would trigger her memory but so far, nothing." She softened her tone. "I'm so sorry Jay, I know that wasn't the answer you were looking for."

Jay nodded, staring down at the report that he' taken back from Will. He was quiet for a few seconds before he responded. "Who would do this to her? Who would do this to us?" His head snapped up but Tori didn't see pain now, she saw anger. "Who the hell was that son of a bitch that took her away from us?"

"His name was Dan Wilson." Tori answered. "He was a doctor in New York. He was also a passenger aboard the plane that crashed recently. That's how Rachel came to find me and then you. I don't have a lot of information on the guy yet, but Rachel asked me to do some _digging_."

"What kind of digging?" Will asked.

Tori looked at Will and saw the anger in his eyes as well. It was clear he'd cared for his sister-in-law, and she found that thoughtful. They'd all lost so much _time_. Time they wouldn't get back. "She needs to know what happened to her. She's as confused as you both are, she'd trying to figure out which parts of her life are lies and which are truth. I think we're going to start with the nursing home where she was in the coma. Jay, you identified her belongings after the crash, didn't you?"

"Yeah," He crossed his arms over his chest. "There wasn't much there, just her purse and a burnt laptop."

"Do you still have them?" she tried not to sound hopeful, there was a chance the reminders were too painful and he'd gotten rid of them.

"I might, somewhere. I boxed up a lot of her stuff, but I can't be sure about those. How the hell will that help you?"

"Probably nothing, but R- she'd like to see them.

"You don't think this is related to their jobs, do you?" Will asked. Being a police officer meant making enemies. "You don't think this is relate to their work?"

"I don't know," Tori was beginning to realize that she didn't have many answers for them at all. "What we do know is that Jay dropped her at the airport and she woke from a coma years later. If this was a random act of violence or a kidnapping, she'd be dead by now. Somebody took time to make it look like she was on that flight, then took care of her after whatever her _actual_ accident was. We still need to figure that out. Maybe it _was_ related to work, I don't know."

"But what if it wasn't?" Jay asked.

"If it wasn't, we'll cross that off the list and move onto the next possibility. I have to keep bugging the doctor who's listed on her medical records."

Tori caught the fire in Jay's eyes. Fire that told her it was a good job that Dan Wilson was already dead. She understood his rage, but at the moment Rachel was of more importance. She needed to make sure Rachel had what she needed to get through the next few days in one piece.

"So what happens now?" asked Jay.

"That's really up to you and Rachel." Tori answered. "She isn't really asking for anything at this point. I think she needs time to absorb, just like you do. If you're concerned about a legal visitation to Olivia, that's not what she's after so you don't have to worry about that. Maybe you two need to try and work that out before bringing anything legal."

She glanced between the brothers, wishing she could do something to make the situation easier on Jay. "You're welcome to take the reports, she wanted you to know."

Jay left the room first, sensing Will was lingering behind. "I'll see you outside." Then he walked free from the office.

"How did she take it?" Will asked when they were alone.

"Not well," Tori breathed out. "She knew before I said it though, just like Jay did. They have a lot to work through."

Will exhaled, blowing a ton of air from his mouth. "I don't know how to make this easier for him."

"Just be there for him. it's about to get sticky, Will."

"Oh shit, the _boy._ "

Tori looked shocked. "Wait, you know?"

"I didn't, until just now." He closed his eyes. "I saw a photo on her desk. _Fuck_." He detailed to Tori his visit to Rachel's office. "I didn't put two and two together until now. Well, _shit._ I thought things were bad before…"

"You can't say anything. She's going to tell him. She needs a little time to figure out how. Will, we have to let them work through this together."

"I'm torn on this one, Tori. He's my _brother_."

"Will, you're doing the right thing already. I'm sorry you're stuck in the middle of it. Can I do anything?"

He flashed her a grin. "You can have dinner with me."

"You know I can't do that. I'm representing Rachel."

He sighed, knowing she was right. That didn't stop him feeling disappointed. "I should get going. I have a feeling this is gonna get bad before it gets better."

 _Yep_ thought Tori _you're right._

* * *

Jay checked the address he'd found and stared at the small two-floor house. It was nothing like his house, this was much smaller and more secluded. Not even close to the place they'd shared together on the other side of town. Still, this side of Chicago wasn't cheap, and he wondered how she was able to fund a place like this.

He took in the sight of the small houses on the bare street and he rubbed the dull ache in his chest. He wanted to see her, felt like he needed to see her. There were things he needed to say, now they knew for sure. He couldn't sit around and wait for her to make the first move.

His legs were totally unsteady, more than he wanted to admit, as he made his way towards her driveway. He knocked on the door. When nobody answered, he paused and listened: there were voices coming from the back of the house. It looked open plan so he headed round to the other side.

The grassy area of her garden was unfenced. As he reached the back of Erin's cottage, his eyes drifted to a young boy playing with a Batman toy in the grass. When he sensed Jay, he turned and stared with his deep green eyes.

Eyes that were _exactly_ like Jay's. Same shape, same color. The brown haired boy even had the same shaped face.

"Um, hello," Jay managed, when he'd found his voice.

"You're a stranger," The little boy turned to run towards the house. "Momma! A stranger!"

 _Momma?_ Jay stepped towards the door to try and get another look at the kid. The door was wide open so he could get a fairly good look inside. The child ran up to his Mom, and she turned towards him.

Jay's pulse raced as he stood in the yard, trying to figure out what the hell he'd just seen. No _way_ was this real. He mentally ticked off time in his mind as his gaze shifted towards the woman coming out of the house. Words choked in his throat. Snapshots of their life together flashed before his eyes, memories of a pregnancy that she'd only just told him of, before she'd left on that trip.

"I didn't expect to see you today," she spoke as she came into his view.

"I.. uh, I can see that." He looked back towards the house, still too stunned to do anything but stare. "The boy-"

"He's my son," When Jay looked at her again, she added "I'm pretty sure he's your son, too."

"My…" he swallowed hard. "… _son_?"

She crossed her arms across her middle, looking beautiful and nervous and a thousand other things he couldn't describe because he wasn't thinking clearly. "He was almost three when I woke up. He was born by C-section when I was in that coma. He's four and doesn't know anything about this yet. I.. I haven't told him about you yet." She hesitated before speaking again. "He thinks his father died in that plane crash."

Jay couldn't seem to keep his eyes from glancing in the direction the little boy had walked. "I have a son."

A _son_. A four-year-old little boy who looked just like him. With his green eyes and brown hair and Erin's little dimple. His heart felt alive in his chest. A son he hadn't once let himself dream about because it was too painful to think about that fact he'd lost more than one thing.

But he _hadn't_ lost him. He was here. He was as alive as Erin. He was…

"You didn't say anything," His happiness morphed into confusion. "All this time, and you didn't say anything?"

"I didn't know for sure until yesterday. I still don't, he hasn't been tested-"

"But you're pretty sure now?"

"I have a strong feeling. It's not the same."

"A _strong feeling_. It doesn't take a strong feeling to see he looks just like me." Jay raked a hand through his hair. "Shit, all this time and you didn't tell me? Were you even going to tell me?"

"Of course. I wasn't planning on keeping him from you!"

"Isn't that what you're doing?" His jaw clenched. "You obviously didn't _tell_ me when you found out who you are."

"Jay, it's been a day-"

He was getting frustrated. "Only a day?! A day is like a lifetime for me. I assumed you'd lost the baby!" Jay drew in a breath to try and calm his temper. "Fuck, he's my son? Do you have any idea how much I wanted that baby? Oh my God, I didn't just lose you. I lost him too. And now you think it's okay to tell me it's only been one goddamn day?"

Jay backed away. Why couldn't he control his emotions when he was around her? One minute he wanted to scream in her face and the next he felt guilty for doing so. Why was everything getting worse instead of getting better? He had a son. A _son_. He should be happy, he should be thrilled. Instead, all he felt was pain, misery and a whole lot of confusion.

"Don't do this," she pleaded. "I'm telling you now."

"You didn't tell me. I found out on my own accidentally!"

"I was going to tell you," her voice was quiet.

"When? When it was convenient for you? Did you even think about how I'd feel? No you didn't, because you can't remember anything about me. It's convenient, isn't it? That you have an excuse for not caring about anybody else's feelings?"

"Jay-"

He had to stop his emotions getting the better of him. She didn't _remember_ him. She didn't care about him. He had to think about Olivia and… his son.

"What's his name?" He knew his tone had turned harsh, but he currently didn't care.

"Freddie-" she blew out a breath. "Freddie Daniel Wilson."

"You gave our son his name." His jaw was tight.

"Jay, I didn't name him. I was in a coma when he was born!"

He closed his eyes and forced himself to stay quiet. "I need visitation. If you won't agree to it, I should take it to the courts-"

"I'll agree. I don't want to keep him from you."

"Okay. You have to tell him. I'm not going to pretend he isn't mine. We both know he is. I've waited too damn long already."

"Okay, I'll do it-"

"And I want his name to be changed. I want him to have my name. _Our_ name, goddamn it." He glared at her through wide eyes. He knew, he _knew_ this wasn't her fault. Knew it wasn't directly her doing, but shit, he _hurt._ "Keep the middle name if you have to, but his last name should be Halstead."

His fingers pushed against his temples as he continued. "I'll meet you on Saturday next to the pier. Please don't be late."

Her hand closed around his arm to stop him from leaving. "Hey! This isn't _easy_ for me! None of this is. I'm trying to do the right thing-"

"The right thing? Which one is the right thing? Not telling me about our son, or getting married when you're still married to _me_?

Her hand fell from his bicep but she didn't step back. "Jay, that's not fair. I didn't _know_ I was your wife when I was with Dan. He led me to _believe_ we were married. It's not like we went through a ceremony."

"Oh, how convenient for you."

Jay saw the hurt in her eyes, but he also saw a tinge of anger.

"You use that word 'convenient' a lot, don't you?" She started. "I seem to be a 'convenient' target for you. If you've got something to _say,_ just say it."

"Fine," he now spoke through gritted teeth. "I don't like you."

"Perfect," she let out a laugh but didn't smile. "Then we're even because right now, I think you're a fucking asshole."

Jay's jaw tightened to the point that it hurt. He stared hard at her. At the woman who was still his _wife_. It didn't matter that she didn't remember him. What mattered was she thought she'd been married to somebody else. He wished she'd known that she belonged to him first.

He left her standing at the back of her house. He knew she was right. He was an asshole. A grade-A asshole. But all he could think about was the fact she was wearing a wedding ring, given by another man. That, and the fact he now had two children. A son she'd named after _that_ fucking son of a bitch.

* * *

The wretched ache in Rachel's chest was worse than _any_ other pain she'd ever experienced. Shit, she'd have a million CAT scans over this. That was saying a _lot_.

She didn't know what to do but she knew who would. Will knew his brother better than anyone. And she couldn't concentrate anyway, so she decided to go and see him. Maybe he could tell her what to do.

Will was on a phone-call when she peeked her head around his office. When he turned, she forced a smile and walked into the room. As he finished his conversation, her eyes darted around the room. She was drawn to a cabinet full of photographs, one in particular. It was of the three of them- her with Will and Jay.

"I was hoping we could talk," She said after he'd hung up the phone.

"You up for a walk?" He suggested.

"Sure," she followed him from the room and outside. "I'm assuming you heard about yesterday."

Will slipped his hands into the pockets of his trousers. "I did," He cleared his throat. "Are you okay?"

Her brow creased. "No. Jay was a _little_ pissed when he left."

"Jay can have a temper," He said as they walked further into the street. "He doesn't handle it well sometimes."

"Oh there's a surprise…" She said sarcastically. "He wouldn't even let me talk."

"Er- Rachel, you've got to understand this is really hard for him. He changed after you disappeared, he shut himself down in a lot of ways."

"Why is it so much easier to talk to you instead of him?"

Will laughed. "Because you weren't in love with me. And I guess, you don't owe me anything. Jay wants his wife back."

She dropped onto a park bench, her breathing hitched. "I'm not his wife. I may have her body and her face and her voice, but I'm not. Not anymore."

"Yeah, you are." He dropped to the bench beside her. "You can't see it because you don't remember it. But you're _still_ her. Things you say, things you do, the way you carry yourself. You still have the same gently spirit she did."

"But I'm different."

"Well, that too. But it doesn't mean you aren't who you are now because of who you were then. People change all the time."

"But your brother is so… _cold_. I can't believe he was ever the man you describe. Everything I've seen of him in the last week makes him look the type of man that the media makes him out to be. He's arrogant, sometimes cold-hearted and a fucking ass," She groaned. "I can't read him. I don't know that I'll ever be able to."

Will chuckled. "But, that's Jay. He keeps his emotions closely guarded. Although he wasn't always like that."

"What changed him?"

"Losing you changed him. Jay closed himself off from everything and everybody when we lost you. He essentially existed for two reasons: to work and to take care of Olivia. Nothing else in his life mattered. You have to know that although you have to get to know your daughter, the thought of losing her would be terrifying to him."

"I wouldn't try and take her away from him."

"I know," he spoke softly.

Rachel sighed. "I feel like my life is split in two. The person I was before, the person I am now. I don't know how to balance them."

"Maybe you're trying too hard. It'll happen when it happens, I know it's hard. But you guys will get through this. Give him a day or so. Once he's spent time with Freddie, his anger is sure to disappear."

"So I shouldn't go and see him today?"

"No, you shouldn't. There's no way you'll get through to him."

"Will, I don't know what difference a day will make. I just seem to set him off _every_ time he sees me."

"You think you didn't set him off before?" Will scoffed. "You did it _all_ the time. That's what made your relationship so fun to watch. He always thought you were either too independent or something and it pissed him off. Deep down, I think he feared you didn't need him the way he needed you." He placed a reassuring hand on her arm. "He's a good guy, Rachel." His brow creased slightly. "God, it's so weird to call you that. Listen, give him a bit of time. Don't tell him I told you, but this hurts him so much because he wants more from you than you can give him right now."

Rachel wanted to laugh. "What? He's got beautiful women draped across him in all the pictures I've seen in the media. What the hell could he possibly want from me?"

"You really don't know?" There was clear amusement in his voice. "He wants you back."

An ache settled near her heart. "I don't know if I'll ever be able to give him that."

"Jay hasn't opened his heart to _anybody_ since you left. I think the realization that _you_ did is what's making this so hard. He loves you as much as he did, probably even more, before you disappeared. You don't. That hurts him."

She closed her eyes. "I don't want to hurt him."

He shuffled on the park bench. "Were you in love with the other guy?" He asked gently.

She no longer felt comfortable sitting. Rachel stood and started to pace. "I thought I was. Though now I'm wondering why. How could I be so fucking stupid? It's obvious the guy never loved _me."_

Will walked over to her. "There's a reason all of this happened. You have to believe that."

"I don't really know what to believe anymore."

* * *

Will wandered through the front door of Jay's house and felt like he'd walked in on a war zone.

"I'm not _going_!" Olivia screamed from upstairs, slamming a door.

"Yes you are, Liv! You don't have a choice!" Jay's shout travelled to the upper floor of the house. He spotted his brother. "If I don't have a fucking choice, then she doesn't either."

"You can't make me! I won't go!" Olivia yelled, before slamming the door again.

"What the hell is going on?" Will managed to squeeze in between their shouting match.

"She's pissed about tomorrow. She doesn't want to go see Erin…Rachel.. or whatever she's calling herself these days,"

"oh, Will snuck beside Jay to grab a beer from the fridge. " _Rachel_."

"Yeah, whatever." Jay grabbed a beer himself.

Will blew out a breath. Definitely not a good night in the Halstead household. Olivia trailed into the kitchen, stared at her father before sitting next to her uncle.

"I'm not going tomorrow." She said, throwing her hands on the table. "You can tell him uncle Will, he's not listening to _me_."

"Oh I think he can hear you just fine."

"I don't want to go! I really really don't want to see her!" Her little eyes filled with tears.

"You know what, Livi? I love you, but you're talking about your Mom and I'm not going to let you say mean things. You can be upset, you're allowed to be frustrated but you're going to have to get used to it. She is your _Mom_ and she deserves a chance to get to know you. And you can give me that death stare all you like, but you're not going to change the fact." Will tried to calm the situation.

Olivia started to cry and ran from the room.

"I'll go to her," Will said. "she's mad at you."

"She's mad at the whole damn fucking world." Jay scoffed, taking a large gulp of beer.

"So are you buddy. Bad combo," Will slapped his shoulder. He made his way upstairs, Olivia's door was closed.

"Can I come in, Livi?"

"NO!" She shouted.

"Well I am anyway," He pushed the door ajar and looked at his niece who'd collapsed on her bed. "How long are you gonna stay mad for?"

"As long as I want to, Uncle Will! She's going to ruin _everything_!"

"You don't know that."

"I do! She's going to spoil everything."

"Livi, give it a chance okay?"

"I don't want to."

"Then do it for me. She's your Mom, so do it for me."

On a long sigh, she pulled back and wiped her tears with a sleeve of her sweater. "Okay. But you owe me."

* * *

Rachel changed her clothes three times. Slacks? A skirt? Then she slid on jeans, they were the way to go. Calm and casual…

She glanced at her reflection in the mirror and frowned. Who was she trying to fool? She wasn't calm, she wasn't even anywhere near that emotion.

She messed with her hair for the billionth time. Up, down, then back up. Finally she decided to leave her curls lose.

By the time she'd fastened Freddie into the car, she already felt exhausted. This was a _bad_ idea. She was having a lot of those lately.

She and Freddie were the first ones there, so she sat with him on some steps. She found herself trying not to stress about a situation that was so far beyond her control. Then again, her whole life felt like it was beyond her control nowadays.

They strolled up ten minutes later. Rachel's stomach rolled when she clocked eyes on him. Her palms grew damp. He wore lose-fitting jeans and a shirt, the sleeves rolled to his elbows and the buttons stopping mid-chest. So he could look calm and casual.

And for fuck's sake, sexy as hell.

Rachel's gaze fell to the girl. Olivia sent her a wicked glare.

She straightened her back, this was going to be awkward no matter what. She may as well get it over with.

Letting out a sigh, Rachel picked up Freddie and approached the pair.

"Freddie," she said quietly. "This is Jay." She swallowed the lump in her throat. "This is your… Daddy."

 **Please Review! :)**


	5. Chapter 5

Freddie looked at Jay, his little brow furrowing. He reached out to pull the sunglasses off Jay's nose. "Green eyes, Momma. Not like yours."

"That's right Freddie," she answered.

Freddie wiggled free from her grip and looked up at Olivia. "You don't have green eyes."

"No kidding," Olivia said sarcastically. Jay nudged her in the ribs.

Jay slipped the glasses back over his eyes, for a second Rachel had seen his eyes and they'd looked pretty tired and sad, a little bit overwhelmed. But she'd also seen joy when he'd looked at Freddie.

"So," he said. "I thought maybe we could split for a few hours, you take Liv and I'll take Freddie then we could meet back here around 1?"

"Sure," she replied to him but didn't seem so sure. She looked to where the two children were running, Olivia didn't know it yet but she was already playing the protective older sister.

"Um," Jay shifted on his feet. "Liv's been a little _shocked_ by the whole thing. Let me know if she gets out of line. I guess she can be a handful sometimes."

Rachel smiled. "I got it, but I'll let you know."

He nodded. "Alright, then I guess I'll see you around 1?" Jay stepped away from her and towards their boy. When he crouched at Freddie's face, he slipped the sunglasses back off. A wide grin spread on Freddie's face and he giggled, before he slid his hand into Jay's and they walked away.

"Bye Momma!" He waved as they started in the opposite direction.

Rachel's chest tightened. An ache cut through her as she watched them walk away from her. She'd seen Freddie hold Dan's hand time after time, but it never affected her the way this did.

She rubbed the pain in her chest with her palm and blew out a shaky breath. Things had to get easier. _They just had to_.

She turned her attention to Olivia. "How do you feel about ice cream?"

"Dad never lets me have ice-cream at ten in the morning."

"So we don't tell him. Don't tell me you don't like ice cream."

Olivia bit her lip as she stared at Rachel. The woman was still a _stranger_ and her Dad had just left them alone together. She followed Rachel as they walked towards the café along the pier. Rachel ordered a coffee. Olivia, after much deliberation of the menu, opted for a root beer float.

Rachel eased back in her chair and looked at the girl. Jay was right, she did look older than she was, but there was still that tinge of innocence about her.

"Olivia, look at me." Rachel set down her coffee, trying to get the attention of her.

But she was so engrossed in her drink. "You know, Moms don't disappear on their kids, they're not supposed to do that." When she finally looked at Rachel, there were tears glistening in her eyes. "Moms are supposed to stick around, they're supposed to care…."

Rachel's heart broke for the girl. "If I could change any of this, I would. I would do it in an instant."

"My dad loved my mom a _lot_." Olivia continued. "It really made him sad when she was gone."

"I know he did. I don't doubt that he did. I just want to spend some time with you and get to know you. Your dad wants to do the same with Freddie."

"But when you went away, you got married again didn't you?"

Rachel's chest tightened. "Your dad told you that?"

"Not exactly," Olivia slurped more of her drink. "I heard him talking to Uncle Will about it. Did you?"

It wasn't a good way start a relationship with her daughter by lying to her. Even though this wasn't the way she wanted the conversation to go. Honesty was the best route so Rachel nodded. "I think so. I don't really know how to explain the situation, because I don't really know myself. If I had known about you and your dad, things would be very different."

"And he died in the plane crash?" Olivia looked down at the table. "That's why you came looking for us?"

"Yes, he died. That's how I found out about you."

"What was his name?" Olivia asked. Rachel could see this was hard on the girl, but she was curious. So she let the topic continue, not sure where it was headed.

"Dan. He was a doctor."

"Do you miss him?"

Rachel let out a breath. "I don't know what I feel right now, Olivia. Things are pretty messed up at the minute."

The little girl's questions continued. "But you weren't really married to him, right? Cause you're still married to my dad."

 _Well shit._ Olivia was talking so much sense. "No, I guess I wasn't. Your dad and I haven't really talked about that, though."

"I'm more grown up than I look, you know. I know a lot about what adults do."

Heat crept up Rachel's face. This definitely wasn't what she'd wanted to talk about today. She needed to take the conversation back to neutral ground.

She scratched at her scar. "Can we focus on the two of us? We're here because we need to get to know each other, we're going to be in each other's lives. I don't know what will happen, but I'll be here. I promise I'm not leaving."

"You already said that." Olivia looked away. "Can we go back and find my dad now?"

Apparently getting to know Olivia was going to be _way_ harder than she first thought. Still, today was a beginning. She paid the bill and they walked from the café in silence. It felt like Olivia had closed down already, put up walls that her dad was also so good at building.

Walking back to the pier, they spotted Jay and Freddie sitting on some steps, sharing an ice cream. Olivia ran up to them, sitting next to her father. The transformation in her mood was incredible.

Rachel stopped and took in the scene of the three of them. They seemed to _fit_. Freddie was smiling, laughing and trying to climb on Jay's back. That didn't surprise her though, her son had always been a happy child. Olivia even seemed to be warming to him.

 _She_ was the one causing all the confusion and hurt. She didn't know how to make this work.

Her eyes slid shut and she turned her back on them, she didn't like to cry in front of her baby and she wasn't about to change that.

She just needed a few minutes, that's all she needed.

* * *

Jay watched her as she disappeared further along the pier. He glanced at Olivia, then over at Freddie. They looked happy, but Rachel definitely didn't. _Shit_.

"Livi, keep an eye on Freddie."

"Dad, do I have to?" Olivia moaned.

He shot her a look, one that he knew would get through to her. "Yes, you have to. Stay here and don't wander. I'll be right back."

He found her on a bench about fifty yards away, between some trees. Her head was resting in her hands but he didn't need to see her face to know how she was feeling. He'd seen her smiling with joy, so angry she was on fire, and in the midst of the worst tears. Every time, he'd known what to say or do to comfort her. This time, he didn't.

Jay slid onto the bench beside her. He was sitting so close that he could smell her scent. After all those years, she still wore the same perfume.

"Was she that bad?"

She shook her head, still not looking up. "No. Just honest, I guess."

"That means bad."

"No Jay, she was fine. Don't get upset with her."

When she eventually lifted her head, he couldn't get past the tears in her eyes. His heart clenched. "I'm sorry, I don't know what to do to make this better."

Rachel wiped at her face with trembling hands. "It's okay, it's me. I'm the one that made it difficult."

"No, you're not." An instinct came over him. He reached out to her before he could think different, sliding an arm around her shoulder and pulling her close to his chest. Her body stiffened at first, then it relaxed when she realized he wasn't going to let go. His body was on fire as she sank into him. When she turned her face into his chest, his heart felt even tighter.

How could he have forgotten what she felt like? Memories flashed now in his mind, one's he'd suppressed for so many years because he didn't want to feel the mind-numbing pain. Her lying in his arms in their bed, her skin over his, her lips pressed against him, her mouth whispering tantalizing things to him.

With her body so close like this, every minute they'd spent together became more vivid in his brain. It just felt right and he didn't want to let go.

"Don't cry," he whispered. "Damn it, don't cry."

She gulped in unsteady breaths. Her chest pressed against his side. As her hand moved across his chest, his skin tingled beneath the fabric of his shirt. It was a casual touch, but it sent a jolt of electricity through him, spurring alive all kinds of thoughts and memories.

She eased back enough to look at him. When she did, her hazel eyes tugged at something deep in his soul that nobody had ever been able to tug at before. The eyes that had haunted him ever since the day she'd disappeared.

Rachel's hand lifted and she paused, then reached out to slide the sunglasses from his face. Her gaze settled on his, recognition sparkling in her glittering eyes. Recognition, then _fear._

She pulled away and sat up, wiping her eyes.

"I guess we should head home," Jay stood after she'd broken their gaze.

Rachel nodded, standing after him.

He rested his hands on his waist. "Give me time to talk to Olivia. I would like to see Freddie again soon, though. I was thinking maybe we could meet somewhere after work, during the week. Maybe for a few hours again."

"Sure. I can do that." Her voice was steadier.

"I want them to get to know each other too. They need time together as well."

"They do."

"We can set up an alternate weekend thing. You have both, I have both."

She nodded. Part of him wanted to just grab her. Part of him wanted to run.

He watched her face for any sort of indication that she even felt a fraction of what he did. He couldn't see it. He couldn't see anything.

* * *

Rachel and Freddie walked up to Jay's front door. She knew Jay wanted to see more of his son, but she hadn't expected to be invited for a family barbecue so soon. As she rang the bell and waited she heard feet moving across the floor inside, but was surprised when Tori Rivers opened the door.

"Hey, come on in." Tori moved to the side so they could walk in.

"I didn't know you'd be here," Rachel said.

"Jay said you were coming by. I have some news for you, I hope you don't mind." She glanced down at the little boy. "Ah, you must be Freddie! Hey dude!"

Freddie smiled, attempting to wriggle his hand free from his mother's grip.

"Of course I don't mind, you were friends with these guys before I came back."

They heard laughter coming from the rear garden and Freddie ran off like a shot. He was probably curious as to what was happening.

"Come through," Tori led her through the kitchen and towards the garden. "They're playing baseball," She laughed.

Rachel watched Will pitch a ball to Olivia, who hit it and sent it sailing over his head. Freddie ran around his feet, scrambling for the ball. She hadn't even introduced her son to his uncle yet, but they seemed to be getting on already.

"Cute," Tori laughed, then turned her attention back to Rachel. "Whilst they're occupied, shall we talk?"

Rachel suddenly felt uneasy. "okay," she gulped.

"Rachel, no one seems to know where your New York doctor is. The man's simply vanished into thin air." She reached into her purse and slid a sheet of paper at her. "This is his last known address. He put in for leave at the hospital and said he was taking 'mental health' vacation. That was three weeks ago. I tried to track him, but so far nothing."

Rachel's brow wrinkled.

"Also, Dan's father? Did you say his name was Xavier? Xavier Wilson? Yeah, I can't find anyone who fits the name and description you gave me. It's like he never existed."

"That's not right."

"It's a common surname I guess, but the man you've told me about doesn't live in New York and he never has. Did Dan ever call him by a different name?"

She rubbed her throbbing head, her scar pulsating. "I don't know. They didn't exactly get _along_. Dan would avoid him when he could."

"Did he ever mention why?"

"No, we never talked about his relationship with his Dad."

"Okay. Rachel, if anything comes back to you, let me know. His disappearance is really weird."

Rachel nodded. "What about the nursing home?"

"I _do_ have a connection there. Visiting hours are on until 8pm. Tomorrow?"

"You just need to tell me when. I'll be there."

They glanced towards the door as their company came inside. Jay glanced over at Rachel, raising his eyebrows in acknowledgement.

"We can talk more later," said Tori. She moved towards the fridge and grabbed a few beers, before moving back to the garden. That left Rachel and Jay.

He didn't speak, so she went first. "Look, if this is awkward I can go."

"You don't have to go on my account," His attention was focused on the dishes.

"Jay-" She took a step towards him, knowing he was avoiding looking at her. "I know this is hard for you. I understand what this means to you, even if I can't put myself in your position. I can't lie to you. There's something about you… that intrigues me. Although I don't know what it is. You are cocky, you are rude and often you're cold. Every time I'm around you…"

He still looked like he wasn't going to talk, his gaze going to the window. Rachel continued. "You're living up to that reputation the media gives you." He eventually looked her way causing her tone to soften. "But even with all that, I'm still at a loss. I may not have the memories but I can still have feelings. At the pier, it was like an odd sense of déjà vu. It was like… like I recognized something about being close to you. But I don't _know_ what it means. Quite frankly, I can't think about it at the moment."

Now he looked as though he was listening, but she still had more to get off her chest. "I'm _overwhelmed._ It's more than I can handle. I can't even _begin_ to focus on you until I manage to sort through things. I can't hurt you anymore than I already have."

"I got it," he finally said. "The kids should be priority." He dried his hands and turned towards her. "Listen, though. I'm not a patient person, I'm not. I've been through five years of hell whilst you've been living a different life. I'm not going to sit back and let you put me on the back burner until you're ready to deal with me."

He moved closer, causing Rachel to step back all the way until she hit the wall. His face was inches from her own, his breath hot on her skin. She inhaled the smell of his soap, felt the heat radiating from his skin. And she had a sudden urge to wrap her hand around his neck and pull his mouth down to hers.

Which was off-the-fucking-charts _insane_.

"You're just gonna have to deal with me now," he said, his voice low. "Right along with everything else."

Instead of grabbing his face and tasting his mouth like her body suddenly wanted to do, she poked at his chest with a finger. "Hey, this isn't all about you. I'm doing the best I can. Nothing is easy, for any of us."

Frustration and anger and fear welled up inside her body. She curled her fingers into the front of his shirt.

"Remember Jay," she added. "I'm here because I want to be here."

Strange yet familiar sparks flew between them. Sparks that told her they'd had this argument before. Not the topic exactly, but the face-off. The sexually charged confrontation. She didn't need the memories to _know_ the chemistry between them was unbelievable. She could feel that for herself. But unlike arguments of the past, this one wouldn't end in sweaty, passionate sex.

She wasn't about to set herself up to be burned out again. Especially not with him.

* * *

They moved inside when the air got cold.

In the lounge, the flickering lights of the TV in the corner caught Rachel's attention. Nobody seemed to be noticing it so she moved to turn it off, only to pause her hand when the reporter mentioned Jay's name. She sucked in a gasp.

Jay was next to her within the next few seconds. He gasped too.

The reporter was standing outside the District. Jay's District, his office, his place of work.

" _Channel Four News has recently learned that Chicago's Head Detective Jay Halstead, whose wife died about the U.S Airlines flight which crashed shortly after take-off, received shocking news this week. His wife may still be alive._

 _Sources confirm this woman, Rachel Wilson, agreed to undergo DNA testing to verify suspicions she is Halstead's wife. A source close to the pair confirms Ms Wilson suffers from a rare form of amnesia, which has virtually blocked out all of her long-term memory, which makes this discovery even more a success._

 _Halstead, shown here at the Detective Ball last winter, and his lawyers are not commenting at this time, but sources do tell us it is highly likely Ms Wilson is in face Erin Halstead. Jay, currently the highest ranked cop here in state, has very rarely spoken about his deceased wife. He has been too focused on his work with the police…"_

"For fuck's sake," Jay flipped off the TV and began to walk out of the room.

Rachel sank down onto the couch and put her head in her hands. She tried to rub away the headache that was creeping slowly into her temples. As if things weren't bad enough, their story had now made it on the news.

Tori sank into the couch next to her, Will moved to go find his brother.

"This is all we fucking need," Rachel said.

"Yep." Tori automatically went to lawyer mood. "I'm thinking both you and Jay will have to make a public statement. It's the _only_ way the press will back off. I know how fast the press moves, they haven't found you but they will."

Rachel pushed herself from the couch and walked into the kitchen. Jay was pacing with the phone held to his ear.

A chill spread over her. She'd seen Jay be frustrated before, but this was so damn different. His voice was cold, his face was hard and rigid. Whoever he was talking to was getting the wrath of his fury.

"I don't give a damn what they want," he said over the phone. "My personal life is my fucking business. I never comment on it, and I'm sure as hell not going to start now." When he was done, he tossed the phone onto the table and closed his eyes. "What do you want to do?"

The question was meant for Rachel, but she didn't have a clue. Had the media cared this much for Jay's personal life when they were together? She wondered. "What if we ignore it?"

Jay scoffed. "They will hound us until we break."

"So, do we face them head on?" She directed her question at Jay but looked at Tori.

"I don't want my personal life plastered all over _The Times_."

"Jay," Tori interrupted. ""I don't think you have a choice in the matter right now. Either we give them something or they're going to try their damn hardest to make up something much worse. I know your need for privacy, I know you don't want to involve Olivia and Freddie in this, but making a statement is the better thing to do."

Jay scowled. "I fucking hate the press."

Tori smiled towards Rachel. "We need a plan of action. We make it clear the children are off limits. You guys can make a joint statement, act like you're being civil-" She shot a glance at them both. "Then you can answer a few brief questions. It'll be over before you know it."

The lawyer turned her attention to Jay. He was scowling still. "Jay." She wagged a finger in his direction. "The press will tear Rachel to shreds if you don't be Mr Nice Guy. The press isn't interested in your job this time, they're interested in your family."

* * *

Not even a torrential downpour could keep the press away. Jay had suggested they hold it from the safety of a hotel room, until the press backed away from their homes. Of course, he'd booked the penthouse suite for himself.

Rachel glanced out of the window at the crowds gathering outside. The sheets of rain were literally slamming onto the sidewalk. The day was dark and grey, much like her mood.

She turned away from the weather to try and refocus on what was about to happen, but every time she looked at Jay she was startled by the image he'd managed to create. He wore an expensive suit with a crisp white shirt and dressed that way in such an environment, Rachel could see people may be intimidated.

Rachel wished Tori was by her side, but she'd already gone downstairs to herd the press. Jay continued to talk to his team, seemingly ignoring the fact Rachel was even there.

Another member of Jay's team snuck his head around the door of the penthouse. "It's time, Mr Halstead."

Rachel's stomach dropped. _Here they go._ She dropped her arms to the side of her body, straightening her outfit. Before she could take a step from the room, the blond woman from Jay's group approached her.

"Ms. Wilson, I'm Izzy Murray, Jay's second in command. You, uh, we did know each other but I figured… given….uhm, anyway. I realize this is probably a lot to deal with right now and if there's anything we can do to make you feel more comfortable, please let us know."

She was about to respond when Izzy stepped into the corridor with the rest of Jay's team. It suddenly hit her that she perhaps worked with half of these people, Jay and her worked together before the accident right? Did she know half of these people, or did he have a new team now? It definitely wasn't the right time to ask.

Jay walked up to her. "Ready?" he asked.

She nodded. _Ready as I'll ever be_ she thought. She tried really hard to swallow the lump in her throat but this time, it wasn't going anywhere.

He stayed next to her as they walked down the hallway, the expression on his face blank. For the first time since she'd met him, Rachel wished he'd say something, anything. Words or comfort or even yelling. _Anything._

They rode the elevator in quiet. Not a single member of his team said anything, but a few of them stole glances that they thought she didn't notice. When the elevator pinged open, they were automatically swarmed with flashing cameras and reporters shouting questions. For the first time, Rachel caught a glimpse of Jay's public image, of how frustrating it must be for him to be in the spotlight. Because she definitely didn't like it herself.

At the far end of the room sat a long table and a podium with a collection of microphones. Jay's lawyers filtered to the microphones where Tori was already waiting. Rachel and Jay stepped up behind them.

"You okay?" Tori leaned over.

Rachel nodded, even though all she wanted to do was throw up.

Izzy spoke first and Rachel realized Jay must have picked her for a spokesperson. "Good morning," she spoke in a firm and confident tone. "I'm Isabel Murray, Second in Command of the Chicago Police Force. I'd like to lay down some rules before we get the statement. Mr Halstead and Ms Wilson have asked me to read a statement, which I request you refrain from speaking during. Afterwards, there will be room for questions." Izzy slipped on a pair of glasses and Rachel watched how the woman kept her cool. How did she do it? But then Rachel thought she must be used to it, the Police Force have media coverage all the time. Izzy looked down at the prepared statement.

"Five years ago, Mr Halstead's wife, Erin Halstead boarded a flight…" What followed was a brief description of the events that had brought them together.

Izzy didn't seem to miss a beat as she read the statement. She kept reading, gazing across the sea of reporters. She didn't even show a hint of emotion. The reporters seemed to listen, scribbling notes and nodding as she spoke. Izzy glanced up when she'd finished, stepping back to let Rachel and Jay walk towards the microphone. Nerves ran through her, but she tried her best to smile and look composed.

"Good morning," Jay led with. "I don't think I need to tell you that we're all in shock over the events of the past few weeks. At this meeting neither I nor Ms Wilson will be answering questions regarding out personal lives. I'd appreciate your co-operation on the matter and request that you give us space so we can deal with the situation-"

As soon as he paused for breath, a ton of hands shot into the air. Jay pointed to one reporter.

"Can you tell us who recognized Ms. Wilson?"

"Yes. Tori Rivers, a lawyer here in the city."

"Ms. Wilson" another reporter cut in. "Can you explain how your memory has been affected since your accident?"

"I can try," Rachel smiled. "I'm not able to remember anything before waking from the coma. My memory basically started a year and a half ago."

Hands went up all over the room. Rachel pointed to a young woman with red hair. "Ms. Wilson, how did you end up in New York?"

"If I knew the answer to that question, we wouldn't be standing here right now." She smiled and called on somebody else.

"Ms. Wilson," a bald man with thick glasses. "Did you recognize Mr Halstead when you saw him?"

"No. I've seen a lot of pictures but I never recognized him."

"Ms Wilson, please," A gentleman at the back of the room. "What do you think of Mr Halstead's reputation and sometimes ruthless choices?"

Why were the press focusing on her, why wasn't Jay getting a lot of questions? Rachel tried to keep her calm appearance but inside, her stomach was doing flips.

"Mr Halstead seems like that on the outside, but I can assure you, he's human just like the rest of us."

Rachel pointed to somebody else. "Mr Halstead, how does it feel to see your wife after five years and have her not recognize you?"

He ignored the question, instead pointing in the other direction. Rachel shifted, she could practically feel the tension radiating from Jay's body.

"Ms. Wilson, what are your intentions at this point?"

"At this point," she breathed. "I simply want to get to know my family again. I'm going to expect the press to give me time to do that."

"Mr Halstead, what was your reaction when you saw your wife for the first time?"

"Shock." He obviously didn't want to elaborate, pointing to the next reporter.

"How did you react when you knew your wife was remarried?"

Jay's jaw clenched. How the fuck did they know that? They hadn't given specifics about Dan or her marriage in the prepared speech. "Ask another question."

"Ms. Wilson, have you filed for divorce from Mr Halstead?"

Rachel watched as Jay's jaw tightened even more and the anger built in his face. She was surprised he still kept it together. "At this point, we haven't digested all of the information let alone thought about _that_. Okay, we'll take one more question."

"Mr Halstead, have you taken any legal action to protect yourself financially from Ms Wilson if she files a divorce? Isn't it a nice little coincidence that she waited to show up until your career was at it's peak?"

"I'll kindly remind you that you're speaking about my _wife_." Jay finally snapped before Rachel could diffuse the question. "I do not give a rat's ass about what you think of the situation. Your freedom of speech does _not_ give you the right to pry into my personal life. This conference is over." He stepped back from the microphone, grabbed Rachel's hand and pulled her from the room.

The elevator was already waiting when they swept from the room. Jay let go of Rachel's hand as soon as the doors were closed. She swallowed, not quite sure what to do. Or _say_.

Oh, she couldn't wait to see the papers tomorrow. That had been fucking awful.

The doors opened and people in suits swarmed her. Jay stormed straight away to the bedroom. Izzy strolled into the penthouse. "That went well. So much for the prep work we did." She watched as Rachel moved towards the door Jay had just gone through. "I'd rethink that if I were you. You'll want to give him a while to calm down."

"Like hell I do." Rachel reached for the door and walked through. It slammed closed behind her.

Jay stood across the room with one hand on the window pane and the other on his hip.

"Wow, you have a way with reporters. I can see why the press want to print stories on you _sooo_ much."

"Go away. I'm really not in the mood for a pep talk."

Rachel half-laughed half-snorted. "I don't really _care_ what you're in the mood for. You weren't the only one in that room and if anybody has the right to be upset, it's me. They didn't slate your character or your intentions, they did that to _me_. Made me out to be some random who just turned up at your doorstep because I want your money."

His lack of response made her step further into the room. "Look at me when I'm talking to you. I have a right to see your face when we're arguing."

He spun so quickly it shocked her. The rage in his emerald eyes and the veins protruding his neck told her that his temper had reached its limit. "You have _no_ rights when it comes to me. Those rights were taken away when you walked out five years ago!"

"Why the fuck would you say that? You're blaming me for this now?"

"Because you were always so fucking independent. I asked you not to go on that trip, but you wouldn't listen. You had to do what you pleased and now look at the mess it's got us into."

Rachel's eyes narrowed. "You asshole. How _dare_ you bring up something like that, something I don't even _remember_. I am your _wife_ , not somebody you can order around and treat like crap."

She turned to leave, but he made it across the floor and grasped her arm before she could make it to the door. "My wife? Yesterday you didn't want to have anything to do with being my wife and now, when it's convenient you can use it?"

"Take your hands off me."

"Or what?" Jay backed her against the wall. "If you're my wife don't I have the right to touch you?"

The heat from his hands burned her skin beneath her jacket. But why was her heart thumping so wildly in her heart?

"Let go of me," she tried to be calm, maybe that way he would listen.

His jaw locked. His eyes stared into hers. In the silence, the connection she'd felt for him at the pier flared hot all over again, but sent her emotions into crazy overdrive.

"Damn it," He let go. Turned his back to her.

It was her turn to grab. She held onto his upper arm. "Jay."

His whole expression softened when he looked back at her. Something shot her straight in the heart, a look she hadn't seen before and one she wasn't expecting.

" _Shit_." His hands tangled in her hair as he pulled her mouth towards his. Those tempting lips crushed over her own. His tongue, rough and hot, dipped into her mouth when she opened it. Rachel reached for him before she'd even registered what she was doing, grabbing hold of his arms above the elbows.

He pressed her back against the wall, changed the angle of their kiss and took her deeper. The contrast of textures blew her mind- hair and firm against her hips, soft and sensual against her mouth. Need jolted through her, it shot spears of heat through her entire body.

She didn't even think to push away. She trembled when his hands combed through her hair, stroked down her shoulders and eventually settling at her waist. Her skin was on fire with each touch.

His lips trailed the line of her jaw, making a moan erupt from her throat. She lost her hands in his hair, the brown stands getting trapped between her fingers. When she dropped her head back, his lips moved down her neck.

She craved _more_. The word pounded in her brain, tightened her breasts and spread heat to her core. An ache pulsed between her legs, one that needed to be fulfilled. One that needed him to fill it. Jay fumbled with her jacket, threw it over his shoulders and trapped her arms at her sides. The fastenings on her shirt popped one by one; the front clasp of her bra opening with little effort.

He eased back just enough to look down and a groan escaped his mouth. Rachel's skin tingled as he stared at her and her whole body puckered when his hands moved to her breasts, teasing and moulding.

She wanted him. When his mouth found hers again, she opened automatically and drew him deep, her tongue tangled with his. Another noise left her body as she felt the length of his erection press into her stomach.

"I can't believe how good you feel," he murmured against her lips. His fingers played with her assets, sending shock waves of pleasure right through her. "I'd forgotten what you taste like."

Rachel struggled against him, freeing her arms and tugging at the shirt tucked into his pants.

"Jay," she said against his lips, kissing him over and over. Her common sense left her head. Her body was filled with fire and it raced along her skin when he lifted her leg around his hip. When his hands hiked into her trousers, when his fingers found her underwear.

She fumbled for with his belt buckle, then the button at the top of his pants. He stroked his fingers across the material of her panties. His hips pressed her further into the wall, his length hard and pulsing against her.

A promise of everything she wanted and needed and hadn't realized she'd craved.

She lifted her leg higher, rubbing herself against him.

An irritating noise came from elsewhere. "Rachel?" Tori's muffled voice echoed through the room. "Is everything okay?"

 _No for fuck's sake. Everything is not okay. Go away._

"Ignore her," Jay mumbled, continuing to kiss her jaw, her ear, her throat as he slid fingers inside her underwear. So close to her heat.

"Rachel?" Tori shouted again.

 _Damn it_.

Rachel's head rolled back and hit the wall. Jay's hand stilled and his lips hovered over her neck. Long seconds passed then he dropped his face against her shoulder. He let go of her leg, balancing himself by holding onto the wall behind her.

She didn't _want_ to let go. She didn't want to face the reality of outside the room. She trailed her fingers through his hair, trying to keep a grip on the moment.

"Rachel?" Tori knocked once more.

"Answer her, before she threatens to come in," Jay whispered.

Rachel swallowed. "Yeah..here…. I'll be right out."

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	6. Chapter 6

**I love how much you guys love this story! Thanks for all the awesome feedback :)**

His lips were merely a breath away from her skin and as she felt his chest vibrate, she realized she was laughing. It was a _good_ feeling. A warm feeling. An I-totally-didn't-expect-this-but-I-want-more feeling.

Jay pushed himself away before she could have more. In his absence, Rachel's skin chilled with the reality of what had just happened. He walked away from her and headed towards the bathroom, his hands held out to show her that he wasn't as under control as he needed to be either. She watched as he walked into the en-suite and closed the door behind him.

The room suddenly felt big, her skin turned cold and she realized he'd put up those fucking walls again. Not letting her all the way in.

Had she really almost slept with him, after the way he'd treated her? She wanted to cringe. No, sleeping with the guy implied something tender and a little more intimate. What she'd almost done was let him screw her against the wall whilst his team waited in the other room.

Considering she'd left her purse in the lounge area, she did her best with her appearance. She ran fingers through her curls and wiped away streaks of make-up. She re-buttoned her skirt and fastened her trousers before she finally walked to the mirror beside the window.

Fuck, she was a mess. Her hair was one big tangled knot. Her lipstick was gone, and she had a suspicion Tori would just need to look at her to know what had been going on in the bedroom.

She ran a hand across her face, wishing she could wipe away her stupidity. Unfortunately, all it did was remind her of how sensitive her skin was against Jay' mouth. She lifted her chin, she didn't need to worry: it had _almost_ happened, that didn't mean it had. Next time, she'd be more cautious and a hell lot stronger against his advances.

 _No_ she composed herself _there wouldn't be a next time._ She wasn't about to let Jay get to her like that, even if she was his wife.

Tori's eyes were directly on her when she walked out of the room. She was with Will though, which Rachel hadn't expected.

"What the hell happened downstairs?" Will led with.

"Will, please let it go," Rachel breathed, if they'd noticed anything about her appearance they weren't saying anything. "I've already had to deal with one irate man today, please don't make me deal with another."

"He's being a dick, right? I heard the press conference on my way over, but it doesn't give him a right to treat you like crap."

"I can handle it," she vocalized, although she wasn't sure of her words herself. "Where are the kids?"

"Izzy took them next door so they didn't have to hear World War 3."

Her eyes slid shut. _Fucking great_. She hated to shout in front of Freddie and well, she'd just made an even better impression on Olivia, hadn't she? She wanted to kick herself.

"Hey, you did a good job today." Will placed a hand on her shoulder. "That's part of the reason he's so pissed. You handled it much better than he ever will be able to."

She was about to respond when the door behind her opened and Jay slipped out.

"Are you done being a dick?" Will stared at him.

"Back off."

Will took a step towards him. "No. You're being an ass, and you know you are."

"Alright, stop." Rachel got between them. "You're both idiots if you think arguing is going to make this any better. You don't need to-"

Jay's gaze fell on her and he sucked in a breath. "You're bleeding."

"What?" Rachel touched her lip. "Damn, my nose." She tilted her head back and Will offered her a tissue. She pressed them against her face.

Rachel heard a door open before Jay grabbed her hand and pulled her back towards the bedroom. "You should clean up your face before we do anything else. Will, the kids."

Will nodded, but still scowled at his brother. Then he walked down the stairs.

Jay propped her up on the vanity in the bathroom. He handed her fresh tissues whilst she tried to make it stop.

"Don't look so concerned," she tried to joke. "It's not a big deal, I get them all the time."

"You do?" Jay took bloodied tissues from her grip and threw them into the trash.

"Usually when I'm stressed. And I think this whole day classifies as _that_."

He rested his hands on the countertop, a hand at either side of her thighs so she was sitting beneath his stance. "Look, I'm sorry. I was out of line yelling at you before. I'm really not mad at you. I'm just _frustrated_ with this whole thing. And now the press are involved, and they know…. It makes me angry. But I shouldn't have taken that anger out on you."

She tried to make eye contact with him over the pile of tissue surrounding her nose. "But you still think this is my fault."

"No. If you haven't figured out yet, I can have a temper when it comes to protecting my family." He pulled away the tissues and checked her nose.

"Did you always have a temper?" she questioned.

"Not really, I guess I'm not the same person I used to be." He replied.

Her fingertips brushed against his hand when he reached to wipe blood from her lip. "Nether am I, Jay."

His hand froze and their eyes locked together. His eyes seemed to reach a part in her soul that nobody else could. She could _literally_ feel herself being sucked back in, feel her heart thump heavily in her chest. She could feel the tingle on her skin that he could cause with one simple graze.

This close, she could see why so many women were drawn to him. The outside looked hard sometimes, primarily for his image and his job but underneath there was definitely something gentle struggling to break free. Had the gentleness been there before, and he was choosing to bury it? Why couldn't he let it free?

She knew they had a connection and she knew he felt it too. Rachel broke their gaze, it was too intense for her to handle right now.

Jay removed the tissues from her face and rinsed his hands in the faucet. "I think you're good."

She jumped down from the vanity and made for the door. But he caught a grip on her chin before she made it, stopping her from going any further.

"I'm sorry about what I said, but not about what happened after. I have been _dying_ to touch you these past few weeks. This probably wasn't the best place or time, but I don't regret it." There was determination in his eyes. "Next time, we won't be interrupted."

Rachel scoffed. "Next time? You think there's gonna be a next time?"

A smirk tugged at one side of his mouth. He was too handsome for her to handle, especially when it was just the two of them. And he was behaving this way. "Absolutely."

"I'm not just somebody you can screw against a wall, Jay. Contrary to what happened earlier, that's definitely not my style. I'm not one of those girls…"

He pulled her close before she could step away. The moment took her by surprise and she found her body moulding into his. "I'm not interested in _those_ girls."

He didn't make advances, just held her tight and rubbed a hand down her back. Like he needed it. Needed the contact, the connection. Needed _her_.

Rachel's eyes slid shut as she fought back the desire she'd felt in the bedroom.

"So, you want to tell me about this little trip you're going on with Tori tonight?" he said into her hair.

"What? How do you know?"

"Okay, I'm not proud of it but I eavesdropped. I heard you talking before I came into the kitchen. Why didn't you tell me you were going to visit the nursing home?"

"Jay, we haven't _exactly_ been on the best speaking terms…"

"But we are now. Is this really important to you?" He pulled away to look at her face.

"Don't you want to know what happened to me?"

"Of course I do." He sucked in air. "But not if it's going to add more complications that we don't need right now."

Rachel sighed. "I have to _know_. I lost five years of a life I didn't know, Jay. Somebody somewhere knows something."

"Okay," he spoke after several seconds. "I'll come with you."

"I don't need you to hold my hand."

There was a flash of irritation in his eyes. "This changed my life too. I'm going with you."

She sighed, if he wanted to tag along she wasn't going to stop him at this point. And he was right, he deserved answers just as much as she did. She nodded. "Okay."

His body seemed to relax. "Come on, we should go and see the kids. I don't know about you, but I kinda missed them." Emotion flickered in his eyes.

 _Emotions_ she thought _she didn't know she was ready for_. He confused her. He frustrated her. He infuriated her. But in an instant, he dazzled her. And that pissed her off.

Jay was a complex puzzle that seemed to have no solution; when she thought she'd figured him out, he'd go and do something she didn't expect.

It scared her. It got on her nerves.

But fuck, it electrified her.

* * *

"Okay, maybe I lied…." Tori spoke under her breath.

Jay was confused. "What do you mean, you _lied_?"

"Maybe this isn't strictly legal…" Tori said nervously, still talking quietly.

"Oh God, are you serious?" Jay spoke from the backseat, a slight panic to his tone. "You mean, we're breaking and entering?! I'm on the fucking Police Force, I can't be doing this!"

"Well…"

"Tori," Will spoke from the driver's seat. He'd acted like a little kid until they said he could accompany them. "Tori, you could lose your job over this."

"Don't be stupid, I'm not going to lose my job. I just mean the card I swiped for this place may have just 'slipped' into my possession."

"This is the dumbest idea ever." Will rested his hands on the steering wheel as they approached the nursing home.

All four of them looked outside. Early evening had settled over Chicago. Street lights were flickering on. With any luck, Rachel would already be at the opposite side of the building, at the visitor's entrance.

Will was right, it probably was a dumb idea.

"Will, all you have to do is drive the get-away car. Stop complaining," Tori slapped his arm. She got out of the car and Jay followed suit. "We'll be back."

"Next time, I get to play the spy." Will said.

"Bro, there ain't gonna be a _next time_." Jay called back before he slammed the car door. He turned towards Tori and they headed for the building. "How long do we have?"

"Visiting hours are over in 30 minutes. That's when they'll kick me out. Here," she handed the car she'd swiped to Jay. She plastered a smile on her face when they approached the front desk. "We're here to see Sally Andrews. I'm a friend of the family."

"Yes yes, sign in. You've got 25 minutes until visiting hours are up."

Jay kept his head low, to avoid the woman's gaze. He hoped and prayed that he wasn't about to be recognized. Tori signed then handed him the pen. He used a fake name.

"Mrs Andrews is in the E wing, room 423. Take this hallway," she pointed to the right.

"Thank you," Tori said. When they were alone in the hallway, she turned to him. "Don't be late."

"I won't. Have fun."

"Yeah. _Fun._ " Tori frowned. "Sally probably doesn't even remember me. This will be a hoot."

Jay laughed before sneaking into the janitor's closet. The smell of cleaning products burned his nostrils. He flicked the flashlight on his phone and scanned the small room. He found a janitor's uniform hung against the wall. He grimaced, knowing he was gonna have to step into it, no matter how much he didn't want to. He climbed into the overalls and clipped the ID badge he found on the desk on top of the shirt pocket. Then he wheeled the cart out into the hallway.

As he made his way through the building at a small pace, he played the character and whistled like he didn't have anything to do. One of the nurses passed him, stopped before glancing pack and approaching him.

"You're new. Where's Andy?"

He spun, thinking on his feet. "Sick. I'm just filling in for him."

"There's a spill in 304 that needs cleaning, then."

"Okay, I'll go there now."

She waggled a finger. "Get on it _now_."

Well _fuck_. He didn't have time for that right now. But it was either follow her, or raise suspicion. And suspicion was something they definitely didn't need.

Jay whipped the cart around. 304? Where the fuck was 304? He glanced down at the building map. _Damn it_ opposite side of the building.

The nurse pushed the door open as they got there.

"Oh you're in luck," she laughed. "It's just water. This could have been _much_ worse." She nodded at him to mop it up.

Jay grimaced, being thankful it _wasn't_ something worse.

Twenty minutes later and he was back to pushing the cart through the building. He felt the need for a shower, being in this sweaty old uniform. And the fact that he had to do _actual_ cleaning.

He made his way to the business offices and came to another nurse. "I'm here to empty the waste baskets."

She barely looked at him. "Fine. Don't be long. I need to lock up."

"Sure." He went into the room and when he'd finished, moved to the office room.

The door snapped closed behind him. Rachel stood up from where she'd been.

"Where the hell have you been?"

"Side tracked. There was a spillage in one of the resident's rooms. And me being dressed as the janitor and all-"

"Wait, what?" she looked confused.

"I'll explain later. We don't have long." He boosted up to the files. "There's a secretary out there who's itching to get home."

Rachel searched through the file cabinet and flicked through the records. "There's no record of Wilson."

He thought. "Check Halstead."

She closed the drawer and opened another one.

Jay picked out the janitor brush and swept the floor, in a bid to block out the sound of the file cabinet. They couldn't get caught.

"There's nothing here," she whispered.

He looked at her. "Try _Lindsay."_

"Here it is," she choked. "So much for the records being destroyed in the fire." She pulled out a file and flipped it open, scanning the pages.

She took in a sharp breath and it caught his attention. "What is it?"

"Dan's signature is all over these." Rachel kept flipping, her face ghostly pale. "There's a nurse's name on a lot of these. Katherine Kelly."

"Katherine Kelly?" he repeated, moving to the personal files. "There's no file under that name."

"Another office?"

"Yeah, probably." He continued to flip through the drawers.

"Jay, what's Midazolam?"

He looked up. "It's a benzodiazepine." She still looked confused. "A drug used as a hypnotic sedative."

Her eyes went wide. "Sedative? Like for a _coma_?"

"Maybe. If it's combined with a paralytic agent, then definitely."

Rachel swallowed and looked back at the chart. "Like zemuron?"

 _Fuck._ "Yeah."

"What about Laetrile?"

Jay stopped moving. "What did you just say?"

"Laetrile. It's all over my chart."

"That's a cancer drug."

Rachel looked up sharply. "I wasn't sick, was i?

Jay shook his head, a ripple going through his chest.

A rap on the door interrupted them. "Hey, are you done in there? I have to lock up."

"Shit, shit." Rachel ducked behind the desk.

Jay pulled open the door. He tried his best to put on a confident front. "Sure, just gotta get new trash bags." He took his time, making everything was closed and then backed from the room.

The secretary checked her watch. "That took you long enough." She flipped off the light and ushered him through to the main office.

"Goodnight," he offered but she didn't respond.

Jay pushed the cart into the nearest closet and made his way back to the office he'd just left. He knocked and waited until the door opened a crack. He locked the door behind him.

"You check that office, I'll take this one." They split, checking different cabinets.

"I found it," she said after five minutes. "Katherine Kelly was let go almost a year ago. She lives on Marina Drive."

Jay felt sick and nodded. "That's near the pier," exactly where they'd been. He knew the city.

"I can't find anything on Dan."

The sound of keys jangled outside.

"Shit," Jay boosted her towards the window. "Go." Rachel slithered through and Jay followed, trying his best to close the window behind them. He crouched with Rachel in the bushes.

Light shone through the window just after they'd ducked. Jay held his breath, Rachel almost let out a giggle but he put a hand over her mouth. No sound came from in the room but the beam stayed on. After what seemed like a lifetime, the light went off. Then, silence.

"Are you trying to get us caught?" he whispered.

She pulled his fingers from her mouth. "My apologies. I couldn't help myself though, I've never seen you move so fast."

She grinned. _God, he'd missed her smile._ The way her whole face lit up, the way her hazel eyes seemed to sparkle. The way it sent a wave of heat to his stomach. He ached to kiss her. He ached to touch her. An ache to finish what they'd started earlier.

As soon as things were sorted, that's exactly what he planned to do.

"Come on," he grabbed her hand in his protective hold. "We gotta get the hell outta here."

* * *

Tori and Will argued about which way to take them back to the freeway.

Rachel glanced at Jay who was sat next to her in the back of the Jeep. He'd dumped the uniform in the bushes before they'd ran away. Right now, he was studying her chart that she'd taken from the office. There were deep lines across his forehead.

That couldn't be a good sign.

"Oh God, you have the _worst_ direction." Tori mumbled. "You should have turned left there."

"Hey, we passed Gino's on the way over here," Will shot back. "I distinctively remember. Damn woman, let me drive."

"I have to get to my office," Jay interrupted.

"Why?" Rachel asked. The way he was intensely staring at her records set her nerves on edge.

"I gotta look something up. Drop me downtown, and I'll get a cab home."

"Jay, talk to me. What is it?"

He flipped through the papers on his knee. "It looks like you were in a natural coma for quite a long time. After Freddie was born, you were given coma-inducing drugs. Almost as though you were about to come out of it, but somebody didn't want you to."

Her stomach tightened. "What about the other drug? The laetrile?"

Will almost slammed on the breaks. "Laetrile? There's laetrile on your chart? That was in clinical trial about…. About the time you went missing,"

" _What?_ " Rachel's eyes widened.

"Yeah," He pulled over so not to cause a crash. "We pulled it because of serious issues with side effects."

She panicked. Jay's hand brushed against hers. "Hey, don't panic yet. Let me do some research."

Rachel nodded, not having a clue what to think. What to _do_. She rubbed the scar at her temple. She tried to swallow back the fear she felt. It didn't work.

Will drove off and pulled up next to Jay's District. "Me and Tori will grab take-out then meet you back here."

"You don't have to do that," Jay unbuckled his seatbelt and eased from the car. He held the door for Rachel.

"Don't argue with him." Tori spoke. "We'll be back soon."

Rachel had a bad feeling. She ran a hand through her hair as she walked with Jay into his workplace. Somewhere she was once familiar with, but now… not so much. A feeling of dread overcome her and she couldn't ignore it.

"Paul," Jay nodded at the security guard on duty.

"Evening Mr Halstead," the old guy smiled. "You're here late tonight."

"I've got some stuff I need to do," Jay replied. "My brother and a friend will be calling by in a little while, can you let them up when they get here?"

"You got it, Mr Halstead. I saw you on the TV today, if there's anything I can do-"

"I appreciate it, thanks." Jay's hand went to the small of her back, urging her towards the elevator. The smallest touch that was warm and sent tingles all along her spine.

She couldn't deny it any more the connection she felt to him. She didn't know what to do about it or how to deal with it when everything was happening at the same time.

Jay's office was _huge,_ about ten times bigger than her own. A mixture of dark wood and chrome. An entire wall of windows looked out over the Chicago skyline. A small bar was positioned in one corner of the room along with a couple of couches and a coffee table. Jay's humungous desk sat in another corner, a wall of books, medals and certificates along another.

When she moved into the room she felt intimidated. Her office would _actually_ fit into one measly corner of his.

The press conference flashed in front of her eyes. She remembered the look in his eyes as he'd dealt with the reporters. Jay Halstead the big shot Police Detective was nothing like the tender man who'd held her so carefully this afternoon.

"Would you grab us something to drink?" Jay dropped into the chair at his desk and she walked over to the bar. She listened as his fingers quicker tapped at the keyboard, his eyes staring intensely at the computer screen. His silence told her he was so engrossed in whatever he was researching, and she didn't want to disturb him.

Rachel bit back the urge to hover at his shoulder. She poured then each a drink and took them over to his desk.

"Jay, is there a bathroom round here?"

He nodded towards a door, one she'd missed on her initial inspection of the room. "Sure, through there."

She spent time in the luxurious bathroom, a marble counter and a step-in shower coming into her view. There were enough facilities for Jay to _live_ in this place. She splashed water over her face, trying to calm her emotions. When she finally tiptoed back through next door, she found him still at his desk.

This time, his head was cradled in his hands, his elbows propped on his desk. The computer screen flashed with images of Olivia as his screensaver.

Before she even reached him, she could tell he was agitated.

"Jay?"

He grabbed her by the waist without looking up, pulling her in front of him. She was soon sitting on his desk, his knees pressing against hers. He leaned forwards and rested his forehead against her thighs, drawing in deep and rugged breaths.

Something was _wrong_. Whatever Jay had found had got to him so bad that he couldn't look at her. She threaded her shaky fingers through his hair, running her hands down to his shoulders.

"Jay, you're scaring me."

He didn't answer right away, his hands travelling to around her waist. As if he was holding on for dear life.

"What is it?" she whispered.

When he eventually looked up, his face was the picture of heartache. Whatever fear Rachel was feeling quickly turned to panic when she saw the sudden appearance of guilt in his deep green eyes.

She breathed in sharply.

Because she knew, without even asking, that he'd figured he was somehow involved in whatever had happened to her.

 **Please Review!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Ok, hey! A lot of ya'll have left reviews asking about my other stories, of course I haven't forgotten about them! It's just I have a lot of words written for this one, so I thought I'd just upload:)**

 **I'm actually travelling a lot this weekend, so who knows I might be able to write the next chapters for SOTT and IOYDHTLM but I'll see!**

Jay stared at her so long with his guilt-ridden look, she wanted to shake it out of him. "What is it?"

"Laetrile was used in the lab where Will works. It showed promise of shrinking inoperable cancer. But they stopped the clinical trials when massive side effects started showing up. It wasn't safe-"

"I know Jay, Will said that in the car." She reminded him.

"Yeah, but I just remembered those side effects…"

She gulped. "Why do I have a feeling I don't wanna hear this?"

He swallowed too and glanced down her body. "I had a conversation with Will when he was first working on it. After the initial tests of it, Laetrile looked like it was going to work." Jay tightened his grip on her hips, pulling her slightly off the desk and further towards him. "Minor side effects were things like rashes, he told me… You know, nothing _too_ serious. But then there were some severe cases, ones that caused Will and his company to pull it." He bit his lip. "These effects were common in participants with brain or spine cancer…. Changes in personality or… Memory loss."

Oh, _shit._

He exhaled a shaky breath. "When the patients in the clinical trials started reporting forgetting things, they backed away from the drug. Luckily, most of them didn't have long-lasting effects."

"But why would I have been given that? You said I wasn't sick."

"You weren't. I don't quite know what's going on but-" He hesitated.

"But what?" She couldn't disguise the rising panic in her voice. "And what does this have to do with you?" She noticed he hadn't brought his eyes back up to her own. "Jay?"

He backed away and sat back in his chair. He ran a sweaty palm over his face. "Have a look on my computer screen and tell me if you recognize that man."

Confused, she ran her fingers over the keyboard. His screensaver disappeared and another familiar face popped up. "Oh my God."

"I'll take that as a yes?"

"Why do you have Dan's picture?"

"That's Dr Daniel McMorrison. He developed Laetrile. He was heading all of the clinical trials."

 _No._ Rachel turned to the screen then looked away. Nope. Not possible. Words caught in her throat. This _wasn't_ happening.

She jumped from the des, pacing at the window. Jay pushed himself out of his chair and reached for her.

"No you don't. Don't close in on me right now. Stay with me."

"You can't- you're _wrong_. There's a different explanation. There has to be."

"Hey-"

"What, so you're telling me he did this to me on purpose?" How could the guy she'd lived with for so long, the guy who she'd trusted with her son, how could he have done something to intentionally hurt her?

"I don't know that, yet. This doesn't make sense to me either, but I promise you we're going to figure it out." He pulled her into his arms before she could back away.

She let him hold her, but she couldn't peel her eyes from his computer screen. Dan's face staring back at her. Memories she had of him flashed in front of her face- or memories she _thought_ had happened. Had he just filled her head with a bunch of crap? A shudder ran through her and she tried to wriggle free, but Jay held her tight.

"Hey, you're alright," he said quietly. "I've got you." She continued to struggle but didn't have the energy to fight when he wasn't going to let go. Eventually, she sank into him while emotions ran around her body.

How could she have been so _wrong_? How could she not have seen what Dan was underneath? Had she been blind, or had she not studied his character hard enough? Whatever it was, she blamed nobody but herself right now.

Jay ran a hand through her curls, his lips repeating his reassurances in her ear. But none of his words were registering in her mind.

"You… you said his name was McMorrison."

He nodded against her hair, not loosening his grip. "Yes. Daniel McMorrison. His family…" She heard him take a breath. "His family used to operate McMorrison Publishing for a long, long time."

She felt sick, this time she could actually feel the bile rising in her throat. "The… the publishers?" So Matt _hadn't_ offered her the job for nothing. Was he involved in this mess too? "He always said he never wanted me to work." She swallowed. "He knew at some point I'd end up working for McMorrison Publishing."

"Yeah, I thought of that. I… I don't want you going in to work tomorrow."

"Jay-"

"No, listen to me." Jay willed his body backwards and looked at her, his fingers gripping her shoulders. "This is bigger than we thought. _Millions_ of dollars were put into Laetrile. People were _pissed_ when it was pulled. The… your chart says you had it way after it was pulled. Somebody was testing it, it was either because they planned to sell it or they were trying to get around us. Either way, you trying to figure out what happened won't go down well with whoever is behind this."

She didn't want to believe what he was implying. "I thought Dan was behind this?"

"I don't think he was acting alone. I don't think he could have. Obviously people at the nursing home knew. Somebody at the publishers knew."

"But what does this have to do with _you_?"

"Daniel's temper got the better of him when the drug got pulled. The trials were all at Will's work place, even though he never saw him. But on one of his visits there, when they argued against Laetrile, things got out of hand. CPD ended up getting called there, to cool things down."

"So you knew him?" she asked quietly.

"I met him then, but I didn't know him well."

Her eyes closed. They'd _met._ They'd _talked_. Her being with Dan _wasn't_ a coincidence.

Jay's hold on her got tighter. "We'll get to the bottom of this. But, you gotta be careful. Your face is gonna be all over the papers. People will know you're still alive."

 _Another thing to worry about_. "That hadn't really crossed my mind."

"Also," he said. "I wanna take you to a doctor tomorrow."

She tucked curls behind her ear. "I'm _fine_."

"Don't even argue with me on this." The tone of his voice told her to not even try. "Laetrile wasn't tested long-term. We have no idea what the long-term effects could be."

"I had a brain scan just before I came back here. It came back normal."

"But it was done by a doctor in New York, right?"

"Yup," her stomach rolled. "You don't think he's involved too, do you?"

"I don't know. But I don't want to take any chances."

"Oh _God_ ," she muttered and sank back into him. Things were getting worse. Every new clue, every new bit of information, she couldn't believe what she'd dragged them all into.

Jay laid his head on hers, his cheek touching her hair. "I'm not going to let anything happen to you."

She believed him. The way he was holding her made her want to forget everything they'd found and just be with him. Closing her eyes, she pressed a cheek into his chest and held him just as tight as he held her.

The way she could hear his heart, it reminded her she was _alive_. In the quiet of his office, she could almost imagine what life with him had been like. What he'd been like before, before losing Erin. He'd been happy. He'd been whole. He'd been a man who would move heaven and earth for the woman he was in love with.

Neither of them were the same people they'd once been. And even though she wanted to lean on him and let him protect her, there was still so much she didn't know. About what had happened to her. About _him_. About how all of this (him included) was connected.

Only the truth was going to set her free. She vowed not to let this break her, she couldn't let it. She'd already come so far. The only thing she could do now was search for the answers that were out there somewhere. Wherever that fucking somewhere was.

* * *

"This shit just keeps getting more fucked up," Will stood at the bar in Jay's office. He ran a hand slowly through his curls.

"Tell me about it." Jay took out four glasses and poured four drinks. He looked over towards Rachel and Simone, sitting on the floor near the windows and quietly talking. Rachel had put on a brave face when they'd been joined by the others, but he didn't miss the way her hands trembled when she reached for a drink or Chinese take-out Will and Tori had brought back. "She's so fucking stubborn so she won't come back to my place, but I don't want her to be alone all the way out at her house."

"You really think somebody would go after her?" his brother questioned.

"Well considering the press conference this morning, her face is _all_ over the media. Plus, she's been snooping out that nursing home for God knows how long. When she first got here, somebody saw her and wouldn't let her in. Said her files burnt down in the fire, which _obviously_ they didn't," He motioned to her file on his desk. "She's had a rough day, and I didn't exactly tell her everything."

"Why does that last statement of yours put me on edge?"

He lowered his voice so the girls couldn't hear. "Daniel McMorrison was pissed when you guys pulled his drug. Of course, he'd invested a good deal of money into it. I remember calling him out for being an asshole to you guys, but he showed up here and almost had my head off when he found out it was partly our idea to bag it. _Mostly_ our idea. Then he said he'd find a way to get it approved anyway, and there was nothing I could do to stop him. I thought whatever- he's a moron and he's not going to get anywhere. Will," he leaned forwards towards his brother. "Two weeks later, Erin was gone."

"Fuck,"

"Oh, you'll be thrilled to know there's more. I heard that somewhere in Vancouver, there were clinical studies with a similar drug to Laetrile. Drugs are easier to slip under the radar-"

"Wait, you think he was testing it on his own? After we told him we were dropping it?"

Jay felt a wave of nausea hit him. "I don't know. But that's what I'm thinking. I think maybe he was using the nursing home as his testing facility, then exporting whatever to a Canadian company. We need to find the nurse who's listed on Er- on her chart."

"Rachel's chart, bro." Will raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah," he ignored him. "Maybe she knows something, something about who McMorrison was working with on this."

"Are you two done with the whispering?" Tori walked over with an empty wine glass. Jay turned to see her, noticing that Rachel was no longer in the room. _She's gone to the bathroom_ he thought.

"Yeah, we're done," Jay replied. He folded his arms at his chest. "Any chance you can stay with Er- _Rachel_ tonight? I don't want her at the house by herself."

"I…uh, sure. Is she gonna go for that though? She's not gonna think you're being paranoid?"

"I'll ask her then." Jay stated.

"Ask me what?" She moved towards them, fresh from the bathroom.

Will laughed, leaning back on the bar. "Sleeping arrangements, Rachel. You can have me, Tori or Jay."

Her gaze shifted between the three of them and it didn't take her two seconds to figure they were being serious. "I'm a big girl. I can take care of myself."

"Rachel," Tori cut in. "You've had a super stressful day. Humor us for tonight, none of us want you to be alone."

"I have Fre-"

"He's with Izzy and Olivia. You don't know the girl but damn, Jay couldn't have picked anybody better for his Second in Command. She's a hit with kids, too."

Rachel bit her lip. "Fine," she finally said. "You win. I haven't got the energy to fight about this tonight. But," her gaze shifted to Tori. "If this is as bad as we think, it's not smart for _any_ of us to be alone. Especially you, Tori. Now the world knows you're my lawyer, that you're the one who recognized me first."

"Rachel-" Tori started.

"I'd feel better knowing you're not alone either. I don't want it to be my fault if anybody gets hurt."

"Rachel, I'm not-"

"Hey, you can't argue with the woman when she's speaking sense. She's always been a smart cookie."

Tori frowned and folded her arms on her chest. But in reality, she was as freaked about this as the rest of them. And some company tonight _would_ make her feel safer. She knew Will would have something to say. "This doesn't mean I've changed my mind about anything, Will."

" _Yet_ ," Will replied with a smirk.

Jay wanted to chuckle, but the situation was anything but funny. Then he realized what it meant.

"I guess that leaves you and me," she said. "We should pick up the kids. My place or yours?"

* * *

Jay was the last in the door, tossing his keys on the entry table and closing the door behind them.

"A sleepover? I never had a sleepover before, Momma!" Freddie clapped. "Where do I get to sleep?"

"Olivia, you wanna show your brother where he's gonna be sleeping tonight?" Jay asked, his eyebrows raised. He wasn't exactly sure how Liv was going to react.

He needn't have worried. "Sure, Dad." Olivia smiled and led Freddie's small hand upstairs. It impressed Jay that she was already turned into the protective older sister. If only she'd warmed this much to her Mom….

Rachel wandered into his lounge without saying anything and stopped in front of the fire-place. A series of photographs of their life together still sat against the wood. Their wedding photo, the day they'd brought Olivia home from the hospital, a picture of the two of them on an adventure somewhere.

He looked at her. What did she think when she looked at those pictures? Did she feel anything? Guilt came over him as he watched her study from photo to photo, guilt for not looking at her when he should have. Guilt for what was happening now. Guilt that something had happened to her five years ago, and it was possibly because of him.

H ran a hand through his hair, knowing feeling guilty wasn't going to change anything. The only thing that mattered now was that she was here, and he could keep her safe. "Are you tired?"

She turned towards him. The moonlight spilled through the bay window, illuminating her features. Not that he needed her to be illuminated to know that she was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. Those mesmorizing hazel eyes, the high(er than usual) cheekbones, the mess of curly hair that fell to her shoulders and which he just urged to drag his fingers through. "I'm exhausted."

He wanted to pick her up and carry her to bed. He wanted to hear her say his name in that sleepy tone, like she had a lot of times before. Wanted to wrap her in his arms, slide inside her body and block out the rest of the fucking world.

But he knew he couldn't. She still wasn't a hundred percent sure of him. He'd been a jack-ass when he'd first found out who she was, and now they both knew he was indirectly responsible for her accident. Or at least partly. He didn't want to- he couldn't- push her. As much as he needed to touch her, he wanted her to want him back.

"This way," he gestured for her to follow. "I'll show you to the guest room."

Jay picked up her bag- the one they'd driven to her house for- and headed up the stairs. He could hear two small voices coming from Olivia's room, reassuring him about the children. He listened to her feet shuffling behind his, the perfume she still continued to wear drifting past his nose.

He hardened at just the thought of her lying in a bed down the hallway from him, she was so close. So completely _alive_.

Yep, cold shower. That's what he needed. Maybe two. Probably ten.

Jay pushed the guest room door ajar, and she eased past him taking in the view of the room.

"This is nice," she said, turning in a slow circle to look at the walls and décor.

Nice wasn't exactly the word coming to his mind. In a pair of jeans and fitted shirt, she looked amazing. When she turned, the shape of her breasts tempted not only his body but his control. He'd had his hands on them earlier today, wanted his lips there now-

"Jay?"

He glanced up and noticed her curious expression. "Sorry. It's uh, been a long day."

"I guess it has."

He put down her bag on the bed and moved to the door, flicking the light switch. He tried to stop watching every little move she made. Couldn't. "The bathroom is through here."

"Did I live here _before_?"

The question caught him off guard. What exactly would it be like to not remember who or what you were? Having to rely on others to slot the events of your life into place? For the first time since she'd reappeared in his life, he realized how difficult this must be for her.

"No. I bought this house four years ago."

"Oh," she nodded.

She moved towards the bed and ran a hand across the light comforter at the foot of it.

"Where did we live before?"

"We had a different place in the city. After you…left…. I couldn't stand being there by myself."

Okay, that was partly true. The _real_ truth was that he hadn't been able to step foot into a single room without remembering her being there. Being there with him, smiling at him, making love to him. Being in that house without her had almost been the end of him.

"Oh," she said again. She breathed out and looked down.

Apparently talking about the past wasn't putting her at ease. He didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable. Jay went into the bathroom and pulled towels from the linen closet, placing them on the vanity for her. When he went back into the bedroom, she was already going through the contents of her bag.

"I'll let you get some rest." He said softly.

"Jay?"

He stopped at the door, turned back. "Yeah?"

"I'm sorry."

"What on earth are you sorry for?"

"This.. all of this.. I feel like I'm putting you out."

He shook his head. "You're not."

She nodded. "Yes, I am. I'm sorry about _all_ of this. I should never have come back to Chicago. I didn't stop to think about how this was going to affect anybody else but me. I have sucked _you_ into this. I've caused nothing but confusion for Olivia. And now I've put Will and Tori and you in danger."

"You haven't done anything wrong."

"I did. I told myself I had to know the truth. Now…" She threw her arms into a shrug before dropping them back to her sides. "Now I'm not so sure I want to know. Maybe it would be better if-" She sniffed. "If I just left."

His stomach twisted into a knot. Panic trickled into his chest. He knew he wouldn't survive if she walked out on him now. Losing her the first time had broken him. A second time was sure to kill him.

As she flopped onto the bed, he knelt in front of her. He clasped a palm on her thigh. "You can't leave now."

"You can't possible tell me any of this is what you want." She said quietly.

"Hey, I don't want this mess, I agree. But in the most insane way, it brought you back to us. I wouldn't change it for anything. Walking away from me and the kids isn't going to do anything good. It'll make things worse."

"You're right." Her eyes closed gently. "I'm just tired and not thinking clearly. I think I need some rest."

He didn't want to break their connection, but knew she needed rest. Reluctantly, he pushed himself to his feet. "Okay. I guess I'll see you in the morning."

"Thanks, Jay."

He pulled the bedroom door closed behind him, before gripping onto the doorframe for support. Alone in the empty hall, he closed his eyes and rested his head against the door. _Everything_ he'd ever wanted was in that room, and he didn't exactly know how to get it. Each step he took seemed to push her back a little, further away instead of closer. Was he fooling himself into thinking he could ever win her back?

He hoped to hell that he wasn't. He knew for certain he'd never survive losing her again.

* * *

Water dripped down Rachel's skin. Bubbles and lather slid down to create a pool at her feet. She closed her eyes and drew in the soapy scene, the same one she'd smelt on Jay's skin.

She turned her face under the spray of the shower in the guest bathroom. After a rather sleepless night, she felt even more exhausted than she'd felt yesterday. If that was even possible.

Had he slept in the guest bed recently? She certainly thought so, all she could smell on the pillows was his scent.

He'd said he'd wanted her, that he had been dying to touch her.

But that was before they'd discovered the records at the nursing home, before they'd realized what this was all about. Since then, he'd been gentle but a little off: almost as though he was afraid to get too close. That's the way she read his body language anyway.

As her fingers roamed her body, shards of desire rocketed through her. For some ridiculous and crazy reason, she didn't _want_ him to back off. What she wanted was his hands on her, like they'd been before. The feel of his mouth devouring hers, to feel him deep inside her body. The ache grew to fiery levels as she imagined him accompanying her in the shower, tracing the lines of his body with her fingers. Her tongue.

He was _just_ down the hall. All she had to do was go to him, ask him to touch her. She was shaking with need. Rachel pressed both hands against the wall of the shower and gulped in air. Technically he was her husband, wasn't he? Surely this wasn't asking too much.

But, the kids. They were a distraction. Last night had been a late one for Freddie, but there was no way he would still be sleeping. And Olivia? If she really had her head screwed on as much as Rachel thought, she'd probably guess what her Mom was on her way to do. _Ew, gross_ she thought _that doesn't even bare thinking about._

Would wild sex solve any of her problems? Would it make her remember the life she shared with him five years ago? Would it make him see her as Rachel?

She hadn't missed the fact that he hadn't called her that yet. That he'd avoided saying her name altogether.

The sharp knock on the bathroom door brought her back to reality. She flipped off the water. "Um, just a minute."

"The coffee's done," Jay said through a closed door. "Breakfast is almost done too."

He was _literally_ on the other side of the door, in the bedroom she was staying in. She only had to turn the lock and he could be with her right now.

She shook as she stepped out of the shower and grabbed one of his plush white towels. As she wrapped it around her body, her breasts tingled and warmth pooled at her abdomen. Breathing deeply, she forced herself to relax. "I'll be down in a minute."

"Do you need anything?"

 _You_.

"I think I'm good."

"Okay. Don't take too long, your breakfast will go cold."

When his footsteps were distant, she dropped to sit on the closed toilet seat. She was _screwed._

She put her morning thoughts to the back of her mind, slipping on clothes she'd packed in the bag: a pair of jeans and a T-shirt. She brushed on a little make-up, hoping it would hide the more than tired look on her face.

She made her way into the kitchen and found him standing at the stove. The fire inside her built again as she watched him.

Clearing her throat, she stepped through the door. "I didn't know you cooked."

He laughed. "The kids are in the lounge. I gave Freddie toast. Coffee is on the table," He gestured with the spatula in his hand.

She poured herself a steamy cup and drew in a deep whiff of it before raising the cup to her lips. She prayed it was about to settle the impossible hunger inside her. But something told her that hunger was only going to go away one way.

She turned and leaned against one of his kitchen counters, eyeing him as she slaved at the cooker. Not for the first time, she was awed at how attractive he was. His shoulders, the upper muscles, she couldn't take her eyes off him. She'd felt that body pressed up against her yesterday. If they hadn't been interrupted, she would know what every inch of him felt and looked like.

Fire flared in her veins. She was losing it.

She needed to remember what was _important_. Finding answers. Not wild, erotic X-rated sex with the guy in front of her.

"This is wonderful," she sipped the caffeine. _Wonderful? A comment about fucking coffee? Out of everything you could say?_

He flipped off the burner and crossed to where she stood. She looked up in confusion as he plucked the cup from her grip. There was something dark lingering in his eyes. Something dangerous and something _hot_.

He all but threw her coffee onto the table and slid a hand to the nape of her neck. He pulled her to him and drowned her mouth with his own.

Her legs almost went from underneath her. She dug fingers into his shirt and held on for life, opening her mouth to his and drawing his tongue inside. She returned his kiss with everything she had in her.

 _Yes, finally_.

His taste was a mixture between mint and coffee, smelling like the soap she'd just washed herself with and feeling like pure heaven. Her blood pumped hot around her body as his hands slid to her waist, drawing her closer. When his hips pressed against her, she felt his length already eager for her.

"I couldn't sleep last night," he murmured. Jay tipped her head with one hand to kiss her deeper, using the other to draw up her shirt so he could touch her beneath her bra. He squeezed just hard enough to make a gasp escape her throat. "All I could think about was you in that bed,"

The news thrilled her. Exhilarated her. She kissed him harder.

He groaned, kissing her again and again. "You're so beautiful," he whispered. Hotness swirled her belly as he palmed one of her breasts, lowering his head and allowing himself access to her nipple.

Pleasure pulsed in her pelvis. She dropped her head, threaded her fingers in his hair and leaned back against his cabinets.

If he touched between her legs, she knew she'd come. Every nerve ending in her body was alive and on _fire_.

"Jay," she managed as his mouth continued its path down her body. "I need this."

His head came up. His hair was a mess from her fingers, but his eyes were filled with the same hunger that was currently devouring her. He pulled her away from the counter and moved his hands to her hips.

"The kids are watching a movie, come to bed with me."

"Yes," she groaned, wrapping her arms around his neck.

He lifted her feet from the floor. He was close, but not close enough. She tried to wrap her body around his.

The front door opened, familiar soundwaves from Tori and the older Halstead filling the hallway. Rachel stilled in Jay's arms. Hearing her uncle's tones, Olivia ran into the scene.

Jay tightened his arms around her waist and dropped his head to her shoulder. A strangled groan resonated from his chest, one that managed to vibrate his whole body. Though she tried to stop it, Rachel laughed at him.

"Fuck Tori and fuck her stupid timing. _Twice_ ," he whispered, only loud enough for her to hear. "This isn't even funny."

"I know. I'm sorry." Her back hit the wall where the stairs were.

"I think your lawyer has a hard-on radar." It earned him another laugh. "Hey, that's not funny either."

"Morning!" Voices from the hallway called out.

"We're in here," Rachel said. _Well she had to be polite_.

They were soon joined by everybody else. It was the first time Freddie had been her this morning.

"Momma!"

She eased quickly from Jay's arms and dropped her knees to gather her son in a bear hug.

Jay moved behind the island counter to hide, she knew, what was still a large erection. _She'd done that_. She glanced over Freddie's head and saw Jay watching them.

The heart that had only just started to warm to him took a tumble, when she recognized the emotion resonating in his green eyes.

Love. For a son he hadn't know. For a wife that wasn't _her._

Her stomach dropped. Fear brewed inside her as thought the fire between them was only physical. She'd never be the woman he remembered. With how fast she was falling for him, she didn't think she could take it when he came to realize that himself.

"Morning campers!" Will wandered into the kitchen, laden with a carry-out. "Anybody want breakfast?"

"You as-" He paused when he remembered little ears. "I just cooked for nothing?"

"Sorry Dad, Uncle Will wins" Olivia laughed, setting herself at the table. "What did you get us?"

"Oh boy, what didn't I get you?" He started to unpack the food onto the table. He noticed his nephew staring wide-eyed. "Hey Freddo, you wanna help?"

The little boy nodded and climbed up one of the chairs.

It didn't go unnoticed by Rachel that Olivia was still to say a sentence to her. No matter what happened between her and Jay, she had to be there for her daughter. Even if it was about to take a while for her to talk to her.

"So me and E- we have to run some errands this morning. Would you guys be okay watching these two?" Jay spoke, looking at his brother.

"Sure," Tori nudged Freddie's cheek with one of her fingers and smiled at Olivia.

"A day with Uncle Will," Olivia spoke. "And you're his new girlfriend?"

"No-I'm … uh, a friend." She gulped. Though the color change in her cheeks told a different story.

Olivia turned and looked at her parents, noticing how close they were standing to each other. She was still warming to the idea of Rachel. "Actually, I'm not hungry anymore. I..uh I'm going to my room."

Rachel bit her lip whilst Jay sighed.

"I'll go talk to her," He reached out and squeezed Rachel's arm.

Jay rubbed a hand over his chest as he walked up the stairs. In the midst of their hot make-out, Erin had said she _needed_ him and it had sucked the air from his lungs. But seeing her hold his son in an embrace had nearly brought him to his knees.

He wanted his family back. He wanted the happiness they'd all missed out on. But mostly, he wanted her in his life permanently. Wanting to see her smile in the morning, cuddle with her and Olivia and Freddie. And he wanted her to tell him again and again how much she needed him. That she wanted him.

He didn't care that she didn't remember what they'd once had. What was happening now between them… it was hotter than anything they'd had before.

Jay came to a stop outside Olivia's bedroom and gathered himself. After a few seconds he knocked on the door.

She didn't answer but he knew she was in there. He turned the door-handle and pushed it open with his shoulder.

His daughter was sitting on her beanbag, staring out into the backyard. Her arms were across her chest and her brow was furrowed as she stared intently at the trees. If he was honest, Olivia had been his rock after Erin's death. She'd been the only thing to keep him going. He ached with the knowledge that whilst he'd been given a second chance, she wasn't seeing it that way.

"Do you want to talk about it, or do you want to stay in a mood?"

"I want to stay in a mood."

"Well, I want to talk about it." He nudged her.

She continued to stare out of the window. "I don't know her."

Jay massaged his forehead. "I know. But I don't know what I can do to make it easier. You have to get to know her, babe. The rest of us are trying."

Then her eyes darted from the trees to his. "But I don't understand. She's not the _same_. Why can't you see that?"

"She is the same, deep down. You have to let her show you."

"I feel like she might mess everything up, what if she leaves me again?" She jumped from where she was sitting and turned her back on him. "I don't want that to happen to us again, Daddy."

"Livi," He pulled her arm and cuddled her close. "That's not going to happen. I promise."

But how could he be sure, for real? Erin had all but told him last night she wanted to leave and forget the whole mess. He couldn't make her stay, not if she didn't want to. He was sure gonna put up a damn fight though, that was a fact.

"I love you, Liv. And I'm not going to let you get hurt again, okay?"

She sniffed. "Why do you have to date her? Why can't you just be friends, Dad?"

"Because I love her, babe." He spoke softly into her hair. "I have for a very long time, since way before you were born. That doesn't stop just all of a sudden. It doesn't stop because time goes on. It's always there."

"But you don't love her. You love Mom."

He leaned back to look at her. She was _so_ much like Erin. The same eyes, the same chin. The same dimple, and Freddie had that too. Same sodding stubborn nature. "She is Mom, Liv."

"Okay," she finally nodded. "But I need time, Dad."

It was a start.

"Okay, so are we alright here? Are you out of your grump?" He smoothed her hair.

"I guess so."

She was lying because he could see it in her eyes. But he wanted to believe her words so he could stay sane. "Good. Now will you come and eat some food? Uncle Will might eat it all, and we'll never hear the end of it."

She nodded and went before him back down the stairs. As he followed and heard laughter coming from the kitchen for the first time in a long long time, he had hope.

 **Please Review!**


	8. Chapter 8

Large grey clouds hung over the city, the threat of rain in the air. A thin layer of fog settled near the ground, a swiftly breeze blowing leaves from the trees. If the weather was a representation of what lay ahead, Rachel didn't want to keep searching for her answers.

They'd started later than she would have liked to. After he'd retrieved her purse and laptop from the attic where he'd stored them after her accident, Jay had left for an hour to deal with something at work. Seeing her old possessions didn't do anything for Rachel's memory but she hadn't expected anything to come of it. Still, she found it weird to look at something that had once been hers. And feel _nothing_.

Shaking off the uneasy feeling the possessions brought her, she'd arranged for time off work. It probably wasn't a good impression, given that she'd only been there for a few weeks, but Jay was right: she didn't quite know who was involved in this mess yet. Jay had insisted that she call her office, and Matt's secretary hadn't sounds too pleased about her request. To give it to him, Jay made sense with this one: she didn't want to go back, at least not until she found out who from the publishers had been involved with her disappearance.

Once they were finally headed out in Jay's car, she checked addresses as they drove the road next to the pier. The car bounced over bumps on Marina Drive, causing her to shift about in the leather seat. Jay's flash car stuck out like a sore thumb in the area they looked for Katherine Kelly's home, shiny and black unlike the rusted pick-ups and compacts parked in most of the driveways.

When she glanced sideways at him in the driver's seat, she was reminded of his success. There were moments she forgot that he was practically a celebrity for all the police work he'd done. When they were together, he was just a regular guy. He didn't live like a man who make a fortune, didn't act like he could buy and sell you at the drop of a hat.

But then there were moments when she'd hear him on the phone with an associate, and she'd remember just how powerful he really was.

Her conversation with Jay from the night before ran through her mind. He'd _known_ Dan. Regardless of what he'd told her, she had a sneaking feeling that perhaps he wasn't being totally honest.

"I think this is it." Jay's voice cut through her thoughts.

"It's a house-boat?" she frowned. She'd fully expected a house.

Jay pulled his car into a space and killed the engine. He shifted position to get a better view. "Looks like nobody's home."

"Just our luck," she huffed.

He opened the car door anyway. "There's no harm in looking."

They walked towards the pier, the dock rocked gently underneath her feet. She dug her fingernails into her palms as she walked, feeling slightly uneasy.

"What's the matter?" he asked.

"Not crazy about boats," she uttered back.

"Since when?" He spun back to look at her.

"Since _forever_."

"Boats never bothered you before. You used to spend hours on the one we owned-"

"We have a boat?!"

"Used to. I, uh, sold it a few years back."

Weird. She couldn't imagine ever wanting to be aboard a sea-sickness machine. _Just one more thing to prove she wasn't the woman he remembered._

When they reached it, she lifted a hand and knocked. Nobody answered, so she knocked again.

Jay spun a 360 before taking a step forward. "Wait here. I'll be right back."

"Where are you going?"

"I'm just… checking something out."

 _Great_. She hated not being kept in the loop. Hated it even more that she was standing on a fucking boat, of all places. She looked out towards the dirty water and felt her stomach drop. Why _anybody_ would wanna live on a boat was beyond her.

He disappearance and a couple of seconds later the door in front of her swung open. Jay appeared in her view.

Her eyes widened. "What are you doing?"

"Come on," He pulled her into the house. "Rear door was unlocked."

"Jay, this is breaking and entering!" She said when the door was closed behind her.

"You didn't have a problem with it the other night. Plus, I'm a cop. _The_ cop. I can swing some story that she raised suspicion, if we get caught."

"The other night was different. This feels like… we're invading somebody's privacy."

He laughed. "Don't you dare grow a conscience on me right now. Come on, look around. See if anything jumps out at you. I'll check the upper level."

Jay disappeared up a flight of steps. She frowned before looking around the home. Gossip magazines lay scattered on a coffee table. An empty mug accompanied them.

She looked into the kitchen. Papers littered the counter. A half-eaten bagel sat on a plate. Moving towards the counter, she ran the tips of her fingers against the coffee pot. Still _warm_. The light was blinking, telling her the machine was still on. Either Katherine Kelly had left in a hurry or she wasn't too fussed about burning out the inside of her boat.

Rachel flipped through the papers on the counter. Bills, receipts, more gossip magazines. The woman clearly had some sort of shopping addiction, or something. Rachel continued to search, hoping to find _anything_ that could like Ms. Kelly to the nightmare that had become her life.

Nothing was really gripping her attention. She scanned the room again. On the opposite counter, lay a newspaper. She moved towards it and flipped it over. Drew in a breath.

The front page had a huge photo of her and Jay at the press conference. The photographer had captured a moment when she was answering a question, and Jay was glancing in her direction. There was a gentle expression on his face.

But what caused Rachel to stare wasn't the picture on his face, but the thick red circle of marker that had been drawn around her face.

The squeaky floorboards overhead caught her attention. Taking the paper with her, she headed in the direction Jay had gone.

The second floor of the boathouse had one large bedroom, divided into a sleeping area and a small office. Along one wall a desk and computers. More papers. A lamp hanging from the wall.

Jay looked up from the stack of papers he was flicking through when he heard her. "Katherine Kelly left in a hurry."

"Yeah, I feel that." A sense of dread filled her. "Her coffee machine is still warm.."

"Did you find anything?" he asked.

"Just this," she unfolded the paper and showed him their image.

He stared at it. She couldn't read his expression.

"What about you?" she asked, hoping he'd had some luck.

"Not a great deal," He lifted a tore sheet of paper and handed it to her. "Do you recognize any of the names on here?"

"Mine," she gulped. "My name's on there."

"I know."

There were another twelve names on the sheet, over half of which were crossed out in red.

"What is it?" she asked quietly.

"I haven't got a clue. But I think we need to start checking out the other names on that list, and find Katherine fucking Kelly and figure out what the _hell_ is going on."

* * *

She did _not_ want to be here. _Anywhere_ but here.

Being shoved into the machines whilst strapped to the all-too-familiar table wasn't Rachel's idea of fun. She gritted her teeth together and took calming breaths. She'd much rather be out making phone calls with Jay than having the stupid CT scan he'd insisted she have.

This test was taking far too long. Didn't she realize she'd had plenty of these before?

The machine buzzed and then the table retracted. _Thank God._

Jay was waiting for her in the reception area when she was finished. His head was low and he was rubbing his temples. He hadn't looked that worried when she'd gone in.

"Jay?"

When he glanced up, the worry lines disappeared from his handsome face. He smiled at her, although it was one that didn't reach his eyes. "All done?"

"Yeah. She said to come back in an hour."

He rose from where he was sitting. "Okay, we can get something to eat while we wait." He put a hand to the small of her back and led her towards the elevator.

She settled into the dimly lit booth in the pub a block from the hospital. After their orders were taken she turned to him.

"What did you find out?"

His arms were folded on the table. "Nothing."

 _Liar._ He was lying, she could feel it. "Come on Jay, don't hold this back from me."

"How do you feel about a vacation? We could take the children and go somewhere for a while, use the time to let Freddie get to know his sister-"

"Will said you _never_ take vacations, Jay. You're starting to worry me. What's going on?"

He finally pulled out the torn sheet he'd found in the boathouse. He pushed it across the table to her. "All of the people crossed out on this list are dead."

"What?!"

Jay looked distressed when he pointed at the names. "All from different things. Heart attack, car accident, one even drowned."

Four names were still not crossed out, including hers. "What about the others?"

"I tried to find the top two. But I didn't have any luck. The last one before yours, Amelia Bennet, - I mean, it's a common name. I didn't have time to search for her."

Her brow wrinkled. Why did that name sound familiar? She shook it from her thoughts.

Their food was served and she pushed the paper to the side. The last thing she felt like doing was eating, but she ate some fries anyway.

Jay reached across the table and squeezed her hand. When she looked at him, there was definitely worry in his eyes. "It doesn't mean anything," he said. "It could just be a coincidence."

"It's not and you know it." She smiled sadly. "You think those people were in the nursing home as well, don't you?"

He sat back. "Where did you get that idea?"

"Come on, I'm not stupid." She would have laughed if the situation wasn't so serious. "Do you think Dan was doing his own research? Testing it for himself?

"That's a theory."

She glanced down at the sheet of paper again. "And you think these people were his test subjects. You think Katherine Kelly knew about them and knew what was happening?"

"I really don't know. Maybe. It doesn't explain why they're all dead, though."

"It might, if somebody is trying to cover up his evidence. What he was doing is illegal, right?"

"Absolutely," he blew out a breath.

"And," she continued. "Until I showed up, nobody really knew anything about it."

"I didn't say that."

She narrowed her eyes at him. "But you're thinking it."

"What I'm thinking is I'm hungry. Come on, it's been a long morning. _You_ need to eat so we can get back to the hospital for your results."

Rachel eyed the food on her plate. Why had she ever thought finding answers would make a difference? All she wanted to do right now was turn back the clock and forget about what they'd already found.

He pulled her hand into his again. "Don't," he said softly, somehow knowing her brain was in overdrive. "We'll take this one step at a time, okay?"

She nodded and bit into a chicken strip, at the same time trying to swallow the fear as it rose up her insides.

* * *

Rachel stared at the buildings outside of the doctor's office, folding her arms across her chest. The afternoon sunlight shone in through the window, warming the room. Jay was sat opposite the doctor's chair, waiting for him to come into the room. She couldn't sit still so she'd walked to the window and now was staring.

It felt like they'd been waiting hours. And waiting was the only thing she'd done in the past few days.

Jay stood when the doctor entered, shook his hand. Rachel joined them both at the desk.

"Well," the doctor started. "Let me start by saying we got all we needed from you." If it was his bid to make her feel better, it didn't. He pulled up her brain scan on his computer and swung the screen so they could see.

He tapped at it. "This is the area we're most concerned with. It appears your injury happened to this section of the brain, where memory and personality develop. My guess is hematoma of some sort…"

"Not a tumor?" Jay asked. His hand slid along to her knee and gripped.

"Nope, there's no indication of one. There's definite damage to the skull, which does indicate an accident or trauma of some sort."

This didn't make any _sense._ Rachel rubbed at her scar. Why would she have been given a cancer drug if she wasn't sick in the first place?

"Your memory loss is a tough one," the doctor continued. "If this part of your brain suffered major impact, it might be the reason for your amnesia now. Most amnesiacs remember something. Your case is pretty unique."

 _Unique? Not the term she'd go for._

"What about Laetrile?" Jay questioned.

"As you know, I can't speak about that until we know more. It's possible that if it was administered whilst you were in a coma, it might have amplified your memory loss from the accident." He flipped through her chart. "It looks like you weren't given Laetrile for at least six months after your accident."

"I was pregnant."

"Well at least somebody had the sense not to give you it at that time. There's no telling what an experimental drug like that would do to a baby. Your child doesn't show any symptoms?"

"No." she replied.

"I wanna have Freddie tested, just to be safe." Jay said, glancing in her direction. When she nodded, he looked back to the doctor. "What are the chances of her getting memories back?"

"At this point? There isn't a strong one. It's been almost two years and she hasn't remembered anything. You've been back in Chicago, a month?"

"About that, yes." She racked her brains.

"And in that time, you haven't felt any memories?"

There were feelings, déjà vu. But they weren't memories. She shook her head.

The doctor nodded sympathetically. "Sometimes memories are triggered by familiar faces and locations. If that hasn't happened yet, I'm not exactly optimistic that it's going to."

It didn't come as a shock to her. She hadn't expected to remember anything. One look over at Jay though, and she knew he'd been expecting different news.

She willed herself not to let his disappointment affect her. "What about now? Am I clear, do I need to be worried of long term effects?"

The doctor scratched his bald head. "I wish I could give you a definitive answer. The reality is, we just don't _know_. Your scan looks fine for now. I don't see anything that causes me concern. But you did receive an experimental drug, and we don't know what'll happen down the line. I wouldn't worry too much about it, but be cautious if you experience any changes."

"So I'm not totally in the clear, that's what you're telling me?"

He leaned onto his desk, nearer to them. "Something could happen to you tomorrow, Rachel. Worrying about what might happen isn't going to change anything. But, I wouldn't ever forget about whatever happened to you, because it might still be an issue. My advice would be yearly check-ups, unless something changes."

Jay nodded, glanced at her again. "We can do that."

Yearly check-ups wasn't what she'd been hoping for. She was always going to worry, no matter what the doctor said to her. Every time she mixed up a color, number, a word, she'd worry it was something more.

The doctor and Jay followed him, holding out a hand for him to shake. He thanked him.

"Not a problem. Set up an appointment for your son on the way out. We can make sure everything is fine with him as well."

"Thanks," Rachel followed Jay out of the door.

When they were in the elevator and the doors had slid closed, he wrapped an arm around her shoulder and breathed in her scent. She could feel a relief in his body. "That's good news," he said into her hair.

She nodded. But why didn't he sound more sure? She rested her hair against his chest.

His lips grazed against her temple, touching her scar gently. He was warm and comforting, everything she needed right now.

"Yeah," she whispered. But she didn't believe it.

"At least something's going right," he replied.

She nodded her agreement. She wasn't going to _die_. She might turn out alright even with all the drugs they'd pumped into her. The real question was, would she survive whoever was out there killing off the research patients?

It was the only question whirling in her mind. That, and what the hell she was going to do about the man who's grip she was in.

* * *

She let her head fall back against the headrest of Jay's car and closed her eyes. The rhythmic jolt of his driving made her think they were still a while from home. It meant another fifteen minutes to ponder the mess her life was in.

What she wanted was a long bath, a glass of wine and seclusion from everyone and everything. What she had was Jay Halstead. Seated in the driver's seat next to her, radiating tension and worry. She could feel it. That only grated on her more.

Her cell phone rang, and it brought her from her bubble. She reached into her purse and lifted it to her ear.

"Rachel, is that you? It's Tori."

"Hey, what's up? Are the kids okay?"

"They're good. Where are you?"

"In the car, on the way home."

"Is Jay still with you?"

Her eyes flicked sideways, looking at his tense shoulders. "Yeah, he's here."

"I wondered why I couldn't reach him. Anyway, I'm glad I got you. I left the kids with Mitch because I got a call at work. They found your Doctor from New York-"

"You did?"

"Yeah. Face down in his swimming pool."

"Crap."

Jay's gaze fell on her when she cussed. She saw the questions in his eyes, but she wanted to finish her conversation first.

"Yeah," Tori spoke again. "They're calling it an accidental drowning. Turns out he took an unexpected trip to Vancouver, just after Dan's crash. Nobody knew he was back, until-"

"Oh God."

"There's more." Tori paused. "They're looking into Dan's father Xavier. One of my leads says he's in Vancouver himself. I've got business near there next week, I might catch a flight to pay him a visit.

"Tori, don't do that." She panicked.

"Relax, the firm won't even miss me-"

"It's not that," Rachel replied. "Things are getting out of hand. Don't go up there. Leave it."

"Rachel, I really don't think-"

Her jaw dropped as Jay plucked the phone from her grip. Her fingers froze in their position. She watched as Jay listened intensely whilst Tori repeated her story to him. Rachel closed her eyes again and dropped her head back to the seat. If he wanted to take over, he could do as he pleased. She didn't have the energy to do anything about it.

He ended the conversation just as he pulled up to her house. When he killed the engine, he reached a hand towards her knee. "Are you okay?" he asked.

"I'm fine." She responded.

"Talk to me," he said quietly.

A conversation with him wouldn't solve anything. It would only make it worse. A tender conversation about what she feared would only land her in his arms. Where she desperately wanted to be, but that was only a temporary solution to her problems.

"I'm fine," she said again. "I just need a few minutes."

She eased out of the car and he followed, watching as she opened the door to where she was living. She knew this was a fleeting visit, knew he wasn't going to let her stay here alone.

"I just need to get a few things from upstairs," she said. "Make yourself at home. I'll be right back."

She wasn't sure how she made it upstairs, but somehow she did. Her bedroom was to the right, Freddie's bedroom and the bathroom to the left. She walked towards her office and sank into the chair. Rachel dropped her hands to her knees and glanced around.

She still had boxes near the window. Picture frames on the floor, waiting to be hung. So many things she was supposed to do, but hadn't found the time for.

"What are you doing?"

Jay's voice didn't surprise her. She knew he would follow, that he would worry.

She didn't know how to answer because she didn't exactly know herself what she was doing.

Jay sensed she was anxious "Everything's going to be okay," he said. "You don't need to worry."

She breathed heavily. "I know you think you can swoop in here and protect me, but I can handle it. I don't," she paused, as though she didn't believe the words she was saying. "I don't need you to make it okay."

"That's not what I'm doing."

"Yes, it is. I know you're trying to help but you're _smothering_ me."

His eyes narrowed. "Did I miss something between this morning and now? What's going on?"

"You didn't miss anything from me."

He shut the door and walked further into the room. "You're going to have to explain, because I'm having trouble-"

"What do you see when you look at me?" she asked quietly.

His jaw dropped. "Is that a trick question?"

"No. it's an _honest_ one. I know what you see. You see Erin."

"And that's bad because?"

"Because Jay, I'm not her."

His brow creased. "What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about _this_." She flung her hands to the space between them. "This, this _thing_ going on between us. Every time you look at me, you see somebody who doesn't exist anymore. You have a need to protect me, but it's to protect somebody I used to be…"

"I'm lost. What on earth are you talking about?"

She chewed her lip. "Jay, all the time we've been together you've never once called me Rachel."

"Yes, I have."

"No you haven't. I've listened. " Her heart clenched, but she refused to acknowledge the pain. "I really can't lie to you, I'm _insanely_ attracted to you, but is that just physical? You're attracted to somebody who isn't here anymore. I don't know how to be Erin, and I don't even know how to try."

"I still don't get what you're trying to say." He ran a hand through his hair.

"I'm saying… I don't think this is going anywhere. I really appreciate your help with this whole thing that you've given your time to make sure I'm okay but going back to your house tonight won't help anything. The kids are confused. Being near you, I can't…. it isn't going to make things better. We both know this isn't going anywhere, I don't think you want to be in this for the long run."

She saw him tense. "So this morning-"

"This morning was me being emotional and overreacting and it didn't mean anything."

Anger flashed in his eyes. Rachel swallowed a lump in her throat, attempting to hold her ground. If she was lucky, he'd get the hint soon. Soon before she changed her mind.

Because, she _really_ wanted to change her mind. She wanted to throw herself into his arms and hide from everything that was going on in her life. She wanted to forget he thought of the person she used to be when they were together, because she wanted him more than she could think straight.

"I think you should go. Go. I'll come for Freddie in the morning." She spoke quietly.

"You think I should go? Just like that?"

"Yes."

"This is bull _shit_. Tell me what is really going on here."

"This is really what's going on." She put all her emotions in her voice, because he wasn't listening. "I don't … I can't need you. And I can't want you. And the sooner you leave and help me get that, the better off we'll all be."

His eyes locked on her own. Cold eyes. The same hard emotionless eyes she'd seen at the beginning of this mess. "Fine."

He walked from the room. She listened as his footsteps moved down the stairs. She flinched when the door opened then slammed shut.

In her office alone, she sank to the floor. Tears pooled in her eyes, and her chest ached more than it had ever ached before. The pain was so much worse than she'd expected, much worse than when she'd lost Dan.

It only made her realize how much she _did_ want Jay. And now, no matter where she went, or who she met, the reality of what she'd just let slip away from her would haunt her forever.

* * *

Jay stood on her front porch and drew in deep breaths. Calming breaths, or at least an attempt at them. He didn't need this _shit_. He had been on an emotional rollercoaster since the day she'd shown up on his doorstep, and it was about to get worse before there was even a chance of it getting better.

He definitely didn't need a woman telling him what he though and felt. Because he knew exactly what he fucking felt.

He'd been standing there for so long that it was now raining. He jogged down the front steps and walked through the rain to his car. If she wanted to be alone, then _fine_ he'd leave her alone.

 _This morning was me being emotional and overreacting and it didn't mean anything_. Her words ran through his mind as he pulled the driver's door open. He remembered the look in her eyes as she'd said it. He'd been so focused on her words that he'd almost missed the most important sign.

Until they had been to see the doctor, she had been fine. She'd handled Jay's news about the phone-calls with a pinch of salt. She'd even accepted the doctor's explanation with a calmness that he hadn't expected. It was only when Jay had asked about her memory that she'd managed to put up damn invisible walls. Since then, it was like she was behind a barrier.

 _Damn it._ She was pushing him away because she thought he was only interested in who she used to be. She couldn't possibly know that he was questioning himself. That he'd already noticed the differences in her, the attraction he felt to her was stronger than it had probably been before. And he hadn't even known that was possible.

She was implying that she didn't need him to take care of her. But he remembered the panic in her tone on the phone-call with Tori. About the mention of Vancouver.

She wasn't just scared. She was protecting him, too. Not wanting him to be _too_ involved. Doing exactly what she'd told him not to do.

Before he could stop himself, he slammed the car door and retraced his steps back towards her house. He didn't bother to knock, instead threw the door open and took the stairs two at a time until he reached the top.

When he rounded the corner to her office, he found her slumped on the floor, her knees drawn up and her elbows resting against then. Her face buried inside there somewhere.

 _So much for not caring._ She was lying through her teeth.

Her head darted up when she heard him. Her tears streaked her cheeks.

She swiped a hand across her nose. "What are you doing….?

His arms moved to underneath hers, picking her up off the floor. He pressed her against the window. Then his mouth was over hers, hot hungry and his kiss filled with all the anger and frustration and need that he had inside of him.

 **Please Review :)**


	9. Chapter 9

Her hands scrunched against his wet T-shirt and she tried to wiggle free, but he held her tight and pressed his body into her. Jay continued to kiss her hard, demanding a response. Soon after, she buckled beneath him and he felt the moment she gave in.

The moment she grabbed and pulled him tighter instead of pushing him away. The moment she opened her mouth and drew his tongue into hers, drawing his heart right along with it.

The faintest groan escaped her. It caused desire to tighten his stomach. Blood rushed straight through him. Grasping her T-shirt at the hem, he pulled it over her head and dropped it to the floor.

"So tell me I don't mean anything to you.." He nipped against her ears, her lobe deep in his mouth. He moved his lips to below her lobe, pressing them gently against that upside down, heart-shaped birthmark near her jaw. The one he'd licked and caressed a thousand times before. The one that felt familiar and completely new both at the same time.

She shivered. Her head fell back as she finally wrapped her arms around his shoulders, pulling him closer. She arched into him, offered more of her neck to him at the same time as grinding her hips against his erection.

"You don't. It's...it's just sex."

 _The hell it is._

With fairly rough hands, he grasped at her bra and pulled. The front clasp gave easily and he shoved the lacy garment aside. Then he closed his hands around her naked breast, lowering his head to the nipple and having fun with his tongue. She cried out when his teeth scraped the tip, but she didn't push him away. She found he wasn't done yet. He repeated the process on her other side, noises erupting his own throat when she thrusted in response.

"Then say it again," he said as his lips pecked along her collarbone, her throat then found her mouth again. "Tell me this isn't real."

She forced her head from side to side, grasped his soaked shirt and threw it from his torso. "It's... _not_."

"You're lying."

Jay tugged at the fastening on her jeans, his hands pushing them down before she had the chance to stop him. In one swift move, her jeans and underwear were in a pile on the floor.

Gasping for breath, she reached for him. He captured her wrists, pinned them to the wall with one hand. "Still nothing?"

She swallowed, shaking her head. But he could see past it, see the desire in her eyes. See the hunger. See the _need_.

And it was for him. Not for anybody else. Him. Only him.

His mouth closed over hers. She opened for him, tangling together their tongues. He brushed a hand down her stomach, felt her quiver at his touch. He groaned himself when he felt the hot wetness between her thighs.

"You're _lying_ , aren't you?" She was trembling at his words while he continued to kiss her. "Tell me how much you need me." His fingers circled her entrance, teasing until he found her clit.

She groaned her response, pushing her hips into him. Jay slid his finger lower, inside, knowing exactly what she wanted.

"Jay..."

"Tell me," he said into her ear. "Tell me you feel what I do. Because I know you do. I know you can't fight it any more than I can." She gasped as he added a second finger, stroking her deep until she cried out, her whole body trembling with her release.

"You're so beautiful, oh my God," he continued. "Go on, tell me."

His name was little but a strangled cry from her lips. He captured it into his own mouth, continuing to drive her insane with his hands.

"Stop," she mumbled against him.

"No." He didn't just want to be satisfied with her body. He wanted her soul too. He wasn't going to settle for anything less. She fought against his fingers but it only caused him to quicken his movements, and she was close to the edge again. "Again. I want to watch you do that again."

"I...can't" she muttered, freeing her hands to push against him. "It's too... _much_."

He moved his mouth to her throat, nibbling gently. All the while, continuing to stroke her insides.

She twisted, her thighs clamped around his hand as he took her to the edge again. "Jay, please."

"Then tell me. Tell me you don't feel anything when you're with me. Tell me I don't matter to you. We both know you _can't_ because this ... you and me ... this is all that matters."

"Shit," she groaned. "I do care, you asshole. _Too much_. I don't want you to matter this much, I don't want to _feel_. I don't want to hurt I just want... you."

Her words shot straight to his heart. Jay released her arms before tangling his hands in her curls and pulling her mouth close. His lips softened, his kiss gentled and when he started to taste salt from her tears, tenderness consumed him.

Her hands scrambled for the waistband of his jeans. Her slender fingers slid inside his pants, wrapping themselves around him. His whole body shook.

He needed to be inside her, he couldn't wait any longer. He threw his hands to her ass and carried her from the office, kicking the door along the hallway which he figured was her bedroom. He threw her to the mattress, wrestled with his pants and shoes. A groan tore at his insides when she raised herself up and kissed him. She pulled at his body and threw him back against the mattress, straddling his hips. Her wet moist heat was so close Jay could barely breathe.

She closed her mouth over his, kissing him hard. A shudder ran the length of his bones when she eased herself back, wrapping long fingers around his length and drawing it to her opening. With that, he lost all ability to think, when she positioned him at the entrance of her body and took him inside.

His heart clenched so hard he gasped. Jay reached for her, pulling her mouth back to his while threading fingers in her hair.

Everything else up to now seemed unimportant.

A low groan left him as she flexed her hips, lifting and lowering in an attempt to get as close as she possible could.

Jay had never let himself imagine that he'd be with her like this again. He hadn't realized just how much he'd missed her, how much he _needed_ her. How empty his life had been without her. She consumed every single part of him.

 _Erin._

Her name hovered on his lips, the desire to call it out stronger than he'd expected. So many years. So many things he wanted- _needed_ \- to make up for. He wanted to give her what she needed. Needed to let her know that he'd heard her words.

"Look at me _Rachel_."

Her eyes locked on his. For a second, the connection he felt was so intense, so all-consuming. It ate at him.

She touched his soul in a way no one before or since ever had.

Jay knew she felt it too, could see by the look in her eyes she was as powerless as he was, against the emotions flowed between them. Her eyes were watery, and he brushed back her curls to see more of her face.

"It's only you," he whispered.

A smile spread on her lips before she captured him in another embrace. When she whispered his name, the muscles in him hardened and he thrust faster pulling her tight against his chest.

"Just..." she panted. "Wait for me."

How could he tell her that he'd been waiting for her his whole life?

He held back slightly. But when she arched her naked body and tightened around him, he let go, making sure she went over the edge with him.

With his pulse pounding, Jay wrapped his arms around her and just held on. She slowly fell against his chest, drawing in unsteady breaths. His lips brushed against her temple, tracing the line of her scar.

His heart beat frantically, but in rhythm against hers. For the first time in forever he felt... whole.

Jay closed his eyes, breathed deeply. He wanted to hand onto the feeling he was experiencing right now. But when she turned her face to his shoulder and he felt the trickle of tears, the reality of the moment hit him.

 _That wasn't what he was supposed to do._ All his careful plans to woo her back had just crashed and burned and now she was crying. All because he couldn't control his temper. And, judging from the sobs taking over her body, it wasn't what she'd wanted either.

"I'm sorry. God, I'm sorry. Please don't cry." He rolled her over, brushing tears away from her cheeks.

She covered her face with both hands.

"I'm sorry." he repeated. He kissed against her cheeks, the corners of her mouth. Wanting to do anything to make it up to her. "I'm so sorry I-"

She pressed her fingers over his lips.

"Stop it," she hushed. "Don't say it again. I'm not crying because I'm upset."

He froze. "You're not?"

She shook her head then lowered her hands from her face. "No."

"Then why?"

Her eyes twinkled. "Because you said my name. I didn't realize how much I needed to hear it, from you."

He thought he'd fallen earlier, but he'd _definitely_ been wrong. His wife's tenderness overwhelmed him in a way it never had before. How could he love her more now than he had back then? Surely that wasn't possible. Something about her today touched him in a way Erin hadn't. Of course, he didn't want to think about the absurdity of what he was implying. He only wanted to be with her again, to feel her and know her all over again.

"Baby. Come here," He sat up and brought her with him, cradling her on his knee. He nuzzled against her neck, drawing in the sweetness of her scent. He totally revelled in just holding her close.

"This isn't the way I wanted it for you, not the first time."

She rested her head against his neck, wrapping her arms around his shoulders. "I'm not complaining." She smiled and he kissed her, softly this time. She sighed and kissed him back, her fingers again lacing themselves through his strands of hair.

"I need you to know something," he spoke softly, quieter than she'd ever heard him before. "I need you to know that if I thought there was any chance, even a minuscule one, that you were still alive...I-"

"Hey, I believe you." she replied.

He didn't want her to _believe_ it. He wanted her to _feel_ it. To know she was the only thing he'd ever wanted. A lose curl fell across her brow, and Jay brushed it away with his fingers.

"I would never do anything to hurt you."

"I know that too," she whispered.

Jay leaned in to kiss her, feeling his heart swell to twice its size when she returned it.

"I can do better," he said against her touch, running a hand down the soft indents of her spine.

"Right now? You're up for that already?"

"I've been up for it ever since you walked back into my life."

When she laughed, relief swarmed his insides. He pulled her back onto the comforter and kissed her again. Then he eased back just enough to look down into her eyes. "Tonight... when I left... did you really think you could get ride of me so easily?"

"Was that too obvious?" she teased.

"You know, you almost had me convinced. That was, until I remembered your eyes could never lie. Apparently they still can't." Her eyelids slid closed as he continued his heartfelt words, and he planted a kiss above her lashes.

"Well I'll have to remember that," she mumbled, too breathless to respond any louder.

"Baby, tell me what you want," he whispered as his hands roamed her sides, his knuckles grazing the assets that made her whole body tingle.

"I don't want to think. I just want _you_ , I want you to touch me the way you did before. I want to forget everything but you."

"I think I can help you out with that," he grinned.

"Good. Because right now, all I need is you."

And those words, the last words to leave her mouth before he took her over the edge again, were the exact words he ever needed to hear.

* * *

Rachel flexed her toes, stretching out her legs. She couldn't remember the last time she'd felt this relaxed, so sated, so calm. Every muscle in her body turned to jello.

She glanced down at Jay and a smile immediately spread across her face. His head lay on her chest, his arm draped around her naked waist, their legs still tangled together. Even in his light slumber, he didn't seem to want to let her go. Her fingers knotted in his hair, the silky brunette strands tickling her skin. She had _never_ felt as loved, as desired, as she had been in the past few hours.

They'd made love once more before he'd pulled her near and closed his eyes.

Rain was pelting the window outside, the wind picking up and the air getting dark but in the confines of her little house, she was warm and content. And right now, she was happy.

The kids were still under the watchful eye of Will (God help them), her cell was off and the nightmare that was her life shifted to the back of her mind. She could deal with all of that later. Now, she just wanted to enjoy the moment, because she wasn't sure how long it was going to last.

"Stop it," Jay said without moving.

Her fingers froze in his hair. "You don't like that?"

"No, I love that. Keep doing that. Just stop thinking."

Her smile widened. "How do you know that's what I'm doing?"

"Baby, I can practically hear the gears grinding together in that thick skull of yours."

"Hey, they were _not_ ," she said playfully. "And my skull is not that thick."

A laugh rippled through him, causing him to shuffle on her bare chest. "If you dare say this was a mistake, I'm going to have to do it again until I change your mind."

"I wasn't going to say that."

"No, but you're thinking it."

She continued playing with his hair. "Well of course I was thinking it, I'm a smart woman."

A grin spread on his lips. He skimmed one of his hands up her thigh and pressed two fingers into a point on her lip. She giggled and attempted to move away.

"I warned you," he flipped his body and trailed lips across her chest, up to her neck." His warm hands slid up to caress her naked breasts. Arousal coursed through her again.

"You're insatiable, you know that?" She whispered as his lips worked up to her ear.

"In a good way though, right?"

She couldn't help but laugh. She hadn't known she could feel this relaxed with him. She didn't expect the unreal warmth in her chest every new time he kissed her.

Jay eased over onto his side, running a hand up her shoulder then down her arm then intertwining their fingers. He brought her hand to his mouth, caressing and kissing her fingers one by one. Tiny threads of emotion oozed through her, the gesture was so endearing, so tender.

Afterwards, he intertwined their fingers again.

She smiled then glanced down at her hand in his. Her fingertips grazed the platinum band on his third finger. "Why do you wear this?"

"Because I'm married," he answered.

"You were wearing it when we met. You didn't know you were still married then."

"I always wear it." His fingers caressed hers.

"You've worn it all this time?"

"I have. Does that surprise you?"

She shook her head, fighting back the emotions that she couldn't currently define. "Why? It's been five years."

He propped himself on an elbow, looking into her deep hazel eyes. "Because I got married once, for better or worse. _Forever_. I found the girl I wanted to spend my life with. I never had any intentions of getting married to anybody else."

"You'd rather be alone? What if you'd met somebody?"

"I've met lots of women," he said. "None of them ever came close to you."

"Jay," emotions flowed into her veins. Tears stung the back of her eyes. Under his intense and tender gaze, her heart was seriously close to the edge.

He broke their gaze for a second, looking down at her hands. "I noticed you took yours off."

She followed his eyes. "He wasn't my husband. I couldn't wear it, once I knew the truth."

Jay lifted her hand and kissed her fingers again. "I wish I knew what happened to the ring you got from me. I need to get you a new one."

She saw the determination in his gaze. Her stomach tensed in reaction. Was she ready for that? She didn't know. She didn't know if she would ever be. "Jay-"

"Don't," he leaned towards her face and silenced her with the slightest graze of his lips.

"Don't what?"

"Just, don't think. I don't want you to worry about tomorrow or the next day or the day after that. I don't want you to overanalyze anything I say. I just want you to _feel_."

She sank back into the pillows and closed her eyes. As his hands caressed her bare body, she drew in a breath.

The feelings she was experiencing told her this was much more than physical attraction. It was now so much deeper, so much more than she'd ever experienced before.

And that scared the _shit_ out of her. More than she wanted to admit. The thought that it could be love, so soon after meeting him again. It made her palms sweaty and her pulse beat.

He wasn't finished with her yet, easing between her legs and sliding deep inside. It took her by surprise but her heart almost leapt as she pulled him close.

"So, are you thinking right now?" he whispered in her ear.

"Nope. Definitely not." His slow, gentle strokes brought the softest sigh from her lips. She lifted her hips to meet him, ran hands down his back. She was loving the texture of his skin, wanting to memorize every curve of his muscle.

He smiled against her ear. "Good. Because I want your mind to be completely empty when I tell you.. that I love you."

Her whole body tensed. "Jay-"

"I do," he said softly, drawing out of her and pressing back until she gasped. "I can't pretend that I don't. What I love about you is something I can't even explain. It's there whether you call yourself Erin or Rachel. It's there whether you remember me or not."

"This is crazy," she whispered.

A smile twisted his mouth. "No. Crazy would be denying what is happening between us. I don't," he drew out and back in again. "I'm not asking you to say it back, not yet at least. I just want you to know it's there. That it's always right there."

The words hovered on her lips, but fear held her back. Fear of what would happen when they were no longer in this little bubble. Fear of how he might feel when he got to know her better.

For a little while, she could pretend tomorrow didn't exist. She might not be able to say the words, but she could show him what she felt instead.

She took his face in her hands and kissed him deeply.

"Jay, let me love you."

* * *

His hand lay on her thigh for the duration of the car ride back to his house. If it had been up to Jay, he would have lay in her bed with her all night, her naked body wrapped against his own. But, the outside world called and they needed to get home to the children.

Though, it was way past Oliva and Freddie's bedtime when they returned. And Will had apparently done a good job of doing it, because the kids were no where to be seen when they walked through the door. Instead, Jay and Rachel walked in on a dispute between Tori and Will.

"I told you, you can't go up there alone!" Will stood in Jay's kitchen with his hands on his hips. "Did you hear me?" His eyes darted to the door when his brother walked in. "Oh, and where the hell have you two been?" One look at them though, and he _knew_ where they'd been. He grimaced. "Anyway, maybe you can talk some sense into this woman. You can't go to Vancouver alone."

Tori scoffed. " _Please_. Like I need to listen to you. I'm headed up near there for business. Besides, nobody is going to know I'm there. In fact, I'll probably be safer there than I am here."

Rachel pretended to ignore the comment Will had made, but she couldn't avoid the color of her cheeks changing. "Tori, maybe Will's right-"

"Hey, I haven't even decided if it's worth going to Vancouver yet. I'll wait and see what my investigator finds."

Tori knew they were about to team up on her, but she didn't need for them to be so concerned.

"I'd go with you if it wasn't for this shitty timing," Will continued.

"You're not going alone," Jay all but confirmed. "People will recognize you. And if there's a chance you're going to run in with Xavier, things could get sticky." Jay grabbed Rachel's hand and led her from the room. "I'm gonna tuck Freddie in. You coming?" She didn't have a chance to nod but followed him from the room.

Will walked over to Tori. "Listen, I care about you. Promise me you're not gonna go to Canada. You _can't_."

She didn't answer, but nodded as he slid an arm around her. Well aware of how unprofessional she was, she couldn't let herself fall for the brother of her client's ex husband. Jay was right, things were about to get _extremely_ sticky.

Because she was _so_ close to getting answers for Rachel. For this family. And whatever decision she was about to make next was going to impact their future. And it would be totally her fault if anything went wrong.

* * *

She woke up incredibly early but didn't want to disturb anybody so went downstairs. When she noticed her purse and overnight bag by the door, she suddenly remembered what she'd packed in there.

"What are you doing?"

Rachel practically jumped from her skin from her position in the lounge, turning towards the stairs.

Jay stood on the bottom step, wearing nothing but short pyjama bottoms low on his hips.

She pressed a hand to her chest. "You scared me."

He walked into the room, bending behind her and planting a kiss in her hair. "What, were you expecting somebody else?"

The early morning sunlight glinted off his bare chest. Her skin tingled as she remembered tracing those lines several times last night.

"Baby?"

She tore her gaze from his mesmorizing body and looked into his eyes. "What?"

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." She turned back to the journals she'd been studying. She felt like laughing aloud when he crept up behind her, heat creeping up her face.

He slid to the floor behind her, one leg on either side of hers. Warmth immediately radiated her body. She shivered, knowing just being close to him was enough to make her breathing hitch. When his fingers slipped around her waist, she smiled.

Of course it was what she wanted. But _shit_ , if he kept that up she'd never get through these journals.

"That's my shirt," he said, trailing his hands along the cotton before sneaking underneath to caress at her ribcage.

It pissed her off so much that heat pooled to her core, even with his smallest touch. A low fire built in her insides when his fingers grazed her nipple. "Sorry. I just grabbed the first thing I saw. You can have it back in a minute if you want,"

"I do," he mumbled against her. His hand grazed her hip again, before sliding between her thighs.

 _Honestly, insatiable_ she thought.

He continued. "I don't like waking up alone. I want you back in my bed."

His words made her shiver with anticipation. "I couldn't sleep."

"Oh. What are you doing down here anyway?"

She looked back at the journal spread all across the carpet. Tried not to get distracted when his fingers sneaked into her panties. "I couldn't get the doctor's conversation out of my head."

"Hey, don't-"

"He said he remembered reading something on a study of Laetrile. Jay, I've read it."

"You have?" He removed his hands, a little to her displeasure, and reached for the journals in front of her.

"Yeah. I remember because it sounded so fucking dreadful. I know it's in here somewhere." She tossed aside papers and grabbed another pile. "I need to go to the publisher's today."

Jay tensed. "Nope. No way, no."

One look and she saw the worry in his expression. Why did she have the strangest feeling he was keeping something from her again?

"Jay, I'll be fine. I can check the database network. The article that I'm thinking of will be there. I _need_ to find it."

"I don't want you going there. Not until we know who from the publishers is connected to this."

Fighting with him on this wasn't going to help anything. He was too stubborn and too domineering and too Goddamn handsome to argue with.

Biting her lip, she rested against his chest. "You could come with me."

He laughed and groaned simultaneously. "Teasing me will not get you what you want."

"You can have your shirt back, if you go with me." She teased.

He flipped her around and stared into her eyes, the look of a cheeky teenager on his face. "Hey, I think I get my shirt back either way.."

* * *

Rachel slipped on her sunglasses as she stepped out of Jay's car. She waited on the sidewalk with a frown while he took his Goddamn time. He'd been dragging his feet all morning, almost as though he didn't want to help her at all.

He'd made her and the kids breakfast, delaying their move to the publishers even more. Then he'd lured her into a long hot shower (not that she needed much convincing) where he'd washed her body with his hands and tongue, before convincing her to have an hour with their son and daughter in the lounge. She didn't complain about any of it, but she really did feel the need to get to work. His slow snail pace was getting on her nerves.

"God, you're worse than a woman."

He locked the car and slipped the keys into his pocket, walking over to her. "Hey, don't start with me. I already have a bad feeling about this."

So he was worried, she could deal with that. But why did it feel as though there was more eating away at him? Something else he wasn't telling her?

She shook off the though and pulled him towards the building. "Come on, we'll be done before you know it. Nobody will even know we're there."

But the office was lively when they reached the floor in the elevator.

"Rachel, you're here," So much for going unnoticed. "Thank goodness. The phone has been ringing none stop."

Oh, _great_.

She glanced from the receptionist to Jay. "This is Jay, Jay this is Danielle."

"Hi," he offered a friendly response, way more friendlier than she'd actually imagined.

Danielle's gaze shifted to him. Her eyes widened when she finally recognized who Rachel had brought in on her arm. "Oh, hello."

"That's my office," She pointed and nodded towards Jay. "I'll be just a minute."

When he was gone, Danielle turned to her. "Is that who I think it is?"

"Yes."

"Is he really your husband?" she quizzed.

"Certainly is. I'll take those messages."

"Oh," Danielle handed her the paper. "Matt's looking for you."

"How does he know I'm here?"

"Please," she stared. "You're practically a celebrity. You go anywhere with Jay Halstead, and people talk."

"Great," Rachel muttered. She took a step towards her office. "I'm not staying long. I just need... to check something. If anybody asks I'm not here, right?"

"Sure."

Jay was studying her photographs when she entered her office.

"It's not as big as your office," she laughed.

"Where was this taken?" He lifted a picture of Freddie playing in sand.

"The gulf. He loves the beach."

Emotion pooled in his face and it hit her: he'd lost time too.

"I have more pictures at home, I'll show you."

A smile tugged the corners of his mouth. "I'd like that, yeah." He rubbed his hands together. "Where do we start?"

She led him to a filing cabinet. "You can flip through these while I pull up data on the computer. It's gotta be here somewhere."

Her intercom hummed. "Rachel? Matt's on his way-"

It wasn't two seconds before the office door opened and Matt Bennet Adams- her still fairly new manager- stepped into the room.

"Are you avoiding me?" he asked.

Rachel walked over to him. Jay did too, knowing he couldn't trust _anybody_ at her company right now.

"Matt Bennet," she said making introductions. "Jay Halstead."

"Well shit," Matt muttered. "It's true."

"I'm not staying, Matt. I know the office is hella crazy, so I'll get out of your way. I'm just... looking for something."

"What are you looking for?"

"An article about a cancer drug tested in Canada. _Laetrile._ "

They both watched as the color drained from Matt's face.

"Well, would you look at that," Jay stepped around Matt and closed the office door. "I think we just found our link."

 **Please Review :)**


	10. Chapter 10

Matt Bennet Adams' terraced house sat on the outskirts of town. Jay tapped a hand against his knee as he and Rachel waited in the weirdly tidy lounge. One wall of the room was taken up completely by windows, looking back into the city. Trees swayed in the afternoon breeze, enough to make a rattling noise travel through the room.

Rachel caught sight of Jay's tense stance, his tightened jaw. "Jay, relax would you? You're stressing _me_ out."

"Why did he have to bring us to his fucking house," There was no stopping the movement of his leg, bouncing up and down with anticipation. "What was wrong with doing this in your fucking office?"

She shot him an irritated look. "Shh! And stop with the tapping!"

Amelia Bennet came down the stairs with Matt by her side. Her face was blank and Rachel watched as she guarded a very heavily pregnant stomach with one of her hands.

When they reached the threshold of the lounge, the woman spoke. "Sorry we kept you waiting."

Jay tensed at Rachel's side, but she chose to ignore it. "It's okay. I'm sorry we're bothering you. I know how tired you must be." _Actually_ thought Rachel _I don't. I would though, if I could remember being pregnant._

Amelia smiled, running her hand up and down her bump. "I'm not really able to sleep all that well these days."

"I guess it's practice for when the baby comes," Matt said, his fingers joining together with his wife's.

Jay shifted on the couch, eventually standing and rubbing his hands together awkwardly. "Look," He scanned the married couple. "I don't mean to be rude, but we really need some answers." He glanced at his own wife. "I… _Rachel_ needs answers. The first of which being why we had to come here, when we could have had this conversation at the Publisher's."

Rachel shot him a warning look through narrow eyes. _God, the man had no tact when he was on a fucking mission._

"I guess that's my fault," Amelia sank into the couch. Even being pregnant, the sofa seemed to swallow up her petite body. "Matt knew I'd want to be there for this conversation."

"Wait, I'm confused." Rachel moved to one of the free arm-chairs. "How do you have anything to do with the medical study?"

"You don't recognize me at all, do you?" Amelia asked.

"No, I don't. Should I?" Worry tickled the back of Rachel's throat.

"I suppose not. We only spoke a few times when I was in the nursing home, but I could never forget those eyes of yours."

Rachel shot a glance at Jay. His jaw clenched. _Amelia Bennet_. Why hadn't the name clicked when she'd looked at the list from Katherine Kelly's home?

Matt took a step behind his wife, resting his hands gently on her shoulders. "Melly had a tumor. We decided to try experimental treatments, after everything else we tried didn't work."

"I…I didn't think I was going to make it." Amelia looked down at the floor, her blond hair falling in front of her face. "But Dr. McMorrison was so optimistic, he gave us some hope. The treatments over the last six months. I was in and out of the nursing home, being monitored by the staff that worked there. That's where I met you."

Rachel's eyes widened. "I was awake?"

"For a little while. You'd been in an accident, were in a coma for several months. Your husband…" She glanced at Jay. "Dr McMorrison, I mean, had you relocated to the home so he could keep an eye on you. The nursing home was where most of his patients were. When your baby was born, you woke up but you were in and out of consciousness for a _very_ long time. One day you were up and moving around, the next you were completely out."

She'd been _awake_. She'd been _moving_. That kinda explained why her recovery hadn't been so extreme, why her body had bounced back relatively quickly. People had seen her and talked to her. And she couldn't remember any of it.

"And Dr McMorrison said he was my husband?" She swallowed the lump in her throat.

Amelia nodded. "Yes. Another doctor was overseeing your care, but I never knew his name. They seemed to know each other well. I think it must have been his nursing home, or he knew the person who owned and operated it."

 _The New York doctor perhaps?_ Actually, it was more than a perhaps, Rachel knew her doctor who did the brain scan in New York and the man who claimed to be her husband were linked. Jay was right, he was involved. And her NY doctor had probably been killed because of his involvement.

"What was the name of the experimental drug?" Jay asked, frowning.

" _Laetrile_." Matt replied. "It completely cured Amelia's tumor. Apparently a few of the other patients were taking it, too. Last year, Dr McMorrison compiled a ton of research and another doctor published it in our medical journal." Matt walked to the large table at the back of the room and retrieved several sheets of paper. He handed them to Jay.

"This references a study in Vancouver," Jay exhaled.

Matt swallowed. "Yeah.."

Rachel gulped. "You published false data?!"

Matt stared at the floor. "Yep."

"But why? Why didn't you tell me any of this, Matt?" She felt kinda hurt, even before she'd figured out why she'd ended up at the Publishers, she still thought Matt was a good person.

Matt shifted his weight nervously, walking back over to his wife and dropping to the couch beside her. She reached for one of his hands as a sign of support.

"Dan and I had an agreement. He let Melly into the research project and I kept what I knew about the studies to myself. When it came to publishing his data and information, I'd help. By this time we were desperate and willing to try _anything_." Matt paused and avoided eye contact with them all, as if reminiscing what the moment had felt like. "After it cured Amelia's tumor, I owed him. He _fixed_ her. And the way I look at it, I didn't really care for his studies. I believed him…" His voice trailed.

Matt's new silence caused Amelia to cut in. "Matt didn't know you were married before, Rachel." Her eyes shifted between Rachel and Jay. "What he knew was that you were in a nursing home under Dan's care, and that you were his wife. Dan asked him to keep quiet around you. He told Matt that the trauma of your accident was really bad."

Rachel massaged the scar along her hairline; she was sure it had never throbbed this way before. Brand new information was being thrown at her, and she didn't know if she had the energy to handle it all. So much _still_ didn't make sense. "So, when I woke up, he arranged for me to work at the Publishing house." Her eyes darted to Matt. "You never questioned that I knew anything?"

Matt sighed. "I classed him as a _friend_. I didn't know he was a McMorrison until a short while ago. Dan said he didn't like to use the name because of a fall-out he'd had with his family. I _believed_ him."

"So he set me up with this job before his crash? You knew I would be looking for answers. But you still didn't say anything after he died. I've been _here_ for a good month or so. You _knew_ I'd been in that nursing home, but you didn't say anything?" She stood from the chair and paced a length of the carpet. Jay chewed his lip and looked at her, wanting with everything in him to comfort her.

"Rachel, I don't think you understand what's going on," Matt's tone turned more serious. "Somebody doesn't want you to find answers. After you called about the job here, we started getting warnings."

Jay leaned forwards and his brow furrowed. "What do you mean, warnings?"

"Anonymous phone calls, mostly." Amelia answered, so Matt had clearly filled her in. "They never referenced your name, Rachel but they said to keep what we knew about the nursing home to ourselves. That it would be in Matt's best interest not to be involved if any of Dan's study was leaked."

Rachel shook her head, now she was even more confused. "Then why did you suggest I see a lawyer?"

Matt sighed. "I wanted to help. I saw how frustrated you were, and how much you deserved answers. I thought maybe if you couldn't find answers on your own, I could help if I wasn't _directly_ involved. I had no idea the lawyer you picked was going to recognize you."

It clicked. _Rachel was the link_. If she hadn't come to Chicago, if she'd never called Tori and scheduled an appointment with her, if Tori hadn't recognized her, it was likely none of this would be happening.

Jay looked over at Matt's wife. "Did anybody else visit her in the nursing home, anybody that you know of?"

Amelia thought for a minute. "There was an older man, with gray hair, quite largely built. And a young woman, but I think I only saw her once or twice. Other than that, I can't recall. Rachel was there for a long time, though."

 _Older man and a young woman, that could be anybody_.

"I'm sorry I can't be more help," Amelia spoke softly. "My memories from that time are pretty hazy."

Rachel didn't even feel angry. Any anger she had was replaced by weary disappointment and apprehension. Everything she'd just discovered seemed to confuse her more. She was learning the _how,_ but she was still none-the-wiser on the _why_.

"No," she chewed on a gum so she wouldn't get emotional in front of Amelia. It probably wasn't the woman's fault that she couldn't be more help. "You've been a big help."

"Rachel," Matt pulled from his wife's embrace and leaned towards her.

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Jay tense: the way his arms dropped to his sides as if going into protective mode. But Rachel was pretty sure Matt wasn't going to do anything. She extended a hand towards Jay, in a bid to tell him she was alright. "What?"

"If I'd known what was really going on, I wouldn't have kept it quiet. I thought Dan was on the up, I thought he was a good doctor. After your press conference the other day, I knew I needed to see you. To tell you what I knew. I've been trying to get hold of you, but with you not being in the office…"

She couldn't even tell if he was lying. Every time she turned around, there seemed to be more and more _lies_. She wasn't so sure what to believe anymore.

"I need to find the answers, Matt. I'm not going to stop until I do."

Matt shook his head. "I'm not so sure that's a good idea."

Jay stood up from the couch, his hands clasped together. "Nothing is going to happen to her." He spoke firmly and his voice travelled across the room. "If anybody tries to hurt her, they have to get through me first."

There was a warning laced through his words, a warning that had the others in the room turning. A muscle in Jay's jaw clenched tight. His eyes were hinted with vengeance.

Matt nodded, before glancing back to his wife. "I know how you feel. If there is _anything_ that we can do, let us know. We wanna help."

Rachel felt Jay's eyes on her, and sweat trickled her back with his intense gaze. She could see his words had been serious, that he'd take on _anybody_ who came after her.

And for reasons she couldn't explain yet, that knowledge scared her more than what the truth held itself.

* * *

"Hey, there's my little guy!" Jay exclaimed as he walked through the door of his house and Freddie ran to meet him. Rachel watched as her son ran towards his father at full speed, resulting in him being scooped up when the pair of them stepped through into the house.

"Daddy! Daddy!" Freddie squealed as Jay took him into his embrace. "Where did you go Daddy?" He asked.

"Mommy and I had to run to Mommy's work real quick. What have you been doing, buddy?"

"I colored with Liv and T-" He seemed to struggle with the name. "With Tori! Did you want to see?" He didn't even wait for Jay to give an answer. "In there, in there!" He pointed towards the kitchen.

Rachel melted, watching as Jay walked them towards the kitchen. Freddie had _just_ become accustomed to calling Jay his Daddy, and it always did something to her insides when she saw it. He'd never hesitated to use the word with Dan, because he didn't know any different but it made Rachel happy that he was using it with Jay. Especially given they hadn't known each other for _that_ long.

When she looked at them together, it was crazy how alike they were. She could get lost in their identical sea green eyes, laugh when their brown strands of hair stuck up in all the same places, look on in awe as Jay took his younger child under his wing. Now she could only hope that she would have the same with Olivia sometime soon.

She felt guilty that her and Jay had spent so much time without their children the past few weeks. She'd been living in the bubble of Jay's company, trying to find answers. She vowed to herself that she would take the Mom role more seriously once she'd found them.

Still, she was thankful Will and Tori were there so much for the children. If she was honest, she didn't know what she would have done without them for the past few weeks. Without their aid, she and Jay wouldn't have had half the opportunities to go out and find more information. Or for time together _alone_.

Rachel walked into the kitchen, expecting to find the four of them she'd left there. Instead, there was only Jay and Freddie and Tori.

"Where's Livi? And my brother?" Jay asked, right after Rachel had set foot in the kitchen.

"They went to get take-out." Tori smiled. "We weren't exactly sure what time you guys were going to be back, and Jay you know your brother can't cook."

"Well I hope they get enough for all of us!" Jay set Freddie onto one of the chairs. He occupied the one next to him and focused his attention on Freddie's masterpieces. "Wow dude, these are awesome!" He engaged in a conversation about the painting with him.

"Can I have a word?" Tori grabbed Rachel's attention, and stood from the table. She walked to where Rachel was standing near the counter, hopefully out of earshot of the boys.

 _Oh, boy._ At this point, Rachel wasn't even sure what she expected.

"Sure," she leaned against the counter and folded her arms across her chest. "What's up?"

"Relax, it's nothing to do with _this_." She laughed. "Okay, maybe it is a little." She looked towards Rachel, who motioned for her to continue. "Don't be mad?"

"Mad?" Rachel's brow furrowed. "What on earth would I be mad about?"

"I slept with Will-"

She felt her jaw drop, although Rachel wasn't entirely sure why. She wasn't _surprised_.

"Tori, you're my lawyer. You don't have to tell me about stuff to do with your personal life…"

"I know, but I'm telling you because I'd like to think you're my friend, too. I'd rather you heard it from me than from Will."

"Tori-"

"He wants to come with me to Canada. To see if we can find Xavier."

Rachel gulped. "I still don't like that idea," Tori's lips moved but Rachel didn't give her time to cut in. "But I'd feel better if Will went with you."

Her lawyer nodded. "Right." She backed against the counter, like Rachel. The conversation was way less awkward than she'd expected. "So I guess this means we're both sleeping with Halstead brothers."

Rachel's eyes shot up. "What? I didn't-"

"Please," she stared at Rachel. "You haven't been staying over here so often for nothing."

"Spare bedroom," she couldn't exactly believe she was having this conversation with her lawyer. But Tori was right, they were _friends_ too. And Rachel needed one of those right now.

"We both know the spare bedroom is not where you have been staying." Tori's eyebrows raised.

"Okay, shut up. Whatever," She smirked and walked away. Fighting to change the subject. "What have you been drawing, Fredster?"

"Batman!" Freddie threw a palm into the air, almost smacking Jay in the face. "Look Mommy, look!"

"I can see, baby! That's so good," she smiled, lowering herself to the chair opposite Jay. She looked up at him, he seemed so content when he was in the company of his children. "So apparently my lawyer and your brother are a thing now," she laughed.

Jay chuckled. "They are? Tori, I can't believe you gave into his advances-"

"Hey, don't say that! It just happened, you know."

"Yeah," Jay said under his breath. He shot a sly glance towards the woman opposite him whilst Tori was still preoccupied at the counter. "Yeah, I know."

"And," Rachel continued. "He's gonna go up to Vancouver with her."

"Wait, he is? Is that a good idea?" Jay frowned, still partly occupied with his son's drawing.

"Jay, you guys deserve answers." Tori replied, joining them at the table. "We need to go up there, there's definitely a piece of the puzzle up where Xavier is. This could help a _lot_."

"Yeah, I guess you're right. When are you guys headed up there?"

"My work up north is next week. So, just after that."

Jay nodded. "Gotcha." Then without warning, he got up from the table and the girls heard his heavy footfall on the stairs.

"Wait, was that conversation over?" Tori laughed.

"Yeah, good talk Jay!" Rachel said into the air.

They waited for him in the kitchen, but he was a while doing whatever he was doing upstairs. Will and Olivia had returned, before he did.

"Ahh ladies, I hope you're hungry!" Will smirked. "We may have gone a _little_ overboard with the pizza."

"Pizza!" Freddie chirped when he heard the mention of his favorite food. "We're having pizza, Mommy?"

"Apparently we are, baby." She helped Will unload the numerous boxes. "Hey Liv, you like pizza too?" She watched as her daughter nodded. "What's your favorite?"

"Oh, I just like plain." She was already digging into a slice. "Where's Dad?"

"He's upstairs-"

"He's right here." Jay walked into the room and kissed the top of Olivia's head. He had a bundle under his arm, but Rachel couldn't make out what it was. "What are we having? Pizza? Smells unbelievable."

"Hey, you know I always deliver when it comes to pizza." Will grinned. "Come on man, I'm hungry."

When they'd eaten a few slices and made small talk, Jay caught Rachel's attention and nodded his head towards the lounge. Tori and Will were talking about their upcoming "trip" and Olivia was coloring with Freddie, so they didn't even look up when they left the room.

Rachel noticed Jay pick up the bundle he'd brought down and guided her by the hand to the lounge.

He threw himself onto the couch, back to the arm and his legs spread. Jay motioned for her to sit between them.

"What's up?" Her heart was pounding. She didn't have the slightest hint as to where the conversation was headed.

"I have to show you something," he patted the couch material between his legs, and she moved towards him.

Rachel let her back fall against his chest. She could hear his heart beating and feel the warmth of his skin.

Jay wrapped his arms around her, bringing the bundle in front of her face.

He flipped the front cover. Inside were a series of images. It was a photo album.

She hesitated. "Jay, what are you doing? I don't know if I'm ready to see…"

"Hey, it's okay we don't have to look through them all if you don't want to," He held the album in one hand and wrapped the other arm around her. "I just have to show you someone."

"Oh, okay." She nodded and watched as he skipped to a further page in the book.

Jay stopped at a page with hospital photos, the majority of them fore fronted by a baby. _Olivia._ There were several images of the pair of them, a couple of Will but a lot more with an older guy.

There was something familiar yet unfamiliar about him. He was a tough looking guy, wrinkles around his eyes and a tiny amount of hair on his head. Jaw covered in a greying stubble. He had stern looking eyes, but all of that seemed to melt away when he looked at the baby.

"Jay, who's that man?" She quizzed.

He smiled sadly, knowing the consequences of her accident meant she didn't remember him.

"His name is Hank Voight," Jay replied. "And I need to tell you about him."

By the time he'd finished his long monologue, she was feeling emotional. She could feel tears forming in the corners of her eyes.

"So, you're telling me he's like my Dad? But not? But kinda?"

"Yeah, honey. I know it's a lot to put on you right now. But I feel like you needed to know because-"

"Because?"

"Because I think he could help us. He was the best Sergeant I knew before he retired. I know he doesn't work anymore, but I'm willing to bet everything that he'll do what it takes to help you. And it'll be an excuse for Olivia to see him again. And he can get to meet Freddie. And you-"

"And I can meet him again," she breathed.

"Baby, if we fly him out here he can not only help us get answers, but he can help with the kids. If Will and Tori head to Vancouver, we're going to need somebody here to watch them if we keep searching elsewhere for answers."

She nodded.

"And," he whispered. "He can be here whenever you and I need _adult_ time."

She slapped his chest.

He dropped the photos at the end of the couch and wrapped her into his arms. "If for some weird reason he didn't see our press conference, do you want me to tell him? You know, that you're still alive?"

She nodded into his chest. "I don't think it'll be good coming from me. If he still thinks I'm dead, and I talk to him over the phone-"

"Sure," Jay pressed his lips against her hair before moving. "I'll go and call."

Rachel retraced her steps to the kitchen, not wanting to intrude on the phone call.

 _Hank Voight_. Nope, she couldn't recall the name. But she hadn't expected too, because it had been the same with everybody else.

The images in there had touched more than a nerve. Jay had said he was practically like her _dad._ And it hurt that she couldn't remember something like that. It really did.

But she couldn't dwell on whatever she had lost. Jay was about to call him right now, and she would be meeting him again soon.

* * *

"He's here, he's here!" Olivia rushed down the stairs, taking two at a time. Jay was slightly concerned that she was about to fall over, relief washing over him when she hit the bottom step.

She'd been excited for the majority of the week, but Jay had never seen her emit _this_ much happiness. He couldn't blame her though: Olivia hadn't seen 'Grandpa' Voight for a good few years. It would be good for them to be reunited.

Freddie ran from the lounge when he heard the commotion from his sister in the hallway. She turned to him when she caught sight of the little boy.

"Freddie, you're going to _love_ Grandpa Hank! He takes me for the best ice cream and he gives the best Christmas presents!"

His eyes grew wide with excitement and confusion at the same time. "Grandpa?"

Jay laughed. "Yeah Freddie, Grandpa." He turned back to Rachel, sensing her apprehension. She was hiding behind him in the hallway, standing in his shadow. "Hey, you're nervous. There's no need to be nervous."

She tried to register his words, but she could help the way she felt. Rachel nodded. Watched as Olivia opened the door. Watched as a pair of hands, dressed to the wrist in a plaid shirt, wrapped around her daughter's back in an embrace.

"Grandpa!" she exclaimed. "I've missed you!"

"Not as much as I missed you, pumpkin! Did you get taller? Isn't it about time for you to stop growing yet?"

She rolled her eyes. "Grandpa, I'm only ten! I've got more growing to do!"

A groan came from outside of the door. "Well not much more! A couple of inches and you'll be taller than me? Now, are you going to let me in, or am I going to stand here all night?"

She opened the door wider and stepped to the side. In front of Hank was Freddie, standing with his mouth in a small 'o' staring at the man.

"Grandpa?" Freddie quizzed. "You're Grandpa?"

Hank extended an arm to the little boy. "Oh, you must be Freddie!" The little boy nodded. "Nice to meet you, little man!"

Freddie nodded, but just stared at the hand in front of his face. "Hi," he grinned.

Hank turned his attention to Halstead. "Hey, Jay. Thanks, uh, for the call."

"Sure," Jay shook his hand, moving to the door to bring in Hank's bags.

Him moving emptied the gap between Rachel and Hank, who immediately looked in her direction.

"Oh my God," he said quietly. "Oh my God."

She smiled. "Hi," her voice was shy.

"Hi," he repeated. "Can I hug you?" he asked.

She nodded and he moved closer to her, his arms wrapping around her shoulders. Rachel felt it to be a protective embrace, one she swore she'd saw before between Jay and Olivia.

When he backed off, Rachel saw his eyes were glistening. Nothing like the hard-man image Jay had created in her mind about him. Then again, she thought she was the same expression in Hank's photo with Olivia she'd seen.

"I can't believe it's you," one of his palms covered his mouth and then ran the length of his jaw and neck. " _Rachel_."

Her name rolled from his tongue easily, much easier she recalled than it had done with Jay. He still tried to avoid it she noticed, but she didn't really mind.

"Hank," she said back, nodding towards him.

The noise of the door closing and Jay bringing in the luggage distracted them.

"Guys follow me," Jay grabbed Freddie's hand, and nodded for Olivia to go into the lounge. "I think Mom and Grandpa Hank need some time together."

* * *

"You're sense of direction is shit," Will complained from the passenger seat of the SUV. "Seriously Tori, we've been driving around for an hour!"

Tori shot him a shut-up-or-else look. She definitely recalled sleeping with him, but didn't remember him being _this_ annoying. The fact he'd changed up his own work plans so he could accompany her on _hers_ was slightly annoying. Not only was he now seated beside her as they searched for Xavier McMorrison's home in the Vancouver suburbs, but this was the first time he'd complained.

Her pulse picked up speed and her hands grew sweaty on the driver's wheel.

"Tell you what," she replied. "If I find it in the next ten minutes, I have the right to do some shopping before we head home. If I don't-"

He didn't let her finish. "Fine by me. I'll just hang at the hotel."

"We aren't staying at a hotel, Will."

"Oh, don't remind me. I'm already bitter about that. My plans to seduce the _hell_ out of you keep getting shot to shit."

 _Seduce the hell out of her?_ She was in serious trouble with this one.

"So you'll not come shopping with me?"

"I'd rather die a slow and agonizing death, thank you very much."

She couldn't help it, she laughed.

"Come on Will, it's only an hour of your time. Just an hour or so of male torture. Trust me, you'll love it."

"Oh God, kill me now. _Wait_. Do they have a lingerie store?"

Her stomach did flips. "Probably."

"Ooooh," Will laughed, staring from the window. She could practically read his inappropriate thoughts.

"Oh look Will, since I found the house I guess that hour is _mine._ "

He laughed as they walked up the front steps and rang the doorbell. Tori flipped her hair back and straightened her jacket.

"Let me do the talking," she said. "We don't need to scare Xavier McMorrison off straight away."

"Hey, I'm not scary what are you talking abo- God, what is that smell?" He brushed a hand up to his nose.

"I have no idea," she leaned a hand against the glass, attempting to peek inside a window. Newspapers lay across a coffee table. A funny colored comforter lay across one arm of the couch. A half-eaten slice of pizza on a dusty paper plate.

In fact, there was dust on most of the items in the lounge. From what Tori could see, anyway.

An unopened suitcase pushed up against one wall.

"Doesn't look like anybody's home," she uttered.

Tori raced down the front steps. She had an uneasy feeling about something.

"Where are you going?" Will asked, following in her direction.

Tori ducked under a bush and pushed the gate open, giving them access to the back yard.

"Tori, the New York doctor was found in his pool."

"Shit, back up. I have a bad feeling about this." She rounded the corner of the house before Will could stop her.

The strong odor was stronger in the back yard.

Her eyes widened when she saw the body, feet sticking out of some bushes near the other end of the garden.

"So do I," she swallowed.

"Oh, fuck." Will stepped in front of her, blocking her view at the same time she turned around and threw up the contents of her stomach all over the gravel.

* * *

"Honestly, he'd been acting weird all day, that's when I knew something was up." Hank paused to take a mouthful of his coffee. "But I never expected him to ask me if he could marry you…"

Jay watched his wife's reaction as Voight continued his tales. Her apprehension of meeting Hank had slowly faded as the evening wore on. They were seated at his table, Olivia sitting there (although her attention was focused on her cell phone) and Freddie was in bed.

He'd thought several times about interrupting, not sure how she would handle the retelling of memories from before. But, Rachel had looked thoroughly interested so he decided against it.

"Of course, he didn't _actually_ ask me at first. It came out in a sort of word vomit, him blabbing about how much he wanted to be with you, how much he wanted to make you happy but wanting to keep his job at the same time. Of course, I was way past the point of contemplating firing him for dating you. I could see it in his face how much this meant to him."

She glanced over at Jay, seeing the color rise up his cheeks.

"Wait, you were actually going to fire him if he dated me?" Her eyes darted to Jay again. "You could have lost your job, because you wanted to be with me?"

He laughed. "It would have totally been worth it." He winked.

Her heart thumped in her chest.

When she looked at him with such an intensity in her emotion-filled eyes, he wanted to just wrap his arms around her and lose himself in her soul. Since her father figure, and one of their children, were around the table he decided it probably wasn't the best time to do so. He'd save it for later, when they were alone.

Their conversation was interrupted by Olivia's cell tone.

"Who the hell is ringing you at this time of night?" Jay frowned.

"Relax Dad, it's Uncle Will." She rolled her eyes. "Hey Uncle Will….Yeah, he's right here….Dad, he wants to talk to you."

"Hey," Jay took the cell from her. "You still in Vancouver?... _shit._ " He cussed again under his breath, pissed at himself for using foul language in front of Olivia. He didn't usually like to do that.

Rachel mouthed questions at him, but he shook his head. "Livi, go to bed."

The look on Jay's face told her not to argue. She said her goodbyes and climbed the stairs. "Bring my phone to me when you're finished!"

Jay stood to close the kitchen door, then put the call on speakerphone. "Okay Will, you're on speaker. What's going on?" he leaned both palms on the table, resting his weight on his arms.

"We found Xavier McMorrison."

"And?"

"And he's dead."

Rachel exhaled deeply. The color drained from her face.

Jay moved to stand behind her, a hand moving to squeeze her shoulder. "And the Cops up there have no idea what happened?"

"No," Will replied. "To me though, looks like he was hit over the head with something. Autopsy isn't until tomorrow."

Rachel leaned back into Jay's torso.

"Also," Will continued. "Looks like he's only been up here for a few days. His suitcase is still packed, passport shows he came through customs not long ago." A pause, so long it was almost theatrical. "He has a copy of the paper with a picture of you two at the press conference."

"Shit," Jay muttered. "You guys need to come home."

"We should be on a flight home tonight. I think they want to ask us a few more questions, because we called it in but I just wanted to give you aa heads up."

"Thanks," Jay nodded. "Stay safe coming home."

"Will do. I'll let you know when I know more."

The line clicked dead. Without waiting, Jay pulled Rachel from where she was sitting and into his arms. There was a lot of tension radiating from her body. Her face pressed against his chest, her hands against his biceps. His skin tingled for a minute, until they remembered they weren't alone.

"Okay, would one of you like to tell me what the hell is going on?"

 **Please Review!**


	11. Chapter 11

"Alright, let me get the straight." Hank propped his head up with his hands, his elbows on the table. "You're telling me this guy took you, pretended to be your husband, gave you cancer drugs when you weren't sick, and used you for his experiments? The volume in his voice continued to grow with each statement. "Who the fuck _is_ this guy?"

Jay rubbed his temples. "That's what we're trying to figure out. In a way, that's why I called you. There's so many twists and turns to what E- to what _Rachel_ has been through-"

"Well, we aren't going to do anything about it tonight. If you don't mind, I'll retire to the bedroom I think. It's been a long day." Hank stood from the table, and smiled at them both. "You know, we'll get to the bottom of this." Then he walked from the room, his footfall on the stairs making the floor-boards creak.

Jay pulled her hand towards his, causing her to stand and fall into his grip. He wrapped his arms around her again, in a protective embrace like they'd sat in the lounge. It took her a second, but her tense body seemed to calm under his grip.

Resting his chin on her hair, he closed his eyes. How could he be the one to explain any of this to her when he still didn't know what was really happening? When he didn't know yet, who was behind it?

If she knew what he suspected, he was afraid she'd run. And he couldn't let her do that. Not until he knew how she _really_ felt about him.

They were continuing to grow closer. She _felt_ something for him. Something he hoped- was love.

He needed to tell her what he knew, and soon. But, he couldn't risk it yet. Plus, he wanted more answers first.

"I don't know what to do about this anymore," he spoke softly.

The pain in her voice tore at him. "I'm not going to let anything happen to you."

She pulled his arms down to her waist so she could free her own. Then she ran both hands through her hair. "I never liked Xavier. He was _never_ nice to Freddie. I didn't know why, but now I know it was because he knew Freddie wasn't his grandson. But still… him being dead…" Her voice broke.

"Hey, it's okay." Though her back was to him, one of his hands travelled to the side of her face and she leaned into it. "This is not your fault."

In his heart, he hoped to God it wasn't his fault either.

" _I'm_ the link. I need to go."

His arms tightened. "No way."

"Jay, I don't want anything to happen to you, or the children because of me."

The muscles in his chest hurt. "If you walk out on me right now, you know fine well I'll find you and bring you back to me."

She closed her eyes, even though he couldn't see her face. "Jay, I don't think this is ever going to work."

"Don't you dare pull that on me again, either."

She took a deep breath. "I don't know _what_ to think or feel about you. When I'm with you, I feel like I've known you my whole life. Then reality hits me, and I realize how crazy this whole thing is." Rachel tugged at his arms so he loosened them and she turned in his lap to face him. "Jay, a few days ago you couldn't even stand to be in the same room as me."

He took one of her hands in his own and intertwined their fingers. The other lifted her chin so she was made to look at him. "That's not true. I wanted to be close to you so much it hurt, and I didn't know how to get there."

Jay watched as her pupils grew to twice their size. He drew her nearer and continued. "And you _do_ know me. Your body does. Your heart does. It's just that head of yours that's being so damn stubborn." He laughed. "It always was," he added playfully. "That's nothing new."

He ran his free hand up and down her arm, his touch sending shivers through her body. Jay's lips brushed against her temple. _She honestly had no idea what he'd do for her_.

"This is happening _way_ too fast for me. I don't know how to control how I'm feeling, Jay. I'm scared," she whispered.

 _Scared._ Scared was good. It meant what she was feeling was real. And there was hope.

Jay slid both of his hands around her waist again, and she leaned back to rest her head between his neck and collarbone.

"Baby, you've never been able to control it. Neither have I. What's happening between us started a long time ago. You can't stop it any more than I can."

When her fingers came to rest along his jawline, he turned his head towards her and grazed her lips with his own. The soft moan that left her throat made his stomach muscles clench, made his heart feel like it was soaring.

He wasn't about to let her walk away until he knew if she loved him even a fraction as much as he loved her.

And, by then, he hoped she'd never want to leave. No matter what.

* * *

The first rays of the morning sun shone through the open window of the master bedroom. The curtains blew in the gentle breeze.

Rachel wiped her sleepy eyes and squinted towards the clock. Seeing the numbers, she blinked twice and sat up, scrambling over Jay for her bathrobe she'd dropped on his side of the bed last night.

Before she grabbed it, Jay rolled over causing her to be trapped under his muscly arm. "Don't get up yet," he groaned.

She wriggled her way from under his grip and pinched at the material of the bathrobe, draping it over her shoulders. "You said you'd wake me before morning!"

A naughty smile twisted the sides of his mouth upwards. "You looked too peaceful to wake." He eased himself up onto his elbows. "Come back to bed."

"Not a chance," She pulled the robe tight around her waist.

Jay sat up and threw his legs from the bed. He grabbed her before she could get away, nuzzling against her and fighting to open the robe fastening.

"Hey, cut it out!" She hissed. "I should get back to the other bedroom before anybody wakes up."

"Who's going to care? Hank isn't going to care. You're my _wife_."

She tried to make it through the door, but he followed and pushed a hand there before she had the opportunity to open it.

Her skin tingled with his words and she turned, trapped between his tempting (very naked) body and the door. Her insides quivered as his lips brushed against her ear and he repeated his words.

"You're…my… _wife_."

Electrifying sensations ran through her entire body. There was no reasoning with him when he had _that_ look in his eye. She swallowed hard, fighting back any arousal rising up her.

"Okay then, I don't need Olivia knowing I was in here all night. She's still not sure of me yet. I have to change that, before… before she knows about this."

His arm came around her waist, and he pressed her back against the door. She felt his erection when he pushed himself against her; felt her whole body tighten with anticipation, in response to his movements.

"Well she's just going to have to get used to it."

Rachel's eyes slid shut when his mouth nibbled against her jaw. Oh, _fuck_. If he kept that up, she was never going to leave. All she wanted to do was let him drag her back to the bed and repeat every hot, X-rated thing they'd done to each other when they'd eventually made it to bed last night.

But, she couldn't. Because there was too much at stake in the daylight, especially when they had guests in the house.

She took a long deep break and shoved at his chest. When he stumbled back a step, she yanked at the door before he could stop her. "Later, Halstead."

The sound of his laughter followed her into the upstairs hallway.

To her surprise, Hank was already in the kitchen when she got there. She jumped when she saw him sitting at the table.

He'd already brewed himself a coffee, and she moved to the machine to make herself one.

"Good morning," Hank raised both his eyebrow and coffee mug simultaneously.

"Morning," she smiled. "Did you sleep okay?"

"Like a baby," he laughed. "I think it's all that travelling.

"Yeah," she nodded. Then she joined him at the table. He'd helped himself to breakfast, but luckily made enough for everybody else too. She wondered if it was a normal thing for him to do so, would be usually help himself to the food? Had that been a thing before?

"Rachel, Jay told me you were having a little trouble with Olivia?" He asked, lowering his mug onto the table.

She made a mental note to tell Jay about what discussions he had about her behind her back. She shifted in the chair, eyeing up the toast Hank had prepared. "I guess you could say that. This isn't easy on her though, I guess."

"No, I don't imagine it is. She was pretty young when you left. It was hard on both of them."

Curiosity got the better of her, and she bit down on a slice of toast whilst thinking. She knew Hank had obviously been a major part of their lives before she'd disappeared. "Did Olivia and I get along?"

"Of course you did," Hank smiled. "You two were so close. Rachel, Liv isn't upset with you. Understand that. I think she's just afraid of going through all that again." Hank watched as her brow furrowed. "Things were pretty hard for her. Pretty hard for them _both_. Jay didn't handle your disappearance very well at all."

"What do you mean?" She took a sip of coffee, the liquid burning the back of her throat.

"He loved you in all senses of the word. Losing you, it _broke_ him. Especially at work, he walked around in a daze for a good two years. I don't think he would have made it through without Liv."

Rachel closed her eyes. If she wasn't already falling for Jay Halstead, that one statement would have pushed her over the edge.

"I think Olivia is afraid of what will happen to him, if you don't decide to stay."

She realized Hank seemed much more in the know than she thought. _How much had Jay told him over the phone call?_

"I think…I don't know what's going to happen there. I can't make any promises either way. Jay and I….We haven't made any decisions," _Well_ she thought _Jay has, I just have to make mine_. "But I'll always be here for Olivia. That will never change. I need to make sure she knows that."

"Fate is a strange thing, E- _Rachel_." He slipped, praying she didn't notice. Even though she wasn't the same person he'd last seen five years ago, to him she was still the same. She hadn't changed much at all. She still drank with a coffee cup in her left hand, still licked butter from the toast before actually eating it. "Somehow you made your way back here to Jay and Olivia. There's a reason for that."

Hank's words were still hanging in the air when Freddie ran into the kitchen, closely followed by Jay.

Freddie frowned. "You're up early, Mama!" He climbed onto her knee.

"I couldn't sleep, baby. Did you have a good sleep?"

The little boy nodded, his eyes darting to the food in the middle of the table. "Grandpa, did you make me toast? Yummy!" His chubby fingers reached into the center and grabbed a slice, the butter spreading wide across his face as he took a bite.

Rachel sat her son on the table, walking over to drop her empty coffee cup into the sink. He immediately began an in-depth conversation with Hank about what he'd dreamt about last night.

"So, you didn't get caught by Livi then?" Jay whispered, leaning closer than he needed to and reaching for coffee himself.

"No, I didn't. You're lucky," she smirked.

"That I am," he nodded, taking a large gulp of the brown liquid. "But I'm also tired of hiding this. I'll have a chat with Liv later today."

"Don't do that."

He frowned. "Why not?"

Rachel boosted herself to sit on one of the kitchen counters, where she was just about level with him height-wise. It was easier to get lost in his emerald irises. "I can't have her getting hurt again."

The creases of his brow softened and he gazed into her eyes. "Then don't give her any reason to get hurt." He took a step closer to her. "Move in with us."

Rachel's eyes widened. That wasn't the response she'd expected. "What?"

"Olivia needs time with you. I need time with my son. We _all_ need a chance to get to know each other again. Driving back and forth between your place and mine won't do anything for that."

"Jay, you're _crazy_. I can't just _move_ in with you! Shit, it's only been a week."

"But a week feels like a lifetime now," His tongue ran along his lower lip. "I want you in my house. I'll even put up with you in the guest room if that's what you want."

Air clogged in her lungs. "Is that what _you_ want?"

"Shit, no. I want you in _my_ bed. Every night. But I'm not going to push you."

A relief flowed through her, insane thoughts that maybe he wasn't lying. "Please, you've been pushing me from the start." She leaned towards him, feeling the curl of a smile forming on his lips.

He kissed her, the smallest and quietest touch so they wouldn't disturb the other conversation in the room. "Okay, I guess maybe I have. Please tell me you'll at least think about it."

Rachel wrapped her arms around his shoulders. _How could she fight him on this, when deep down she knew it was what she wanted?_ "Okay, I'll think about it."

His hands went to her waist. "Oh, thank God."

Held in his arms, she almost believed they could fully make this work.

She quickly jumped from his embrace, walking towards the table and grabbing another slice of toast.

"Did your brother say what time they were getting back?"

"I think they should be back in Chicago in about an hour or so, if their flight was smooth. I'll check," he pulled out his cell phone, his eyes scanning the screen. "Yep, landing soon." He nodded.

Jay walked over to where Freddie was sitting. "Daddy is going to call into work today, did you want to come?"

The little boy nodded excitedly. "Yes Daddy, please!" He clapped his hands together. "Is Grandpa going to come too?" He turned.

"Oh, I think I'd like that. It'd be nice to visit again, see what your Daddy has done with the place," Hank laughed. He wiped his mouth free from toast crumbs and stood. "Grandpa will go and get ready." He walked from the kitchen, back up to the bedroom they'd set for him.

"What about you, Momma? Are you going to come as well?" Freddie grinned, flashing to Rachel his tiny row of teeth.

"Actually," she flashed a glance at Jay. "I think Mommy might spend some time with Olivia."

"Yeah?" Jay frowned.

"I was thinking, maybe I could take her shopping." Rachel shrugged.

Her husband's frown deepened. "I don't want you out there alone right now."

"Jay, a few hours of shopping downtown isn't going to kill us. There will be crowds of people. I promise I won't take her anywhere dangerous." She saw the hesitation in his eyes. "You can't keep me cooped up in here like a prisoner, you know."

He had an uneasy expression on his face. "Okay, well I'm going to the District anyway. I can get Paul from security to go with you."

She shot him a look. "No way. I don't need someone from your security team hovering over me while I try to reconnect with my daughter. That will just make things worse."

"But-"

She sighed. "But I know you'll worry about me," She said, seeing the persistence in his eyes. "How about a compromise. I'll call you to check in. If it'll ease your mind."

He frowned. "Every hour."

She raised her eyebrows. "Okay, every hour. Do you want a list of where we're going too?" She flashed a grin. When his scowl deepened, she swayed to his side and kissed him. "I'm going to go shower, what time does Liv usually wake?"

"She'll be awake soon." His tone was still tart, and Rachel knew he wasn't exactly happy about her being out of his grip for so long. She nodded and walked through the room, but knew his eyes were still on her as she headed up the stairs.

His gaze lay on her until he disappeared out of sight. Then his attention focused to the little boy. "Ready for your bath, Freddie?"

* * *

"How about this one?" Rachel held up a pink colored sweater.

"Pink? I don't like pink," Olivia replied, her eyes flitting between the clothes rail and her mother. She pulled out a frayed, T-shirt that looked as though it had been through a ringer. "I like this, though." She held the garment out to Rachel.

An inappropriate slogan lay across the front, Rachel wasn't even sure Olivia knew what it meant. _Hopefully she doesn't_ she thought.

"Hmm, I don't think so."

"What, why not?" Olivia huffed.

"Because you're _ten_. And you can't wear that to school. And your dad would kill me if I bought that for you."

"That shows how much _you_ know. Dad sends me to a private school because he wants the best for me. We wear a uniform."

She stood staring at her daughter. Rachel realized the truth in Olivia's words: _Shows how much you know_. That was the problem, Olivia had hit the nail on its head. She didn't know a lot when it came to Olivia. As a matter of fact, she didn't know anything.

She was familiar with what Freddie was like as a four-year-old, but had absolutely no recollection of her relationship with Olivia when she'd been that age. And that fucking sucked.

Feeling like a failure, she followed Olivia out of the store. They climbed into Jay's Jeep and she waited for the motor to hum to life. After she'd texted Jay for the hundredth time to give an update on their location, Rachel pulled into the mid-afternoon traffic. Olivia and herself had spent most of the day shopping, but they hadn't purchased a single thing. Thoughts ran through her mind as she drove: _was it possible the little excursion had done more damage to their relationship, rather than helping it?_

Rachel rubbed her aching head.

"Where are we going?" Olivia asked, noticing they were still on the highway instead of turning off to Jay's place.

Rachel changed lanes. "I need to run out to my house and pick up a few things." Which was true, if she was keeping up staying at Jay's, she was running out of clothes. And she needed some things for Freddie too.

Olivia rolled her eyes and stared out of the window. "Couldn't you have dropped me home first?" She leaned back in the passenger seat. "So you're still planning on staying at our house?"

Rachel hesitated. "Didn't your dad talk to you this morning?"

"He did," Olivia's arms folded across her chest. "I know he wants you in the house, but why are you going along with it? You know you really don't want to be there, do you?"

She gripped the driving wheel. "I _do_ want to be there, Olivia. Your dad and I think spending time as a family will benefit all of us."

"As a family? But that's not going to last, not before you leave us again." She turned so Rachel couldn't see her face.

Rachel took deep breaths, knowing Olivia was still hurting. "What's it going to take, Liv? I've been trying my _hardest_ to get to know you, but you keep pushing me back. What do I have to do to prove that I'm not going to leave again? That I want a chance to get to know you?"

The girl still avoided eye contact. "You should stop seeing my dad,"

"What?" She swerved a corner, her fingers wrapped even tighter around the wheel.

"You should stop seeing my dad," she repeated. "Do you even love him? I don't think you do. The longer you stay, the worse it's going to be when you leave again. You have no idea what my dad was like when you left. I don't want to go through that again!"

Rachel's chest ached with a new fierceness she'd never experienced before. She wanted so badly to reach out to Olivia, to comfort some of the raging anger erupting from her body. But she didn't know how. Hearing the words from her daughter's mouth reinforced her Rachel's fears.

What would happen with Olivia if this relationship didn't work out? She couldn't put Olivia through that a second time. And what about Freddie? He was falling for his Dad in a _big_ way. If she moved in with Jay like he wanted, and then eventually left, it would kill Freddie's spirit.

 _You should stop seeing my dad. Do you even love him_?

That was the ultimate question. She was wildly attracted to Jay, felt a deep connection between the two but was that love?

What she felt for Jay was stronger than anything she'd ever felt before. She knew that, and she could admit that. Her heart told her it was love, but her mind questioned her judgement. After all, she'd been _so_ wrong about Dan. She didn't want to make another horrible mistake. Acting on impulse would only make things worse. She had to be _sure_.

She whipped the car around the next corner, it jolted forward much faster than she realized. Rachel temporarily forget she wasn't driving her own car, Jay's was much more high-tech than hers. She eased her foot onto the brake.

Nothing happened.

Confusion ran through her and she pressed it again. When the car still didn't slow, she pumped the brake. Instead of slowing, they seemed to pick up speed down the hill.

Fear prickled at her skin. She tried to keep her voice calm.

"Livi," she used Jay's nickname for their daughter. "Livi, climb into the backseat. Put your seat-belt on and-"

"Why?"

"Please listen to me! The brakes aren't working. Get in the back! Snap your seat-belt and hold on. Please do it!"

Olivia's eyes grew wide. Without saying another word, she climbed into the rear.

Rachel's mind raced as she recalled the road towards her house. Ahead, there were some curves followed by a further downhill. That would inevitably speed them up, then they would come to a steady incline with a curve at the top. If she could keep the car under control until they reached the slope, they had a chance.

She pulled on the emergency brake, but nothing happened.

Her heart raced and she glanced down the dash-board. A quarter of tank of gas- they weren't going to run out in time. She swallowed the fear rising in her throat.

"Liv, my purse is in the back-seat. Find my cell. Call 911."

Olivia fumbled through the contents of Rachel's purse. "Can't you just turn the car off?"

"I can't do that. The steering will lock if I do. I'm gonna try and downshift. Hold on, it's going to jolt."

Rachel held the wheel with one hand and shifted the automatic transmission into third. Sweat trickled down her back, but the shift was smooth and only slowed them slightly.

She was already into a curve, trying as hard as she could to keep the car on the road. She downshifted again when the road straightened. The car bucked a little.

They slowed a bit, enough to make the next two turns. Rachel tightened her grip on the wheel.

She was vaguely aware of Olivia's muffled voice drifting to the front of the car as she spoke to the 911 operator in a tone of panic.

 _They weren't going to die like this_. Rachel drew in a breath: she wasn't going to let them die like this.

Jay's car picked up speed, whipped around the next bend. A soft sob tore from Olivia's mouth as her body slid against the side of the car. Rachel downshifted one more time into first, sending them rocketing forward.

Rachel's hands were wet with sweat when she made the next turn, and the car whipped across the road, the tires skidding across gravel. Olivia screamed. Rachel's muscles tensed but she managed to straighten out the car. It slowed a considerable amount.

Optimism settled over her for the first time since realizing the brakes were out.

Then her eyes caught the last turn coming up.

 _Oh, fuck_. They weren't going to make it. She glanced down, checking their speed. They were still going too fast. She had miscalculated the number of turns. By now, they should be on the rise.

But they weren't.

The road veered off sharply to the left. Ahead and to the right, the hill dropped thirty feet or so to the bay. If she tried to make the turn, they'd roll. She _knew_ it. They'd roll down the embankment and most likely die.

She realized she had only a split second to make a decision.

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	12. Chapter 12

"Olivia, hold on!"

Rachel revved the engine. The car sailed from the hill towards the water. Olivia screamed again in the back-seat, and for one terrifying moment it was as if they were flying.

The car hit the water hard, the airbag flying free from its hiding place. Rachel's head smashed forward and back, hitting something hard. Jay's car seemed to bob for a few moments before it took in water and the weight of the engine started to pull them down.

Freezing water seeping at her feet brought Rachel to sudden consciousness. Her head was _pounding_. Every muscle in her ached. With panicking fingers, she unbuckled her seat-belt and swore frantically when she couldn't find the strength to get out of it straight away.

They weren't dead. _They weren't dead._

"Olivia!" Rachel tried to shake the fuzziness from her mind. She eventually heard the familiar click of her seat-belt opening and climbed into the back-seat, where her daughters head lay against the window. Her eyes were closed. "No, no, no, _no_!"

Olivia's head moved to the side, and her eyes opened slowly. "What… what happened?"

Rachel swore again under her breath. "Oh, thank _God_ ," she exclaimed. "Come on, we have to get out of here."

She pushed against the rear door and tried the windows. Neither would budge. She shifted back to the front seat as the water continued to spill into the vehicle. Alas, the front windows were stuck as well.

 _Fucking brilliant._ She wanted to panic, but she couldn't. Because that would make Olivia panic more.

"They won't open. They won't open!" Olivia screamed.

Using her foot, Rachel tried to bust against the front windshield, but it wouldn't move.

Dark fuzzy spots in her sight tried to draw her down. Rachel shook her head, blinked and forced herself to stay awake. She was already having trouble thinking and seeing clearly. Everything in front of her was blurry.

"Okay, just relax Livi. Listen to me." Rachel grasped hold of her daughter's shoulders as the ice-cold water reached around their stomach. "Listen. We have to wait for the water to fill the car. Once it does, the pressure will equal out. We can't open the doors right now because there's too much pressure on the outside. Once the car fills, the doors will open."

"No they won't!" Olivia panicked, holding an arm against her chest. "We're going to drown!"

"Listen to _me_." She stared into her daughter's eyes. "They will. Trust me. Don't panic, Livi."

"I'm scared," Olivia whispered, grabbing hold of Rachel's hand.

"I know," she squeezed on Olivia's grip. "It's okay. We're not going to die in here, you hear me?" Olivia nodded as the car continued to fill. "We're going to make it. Think good thoughts, okay? Think about your Dad and Freddie and whatever you want to do tomorrow. Okay? We can do whatever you want."

Rachel's vision blurred again, and she shook her head to clear it.

She _had_ to stay awake. She _had_ to stay coherent.

When the water level reached around their necks, Olivia's fingers tightened around Rachel's.

"Just a little more," Rachel murmured, lifting her chin. She took one last deep breath, motioned for Olivia to do the same and then tried the door again. When it didn't budge, her heart dropped.

The icy water felt like it was choking her already, fear rising up her entire body.

 _Don't panic. Try again._

This time, she put her back into it. With a huge thrust of her body, the driver's side of the door opened. She grasped Olivia's hand and pulled her from the sinking vehicle. Light flickered at the surface above. Rachel kicked as hard as she could.

They broke the surface together, gasping for air. Rachel treaded water, gripped Olivia's shoulders and checked her face for signs that she was hurt.

"You're okay," she breathed. "We're okay."

Olivia spat out water and tried to take deep breaths.

"Can you swim?" Rachel asked.

"Duh," Olivia nodded her head shakily. She tried to kick for land, but couldn't find any. Rachel wrapped an arm around her when she realized Olivia was having trouble.

Waves lapped at the shore of the bay. Crashes of water pounded rocks on the other side of the spit. Rachel's energy was rapidly waning as she dragged Olivia out of the water.

Sirens blared in the distance. Very distant, but she could hear them. Rachel dropped to her knees next to Olivia and sucked in a large amount of air. Water dripped all around her, sending shivers up and down her spine, but all she could focus on was her daughter.

Olivia lay on her back, her eyes shut, her chest fighting for air as she still cradled an arm against herself.

Rachel grabbed her other hand. "Stay with me. Hold on, can you hear that? The sirens? They found us."

Relief bubbled through Rachel's veins when voices echoed from the road above them.

 _Help. They'd made it._

Olivia's hand slipped out of hers.

Rachel glanced don't right away only to realize Oliva wasn't moving anymore.

* * *

Hurling bills at the cab driver, Jay sprinted from the yellow taxi. He didn't have the time for the cab to make it to the other side of the building, his legs would take him faster.

The automatic emergency room doors opened and he dashed into the reception area.

A woman holding a sick baby stood in line at the front desk, rocking back and forth. A man with a blood-stained bandage draped over his hands was behind her.

Jay pushed his way to the front of the line.

"You're just going to have to wait your turn." The receptionist sent him a fatal glare.

Fear clenched an icy hand around his heart. "My wife and daughter were in a car accident."

The receptionist's face softened. "Last name?"

"Halstead," he shook his head. "And Wilson."

Time seemed to tick by second after miserable second while the old lady checked her computer. _Fucking hurry up_ he wanted to shout. But that wouldn't make her help him more.

The baby behind him screamed. Jay raked a shaky and frustrated hand through his hand and was almost ready to climb over the desk and look himself when the receptionist finally spoke.

"Room eleven. Go through the double doors-"

Not giving her time to finish, he turned and waited impatiently for her to buzz him through. Pungent institutional cleaners cut through the hallway air. A crash cart was pushed up against one wall. Medical staff chatted around the nurse's station.

Bile rose in his throat as he checked doors, desperately searching for room eleven. When he finally found it, the muscles in his chest tightened and he whipped around, heading for the nurse's station.

A small blond intern leaning against the counter looked up. "Can I help you, sir?

"Room eleven is empty," panic made his voice crack.

The blond girl looked over at a woman with black hair in hospital scrubs, seated behind the counter. "Didn't they take her up to surgery?"

 _Fuck, surgery?_ His mind was already in overdrive. _No, no, no._ Jay caught his breath.

The one with black hair checked a chart. "I think so. Car accident, right?"

"Where?"

"Uhm, hang on. Let me see." She continued to flip papers on the chart.

 _For God's sake, couldn't they see he was_ dying _here?!_

"Wait," the darker haired woman spoke again. "That was the woman in ten. Eleven's in X-ray."

 _Jesus fucking Christ, did they take classes on how to torture family members here or something?_

"Where's that?" He practically screamed.

The blond intern pointed down the hall. "Take the first right, go all the way to the end and turn left. You can't miss it."

He was already sprinting the length of the hall before she'd finished talking.

The air choked in his throat when he rounded the last corner. Rachel was seated on a chair in the hallway, bent at the waist with her head in her hands.

"Oh my God, baby." He dragged her out of the chair and pulled her tight against him. His heart thumped out of control when she slid a hand around the back of him.

Grasping her face with both hands, he pulled back enough to look down. Her eyes were red and bloodshot, her cheeks stained with her tears. A rectangular bandage covered a wound above her eyebrow.

He swallowed, his eyes locking on the bandage. "Are you-"

"I'm okay," she said, taking a grip on his elbows. "It's just a scratch. I hit my head. I'm okay."

Her voice was weak, but her eyes were steady. On a relieved sign, he wrapped his arms around her again and pulled her close. "Thank _God_."

She wasn't hurt. But, she was alone. Reality set in, followed by a gut wrenching jolt of fear.

"Where's Olivia?"

Tears filled her eyes. "She's in X-ray. Jay, I told her to get in the back seat. I thought she'd be safer there-"

He took a calming breath, panicking was only going to make _her_ panic more. Air filled his lungs. X-rays were no big deal. CAT scans, MRI's… those were things to worry about. "You did the right thing." He ran his fingers down her back. "Tell me what happened."

She took a shaky breath and nodded. "The brakes weren't working. I…I didn't notice until we were on the highway. I wanted to get a few things from the house. I didn't…think…anything would happen."

"It's alright. I'm just thankful you're both okay."

Jay pulled her tight again, drew in a breath of her scent. When the call had reached the District about the accident, his heart had all but stopped. Losing them was _not_ an option.

"Jay, your car," she said into his shoulder.

"You think I'm worried about my goddamn car?! That's the last thing on my mind."

"Oh good," he felt her breathing against him. "Because I think the interior's ruined."

 _She was cracking fucking jokes._ He'd almost had a heart attack at the thought of losing her again, and she was cracking fucking jokes.

He held on tight, rocking her back and forth to comfort her. Tried like hell to steady his racing pulse. Failed. "Keeping you locked in my house is looking more appealing."

She peeled her face from his shoulder. "You don't think this was an accident?" she asked quietly.

Jay didn't want to worry her more than she already was. Swallowing his fear, he pushed back from her and brushed a wet curl from her face. "I think it was a bad car. I never should have let Izzy talk me into getting it."

They stood soundlessly in the corridor for a few moments. Then the door behind then opened, and they both turned as a nurse wheeled Olivia out. .

Jay let go of Rachel and stepped up to the side of the bed.

Olivia's face as bruised, her right arm wrapped in towels and her whole body personified exhaustion. "Dad."

"Hey, Livi." He ran a hand over her hair, fighting back panic at seeing his usually full-of-energy daughter so lethargic.

Her eyes closed. "I have a headache."

"I bet you do," he glanced towards the doctor and held his breath.

"Broken arm," he said, lifting the X-ray. "There are bruised ribs but they're not broken, and she took a good knock on the head. But I think she's going to be fine."

"Thank you," Jay whispered. Relief poured through his insides. With a hand that was still shaking, he ran a hand through his daughter's hair again. "You think this is going to get you out of your chores?"

A sneaky grin twisted her lips. "Dad, I have to get a cast. I don't think I'm allowed to get it wet, or anything."

"That's right," the doctor said behind her. "You're on the injured list, Miss."

Jay rolled his eyes at them teaming up on him. He reached for Olivia's good hand and squeezed it. "I was scared for a second."

"I was scared too," she whispered. " _Mom_ drives a mean car.

The muscles in Jay's chest tightened when he looked into the depths of her hazel eyes, so much like her mother's. Hope sprang to life inside of him at the word she'd used. "She does?"

Olivia nodded. "Where is she?"

"I'm right here," Rachel said from behind where Jay was standing.

He moved to the side, making room at Olivia's bed side. With her hand still clutching her dad's, Olivia reached for Rachel, locking the three of them together.

"You didn't bring my brother?" Olivia's eyes searched the rest of the room. "Damn, Freddie was who I really wanted to see," she said cheekily.

"Hey, language! And he's with your Grandpa. You can see him when we get home."

"Oh, okay."

A puddle of warmth encircled Jay's fingers. He watched emotions flow over his wife as she looked down at Olivia, hands clasped together. This was what he wanted. Just _this_ for the rest of his life. His family.

There was a tightness in his chest, a tightness he'd never felt before.

He needed to tell Rachel what he suspected about her disappearance. If she found out before he had a chance to tell her himself, he wasn't sure what she would say or what she would do.

His eyes slid shut and he tightened his hold on them both.

 _A few more days_. If he didn't hear from his private investigator by then, he was going to tell her regardless.

No matter what though, it was his job to keep his family safe. For reasons he'd never understand, he'd been given a second chance. He wasn't about to blow that now.

* * *

"That's so cool!" Freddie exclaimed as he examined his big sister's cast. "I want one!"

Olivia laughed. "No you don't. It hurts so bad sometimes."

"But you look like Batman!" Freddie clapped.

Olivia frowned. "I do _not_ look like Batman!" She humored him. "I'd look like Batman if it was colored in, do you want to do it?"

"Oh, I can? Yay!" Freddie rushed from the room to retrieve his colors.

Rachel smiled, listening to the conversation from the other side of the room. She flipped a page, made a mark with her pen and rested her chin on her hand. Lifting her knees from where she was stretched out on the floor, she proper her elbow on her leg and continued to read.

Olivia shifted from the table and walked over to her. "What are you looking at?"

"An article for work," Rachel answered.

"What's it about?" Olivia's curiosity brought her head up. Her daughter's bruises had faded to yellow, but she was still obviously sore from the accident. Sometimes when she moved, she winced in pain and tried to hide it. At the moment, she was sitting at the table entertaining her little brother- which, Rachel was thankful for because it meant she could focus on what she was doing.

The fact that she even wanted to be in the same room with Rachel brought a smile to Rachel's lips.

"Bio-medic stem cells," Rachel raised her eyebrows. _No way would that interest Olivia._

"Uncle Will would probably like that article."

Rachel smiled. "Yeah, he probably would."

Olivia shuffled to the cabinet at the end of the room.

"Do you need something?" Rachel sat up to help her.

"No. I want to show you something."

With a sign, Rachel lifted her papers onto the coffee table. She waited. Olivia had opted to stay home with her today instead of going to a baseball game with Hank, instead of going shopping with Will and Tori. Jay was at the District for a few hours. It was just her, Olivia and Freddie.

That little fact made Rachel shift nervously on the floor. She was probably foolish for getting her hopes up that she and Olivia had finally found common ground. But she wanted to think that fact more than anything.

Olivia came back over to her and handed Rachel a magazine.

"What's this?"

"Page 32. _'Cop Shuts Down Fraud of Bio-Medics'._ " Moving slowly, Olivia sank into the couch as she waited for her brother. He was taking a while, obviously been distracted by something. She laid her cast across her middle. When Rachel lifted her eyebrows, Olivia shrugged. "I read it."

"You did?"

"The article is about my Mom. See for yourself."

Rachel swallowed as she looked down at the journal in her hand. Page 32, an image of her and captioned: Erin Lindsay.

"Dad always used to talk about it. He used to tell me it was one of the bravest things my Mom did."

"He did?" Tears stung Rachel's eyes. Had she really shut down this kind of fraud? "I wish I remembered."

Olivia was silent behind her. Then she spoke. "I remember quite a lot of things."

"You do?"

"Yeah. Dad helped me remember some. Like how you used to take me to the District and let me play on the computer. Or how you used to drag Dad on long walks. He never liked that."

Rachel laughed and glanced back to the journal. _Olivia had saved it all this time_. She'd memorized the title of it, even though she probably didn't understand what it meant. Now, she'd shared it. Emotions stirred inside of Rachel.

"Yeah, your Dad is a city boy, huh?"

A smile split Olivia's face. "That's what Uncle Will says too." Her smiled dropped a little. "Maybe we could start doing things together like we used to."

Hope welled inside of Rachel. More than anything, she wanted to bridge the gap between them, but she didn't want to do anything to cause Olivia to pull back. _This was a first step_. A big step. So, instead of reaching for her daughter and drawing her close like she really wanted to do, she flashed her an over-elaborate grin. "I'd like that very much."

The sound of the doorbell broke their eye contact and Olivia looked up.

"I thought Dad was at the District?"

"He is," Rachel answered, her brow furrowing. "I'll get it."

Two men dressed in suits stood on the other side of the door when Rachel pulled it open.

"Can I help you?" she asked.

The taller of the two men pulled ID from his breast pocket. "Ma'am. I'm Super Intendant Corson. This is Detective Peters. We're out-of-town PD. Are you Mrs Halstead?"

Rachel pushed the door open wider. _Out of town Detectives? Did Jay know they were here?_ Her tingling fingers gripped the door as fear ran the length of her spine. "Actually, the name is Wilson. What's this about?"

The second Detective's eyes narrowed. "I recognize you from the newspaper."

"That's right," the other one said, recognition flickering onto his expression. "The press conference. You're the woman who can't remember her past."

 _Jeez, weren't police officers supposed to offer empathy?_ She doubted they were here to chat about her picture in the tabloids. "What can I do for you? Does Jay know you're here?"

Detective Corson flashed a smile. "We have a few questions about your accident the other day." He ignored her second question.

The _accident_. Silly of her to be on edge so quickly. Stepping back, she gestured inside. "Come in."

Shoes clicked the floor behind her on the hardwood floor as the men followed Rachel into the lounge. Olivia sat up from her spot on the couch.

"Detectives, this is my- Olivia… my daughter." She'd said it so many times to herself, but still struggled to say it in front of other people. "Olivia' these men have a few questions about the accident."

Peters stepped closer to the couch. "That's a cool cast. They didn't have casts like that when I was a kid. You gonna color it in?"

"My little brother is," Olivia said bluntly.

"It'll be off before you know it," The Detective didn't seem to get that Olivia wasn't in the mood to talk with him. More to the point, she was confused as to why Detectives (that weren't her dad, or any of her dad's colleagues) were in her house. "How are you feeling?" he continued.

"Fine."

Detective Corson flipped out a notepad. "Ms Wilson, can you tell us where you went on Thursday?"

"I was here in the morning. We drove into the city. We parked at Jay's work and then Olivia and I walked downtown."

"How long were you away from the vehicle?" he asked, jotting down what she was saying.

"I'm not sure exactly. A few hours, maybe."

"Did Mr Halstead drive the vehicle after you left it at his place of work?"

"I don't think he did, no."

He continued to make notes. "Did Mr Halstead know you were driving his car?"

"Of course he did. He told me to take it instead of my own. He knew I was going to drive us home."

A nod from the police officer. "So he knew you'd be alone in the car?"

"I guess so," her eyes narrowed. She was reluctant to say too much, why hadn't Jay warned them they were gonna be questioned? She gulped; unless he didn't know?

Peters stepped next to Corson. "We're just following up on some conflicting information. Are you living here, Ms Wilson?"

Rachel's adrenaline jumped. "Not _exactly_. You've obviously read about me in the newspapers. We're taking time as a family to get to know each other again."

"Of course," Peters spoke. "How would you classify your relationship with Mr Halstead?"

"I don't know how to answer that." Nervous tension ran through her. These questions were so _vague_. "What does this have to do with my accident?"

"Are you aware of Mr Halstead's insurance company, and their complaints for him to repay the money he collected after you supposedly died?" Corson asked.

Her stomach clenched. _So this was why she'd been sent out-of-town officers: out of the situation, but not out of the loop._ "No. He didn't mention it."

"He probably didn't want to worry you. Do you know how much that claim was for, Ms Wilson?" When she shook her head, he raised his brow. "A million dollars."

Rachel's eyes widened before she could say anything.

"You know, that's a lot of money." She'd lost track of which officer was talking now, and she didn't really care. "Even for a man like Jay Halstead. Especially five years ago."

Rachel felt sick. She knew where this was going and turned towards her daughter. "Olivia, go upstairs with your brother."

Olivia got up slowly from the couch. "Mom-"

She ushered Olivia towards the stairs. "It's okay. I'll be upstairs in a minute." She waited until she heard the familiar creaking of the floorboards on the stairs before she spoke again. "If you're trying to imply that Jay had anything to do with my accident-"

"The brake line on his car was punctured," Peters said.

"What?"

"Four holes. Too evenly spaced to be from a rock or anything. We pulled the vehicle from the water this morning. You lucked out. If you'd gone in anywhere else along that highway, you'd have dropped right into the ocean and drowned before any help got there."

Rachel eased herself onto the arm of the couch. _Somebody had tampered with the car._

 _Somebody had intentionally tried to hurt her._ And Olivia in the process.

"It ould have taken a little while for the brake fluid to drip away, which is probably why the brakes didn't go out right away," Corson added. "Whoever punctured the line knew that."

"Ms Wilson, did you drive Mr Halstead's car on Tuesday morning?"

Rachel's brain was a mess of confusing thoughts. "No."

"Did Mr Halstead?"

"Um," Why was she having trouble thinking clearly? Tuesday… she'd spent Monday night here. The following morning, they'd gone to see Katherine Kelly's home. She'd had her CAT scan. They'd gone to her house and had sex. She swallowed. "Yes. He went to his office for an hour that morning, I think."

"Was he alone?"

"I have no idea."

The cops exchanged glances.

"Do you know this woman?" Corson asked, handing her a photograph.

Rachel studied the picture before shaking her head. "No. Should I?"

"Her name is Katherine Kelly. Her body was found yesterday."

Rachel looked up in a flash.

"A black car matching the one we pulled from the bay was spotted in front of her house around the estimated time of death. In the morning, around 9am.

 _No._ That wasn't right. Her and Jay had gotten a late start. They hadn't reached Katherine Kelly's houseboat until the afternoon. She swallowed the constant lump in her throat, unsure what to tell them. She also didn't want to give much away. "You must be wrong," she replied.

Peters handed her another photo. "How about this man? Do you recognize him at all?"

Rachel's eyes grew stalks when she looked at the photograph of Dan. His dark steel-grey eyes stared back at her. Fear trickled down her throat. "Yes. Why?"

"Daniel McMorris was a silent partner in a Canadian pharmaceutical company that the CPD recently got to," he said coldly. "The out of town squad pulled his body from the bay last week."

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	13. Chapter 13

As soon as Hank was back from the baseball game, Rachel had made an excuse grabbed the keys to her car and drove over to Tori's place. She told Hank to take the kids somewhere, anywhere but Jay's house. Apparently he had somewhere in mind, and she trusted that.

She was now leaning against the counter in Tori's kitchen, massaging the killer throbbing pain running the length of her scar.

Time ticked by quietly on the clock above the stove, but it didn't register in Rachel's mind. Not above the deafening pounding currently thumping into her brain.

She stiffened and stood when Tori came into the room. "So?"

Tori threw the cordless phone onto the kitchen table, running a hand through her hair. "Jay's still at the station. His lawyer is there. So far, they're co-operating."

Rachel walked over to Tori's kitchen table and flopped into one of the chairs. She braced both elbows on the table top and rested her head in her hands. Her heart felt like it was being ripped to shreds, she'd finally let herself fall for him and now she honestly didn't know what to think.

Everything she'd believed up to this point was turning out to be a lie.

"Rachel, his lawyer is one of the best out there." She thought about making a joke comparing Jay's lawyer to her, but knew a joke wasn't what Rachel needed to hear right now. "The questioning won't last long, the lawyer won't let it. Jay should be able to leave soon."

"Oh _God,_ " She fought back bile from the back of her throat. "Jay knew Dan didn't die in that plane crash." She panicked, unable to hide it.

Tori lowered herself to the chair opposite her. She leaned back against the wood and crossed her arms on her chest. "That hasn't been proven yet. What can be proven is that Jay's Second saw Dan in Jay's office the day before that crash. Which means Dan lied to you about where he was. Dan was in Jay's office, and Jay appears to be the last person to see him alive."

Rachel let her eyelids close slowly. "Why?" she spoke in a whisper. "Why wouldn't he just tell me the truth?"

"I can't answer that right now, I don't know. But, there's more." Tori sighed. When Rachel looked up at her, the lawyer moved uncomfortably in her seat. "Dan Wilson a.k.a Daniel McMorris and Xavier McMorris were silent partners in a Canadian company with a specialized drug portfolio. The team in Canada were working on a drug called Espetroxin. They were about to push it, based on a series of clinical trials supposedly conducted up there, in Canada."

"Espetroxin is Laetrile under a different name, isn't it?" Rachel asked, but deep down she felt she already knew the answer.

"There isn't any proof for that yet, but that would be my guess. The Detective I spoke to while I was in Vancouver mentioned paperwork from Xavier's home that mentioned both drugs."

"And Jay knew about the possible link between the two," Rachel drew in a deep breath to keep her angry tears from falling. She also swallowed hard so she wasn't going to throw up in Tori's kitchen. "He stood in Matt and Amelia's lounge and pretended like he didn't know a thing."

"Dan disappeared just after the deal was gonna go through. Jay's Second said she heard Dan and Jay arguing in his office, although she didn't hear what it was about."

Rachel dropped her head into her hands again. "They think Jay killed Dan. For what? For money?"

"I don't know." Tori sighed. "Money is a big motivator for some people, although I wouldn't say that matters most to Jay. But…" she paused, knowing Rachel didn't want to hear this but she needed to. "If Jay put a stop to what Dan was trying to do, Jay would make a killing. Dan would be pissed because he was the one who developed it, his whole life dedicated to-"

"You don't honestly believe that?" Bile rose up Rachel's throat. "That Jay actually-" she couldn't bring herself to finish the sentence.

"No Rachel, I don't. But that's the way the media are going to paint it."

"And Katherine Kelly? They think Jay killed her to cover up the study?"

"They'll be able to link Kelly to Dan through the nursing home. They'll try and prove that Jay covered up evidence. If word got out about illegal trials going on _here_ , Espetroxin would never have been approved in the first instance before-"

Rachel rubbed her temples although it wasn't going to make her constant headache go away. "And Jay's car?"

Tori sighed. "They'll try and say Jay tampered with the brakes, knowing you would be in it alone. They are gonna try and claim that, with you out of the way, he could double his benefits. He doesn't have to pay back the life insurance claim, and there's nobody to ask questions about the drug- this _Laetrile_ \- you were given. You're the key to all of this, Rachel."

Barely two hours ago, her future had looked bright and almost promising. Now, Rachel wasn't sure how she'd get through the next hour without losing the slight grip she had on reality. She wrapped her arms around herself. "I think I'm going to be sick."

She ran towards Tori's sink, her hands gripping against either side of the counter. She barely made it before she threw contents of her stomach underneath the faucet.

Tori ran behind her, gathering Rachel's loose curls into a bundle and holding them high above her head. She rubbed Rachel's back with her other hand.

Rachel backed away, wiping at her mouth with the back of her hand. She took a few deep breaths before turning around to face Tori again.

Tori took hold of both Rachel's shoulders and spoke. "Listen to me. They can't charge Jay with anything at this point because the evidence is all circumstantial. You and I both know Jay is _not_ capable of doing what he's being accused of. I'm only pointing out what the defence are going to see if things escalate further. I'm not pointing out what's reality."

Rachel's eyes locked on her lawyer. Her head and her heart were caught in an impossible fierce battle. The man she'd fallen in love with couldn't _possibly_ be capable of murder, of a conspiracy, of a cover-up. If he was capable, that meant he knew about her disappearance all along. And she _couldn't_ believe that.

Not after the things he'd shared with her, the emotions he'd pulled from inside her in such a short space of time.

But _always_ in the back of her head was the tormenting voice saying she didn't know the real Jay Halstead. The Sergeant Detective who'd built an empire over the city. There were qualities about Sergeant Jay Halstead she knew were kept hidden from her. Were they finally coming to the surface?

No matter how she looked at it, the lies that had ruled her life for five long years were consuming her once again.

Rachel shook her head, swallowing hard so as to not be sick again. "I don't know what I believe anymore, Tori. I know… I just… I can't trust him. I don't know if I'll be able to trust anything he tells me ever again."

* * *

"Grandpa, where are you taking us?" Olivia quizzed from the passenger side of the car. He figured he didn't know how long he was staying yet, so a hire car wouldn't come in wrong.

"We are gonna go for some dinner," Hank tapped against the driver's wheel as he manoeuvred the car forward. "How is that arm of yours?"

"It's okay, I think my cast can come off soon," she chirped.

"What, no more coloring?" Freddie spoke from the back seat, a tinge of sadness present in his tone.

"Dude, you have coloring books for that," his sister laughed. "You can color all you like in those, Freddie."

"Yay, coloring!" Freddie clapped his hands together in his booster. "Where we going, Grandpa?" He quizzed.

"We're going for some food, son. Are you hungry?" Freddie nodded his head in response. "Where should we go?"

"Pizza, Grandpa, pizza!" Freddie already had his heart set.

Olivia groaned. "Hey, aren't you sick of pizza? What else do you like to eat?" She turned around to talk to her brother. "How about… mac n' cheese?"

"Mac and cheese, mac and cheese!" Freddie repeated. "That's my favorite."

"What? You just said…" Olivia turned back to Hank. "I swear he said his favorite was pizza!" She laughed.

"Relax Liv, he's four. That's probably the biggest problem he's got in his life, deciding what kind of food is his favorite." He focused his eyes on the road. "He has nothing else to worry about."

Olivia turned towards him and narrowed her eyes. She knew there was something else he was trying to say, something he was perhaps hiding in his words. "What are you trying to say, Grandpa?"

"Oh, nothing honey." He refused to look in her direction, knowing he'd say too much if he did.

"Grandpa, you're lying to me. Come on, I'm almost grown up. What is it?"

Hank shook his head, fighting to think of an excuse that she would believe. For a child who was still young in his eyes, she definitely wise beyond her years. "It's nothing."

"I don't believe you," Olivia folded her arms across her chest. She turned in the passenger seat to look at him. "Is it to do with Mom? Dad? Why those officers were at our house? Why Mom left in such a hurry?"

"Olivia," he groaned, knowing she was gonna be persistent until she got an answer from him.

"It was about that man that Mom thought she was married to, right? You can tell me, I'm not stupid." She rolled her eyes.

"I don't know Olivia," he replied. "I just don't know."

* * *

Jay ducked into Will's Range Rover. A group of reporters closed in on them, trying to grab him for a statement. Camera thrust against the windows, microphones bashed against the doors trying to get any sort of comment.

Dropping his head, Jay rubbed the sides of his head with his fingers while Will pulled away from the station. He pulled his cell from his pocket and dialled Izzy's number.

"Jay, I'm glad you called. The press-"

"I have no comment. And nobody at work should have a comment, either. And I mean _nobody_. Think of a statement yourself, and familiarize the staff with it."

"I can't,"

"Just fucking _do_ it, Izzy," He held his head with his free hand. "I'm sorry, look I need a memo written up for our employees. They can't go making up stuff to the police. Make one, tell them and then fax me a copy."

Will interrupted. "The press is staked out all over your house, Jay."

"Shit. Fax it to Will's house, Izzy. I'm gonna be there for a while."

"Okay," she replied. "Are you finished downtown?" she questioned.

He didn't have time for all of her questions, why was she so concerned with his location? She was his Second, not his fucking Mother.

"I am, for now." He felt sick himself at the accusations he'd had thrown at him. "I need you to get hold of the surveillance tapes from our District garage. Somebody used my car last week, without my permission."

There was silence on the other end of the phone for a while but he didn't think anything of it. "I can do that."

"My lawyer might call with information. If he does, you gotta pass it onto me."

"I will. Don't worry, Jay."

 _Don't worry. Yeah, okay._ Like that was possible at this point. He shut off the phone call and threw his phone onto the floor of the car. Jay rested his elbow on the bottom of the car's window ledge, still massaging his throbbing head. "Where's Rachel?" he asked without looking over at his brother.

"Tori's house." Will was hesitant. "Jay, she knows about McMorris."

 _Fan-fucking-tastic._ Jay took in a few steadying breaths and closed his eyes. He could only imagine what would be going through her mind right about now. He should have told her, come clean sooner. He shouldn't have _waited._

"What about the kids?"

"I think she said Hank took them so they wouldn't be scared of the reporters."

Jay nodded. "I need to talk to my wife."

"I figured that. She'll be pissed."

"Yeah, well, tell me something I don't know."

"Jay-"

"Don't pound my head yet, Will. I'll explain after I see E- _Rachel_."

Will nodded slightly and left Jay to his silence for the rest of the journey.

When they pulled up in front of Tori's house, Jay eased out of the car and jogged the front steps. Pushing the door open, he sae Tori on the phone. She looked up and saw the pair of them coming in the front door. "I'll have to call you back." She hung up and glanced from one brother to the other.

"Where is she?" Jay glanced around the empty room.

"Out the back," Tori pointed. When he moved past her, she reached out for his shoulder. "Jay, I did the best I could."

He offered half a smile. "I know."

She was standing on the edge of the decking, facing away from him when he eased the door open. One of her arms was wrapped around her middle and the other was rubbing at the scar that ran the length of her temple. The scar she'd gotten when this whole mess had started. The last of the sunlight washed over her, showering her in a shimmering radiation.

His arms ached to hold her; his fingers itched to slide into her curls and massage away the tension and worry that was seeping out of her petite frame.

He hoped what he wanted and what she needed were the same. Swallowing his dread, he took several steps towards her. "Rachel."

Her hazel eyes flashed when she whipped around quickly to face him. "You lied to me."

His dread spread into terror. Apparently she'd already made up her mind. He reached for her before she could walk away from him.

"No, _don't_." Her teeth were clenched together and she tried to pull away.

"Hold on. Let me explain."

She pushed hard against him with her shoulders, one word leaving her lips but enough to break him. "No."

Despair ripped through to his soul, but he refused to let her go. He couldn't let her go. He pulled her tighter.

She spoke his name through a strangled whisper, almost as though she didn't want to say it at all. A sob tore through her. Her shaky fingers clawed against his grip in a bid to escape.

Jay pulled her even closer, his face practically touching her own, their lips inches apart. He kissed her, and for a second he thought she was kissing him back.

This was _all_ he needed. Just her, for the rest of his life. He could face anything as long as she was with him. As long as she believed him, believed in them, then they could get through anything.

"No," she mumbled against his touch. Her hands rushed to his chest and pushed against his skin. Tears poured from her eyes as her mouth broke free. "No! Don't touch me."

Cold air hit Jay hard when she pushed away from his grip. "Baby-"

Rachel held up a hand to keep him at a length. "Don't call me that. You _don't_ get to call me that."

He was losing her. The terror that ran through his veins turned to heart-wrenching pain as a heavy weight pressed against his chest. "Wait. Just listen, _please_."

"You knew Dan didn't die in that plane crash. And you didn't even tell me. You fucking knew!" She swiped a hand across her cheeks to free them of her tears. "How could you do that?"

Jay swallowed. "I didn't know for sure, I suspected it. And I knew if I told you, you'd go looking for him."

"So instead you lied to me? Why?"

He forced a hand through his messy hair, tensing at the mention of Daniel McMorris. "Because you're _my_ wife, not his. I needed to know how you felt about me, before I told you what I knew. It was wrong and it was fucking selfish, but I wanted more time." He watched as her mouth dropped open, and he got desperate. "Don't you get it? I wasn't just going to let you go near him after I knew what he'd done."

"So you let me believe a lie. You didn't trust me enough to be honest with me."

"No," _This was all coming out wrong. She wasn't getting it._ "That's not it. I didn't want you getting hurt."

"Oh and this is _so_ much better," she said sarcastically. Her eyes darkened. "You were working with him."

"No." He repeated. On this, she _had_ to believe him. "I swear. I wasn't."

"Jay, don't lie to me! I know he was in your office. I know he was part of the company you were responsible for shutting down. You stood to get so much of a rise when you shut him down. Shit, was this all about the money?"

His chest muscles tightened. Just the thought that she believed that send the pain of a thousand stab wounds to his heart. "I didn't know that drug was linked to Laetrile, I just had suspicions."

"You were willing to do anything to get at him?"

"No. I was willing to do anything to keep the drug from getting out there. I had an idea what McMorris and his father were planning. It took everything in us to try and stop that drug from getting on the market. If anything, I- _we_ lost money in all of our attempts."

"Do you really expect me to believe that?"

"It's the goddamn truth. That's why McMorris showed up at my office. He was pissed that I terminated his project. _Again_."

She shook her head and chewed the inside of her lower lip, looking everywhere but at him.

"Did you kill him?" she asked in a chilly tone.

"Absolutely not." When she eventually looked at him, his jaw locked. "But I would have. If I'd known what he did to you, I'd have ripped his fucking heart out with my own hands." When she looked away again, he added "I would do _anything_ for you."

"Anything," she repeated in a whisper. "Including trying to cover up this mess by getting rid of Katherine Kelly."

" _No_." He reached out for her but she took a step back. "Do you honestly think I could do that?"

"Somebody saw your car that morning. At her _house_. Before we even got there to try and talk to her." Her lip quivered. "What am I supposed to believe, Jay? You left that morning, you said you were going to your office but you didn't."

"And you think I was going out to murder some woman?" Disbelief ran through his body.

"I don't know _what_ to believe anymore. Everything I thought I knew was a lie!"

Her last sentence broke his heart in two. She didn't believe in him, not like he needed her to. She was pulling away, putting up the barriers that he'd finally managed to knock down last week.

"I didn't kill anyone," he said with a sigh. "I parked in the District garage that morning and walked about four blocks away to an investigator's office," He paused and heard her suck in a breath. "Somebody must have used my car whilst I was away from the building."

"Convenient, don't you think?"

"It's the truth," he replied.

"Why were you going to see a private investigator?"

"Because I wanted to find McMorris. I wanted to know if he was the one behind all of this. I needed to make sure he wasn't planning on hurting you again."

She backed away enough to drop herself onto a bench at the end of the decking. Her loose curls fell across her face when she let her head fall into her hands.

Jay rested his hands on his hips and clenched his jaw as he watched her. Everything inside of him wanted to reach for her, but she'd made it clear she didn't want him to touch her. "Are you going to ask me if I tampered with the brakes on my car, too?"

"I know you didn't do that," she whispered.

 _Finally._ If she believed that, he ached to reassure her on the rest of it. He stepped forward towards her. "Rachel-"

"So who killed him?"

"I don't know."

She lifted her wet eyelashes to look at him. "You don't know, or you won't tell me?"

"I don't know," he reinforced.

"You don't have any idea?" she sniffed.

"No."

Rachel pressed the palms of her hands into her eyes. "I don't know what to believe anymore."

He knelt in front of her, placing his shaky hands on her thighs. "Believe _me_. Believe in us. I _love_ you. I wouldn't do anything to hurt you."

"Don't you get it, Jay?" she trembled. "You _did_ hurt me. In the worst possible way." Her tortured emotions were all present in her eyes. "You made me fall in love with you. And then you took away the very trust that love was built on. How am I ever supposed to believe anything you say, ever again?"

Air trapped in his throat.

She loved him.

Her revelation was exactly what he'd wanted to hear since the day she'd walked back into his life, but never in a million years did he expect her to say it wasn't enough.

She pushed his hands to the side and stood up.

There was raw heartache in his soul. He was about to lose her if he didn't do something to make this right. Standing up himself, he fought back tears that were stinging his eyes. "Rachel, please."

She shook her head and wiped her face with the back of her hand before turning back to him. "I can't. I… I feel like I don't even know you."

"You do know me. You know everything that matters." She turned back towards the door and his voice hitched. "Please. I can't lose you a second time."

She paused, one hand on the door. "Don't you understand, Jay? You already did."

* * *

Even when she got back to her own house, she couldn't stop herself from crying. She didn't even know how there was anything left in her to cry out. But apparently there was because the tears kept coming, and she couldn't fucking stop them.

She was emotional, but the last thing she needed was a fucking Halstead brother in her house.

"Will, this is ridiculous."

Rachel dropped blankets and a pillow onto the couch. She'd offer him a bed, but the only other one in her place apart from her own was Freddie's mini bed. Even though he wasn't in it tonight, he'd stayed with Jay when Hank had returned with them. But Will wouldn't be down for sleeping in that. Not that he needed to be sleeping here at all.

She could hear the familiar sound of waves crashing against the shore beside her house. Unlike usual though, they were doing nothing to settle the pain and devastation in her heart.

What she wanted was to be alone and cry it out. What she had was an overprotective brother-in-law who wasn't down for giving her a fraction of space.

"Don't even think about arguing with me on this one," He lay one of the she'd provided him with across the couch and frowned at her. "You're not staying by yourself right now."

She could feel frustration in her veins. "I am not a child. I can take care of myself."

"Stop arguing. You were always annoying when you set your mind to something, but you're not going to win this one." He threw a pillow at the end of the couch.

"I suppose your brother sent you over here?"

"He suggested it. And I would have come anyway, if I knew you were back here alone."

Rachel let out a groan. "That's what I need. I need to be alone right now."

"No, you don't." Will flopped onto the couch, kicked off his shoes and leaned back against the armrest. "You need to do something to take your mind off him."

"My mind isn't _on_ him." She fought. Her eyes slid closed and she tried to stand her ground. Instead, she sank into the armchair and dropped her head into her hands. More of her tears escaped and ran down her cheeks. Her chest tightened and sobs wrecked her body. As hard as she tried, she couldn't get them to stop. Rachel wrapped her arms around herself in embarrassment, some tiny part of her remembering that she wasn't alone.

"Oh, shit." Will shot up from the couch and pulled her into a hug. "It's alright, let it all out."

Her tears soaked into his T-shirt. She sniffled and tried to turn her head away from him.

Will looked down and waved his hand. "Hey, go ahead. Use it as a tissue. It's just a Hawks tee. And they suck this year."

She gripped at the soft cotton, but couldn't hide her small chuckle as it broke through her tears. Rachel fought to compose herself and dragged lots of air into her lungs. Only for it to cause a coughing fit, which made more tears fall.

"You're gonna be alright. Cry it out."

Rachel thought she'd never seen him so sincere; she was used to Will being the sarcastic, joking older brother. Not somebody who offered her a shoulder – a T-shirt- to cry on when her heart felt broken.

How could she hurt so badly after only a few weeks? A month ago, she hadn't even known Jay. Today, her world was tumbling down around her because she couldn't have him.

And what hurt even more was knowing that even with everything she'd been though, knowing all the lies, she still _wanted_ him. She wanted his arms around her, his body next to her. Wanted the family she'd never expected, the one she'd never let herself hope for.

In a few short weeks, he'd changed _everything_ for her. And now she didn't know if she'd ever be able to set it right again.

Somehow, she steadied herself. Pushed back from Will and drew in large gulps of air. She used the back of her hand to brush her cheeks clear.

"You never used to have emotional outbursts," Will said.

"I'm still not. Told you, I wanted to be alone." She murmured.

"Is there anything I can do?" He asked.

"No, I don't think there's anything anyone can do."

"Rachel, Jay isn't a bad guy." Will sighed.

"I know that. But I don't want you caught in the middle. He's your brother."

"Yeah, I know. But you're practically my sister, too."

Tears welled inside again and she covered her eyes with her hand.

"Isn't there any way you two can work this out? It's obvious how much you _love_ him."

She shrugged. "I do. Too much. Sometimes, love isn't enough."

His brow furrowed.

Rachel swiped again at her face, desperate to change the subject away from the one that was the reason for all of her tears. "Speaking of relationships…" she took in a deep breath. "Tori attempted to let me go as a client today. Said she couldn't be a good faith lawyer to me because she was sleeping with you."

A grin spread onto his face. "What did you say to her?"

"I said she couldn't fire me because I have to be the one to fire her. And when she put up a fight, I told her that if she brought it up again, you might have to stop sleeping with her."

Will laughed. "Nicely played, I guess that's a way to keep a lawyer."

She offered a sad smile, knowing he was happy. Seeing him so happy reminded her how unhappy she was right now. Her tears soon threatened again. She'd cried more in the past few weeks than she had in the last year. She was sick of being such a sap. She tried to nod her head with confidence, and wiped again at her face.

"I'm gonna go lie down," she said.

He seemed to understand her need to be alone for a bit. "Are you going to be okay?"

That was a ridiculous question at the moment, one she didn't know how to answer. Her heart had just been ripped to shreds, and she still didn't really understand what had happened to her. But she knew Will wouldn't want to hear all of that, that wasn't what he signed up for. Instead, she forced him a pathetic smile. "I'll survive. I've learned how to cope all along this way."

 **Please Review!**


	14. Chapter 14

"Dad?" A hand appeared around the doorframe of Jay's home office. "Can I come in?" the voice continued.

"Sure, Liv." He replied, watching as his daughter walked into the room. He'd been sitting in his office for a few hours, wallowing in pity with his head resting in his hands. But he didn't like Olivia to see him like that, composing himself before she walked over to his desk. He offered her a smile when she made it over. "What's up?"

"I haven't seen you all day," she spoke softly.

"I know," he started.

"Dad, come on I'm not stupid. Grandpa took me and Freddie out of the house because something happened, didn't it?" she quizzed.

Jay sighed, it was sometimes hard for him to remember she was only a girl of ten. She liked to think she was already an adult, that she could understand the world around her. But he didn't have a fucking clue where to start, especially if he was going to talk to her about something like this.

But that probably wasn't a good idea, given he had no idea what was going to happen himself.

"Liv," he ushered her over to where he was seated and pulled her onto his knee. She wasn't that small anymore- she was pretty tall actually- but never complained when Jay wanted to pull her close. She wasn't about to ague anyway, her father looked like he needed whatever comfort the embrace brought him.

Olivia wrapped her arms around his. "Did Mom leave again?" she asked quietly, chewing on the inside of her gum.

"No," Jay ran a hand through her long hair, natural curls she'd inherited from her Mom. "Well she did as in she's not here tonight, but she's just at her beach house. Uncle Will is there with her."

"Did something happen? With you and Mom?" her voice sounded more worried with each question.

"Livi, that's not for you to worry about." He posed a grin in her direction, she couldn't know how broken he was feeling inside right now.

"But I thought you asked her to be here all the time? So why isn't she here?"

"Mom needs some time, babe. Dad found some things out about where Mom disappeared to and didn't tell her right away. She's a little pi-" He clamped his mouth together before he swore. "She's a little angry, that's all. She just needs some time." He repeated.

Olivia nodded and stood up. " _Time_ ," she echoed. "But she won't ever leave us again, will she?"

Jay shifted his position and grabbed at his daughter's shoulders. "It doesn't matter what happens between me and Mom, Liv. Mom won't be going anywhere away from you, I promise."

"Okay," she nodded, seeming satisfied with his answer. "I'm gonna go to bed. Night Dad, I love you." She hugged across his chest and walked back to her own bedroom.

Jay spun around in his chair after she'd gone and looked out into the night's skyline. No matter how much he attempted to clear his thoughts, he just couldn't shift her from the front of them.

Was she hurting as much as he was right now?

The more he thought about her, the more icy fear clenched around his chest. He wanted to kick himself for being so fucking secretive, why didn't he just come clean with her as soon as he found out what he knew? He'd had so many opportunities to tell her the truth, and chose not to because of his selfish love for her.

He thought back to what he'd said to Olivia at the end of their conversation. _She just needs a little time. She won't be going anywhere away from you, I promise._

He'd made a promise to his daughter, which he actually had _no_ idea if he could keep.

Olivia had walked out of his office and he'd hoped she had believed his words. Now he just had to learn to believe them himself.

* * *

Wind pelted at the windows of Rachel's small beach house. A small fraction of moonlight peeked in through the net curtains Rachel had in the lounge, shining right into Will's eyes.

Will threw an arm across his face to block out the blinding light and swore under his breath. _Why the fuck couldn't she invest in proper curtains?_

 _Slap. Slap. Slap._

 _Jesus, what was hell was that?_ Will turned over onto one side and pulled the pillow over his head to block out the persistent sound and bright light. _How the hell did Rachel ever fall asleep in this place?_

 _Slap. Slap. Slap._

"For fuck's sake," he cussed rather audibly and groaned. He was a guy that liked his sleep, and this situation wasn't helping.

There was absolutely no way he was gonna get any sleep with that ceaseless noise. He let out an irritated groan and moved gradually towards the kitchen. As he moved along the dark hallway, he could hear the waves crashing against the land outside. The kitchen led onto Rachel's back yard and the window took up a good length of the room.

Will positioned a hand against the window and peeked into the back garden.

 _Slap. Slap. Slap._

The screen she'd positioned in the garden was flapping furiously in the wind. Pulling the door open he stepped into the cold air and walked down the steps in his bare feet. The coolness of the atmosphere sent a shiver through him. Sand particles crept between his toes.

A gust of wind whipped through his hair, reminding him he needed a haircut.

Rachel's screen hung loosely on old, worn-out hinges. Will ran his fingers along the doorjamb searching for a hook or a lock. _There was no chance Rachel let if flop like this all the time, surely she couldn't sleep through that?_

When he didn't find anything, he made a mental note to tell her in the morning. If nothing else, it would put his mind at rest that she was able to sleep properly in her house.

Will heard a twig crack behind him. His fingers froze against the wood. He turned around.

A strange shadow darted to the side, and the air was too dark for him to see any more.

Before he had the chance to move further towards the house, an excruciating pain exploded in the side of his head. It took over his thoughts and he struggled to decipher the shadow's movements any further.

"Shit." Will gripped at his head and made it one step further before everything went black.

* * *

Jay couldn't get to sleep, and he knew it wasn't going to come to him any time soon. In actual fact, he hadn't even attempted to close his eyes because he knew. Knew he wouldn't drift into slumber tonight, because _she_ wasn't here. She wasn't in this house, in this room, in this bed with him like she had been the past few weeks.

Like he needed her to be.

He rolled onto his side and swung his legs from the bed. His bare feet padded towards the door, along the hallway and down the stairs.

Light from the refrigerator spilled over Jay into the darkened kitchen. He stood with the door open, peering into the massive appliance. He wasn't hungry and a beer wasn't going to quench the ache in the pit of his stomach.

But lying in that bed remembering when Rachel was next to him wasn't going to do much to relax him either.

Jay glanced towards the home phone. _He should call her_. But he didn't know if she'd listen or just hang up on him. Just thinking about her was enough to make his heart ache as he rubbed a hand over the pain in his chest, closing his eyes.

He'd give her a day. Then he would try again. She would have to think twice if she thought he was about to let her go that easily.

He was so lost in his thoughts that he jumped when his cell phone rang. Slamming shut the refrigerator door, he reached for it from its resting place on the counter.

Though he tried to ignore it, hope pulsed through his veins. Hope that she finally wanted to talk to him. His brain jumped to the wrong conclusions.

"Rachel?"

"Jay, it's Tori."

"Oh," Disappointment flowed over him. "Hey."

"I'm sorry, I know it's late. Will isn't answering his phone."

There was panic in her voice that made the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end. "What?"

"He's not answering his cell. He told me he'd have it on at all times while he was out there. Rachel's not answering her home or cell phone either."

Jay froze; Tori had obviously found out something if she was attempting to get in touch with Rachel. Panic rose in his chest. _She wasn't answering her phone_. Shit.

He didn't even think twice before heading for the hallway and finding a pair of shoes. A hooded sweater lay on the heater and he quickly pulled it from the resting place and dressed himself in it.

He forgot temporarily that he was still on the phone. "I hired security to keep eyes on her house. They haven't called or anything. It could just be the storm."

"Right," Tori replied, but Jay knew she believed his words as little as he did. "My investigator finally mailed his report. The storm caused my server to go down, so I just got it through. Jay, Xavier Wilson or McMorris or whatever, had two daughters as well as Daniel. One of them died five years ago, her name was Lucy."

Jay stopped with one hand on the front door, the keys to his rental car in his hand. His jaw opened and closed a few times, before realizing Tori couldn't see him. She would think he was ignoring her. "What does she have to do with-"

"Jay, she died after Laetrile was pulled. I think she was in the clinical trials that were stopped."

He sucked in air but it seemed to get trapped before it reached his lungs. "Shit. That's why Dan and his dad were so pissed when we pulled it."

"Yeah," Tori continued talking as Jay fought against the rain to get to the car. "But Jay, there's another daughter."

He pushed damp hair away from his eyes, backing the car off the driveway at rapid speed. "She's still alive, right? Where is she?"

Jay heard a gulp at the other end of the phone before Tori spoke. "Here in Chicago. Jay, she works for you."

"What?" He asked confused. "There's no McMorris at the District. No Wilson either, for that matter."

"Jay, it's… Izzy Murray."

 _Motherfucker_. "Are you sure?"

"I'm pretty positive."

 _Shit_. Izzy, who'd been travelling the first few days Rachel had turned up. Izzy, who'd told him to purchase that car and could have easily used it the day Katherine Kelly had died, when he'd left it in the parking garage. Izzy, who knew every single fucking detail about Rachel's return because he'd been stupid enough to share it with her.

Isobel fucking Murray who he'd trusted with his kids, the day of the press conference.

A panic and urgency coursed through his bones. His foot pressed hard on the accelerator. "Tori, Izzy knows that Rachel is out at the beach house tonight."

"I'm in the car on the freeway."

"I'll call on-duty officers from work. I might beat you there. Tori, don't go inside without me or the cops. Do you hear me?"

The line went dead. "Tori?"

 _Shit._ He couldn't be sure if the lawyer had heard him or not. Jay dialled the security detail he'd hired to sit outside of Rachel's house.

No answer.

Shit. _Shit._

With his foot flat to the floor, he tossed his phone into the passenger seat and gripped the steering wheel, hoping with everything in him that he wasn't too fucking late.

* * *

She couldn't get to sleep either. It came as a surprise because she felt beyond exhausted, but whenever she seemed to close her eyes her mind went into overdrive. So she'd rose from bed and walked the length of the hallway into the bathroom.

Warm water slid over her skin as the bubbles in the bathtub surrounded her. She'd drawn a bath with the hope that it would ease the chill she was feeling inside. So far, it wasn't working.

Rachel used her toe to turn the faucet on and off in a rhythmic succession, her eyesight turning to a blur as she focused in on a spot at the edge of the bathtub. The occasional drip of the faucet at the sink was the only other sound in the room.

Jay's face flashed into the front of her mind and she closed her eyes, wanting the water to flush away her heavy heartache.

After a phone call with Matt from the office to make plans for the next few weeks, she felt more physically and emotionally drained than she'd ever felt before. Going away for a week or so probably wasn't the smartest option at the moment, but it was the best she could come up with.

She couldn't stay.

Matt had understood. Hank would understand. Tori would understand. Will would _probably_ understand.

Jay and Olivia wouldn't.

Somehow she'd have to find a way to make Olivia understand. It wasn't going to be forever, just until things had calmed down. If that was ever going to happen.

She just didn't want to know the truth anymore. Staying here while the press were swarming her every move because of her story was only going to prolong her agony.

Rachel ran a hand through her hair and she let out a long breath. She promised herself that the tears had stopped for tonight so she willed back the ones that were currently fighting to run the length of her face. Another waterfall wasn't going to help the situation.

She eased herself back in the bathtub just before the lights went out.

She sat up suddenly, sending water spilling over the side of the bathtub. The wind was whistling outside the window, the screen door downstairs tapping against the wall and the sound echoing up to Rachel's ears.

 _You're jumpy, Rachel. Get a fucking grip. Will is downstairs, nothing is going to happen. The storm is probably to blame for the power cutting off and it probably knocked out the whole street._

Rachel eased herself out of the tub and grabbed for her robe that was hanging on the back of the door. After tying it loosely around her waist, she headed towards the stairs.

There were shadows dancing across the hallway. She tripped over one of Freddie's Lego figures and pain shot through the bottom of her foot. Biting her lip to keep her from screaming, she hopped the rest of the way to the stairs trying to forget about the twinge beneath her step.

Couldn't one fucking thing go right tonight?

The floorboards on the stairs creaked as she stepped on them. A dull ache had settled on her foot as she walked. She sucked in a breath as she reached the bottom of the stairs, not wanting to wake Will in the living room.

As soon as she stepped into the kitchen, a gust of cold air hit her in the face. The back door of her house was wide open, the screen she'd heard from upstairs slapping against the doorjamb.

 _What the hell?_ She took a step forward and froze.

She'd definitely locked the door before going upstairs, she knew it because she'd checked more than once. Her common sense trickled into her brain and all of the muscles inside her tightened. Air clogged her breathing.

 _Go get Will._

Rachel backed out of the kitchen. She bumped into the side table in the hallway. The lamp that was placed on it crashed to the floor.

It made her jump, the adrenaline coursing through her veins.

 _God._ She was acting like a child, a child that was watching a horror movie or something. Will was probably behind her laughing.

She pressed a hand to her stomach, turning to look through the doorway to the lounge, focusing on the couch.

Empty.

She glanced back to the kitchen. "Will?"

She didn't get an answer.

A teardrop of sweat trickled its way down her spine. Her skin came over in a chill.

 _Think, Rachel._ She spotted the cordless phone on the coffee table. Scrambling for the receiver she turned it on with shaky fingers, but the line was dead.

A sudden blow of wind sent the screen flapping again. Rachel jumped and tiptoed again towards the kitchen.

Her purse was on the far side of the counter, the one that had her cell phone and keys in it. She needed to get to it. Rachel took in a calming breath and stepped through the shadows.

Her bare foot came into contact with a puddle on the hard tiled floor. She was able to grab onto a chair before the liquid caused her to slip. She squinted into the darkness towards a trail of liquid that ran from the back door to other end of the table.

Well shit, this wasn't good. Something wasn't _right_. She didn't want to be here, especially when she didn't know where Will was. She reached for her purse from its resting place.

Something hard slammed into her from behind.

The contents of her purse went flying through the air. Rachel hit one of her kitchen stools, collided with the edge of the counter and tumbled to the floor.

Her arm took the brunt of the fall. Pain rocketed through her shoulder.

When she forced open her eyes, Izzy Murray, the woman she remembered from the press conference, was kneeling over her holding a gun in her hand. "Oh, welcome to the party Rachel."

The lights were back on. Rachel's eyes darted to Will lying on the floor beside the table. His body was limp and his eyes were closed. Blood oozed from his head.

Her stomach was churning. Oh God, the 'water' she'd slipped in…

"No, don't look at _him._ Look at me, Rachel." Izzy hissed. "Now do you have any idea what kind of mess you've made for me?"

 _What the hell was she talking about?_ Rachel fused her eyebrows together. She opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out.

"Don't play games with me. I'm not falling for the whole _I don't remember anything_ gig, not like Dan and Jay did. You've been nothing but a pain in my ass since this whole thing started."

 _This whole thing._ Dan. _No._

"You?" Rachel managed on a shaky breath. "It was you? But," her whole body was shaking. "But you work with Jay. I don't understand."

"Not very bright, are you?" A twisted smile spread across Izzy's face. "Must be all those drugs. Laetrile would have saved Lucy. Jay knew that."

Rachel frowned. Grabbing at her aching arm, she attempted to sit up. "Who is Lucy?"

"My sister. My brother was so excited about being able to cure her but alas, the cops got word of the side effects and stopped the production. Lucy died. That drug would have saved her life."

Rachel swallowed. _Izzy was Dan's brother?_ "You don't know that for sure."

"Oh, really? I think we do. Do you have any idea what it's like to lose somebody you love, Rachel? Or should I call you Erin? Which do you prefer?" Izzy's menacing laughs made the nerves inside Rachel shake like hell. "Silly me, I forget who I'm talking to here. Of course you know what it's like to lose someone! Or better yet, Jay sure does. We made sure of that."

"You- you did this on purpose? Why didn't you just kill me?"

Izzy's eyes narrowed. "Believe me, that was an option. I was outvoted. Dad and Dan thought you might be useful down the line. A kidnapping was better, and much more _fun_. Then that plane you were supposed to be on went down, and everybody thought you were dead anyway. It made sense to let Jay suffer. We were lucky that I had a friend working for the airline, who could make sure your name was on the list. You see Rachel, people will do anything for money."

"You… you kept me alive on purpose?"

Izzy shrugged her shoulders. "Dan needed human tissue samples for his research, if it was ever going to be approved. We didn't really care if you were sick or not. We were mostly interested in the side effects," her head cocked in a sick and twisted way. "And alas, there you were."

Rachel's fingers were still shaking and she reached up to rub her scar. "But how did I get-"

"Oh, that was the _best_ part." She laughed, throwing her head back in enjoyment then looking at the scar on Rachel's temple. "You didn't go easily. Your struggling caused a car accident. Dan never lied to you about that part. You _did_ hit your head. And it did put you in a coma. That's what gave him the idea to use you in the study."

"But Dan-"

Izzy's mouth curled in disgust. "Dan was stupid. Who knew my brother had a fucking conscience? When he found out you were pregnant he refused to do the tests on you. Did you know Lucy was pregnant too, when they found out about her illness? They had to choose- her life or the baby's- but then she died anyway. When Dan found out about _your_ pregnancy, he figured it was payback. So we waited."

"Xavier Wilson's your father," Rachel said through quivering lips.

"Well it looks like you're not that stupid after all," Izzy smiled. "He also goes by Xavier McMorris by the way, the head of the publishing house where you work. Your _boss_."

A sickening feeling brewed in the pit of Rachel's stomach. "What happened to your brother?"

Izzy's eyes turned icy. "Cold feet."

"You killed him."

"I didn't mind that he wanted to use you to get the ultimate revenge. To fuck Jay Halstead's wife on a regular basis, to take his family and everything that had once been his? It was a _brilliant_ idea. But once Jay killed off the cancer drug a second time, Dan lost his backbone. He was too worried about getting caught, about Jay finding out about you and your boy, Freddie is he called? I forget. He wanted us to back off when we were _so_ close to getting what we wanted. I couldn't let him ruin everything. I gave up my entire life to make sure that drug was gonna go through."

"Oh my God," Bile rose to the back of Rachel's throat. She put a hand in front of her face.

"Go ahead Rachel, be sick. It won't matter to me. You won't be around much longer to matter anyway." A smug smile grew across Izzy's face.

"You… you had the evidence changed to make it look like Dan died on that plane, just like me. Didn't you?"

"I do like parallels. That was artistic, you have to give me that one. Everything would have been fine, except for you. You just _had_ to start digging into things that were better left dead and buried. And my fucking brother, the dumbass. So stupid for leaving that picture in your fucking house. I should have killed him years ago."

Rachel swallowed. _Nobody was coming for her_. Will wasn't moving. She didn't know if he was even dead or alive at this point. "You killed the research patients."

Izzy didn't offer an answer.

"And Katherine Kelly. You took Jay's car that morning. Was she threatening to turn you in?"

Izzy laughed again, a wicked noise erupting from the back of her throat. "Do you really think I'm going to answer your questions?"

From behind where Izzy was standing, Rachel thought she saw movement. _Keep her talking_. "Did you kill your father too?"

"That was an accident." A hint of sadness pained Izzy's face. "We got into an argument. His sacrifice is nothing though, compared to the number of people who died because they couldn't have the cancer drug that was about to save their life. Denied from people that really needed them. What's a person's purpose if they can't be useful?"

Rachel's eyes moved past Izzy to Will. He levered himself up at Izzy's back. Blood was trickling down his forehead. He blinked twice and swayed.

Panic settled through Rachel's body. _She needed to keep Izzy focused._ "The regulations to keep patients safe from that drug-"

Anger flashed in Izzy's eyes now. "Don't give me a fucking lecture on safety. If patients had access, my mother would still be alive. My sister would still be alive. If a few people have to die for the good of so many others, then so be it."

Will rammed into Izzy from behind, knocking her against the counter. The gun she was holding rocketed across the floor.

Letting out a groan, Will fell into a chair and crumbled again to the ground. Rachel struggled to her feet and reached for the candle-holder from the center of the table. While Izzy tried to push herself back to her feet, Rachel swung.

The candle-holder hit Izzy across the face. Rachel manoeuvred her way out of Izzy's grip. She slipped in a puddle of blood on the floor.

Izzy pulled herself from the floor and launched herself at Rachel. They struggled and swayed across the kitchen. Izzy pinned her to the floor.

Rachel's arms ached, her muscles throbbed like hell but she wasn't going to let herself die like this, in the hands of the woman who'd plotted to kill her all this time. Izzy reached for the gun. Rachel kicked and clawed and managed to clamp her hand over Izzy's on the gun's handle.

 _No. Nope_. _Not like this._ Now she had too much to live for. Rachel fought with every bit of energy she had.

Freddie. Olivia. _Jay_. She couldn't lose them.

When the gun went off, Izzy's eyes widened. Her body froze and she looked at Rachel in shock.

The barrel of the gun was pointed at Izzy's chest. Her body slumped. She fell backwards away from Rachel and the gun landed on the cold hard tiles with a crash.

Rachel scrambled to her knees, and checked Izzy for a pulse. _Nothing_.

"Shit, shit." She muttered, pushing down on Izzy's chest. Blood pulsated from the wound between her breasts, pooling on the ground around them.

Rachel stumbled backwards, fell onto her ass. Her hands were shaking as she looked around, her eyes eventually falling on a motionless Will lying at the opposite side of the room.

* * *

Jay's rental car screeched to a halt in Rachel's driveway.

When he was out of the car, he caught sight of the security detail he'd hired to watch over her. It was parked across the street.

A body was slumped over the driver's wheel, and something red was splattered across the windows. The sight in front of him made his pulse quicken.

Tori's car pulled up just after his.

"Stay here," he yelled through the rain as she opened her driver's side door.

He heard a gunshot echo through the sound of the storm. Immediately, he tore across Rachel's front yard and thrust open the front door hard with his shoulder. "Rachel!"

Tori was hot on his heels as he raced through the dark hall. His eyes locked on Rachel on the floor of the kitchen. Blood covered her bathrobe.

Jay's heart felt like it jumped into his throat. He dropped to his knees, frantically searching for a wound. "Where are you hurt?"

"It's not me," she managed to choke out. "It's not my blood."

"Baby are you sure?" There's so much."

"I'm fine," she choked back tears. "Jay, _Will…_ "

Jay tore his gaze away from her long enough to see his brother lying on the floor. He was out cold, blood trickling down the side of his head. Tori was already at his side, trying to coax him awake.

"Shit," Jay pushed himself to his feet, darted to the other side of the kitchen and looked through her drawers. His stomach did a roll when he stepped over Izzy's body. Blood was pouring from a wound in her chest. Her lifeless eyes stared towards the ceiling.

He fumbled for towels in Rachel's cabinets. Grabbing an armful, he raced back to Rachel and Tori. "Here, press these against the bleeding."

"Will? Can you hear me?" Rachel leaned over her brother-in-law while Jay dialled 911.

"Will?" Tori said in a panicked voice. "Open your eyes, damn it."

Jay tried to talk coherently to the ambulance operator on the other side of the call. Outside, sirens roared in the distance but all he could focus on were the towels in Rachel's hands, soaked in his brother's blood.

Two minutes before, he'd hoped and prayed that Rachel wouldn't be hurt. Now he only wanted that for Will.

 **Please Review!**


	15. Chapter 15

Rachel pushed the hospital room door open and smiled at the conversation she'd walked in on.

"Will you _quit_ fussing over me?" Will swatted at the nurse's hand, one Rachel figured he was already familiar with by the way he was speaking to her. "I'm not a four year old."

The nurse raised her eyebrows as Rachel walked into the room. "I think you're the worst person we'd ever had in here, Will." She rolled her eyes, looked over at Tori who was also sitting in the room. "Honestly, how do you put up with him?" She said, rather unprofessionally before rushing out of the room.

Rachel eased properly into the room. The afternoon sunlight shone brightly into the room. "Grumpy?"

"He's being a pain in the ass," Tori said.

"Jeez, gimme a break! You do know what happened to me, right?" Will said, playing on his injury.

Laughing, Rachel stepped up to the bed and touched Will's lower arm. "Hey, a knock on the head will do that to you. Trust me, I know."

After a couple of days, Will's energy was slowly returning. His head was still bandaged and he'd lost a good amount of hair from the side where they'd shaved one side of his scalp. A scalp where he'd needed twenty stitches. Gradually though, he was inching back to his old sarcastic self.

"I think I need a coffee," Tori said and headed towards the door.

"I think you should get me one too," Will called. "Don't go easy on the cream!"

Tori laughed and left the room. When she was gone, Rachel smiled at her brother-in-law. "So you two are a _thing_?"

"What?" He shuffled on the bed so she could sit down at the end of it. He laughed and scratched at his bandages. "Okay, we're just dating. That's all I can get her to agree to right now."

"I get it," Rachel pushed a lose curl from her face. "Hey, you should be nice to her you know. It can't have been nice for her to see you on my kitchen floor like that. You looked like death warmed up."

"Shit," he muttered. "I didn't even think about that."

"Of course you didn't think of that, because you're a guy."

He laughed. "Okay, rude. You think that all men are insensitive, is that it?"

"Well…"

"Let's not go there, you smartass." His face sobered. "How are you?"

Rachel drew in a long breath. Aside from the press hounding her since the story broke out, and the agony that still coursed her veins every time she thought of Jay, she was surviving. _Barely._

"I'm fine." She offered a smile in his direction, but it was one that didn't reach her eyes. "I'll be glad when things settle down. Will, I-"

"If you even think about thanking me, I'll kick you outta here."

A genuine smile curled Rachel's lips. "Okay, I wouldn't dream of it."

"Good." Will furrowed his brow. "You know, my image is shot. I got my _ass_ kicked by a girl."

"Yeah, but a _psycho_ girl. There's a difference. And you weren't the only one."

His eyes glistened. "How is the other guy?"

The other guy was the security detail Jay had posted outside of her beach house. The one she hadn't even _known_ about. The one Izzy had shot in the chest before she'd came through the house and after Will.

"He's gonna live. The paramedics got to him in time."

"Oh, that's great news," Will replied. His hand travelled to where hers sat on his arm and he squeezed it. "Did you talk to Jay?"

Just the mention of his name caused tears to sting the back of her eyes. She swallowed to keep them from falling free. "No."

"Rachel-"

"Please Will, don't start. You have other things to think about, like focusing on getting better."

The door opened, Rachel and Will both glancing over as Jay stuck his head into the room. A smile appeared on his face, sending butterflies through Rachel's insides.

"Your Nurse has gone?" he said.

"You just missed her, bro." Will replied.

"Good." Jay tugged a bag from behind his back as he walked fully into the room. "She'd have my ass out of here for this, guaranteed." He pulled several bags of chips and a cider bottle from the bag and handed them to Will.

"Oh, it's about _time_." Will reached for the goodies.

"I had to sneak them in here, so you wanna keep them hidden," Jay laughed.

Rachel's heart bumped when Jay eventually looked her way. The light T-shirt he sported highlighted his features, mainly his upper arm muscles.

She wanted those strong arms around her like they'd been before any of this had happened. For the first time, Rachel wished she couldn't remember the misery of her life.

Tori pushed the door open, stopping mid-step with two paper cups of coffee in her hands. "What the hell was that?"

Jay turned to mouth an _Oh, shit_ at his brother. At least she wasn't the doctor though.

Apparently Will hadn't moved his goodies in time. "Medicine," he smirked, before taking another sneaky swig.

Tori crossed to the bed and set the coffees on the side table. "That's not allowed when you're on painkillers." She reached for the bottle, but Will held it out of her reach. Pressing it into Jay's hands, he reached instead for Tori's grip.

"Let go of me! You're going to hurt yourself." Tori squirmed. Rachel noticed that her eyes took on a dreamy look, the way they were interacting with each other.

Rachel pushed herself off the bed, feeling like smiling for the first time in days. At least something good had come from this nightmare, they seemed happy. "I think that's my cue to go. I'll maybe see you guys later?"

"They're gonna send me home," Will laughed. "It's about fucking time." His hands were still around the lawyer.

Jay set the bottle on the tray table, running a hand through his hair. "I guess I'll go too," He said, waving a hand at his brother.

"No bringing any more beer, _Jay_." Tori ordered.

"Okay. Yeah, I'll, uh, remember that. See you guys," he said as he made for the door.

Rachel stepped after him into the hall. Her nerves vibrated as he stopped in front of her. It was the first time they'd been alone since the afternoon on Tori's decking.

The door snapped shut behind them. "Do you have to go?" He asked.

Her heart clenched when she looked into his green eyes. It would be so easy to just sink into his arms, to forget everything that had happened. But she knew it wouldn't help. "Yeah. I have a thousand things to do today." _Bit of an over-exaggeration, Rachel_.

"The kids are with Hank again. What do you have to do that's so important?"

 _There it was; the question she'd been dreading him asking._ Because now that meant she had to tell him her plans. And it didn't help that she heard so much _need_ in his voice. "Pack, Jay. I'm leaving."

His eyes widened. "What?" His voice broke. "Where are you going?"

"Back to New York. It's just for a couple of weeks," she struggled to stand her ground because of how defeated Jay looked. She saw panic in his eyes. "I said to Matt I'd cover an assignment up there, I… I need some time away from this place right now."

Jay was silent for so long she wasn't sure if he'd heard her. Then, he spoke quietly. "When are you leaving?"

"Tomorrow night. I thought Hank would be okay staying here until I get back. He'd love the time with Freddie. I didn't know if you'd-"

"He's my son. I want him with me."

Of course he did. That was stupid of her. No matter what happened between the two of them, he'd made an incredible bond with his son and she couldn't break that or take it away. "I know, Jay. It's just that you work. And I didn't want to inconvenience you."

"Hey," his voice softened. "You're never an inconvenience."

Oh, _fuck_. If he kept looking at her with those emotion-filled eyes, she'd never get out of here. Rachel swallowed hard. "So you're alright with Hank keeping him, maybe watching over Olivia, while you're at work?"

"Of course. You don't need to ask that."

A dull ache filled her chest. This was going to be _impossible_.

Sharing the kids would kill her. Having to see him at the weekend when they exchanged, knowing if she weren't so fucking damn stubborn she could have exactly what she wanted.

But she still _hurt_. She hurt from his lies. From the fact he hadn't trusted her enough to tell her the truth and be honest. She was so tired of the lies and secrets that had ruled her life for far too long. Deep inside, she was afraid that she was always going to wonder if he was telling her the truth.

"Okay.." The silence that stretched between them was painful. When she couldn't stand it anymore, she spoke. "I… I need to go finish packing. I'll tell Olivia when I see her this afternoon." She made a turn towards the elevator.

Jay's hand on her arm stopped her. Heat spread along her skin, igniting a fire inside of her. "Wait. We need to talk about us."

Emotions that she didn't want to deal with poured through her. Rachel tried to steady her already shaky voice. "I know, Jay. But I can't right now. I need some time to figure everything out. Things between us happened so fast. I'm really not sure what I need."

"How long do you think it'll take you to figure that out?"

"I don't- I really don't know. I… I don't expect you to wait for me."

His head gave the slightest nod before his eyes dropped to the floor. They looked glazed and watery when he finally locked his eyes with her again. "I'd wait for you forever."

* * *

She was sick of telling herself to stop crying, eventually letting them fall as she finished packing clothes in her bedroom.

Rachel was feeling emotional already, and the events of the rest of her afternoon hadn't helped. When she'd broken the news to Olivia about her leaving for a few weeks, she'd all but crushed her daughter's heart. And she couldn't blame her, she'd half expected the girl to kick up major fuss and threaten to never speak to her mother ever again. Instead, Olivia hadn't said anything for a while, stood in front of Rachel and nodded as her mother spoke.

 _It's only for a few weeks_ she'd promised _Then I'll be back_.

She hated that her relationship with Olivia was still progressing and now she was fucking leaving. She hated herself for doing it but knew it was something that had to happen. It was just too fucking difficult to stay.

It had hurt even more to leave Jay's house.

Jay's house where she'd lived her life for the past few weeks, where she'd felt at home and slept next to him in his bed.

Jay's house where she'd bonded more with Olivia, only beginning to make their relationship stronger.

Tonight, she'd picked up Freddie, wanting him to stay with her tonight; telling Hank she'd drop him back in the morning. Somehow he brought her a little bit of comfort, at a time where she thought that wasn't possible.

Now he was in bed though, she felt more alone than ever.

Her fresh tears dripped slowly onto the folded clothes she'd put in the suitcase already. Each item she put in there was another reminder that she was actually leaving.

Away from her original home, away from the mess that was now her life, away from _Jay_.

Every single thought she was having somehow ended back on him. And she was going away because she was too stubborn to do anything about how she was feeling.

"Momma?" A small timid voice spoke from the other side of the door. It was another two seconds passed before Freddie pushed her bedroom door open. "What are you doing, Momma?"

 _Crap._ She didn't need her son to come in the bedroom right now because she hadn't told him what she was doing. _Shit._

Freddie walked slowly into the room and pointed towards the suitcase. "Are you going somewhere Momma?"

She sniffed before turning towards him, wiping at her cheeks before he saw she was crying. "I have to go away for a few weeks with work, baby. You're gonna stay with Daddy, okay?"

Rachel turned to see a frown on his face, and she couldn't blame him because he was bound to be confused. There was a faint nod of his head. "Okay, Momma. I'm staying with Daddy and Livi?"

"Yeah, sweetie." She walked from the opposite side of the room and kneeled in front of him. "And I think your Grandpa is going to stay too." She wanted to take his mind away from the fact that she was going to be gone, they hadn't been apart for that long before. The thought had crossed her mind to take Freddie to New York, but she didn't want to do that to Jay. Plus, Freddie had learnt to practically _worship_ his father and they had one of those unbreakable bonds, she couldn't do that.

A wave of temporary excitement washed over the youngster's face. Rachel watched as it slowly turned to apprehension with a tinge of sadness. "But when are you coming back?"

"Freddie," she pulled him close. "Momma will be back before you know it. You're gonna stay with Daddy and your big sister though, that'll be fun!"

She felt a nod of his head against her chest. Rachel planted a kiss into the brown strands of his hair and stood with him still in her arms. She carried him through the hallway into his bedroom and onto his mattress. He lay on tiny portion of the bed whilst she sat next to him and ran her fingers through his hair.

"You've gotta go to sleep now okay? It's past your bedtime baby, Momma will see you tomorrow." She lowered herself to his level again and this time kissed his forehead.

He blinked up at her with his deep green eyes. "I'm just gonna miss you," he whispered.

She looked down at him and it occurred to her just how much he looked like his father. The same shade of hair, the same nose, the same painful look in their sea green eyes when she told them she was leaving. It killed her even more.

"I'll miss you too, Fredster." She cuddled him close and felt like she needed the cuddle even more than he did.

* * *

Glancing down at her boarding pass, Rachel made her way through the over-crowded terminal. _Trust me to pick one of the biggest travelling days to ever fucking exist_ she thought.

She checked her watch. There was almost an hour until her flight up to JFK. She didn't want to sit at the gate for all that time. With a sigh, she headed towards the nearest coffee cart and grabbed herself a latté.

Sinking into a chair nearby, she sipped her coffee and tried to tell herself that she'd done the right thing. If she was lucky, a couple of weeks away would clear her head and give her something else to focus on besides the craziness that had become her life.

And _maybe_ upon her return she'd have a clue what she was going to do about Jay.

Rachel listened to the muffled conversations around her. An attractive couple strolling past the coffee cart, arm in arm. The man smiled, brushed the woman's light hair from her neck and kissed against her ear. The woman leaned into his chest, grinning.

The glint of matching bright silver bands on their fingers caught her attention. _Newlyweds._

A young girl with dark hair, Rachel deciphered she looked a little younger than Olivia, ran up to them. A welcoming smile spread across the main's face as he wrapped an arm around the girl, and the woman paid for their drinks.

Rachel's eyes slid closed. _She could have that._ If she really wanted it, she could have that. And so much more.

 _I'd wait for you forever_. His words replayed in her mind.

Tears stung her eyes. She loved Jay. That wasn't the issue. At this point, she didn't even question anymore what she felt for him. She couldn't fight it any more than he could.

But was it enough? Would she be able to forget the rest of it? His lies? The hurt she'd felt when she'd eventually found out the truth, and it hadn't all been from him?

Would she ever be able to trust him again?

The couple from the coffee cart settled around a table next to her.

"But how long are you going to be gone?" the young girl asked, slurping at her drink through a straw.

The deepness of the man's voice made Rachel glance sideways. "Long enough for your mom to realize she can't live without me." He lifted the woman's hand and kissed her fingers.

The woman ran her other hand across his rugged face. "That, I can answer. I already know I can't."

He smiled. "Well it took you long enough to figure it out. _You made me wait forever_."

Another woman walked up to the empty chair of their table. "It's a good think you're both so forgiving. You let all that other crap get in the way for much too long. Who said what to whom and _blah blah blah_. I swear, words cause more trouble than they're worth most of the time."

She shouldn't have been listening to a stranger's conversation as intensely as she was, but she continued anyway.

 _All that other crap._

Rachel swallowed. Was that what she was doing? Letting fucking circumstances ruin her life? Letting what Jay had or hadn't told her interfere with what she felt in her soul?

If she let her heart make her next decision for her, she wouldn't be sitting here wondering what the hell to do next.

He _loved_ her. Anything he'd kept from her, he'd done it to keep her safe. She knew that. Even if she didn't like it, she knew everything he'd done was only for her. It always had been.

The muscles in her chest tightened.

Suddenly, forever seemed much too long. All this time, she'd been searching for a past she thought would save her, when she should have been trusting her heart. It was the love buried deep inside that had the power to show her what was _real_. After that, nothing else mattered. Not really.

She clambered to her feet. Her latté spilled across the table.

The woman on the next table- the newlywed one- leaned across the chairs between them and threw her a pile of napkins to clean up the spilled coffee. "Here, let me help you."

"Thank you," Rachel mopped against the mess. "I wasn't thinking."

"It happens," the woman replied. When Rachel met her gaze, concern was flowing through the woman's pale blue eyes. "Hey, are you okay?"

"No. _Yes._ " She reached for her travel bag and her purse, not sure whether to laugh or burst into tears. "I have to go. You have a beautiful family."

The woman smiled. "Thanks."

"No, thank you."

"For what?" The woman asked, confused.

"For reminding me what really matters."


	16. Chapter 16

Jay tugged at the collar of his tux as he sat at a table in the packed ballroom. Men and women in formal dress swayed across the floor in the middle of the room. The band on stage beat out notes to a jazz song, while the light glittered from massive chandeliers on the ceiling.

In the midst of what had happened in the last few weeks, he'd temporarily forgotten about his duties as a Sergeant: duties outside of the job that meant he had to keep up a good public image. To look like he was doing right by the city. Tonight he found himself in the middle of the city, surrounded by some of his District and members of the local community.

He didn't _want_ to be here. The last thing he needed tonight was to be surrounded by a bunch of people that he had no use for. What he wanted to be, was hope with the kids, perhaps drowning his sorrows in a few beers after they'd gone to bed.

Jay was struggling to remember what this damn charity event was even for. He didn't really care. If he hadn't already committed to it, he'd have come up with an excuse to get out of it.

He hated that he'd taken everybody's advice- that showing his face at an event like this would be good for his reputation. It would be a good thing for the Police Department. Right now though, he didn't give a fuck about his reputation.

The last thing he cared about was pleasing people. He shouldn't have listened.

"I hear tonight is going well. They're going to make a killing,"

"Huh?" The interruption interrupted him free from his thoughts. The woman's voice to the left of him dragged him back to reality.

He looked at her. She had to have been at least 70 years old, with the lightest grey hair it was almost white, a silver beaded long-sleeved dress and exquisite rings all over her fingers. Jay vaguely remembered she was responsible for several _generous_ donations to the District.

But how the hell he'd gotten stuck on a table with her was beyond him.

 _He should have brought a date._ Then at least he wouldn't have to listen to the older woman's monotone and whiny voice.

The problem was, he couldn't even think about dating anybody right now. He didn't even think he ever could. There was only one woman he wanted, and she was on a plane halfway to New York by now.

"Inner City Youth, of course." The old woman continued. "I can't believe there are so many people here supporting them. It's so wonderful, don't you think?"

 _Inner City Youth._ Right. That was what he was here for.

"Yeah," Jay faked an interest in the conversation. "They'll sure make a killing." Barely listening to her, Jay calculated how much longer he had to stay before he could sneak away.

"It's terrible news about that nasty business you were in," the woman went on. "I heard your wife left."

His gaze snapped to her. "What?"

She waved a wrinkly hand. "Oh, honey. Nobody can keep secrets in this town. You know, my daughter just finalized her divorce. She's about your age. I should give you her number."

 _Fucking bingo_. That did it. Jay pushed out of his chair and forced her a polite smile. "Would you excuse me?"

He didn't wait around for a response, instead weaving through the crowded dance floor, afraid he might just explode if he didn't get out soon. Freedom was teasing him from the furthest corner of the room.

He was stopped a couple of times by acquaintances.

"Sergeant Halstead, it's so good to see you."

"Jay, where have you been? I heard about what happened with Erin, that's crazy-"

Each one grated even more on his already frayed nerves.

Excusing himself from the last conversation, he stepped towards the door, only to be stopped by a familiar voice.

"Jay Halstead, it's so good to see you."

 _Oh shit. Louisa._

He stared into her face, the face that was surrounded by her thick main of fiery red hair. The last time he'd seen her, he'd left her in the hotel room. In a bathrobe. Praying he wouldn't have to see her ever again.

Looking at her now, he couldn't for the life of him remember what the _hell_ he'd seen in her. He tried his best to be polite, to not make it seem as though he was in a fight to get out of here. _Public image, and all that._ "I didn't expect to see you in Chicago."

She laughed, the throaty cackle that he hadn't missed at all. "My agent roped me into this, since I was just outside of the city. It's good publicity."

That made sense. Of course she wasn't here because she actually _cared_ about the Inner City Youth.

"You look good, Jay." She took a step closer. "I was so sorry to hear about your recent drama."

"Yeah, I bet you were."

She threw him a seductive smile, batting together her long fake eyelashes. "You never told me about your wife."

"Well we didn't really get around to discussing anything serious, did we?" He replied.

Louisa edged closer, slid an arm through his and leaned close to breathe in his ear. "Why don't you and I go somewhere quiet, you can tell me all the details. I'm a very good listener."

 _Being with her was the last fucking thing he wanted._ He pulled her hand away from his. "Don't you have a date?"

Stupid question, of course she would have a date.

She waved a hand into the air. "Oh, he's around here somewhere. A complete bore, though. I'd much rather catch up with you, Jay, I haven't seen you in a while. I think you _owe_ me."

 _Not gonna happen. Not a chance in hell_.

He grimaced. "You know, as tempting as that is, I think I'll have to pass."

Jay' eyes darted towards the door, he wasn't far away from it now. So close to freedom. _So close._

The air all but clogged in his lungs when Rachel stepped into the room.

She was dressed in jeans, a snug T-shirt, sneakers and a leather jacket that hung off one of her shoulders. Her curly mass of brown hair was wild around her face and her cheeks were flushed, almost as though she'd just run ten blocks.

And standing there, surrounded by woman in ten–thousand dollar dresses wearing every piece of jewellery imaginable, she was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen.

 _She was supposed to be on a plane_. Jay's surprise combined with worry. He jogged her way, barely hearing Louisa as she called out to him. Jogging turned into a fully-fledged run as he got closer.

When Rachel spotted him, she pushed through the crown, making a beeline straight for him.

"What's wrong?" he asked when he reached her. "What happened?"

"Nothing," she said. "Everything. I mean…"

She was flustered. She _never_ got flustered. Jay's worry raked up a notch. "What-"

Her gaze dropped to his left hand and she sighed, reached for him and slid her fingers into his own. She touched his wedding band. "You're still wearing this."

"I always wear it."

"You're an idiot, Jay Halstead. You were going to sit here and wait for me to make up my mind. Weren't you?"

"I told you I would."

"I really don't deserve you."

His heart leaped inside. "Are you saying you _want_ me?"

She tightened her grip in his fingers. "I've been fighting who I am and what I want because I can't remember my life. Tonight, sitting in that airport, I realized that you are the kids _are_ my life. I've let too much other crap get in the way. I… I don't want to do that anymore."

She _wanted_ them. Jay's heart felt like it was going to erupt from his chest, and his eyes slid closed. "You'd better be sure, because I can't go through losing you again. Twice in one lifetime is too much. If you want this, it's got to be forever."

"Jay, look at me." Her other hand moved towards his face, and her soft touch against his jaw brought open his eyes. "I'm still upset that you lied to me. But I guess I understand why you did it. I know it was because you love me, and you were trying to keep me safe. But as well as your love, I need your _trust_. I need to know that when things get bad, you're always going to be there for me. That I can count on you."

"Baby, I will. You can."

"And I need to know that deep down, no matter what, you believe I'll be there for you. Marriage is a partnership. It's one that doesn't work without trust."

She was talking about _marriage_. Jay's heart felt like it grew three sizes in his chest. "Rachel-"

He was cut off by her stepping close. So close he could feel the heat from her body, smell the familiar odor of her perfume and the scent of her skin, see the tears glinting in her eyes.

"Jay, I'll tell you what I want. I want you to kiss me like you did in that hotel room, to make love to me like you did at my beach house. I want to wake up with you every morning and go to bed with you every night. I want our kids and our life together. I want it all but right now, I just want you."

He couldn't breathe. She _wanted_ him. Really wanted him. Even after he'd screwed things up so badly between them.

Her thumb brushed against his bottom lip, sending sparks of heat straight to her soul. "I love you, Jay Halstead. I always have. I was just too stubborn to realize that's the only thing that really matters."

Jay cradled her face in his hands, wiping a tear that had fallen onto her lashes. "Why did it take you so damn long to figure that out?" He smiled.

She grinned as he kissed her, as he wound his arms around her, as he pulled her so tight. The walls that they'd built from each other were all melting away. "I have brain damage remember? It takes me a little longer to figure things out."

"Oh, is that what it is?" Jay's relief moulded together with the music of the ballroom, elating his mood. "Here I was thinking you just liked to see me suffer."

"Only in the bedroom, of course," she smirked. "Only when that suffering leads to pleasure for both of us. Speaking of which," she spoke against his shoulder. "I could go for a bit of that pleasure right now? That is, if you don't mind leaving this party early…"

His whole body tightened at the suggestive implications of her words. He couldn't wait to get her home, strip her naked and lay her out on his bed. On _their_ bed

Jay eased back, his humor fading as he looked down at the woman he'd loved, lost and would never be stupid enough to let go of again.

Somewhere around them, he was vaguely aware of a camera bulb flashing and capturing their faces but he really didn't care.

"I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry for not being honest with you. For not trusting what was happening between us. I was so afraid of losing you again that I did _exactly_ what I was trying to stop. I pushed you right out of my arms. It won't happen again, I promise. We're gonna have no more secrets."

"No more secrets," she agreed. "Unless it's Christmas. Or my birthday. Or our anniversary. Actually, come to think of it, today…" her eyes sparkled with a glint of naughtiness. "…this could be a good anniversary for us to remember in the future. The day we finally found our way back to each other."

 _She was cracking jokes._ His heart felt like it was about to grow wings and tear away from his body. Like it might just fly right out of his chest. His Erin- his Rachel- was the only person in the world who knew exactly what he needed.

"I love you," he whispered. "I love you so much. So much more than I ever did before and I don't know how that's possible. Please don't ever leave me."

Her face softened. And love- a love he'd never expected to have ever again- shone into the depth of her hazel eyes that were sparkling under the bright chandelier lights.

"Never. I'm never going to leave you. Jay, take me home."

* * *

"We should wake them," he whispered. "They'll want to know you're home."

She stuck her head around the door and joined Jay's, taking in the sight of their two children cuddled with one another. Once she'd smiled at the sight and felt her heart excel in her chest, she turned back to her husband. "We can tell them tomorrow. There's no point in disturbing them. I just want to be with you."

"You're right," he mouthed, looking down into her eyes. He intertwined their fingers and guided her slowly from the room.

He reached the door to their bedroom and pushed it open with an elbow. When he'd led them both into the room, he closed the door gently behind them.

"Baby, come here." His words were soft as he cupped her face with his hands. Jay spun her round so she was facing away from him, wrapping his arms around her body and slowly starting to undress her. He started with her T-shirt, crossing his arms across her stomach and pulling the material carefully over her head. His eyes caught sight of her bare skin and his lips travelled to caress the nape of her neck.

She was _so_ beautiful, and he wanted to savour every single moment with her. Even if she had just promised him forever, tonight he got her back.

Jay heard her gasp as he reached for the fastening of her jeans, pulling them ever so slowly down her legs to reveal more of her. He watched as she stepped out of the denim, turning herself around to face him.

The only light in the room came from the moon and it shone perfectly on her face. Jay watched as her eyes moved lovingly to meet his own and she moulded their bodies into one.

Rachel ran her hands across the length of his chest before removing the suit jacket from his shoulders. Then her hands scrunched at the crisp material of his dress shirt. Her fingers were shaky, but they made quick work of the buttons, popping them open exposing his torso.

Before she removed any more of his clothes, she took a step away from him and gazed at him with such admiration it shot straight through to his soul.

"I love you," she whispered, reaching for his hand and pulling him towards the bed.

She dropped back onto the comforter, keeping a firm grip on his back so he went with her. She watched as he tore at the zipper of his dress pants before focusing every single inch of his attention on his wife.

He let his hands roam freely around her body before wrapping one around her back and caressing her jawline with the other one. "You came back to me."

"I came back to you," she confirmed, her breathing hot and heavy as his hands continued their journey of her body.

Jay pushed a load of her curls from her face, wanting to see as much of her as he could. "Rachel-"

She tensed. Knowing that being here with him, in his arms, in his bed, in his room, in his house, that wasn't who she was.

One of her fingers touched against his lips, moving down slowly to cause the bottom one to curl under her caress. "Don't."

"Don't what?" His face backed away and he looked at her with concern. "What did I do?"

"You called me Rachel," she whispered, pulling his face close again. "That's not who I am, or who I want to be, when I'm with you."

Jay's eyes closed for a few seconds before he looked at her. A small furrow spread across his brow, before he relaxed and realized what she was trying to say. His mouth opened and closed a couple of times before he allowed the name to slip from his lips. " _Erin,"_ he whispered.

Her eyes fluttered this time, her lashes covering her hazel pupils already sparkling half with tears and half with desire.

Something about him using the name felt so damn familiar. She felt like she knew they'd been in this situation before. Not in the bed, because he'd moved after her disappearance, but perhaps one very similar. One where he'd held her like he was doing now, about to make love to her like he sure well used to do.

"Say it again," she murmured, her head rolling back as he moved his attention to her bare neck.

He didn't care that maybe she was just in the moment, and she would be Rachel again tomorrow. He didn't care that maybe this was just temporary. Because right now she wanted him to call her by the name she'd had when he'd first fallen in deep and ever-lasting love with her. " _Erin,_ " he put emphasis on it.

She pulled his lips towards her own and kissed him deeply. She couldn't be sure if it was just in this instance but the name leaving his lips in the darkness sent shivers through her entire body.

She reached lower for his underwear, breaking him free and slowly drawing him inside her. She heard a gasp escape his throat before he nibbled the line of her jaw.

It was her turn to be left breathless as he slid slowly and rhythmically in and out of her until they fell asleep wrapped in each other's embrace.

* * *

"I have a surprise for you," Jay turned from the cooker as he spoke. Both of his children looked in his direction.

"Surprise? What is it, Daddy?" Freddie frowned.

"Surprise? Dad, you know I hate surprises." Olivia rolled her eyes and folded her arms across her chest. Then she narrowed her eyes, sceptically. "What is it?"

Jay raised his eyebrows, looking towards the door. He beckoned towards her with a finger and she came into the room.

"Mama!" Freddie practically bounced from the chair, running to Rachel and hugging her legs.

"Mom," Olivia copied her brother's actions, but with not as much energy. "Mom, you came back to us."

Rachel nodded, wrapping an arm around each of them. She ruffled Freddie's hair and planted a kiss on Olivia's forehead. "I did, and I don't want to be without you guys for another minute."

"Does that mean you're staying?" Olivia hugged Rachel's waist. "You're staying for good this time?"

"That's the plan," she laughed.

"I like that plan," Olivia replied, smiling as her mom tucked one of her curls behind her ear.

"Me too Mommy, me too!" Freddie said, looking up into Rachel's eyes.

"Yeah, me _three_." Jay laughed, walking from the cooker to join them. He picked up Freddie before kissing into the hair of his wife and daughter. "Come on, I made breakfast."

He dropped Freddie into the chair and watched as Olivia sat beside him. As he served their food, he pulled Rachel to the side.

"Don't hate me," Jay muttered.

"What?" She furrowed her brow.

"So I remember you telling me about those headaches you were having recently. I don't know if they're anything to do with your accident, but I…I booked you a doctor's appointment-"

"Jay…"

"Would you please just go for me? It would put my mind at rest and-"

"Sure, I'll go. When is it?"

"Uh, today actually. I didn't get a chance to cancel when you said you were leaving." He tore his gaze from her temporarily and looked at the clock that was hung on the wall. "12.30."

She nodded before wrapping her arms around his waist. "12.30."

"Alright Jay, what have you cooked up for breakfast this morn-" The familiar tones of Hank's voice travelled into the kitchen before he came into sight. He looked towards the children first before turning and unexpectedly seeing Rachel. "What the-"

"Hi," she broke apart from Jay and smiled.

"I thought you were-"

"I changed my mind. I realized I needed to be with my family." She nodded.

"Oh," a wide grin spread across his face. "Well, welcome home."

* * *

It felt like two seconds ago that she was last in this doctor's office with Jay. Except now she was without him and somehow being here alone scared her.

Of course, she'd been through numerous CAT scans in the past, but things were different now she knew her old doctor was a fake. Knowing the truth was coming from a real doctor when she didn't have anybody in the office with her to lean on scared her a little. After pacing around beside the window for a while, she eventually sat down in the patient chair and waited for her Doctor to come back into the room.

Though she was sitting, she couldn't stop her leg from bouncing up and down against the desk. Why was she this nervous? She was totally used to tests and stuff, why would this time be any different?

She wasn't sure what Jay had told the Doctor the appointment was for, but she sure felt like he did every test under the sun on her today. Rachel felt as though she'd never been prodded and jabbed and poked at this much in the past.

There was also the fact that he wasn't back in the room yet that was freaking her out. Why was he taking so fucking long? It was causing her thoughts to go into overdrive.

She felt as though she'd been sitting for days when she finally heard the latch on the door click open. Her Doctor walked in, adjusted his glasses and walked towards the desk she sat behind. He took a while to clear his throat and adjust the papers in his hands before he started speaking.

"Ms Wilson, how are you feeling?"

"I'm okay," she nodded and played down how stressed she really felt. A couple of headaches didn't really mean anything, she felt as though she was wasting his time.

"That's good to know. Now," he shuffled the papers he'd dropped on the desk. "I see your husband was concerned about you. It's probably pretty normal considering what you've been through," she knew he was referring to the papers, obviously _everybody_ had seen the story; now anybody and everybody knew she was alive, and somebody who worked for Jay had been trying to kill her.

He continued. "I'm afraid I can't say much other than what I said on your last visit here. I can't say for certain about your memories, but I guess there's always hope." He cleared his throat and played with the rim of his glasses. She found it distracting but listened to him anyway. "One day you might have a trigger, one that reminds you of something that happened before your accident."

She nodded. Was this why Jay had wanted her to come back? She didn't want to disappoint him by telling him nothing had changed on the memory situation.

Her eyes averted away from him as she stood up. _So, it wasn't all good news._

"Thank you," she said, waving a hand in his direction." She hadn't exactly been given the best news, but she noticed the smile didn't drop from the doctor's face.

She turned and headed towards the door, nodding another thanks in his direction.

"Oh Rachel, before you go," he suddenly said. "There's one more thing you should know."

 **Please Review :)**


	17. Chapter 17

"Where did she go?"

"The doctor's," Jay stirred cream into his coffee. "I remember her saying she was having pretty bad headaches lately. She tried to blame it on the amount she's cried these past few weeks, but I just wanted to be sure. Sure that it isn't something else."

Hank smiled. "You're a good guy, Jay," he grabbed the lunch dishes from the table and dropped them into the sink. "I didn't think it was possible for you to care about and love her more than you did before. But, you do." He turned to where Jay was standing, planting a firm grip on his shoulder. "You know me, and you know I'm not one to be sentimental _but_ I can see how good it feels to have her back. Take her out tonight, I'll watch the children."

"You don't have to do that-"

"Hey, I want to. Besides, I want all the time I can get with them, if I'm gonna be heading back soon."

"Wait, you're leaving?" Jay put down his coffee and frowned. "Hank, you just got here. I know everything is on the road to recovery, but you don't have to leave yet."

"I hear that, but you just got your family back. You guys need time together. Besides, I came here with the worry that you needed my help and that's clearly not the case. I was worried about the District when I definitely didn't need to be. Obviously I left it in the right hands," he nodded. "You're a pretty good Sergeant."

He smiled to show he'd heard the compliment. "Hank, you're part of this family too. You don't have to leave so soon."

"I think I'll stay a few more days," he headed towards the stairs. "Maybe I won't leave it too long this time until I come back though," he added.

"Yeah, good idea." Jay raised his voice to make sure he heard him. He finished the rest of his coffee and threw the empty cup into the sink.

What time was it anyway? He glanced towards the clock on the wall, the time reading 1:45. Was she still at the doctor's appointment? Surely it wasn't supposed to take this long. She hadn't called or anything yet to tell him if anything was wrong.

He wasn't going to let his thoughts go there, they didn't deserve any more bad luck. Things were _headed_ in the right direction. He walked upstairs, the kids would prove a distraction until she got home.

"What are you guys up to?" He asked as he walked towards Olivia's bedroom.

"Watching Batman, Daddy! Batman!" Freddie turned in his direction, pointing towards the TV screen. "Are you going to watch too?"

"I think I just might," he laughed, going further into the room. "Hey Liv, you didn't tell me you were a _Batman_ fan…"

"Shut up Dad," she rolled her eyes. "I'm not, but Freddie is and he wanted to watch it so we're watching it." She ruffled her little brother's hair and he laughed. "Where's Mom?"

"She's at the doctor's, babe." He eased himself next to them on the edge of the bed. He watched his daughter look up from her cell phone with a worried expression. "It's okay, it's just a check-up," he said, trying to convince himself in the process.

Olivia nodded and went back to scrolling through her phone. "Okay," she muttered.

"Daddy, this is the good bit this is the good bit!" Freddie slapped his fingers against Jay's arm and pointed at the TV again with his other hand.

"I'm watching, Fredster." He replied, watching the little boy be so in awe of the program.

He watched with them for what felt like hours, but Jay kept checking the time on his watch. Eventually, he heard the click of the front door. Quickly, he excused himself from the room and made his way towards the stairs.

Thank _God_. "There you are."

"Hey," she smiled and closed the door behind her.

She looked tired and Jay regretted not accompanying her to the appointment. "How did it go?" He reached the bottom of the stairs and pulled her close, wrapping arms around her shoulders and resting his chin in her hair. "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, everything's okay," she nodded into his chest. "Except I feel like a human pin cushion," she laughed.

"I'm sorry," he grimaced and pulled his head away so he could look at her. Even without make-up and with a face fresh from doctor's procedures, she was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. "What did he say?"

She knew what the doctor had said wasn't what Jay wanted to hear. "He couldn't really say anything about my memory. He told me that one day there could be a trigger and I could remember something from before. But I didn't want to get my hopes up, Jay. Maybe I'm never going to remember-"

"And your headaches? They're nothing to worry about?"

She held one of her hands against his face. "They're nothing to worry about, Jay."

Jay nodded. "Okay," he cupped her face and kissed her before reaching for her hand. "Are you hungry?"

"I'm starving," she laughed.

"I got you," Jay pulled her through into the kitchen. "Does grilled cheese sound okay?"

She fought to stop herself from groaning. "Grilled cheese sounds amazing actually," She followed him through into the kitchen and collapsed into one of the chairs. He immediately started prepping her food. "Damn, if this is what I'm in for when I live with you Jay Halstead, I'm really looking forward to it."

He laughed then, turning back in her direction from the counter. "Hey, you missed out on my cooking for five years, I gotta get back in those good books of yours." He plated her food and walked towards her. "Did you want coffee, babe?"

She nodded her head at first, before dropping her jaw slightly and shaking her head instead. "No, I'm good thank you." She focused her attention on the dish Jay pushed in front of her.

 _Weird_ he thought. No matter what aspects of her personality had changed, she wasn't usually one to turn down a caffeine fix. Still, he wasn't going to think too much into it and leaned against the kitchen counter while she ate.

"What kinda tests did he do with you?" He asked, genuinely curious.

"Oh, just the ones I'm pretty much used to. My blood pressure, my heart-rate, a sample of my pee…"

"Nice." Jay grimaced at the thought. Tensed at the fact _he_ was the one who told her to go, who'd put her through it. She hadn't put up a fight, but he felt guilty for at least not going with her. He was gonna make it up to her.

"So," he watched as she turned in the chair to face him whilst he spoke. "Hank said he would watch over the kids tonight, and I was thinking we could, you know, go out somewhere. There's places in the city that I bet you're gonna love. We could try out a new restaurant, drink some wine-"

"I'd love to," she replied. "But I can't."

Jay chewed on his bottom lip. "Oh what, did you have other plans or something?" He joked before his face fell solemn. "I'm sorry, it's just something I thought you'd want to do."

"It's not…it…it's not that, Jay." She wiped the crumbs from around her lips and moved to push her dish into the sink. Then she turned towards him. "The tests that the doctor carried out on me, they showed him…well…"

"They showed him what?"

"There's a reason I can't go out and drink tonight."

Jay gripped against the counter behind him. "Should I be worried right now? Because you're scaring me."

"No," she closed the gap between them. She kissed him warmly before pulling one of his arms from the counter and onto her stomach. "Nothing to be worried about, _Daddy_."

Jay frowned before looked down at where she'd locked their fingers. "Wait, are you-"

She secured her eyes with his own and grinned, a smile that reached every aspect of her face making her the picture of genuine happiness. "He was able to tell so early on because of all the tests, it's early I know it's too early to tell anybody else but I love you and I just-"

"Baby, you're pregnant? Like, really pregnant?"

"I'm really pregnant," she laughed, repeating his words. "He said it looked like I'm about four weeks."

"Four weeks?" Jay arched an eyebrow, before memories of their first night together – since her return- flooded his mind. "Oh, the _beach house_."

"I think so," she giggled.

"This is amazing, you have no idea how happy I am right now. And how much I love you." He kept one hand on her flat stomach, bringing the other one to her face. "I can't wait for our family to be complete."

She couldn't find the words to reply, tears welling in her lower eyelids. Instead, she nodded and kissed him.

"Do me a favor?" Jay smiled as he watched her head drop into his palm. Then a laugh spread his lips. "Okay I know the last favor you did for me had you feeling like a test subject, but how about we still head out for a little while tonight? Hank already said he would watch Liv and Freddie. I could call a few from the District, I know some of them are _dying_ to see you. You know, before all of this happened they loved you up there."

"They did?"

"Er, of course they did. I may be bias though but who wouldn't?" He grinned. "There's a bar called Molly's where we all used to hang out with each other. They were a big part of our life. I know they'd love to see you again."

She chewed her lip. "I don't know-"

"It's gonna be okay, I promise. We could just have an hour there and then come home, whatever you want to do." He wrapped his arms around her and pulled them together as one. "Or I could suggest somewhere different to Molly's if you didn't feel comfortable there? I'll-"

"It's alright, we can go to Molly's," she replied. "Make those calls, and I'll go and get ready."

* * *

"Okay, I think I have it." She melted into his embrace as his arm wrapped further around her waist. They walked around the final corner. "There's Adam and Kevin, and Kim. And there's Alvin too, but he won't be there tonight? And we know Gabby and Hellmann behind the bar." She turned into his body and looked into his eyes. "So, did I get it right?"

Jay chuckled and pressed his mouth against her hair, his laugh sending vibrations into her skull. "It's Herrmann, baby, not Hellman. But other than that, perfect."

"Oh," she laughed at her mistake. She turned to the building Jay had stopped in front of. "Is this Molly's?"

"This is Molly's," he replied.

"And our friends are all inside there?" she asked nervously.

Jay sensed she was anxious, and she had every reason to be. The last time they were together with their colleagues and friends felt like a lifetime ago. It _was_ a lifetime ago. He loosened the grip on her waist and took hold of her hand instead. "Hey, its fine I promise you'll like them. They're good guys-"

"I'm not nervous about not liking them, I'm nervous about them not liking _me_. I'm not the same person as I was five years ago."

"You keep saying that, but I feel like you are. There's small differences about you, but there's not much about you that has changed. You don't have to be nervous about anything, I swear it."

She nodded against him and followed him through the heavy doors.

The bar was busier than she'd expected, had this really been the place where she'd loved to hang out before she'd lost all recollection of it?

She stayed a step behind Jay as they walked over to the bar. It didn't take long for people to recognize her.

From the description Jay had given her, the first girl who walked up to her was Kim. And, also according to her husband, they'd been best friends before her disappearance; they'd worked on a number of cases together.

"Oh my God, it's really you. I saw it on the news and stuff but… it's really you."

She slowly moved out of Jay's shadow and smiled. "Kim? It's…uh…nice to meet you."

"Would it be totally inappropriate if I hugged you right now?"

"I think that would be okay." She watched as Kim stepped towards her and wrapped an arm across her shoulders.

"You can leave Jay to get the drinks," Kim grabbed hold of her hand. She quickly waved at Jay. "Hi, by the way. Come and join us."

She let Kim drag her to the other end of the bar, shooting a glance back at Jay before she disappeared from his view. He gave her a reassuring smile, mouthing he would be over in a second.

Two other guys were sitting at the table, and she guessed they were Adam and Kevin. By the way Kim moved from her side to sit beside one of them, she guessed who was who. They both stared at her for a second before they said anything.

"Holy shit," the guy she'd worked out was Adam spoke first. She watched as Kim poked him in the ribs for his unusual greeting. "Uhh, sorry I mean hi."

She lifted a hand and waved. "Hey, Adam?" She said, hoping she was right. "Kevin?" She turned to the guy at the opposite end of the booth.

"Hey. How're you doing?" he nodded in her direction. "We missed you Linds, I, uh, mean Rachel."

She chewed her lip for a minute, really unsure what to say at first. "It's nice to meet you guys. I just wish I could remember what I knew about you all," she added quietly.

"We'll get it back," Kim said, nodding her head. Then her gaze moved further across the room, back towards the bar. "Looks like Jay got the round in," she laughed.

She felt his body come up behind her as he almost threw the tray of drinks onto the table.

"Yes, vodka!" Adam shouted.

Before anybody reached for one, Jay grabbed the glass that was nearest to him and gave it to her. Moving to her side, he pushed a curl behind her ear, leaned in close and whispered in a low tone.

"It's lime and soda, I hope that's okay,"

His breath tickled her ear. "Perfect," she whispered in reply, smiling as he gradually slid a hand behind her back.

Jay forced his attention away from his wife. "So I see you've met our friends," he smiled and touched his lips lightly to her temple.

"I have," she took a sip through the straw. She watched as the other three cheer's-ed their drinks together giving her opportunity to turn to Jay. "They seem nice," she murmured.

He laughed. "Once you get to know them, nice will _not_ be the word you use to describe them. Adam used to get on your nerves sooo bad sometimes, Kevin used to baby-sit Olivia for us. You know, when we had date nights."

She raised an eyebrow. "We had date nights? Were they a regular thing?"

"They were. You used to love them. I'm excited to make them a thing again," he smiled. "Although, there'll be no dates involving alcohol for you for a while," Jay let his eyes briefly glance at her stomach.

"Shh!" She nudged him in the side. "It's too early to talk about that. And totally not the right place to do so," she whispered to him before moving from his hold and taking the seat beside Kevin.

"I'm never going to _stop_ talking about it," he continued to whisper. "But I'll keep the topic between us until we have a scan." He turned his attention to the others. "So, how have you been keeping my District?"

"Pretty good actually," Adam laughed. "Come to think of it, I don't think we even need you there…" That got him another nudge from Kim.

"That's perfectly fine with me," Jay replied looking again at his wife. The look she gave back gave him the overpowering urge to kiss her so he did, caressing the side of her face where her scar was and pulling her lips onto his own.

"Oh God you two, get a room will you?" Kim laughed. "Seriously, Jay everybody knows you just got each other back. You have a duty at the District but you should take your time. We get it."

"I love you guys," Jay scratched the back of his head. "Oh, look." He pulled out his cell phone and scrolled to a picture of Freddie before flipping the screen for them to see. "So, I have a son."

He watched as all three of them dropped their jaws.

"Okay, what?" Kevin asked.

"I have a son," he repeated. "This is Freddie. Liv _adores_ him."

"Dude, that's awesome, but how-"

Rachel and Jay exchanged glances. "I, uh, I was pregnant when I disappeared. Freddie was born when I was, uh, away. As soon as I saw Jay it didn't take a genius to work out who his dad was."

"That's crazy," Kim took a gulp of her vodka. "But awesome."

"Yeah, it _is_ pretty awesome. He's amazing," Jay nodded before taking a sip of his own drink. He frowned when his friends went quiet. "What's up?"

Kim chewed her lip. "We were just curious," she swallowed. "We've obviously seen the papers and everything, but we're not really sure how much of it is true. Did Izzy-"

Jay sighed, he didn't want Izzy to be the main topic of conversation on a night with his friends, but he would have to tell them sometime. "Izzy was to blame for this whole nightmare. She was working with her brother and they were responsible for.." He glanced at her again, knowing it would obviously be making her uncomfortable. "Responsible for taking you away from me."

"That son of a bitch," Adam offered his feelings.

"Jay," she started, she couldn't stand for him to be emotional tonight. Not now in a bar, with their friends.

He shook away his emotion and it was soon replaced with a tinge of anger. "I just can't move past the fact that I trusted her with the kids. I pretty much trusted her with my _life_. It just… doesn't bear thinking about."

"Well now you don't have to," Kim offered, raising her glass into the air. "You guys found your way back to each other. Here's to what happens from now on," she motioned for the others to join her arm.

Jay shook his head, almost as though he was shaking all thoughts of Izzy from his mind. "You're right Burgess, and that's all we're going to focus on now, right?"

"Of course," she watched his hand tap against the table top and moved her own to grasp the back of it. She tilted her head to the side and looked at Jay. "What happens from now on is all that matters."

Their conversation flowed and Jay occupied the seat next to her. For the majority of the night, it was almost as though she hadn't been away for five years; it felt like old times again. Kim and Rachel bonded over their shared interests, and Jay listened to the conversation as Kevin and Adam shared memories with her about what cases they'd shared in the past.

It was good to hear her laughing so much. Even though he was pretty familiar with what it sounded like, each new time he heard it her laugh still managed to send tingles up his spine. It was a noise he could listen to forever.

And now he had the opportunity to do so.

Adam excused himself from the booth to go to the bar. He came back with suspicious looking glasses of liquid.

"Shots!" He shouted.

Rachel shot Jay a look, as if to tell him she couldn't stay for shots. Especially when she couldn't drink. Once glance between them was enough for him to understand.

"And on that note, I think that's time for us to go," Jay laughed.

"Awh, what?" Adam exclaimed, shuffling back into the booth beside Kim. "You're not even staying for shots?"

 _Quick, think_. "Dude, I just got my wife back. If you're asking me to choose between sitting here getting drunk with you or going home with her, I know what I'm about to pick."

He earned a laugh from all three of them.

"Fair point, man. We'll see you soon."

They waved goodbyes and walked from the bar, her head nestled close to his chest.

* * *

She lay comfortably on the mattress, her head resting against his shoulder. She smiled into the darkness as she felt his fingers trace the smallest circles on her bare stomach.

He knew she was quiet, and he couldn't help but think that he'd overwhelmed her tonight. Meeting their friends again was probably a really big step for her. At the same time though, Jay was glad she'd been reacquainted with them.

"What's on your mind?" He turned his head towards her and lowered position to kiss against her hair.

"Hmm?" she drifted free from her thoughts. "It's…nothing."

"I think you're lying."

"Why would you say that?" she said quietly.

"Because I know you, and I think you're lying."

"I'm…it's stupid," she whispered.

"It's not stupid. What's on your mind?" he repeated.

She was silent for a few minutes before she spoke, using the timid-est voice he'd ever heard. "I'm scared," she whispered.

It wasn't working trying to make out her features in the darkness. Jay rolled away from her and turned on the bedside light. Then he propped himself on an elbow and continued caressing her stomach. "What are you scared of?"

The fingers of her left hand moved down to join where his were continuing to make swirls on her lower abdomen. "This. I'm scared of _this_. Jay, we've already had two babies together and the case with _both_ of them is that I can't remember the first four years of their lives. I missed out on their first word, first crawl, first everything. What if I can't do this? What if it's too painful? What if something happens?"

Jay dropped his head towards her. "Hey. First of all, I'm not going to let anything happen to you. You're my life now and I promise nothing is going to happen. We're going to get through this together and make our family complete."

"But-"

"Baby, shh. Don't worry about anything right now, you're okay. You're _more_ than okay. You're alive and you're here and that's all that matters right now."

He ducked his head back to the pillows and kissed her forehead before kissing her properly, running a hand along her jaw in the process.

She reached for his face, cupping it in both of her hands. "Okay," she managed, fighting away the tears forming along her eyelids. She was quiet for a few minutes and watched as he rested back against the pillows beside her. "You know, we still need to change Freddie's name," she said.

Jay nodded. "That's true, we could do that tomorrow."

"I want to change my name, too."

He turned to face her again. "You do? Amazing," he grinned. "Although, you've always been a Halstead to me."

"It would be nice," she chewed against her gum. "But I didn't mean my last name."

His eyes grew wide with shock, with genuine surprise. He hadn't expected it, thinking the other night when he'd called her Erin had been a one-time thing. "Wait, you..wh-"

"I was Rachel when I was with Dan. It was a name he made up for me, and that's not who I am. I want to be Erin when I'm with you."

For a second, he didn't move and she thought he was too stunned to say anything. When he did move, he got out of the bed which was something she hadn't expected him to do.

Her brow furrowed. "What, where are you going?"

She watched as he walked over to the set of drawers he kept in his bedroom, drawers she knew were full of his personal stuff and she didn't ever go near them. "If you want to change your name, we should do it properly."

"I don't understand-"

She watched as he opened the top drawer, fumbled around for a second before taking something out and closing the drawer again. She sat up in bed and watched as he came back to her. Before he did she watched as he seemed to take a deep breath and suddenly dropped to one knee, opening the box he'd taken from the drawers.

"What are you do-"

"Marry me."

"Jay, we're already married," she said softly.

He didn't stay on one knee for long, instead crawling towards her on the bed with the box still wide open. "Baby, it's time for us to make new memories. I want forever."

 _I want forever._

" _I'm sorry that restaurant was such a bust," Jay groaned as he took her hand in his own and led her back to the car._

" _Hey, it's not your fault," she replied reassuringly, sinking into his embrace as they returned to the car-park._

 _He opened her side of the car. "Did you want to go somewhere else? We could try a different place," he suggested._

 _She grinned. "I kinda wanna just go home and order take-out. Can we do that instead?"_

 _He joined her in the car. "Really? It's our anniversary and you want to spend it at home with take-out?" He raised his eyebrows as she looked at him from the corner of her eyes. The way she always looked at him to get what she wanted._

" _Jay, I couldn't think of anything better," she grinned. "Let's go home."_

 _He didn't need to be told twice, his foot flat on the accelerator on the journey back to their house. She called the take-out when they were a couple of blocks away and it arrived at the same time as them._

" _I'm gonna change, I'll see you in the lounge in a second." She shouted through to him before running up the stairs. She found one of Jay's T-shirts before she found any pyjamas of her own, so threw it over her head and made her way back to the lower level of their new house._

 _He was about to get changed too, but couldn't do it whilst she was in the bedroom. He couldn't risk her finding the black velvet box he'd been carrying around all night, the one that was burning a hole in his pocket. Her familiar footsteps in the corridor told him it was safe to go upstairs._

 _Jay was sure she dressed herself only in his T-shirt to turn him on even more than he was whenever he saw her. He groaned as he passed her in the hallway, looking back behind him as she walked half-naked into the lounge. He reached their bedroom and stripped himself of his jeans, taking out the box and putting it in the drawer of his bedside table._

 _No matter what, he was going to do it tonight._

 _He found pyjama shorts and walked back downstairs to join her. Erin was already scooping out their food into dishes and she handed a full one to him._

" _Thanks baby," he collapsed onto the couch. "This looks and smells so good."_

" _Right? It's the one we always use but somehow tonight I don't know, it looks even better," she laughed._

" _Almost like they knew to make it extra special because they know what day it is for us," he winked in her direction._

" _I think you're right," she almost threw her head back laughing then joined him on the couch with her own dish._

 _He finished before her and watched as she forked the rest of her food into her mouth. She'd tied her hair into a top bun, was wearing his plain clothes and she was stuffing her face with Chinese food but she still managed to tick the boxes for the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen._

 _And tonight he was going to do something about it._

 _Erin put her empty dish on the floor. "What should we do now?"_

" _We could watch a movie in bed?" he raised an eyebrow._

 _She giggled. "You know what happened the last time we said we were going to watch a movie in bed-"_

 _He moved closer towards her. "Exactly," he whispered, tugging at the material of his T-shirt so she was on top of him._

 _She laughed against him, closing her eyes and tracing the line of his lip with her tongue. Both of her hands went to his jaw having a firm hold on his face. "Actually a movie sounds perf-"_

 _She didn't have the opportunity to finish her sentence before he'd held tight under her thighs and lifted her into the air. He almost ran up the stairs and towards their bedroom, where he lowered her gently onto the comforter._

 _He balanced himself on top of her, his eyes drifting over her bare skin as the T-shirt rode slowly up her body._

 _He was about to get lost in her, and that meant he'd probably forget…_

" _Wait," he managed. "I have a question for you,"_

 _She almost groaned when he pulled out of her embrace. "What, what is it?" Her hands dropped to her sides when he lifted his weight off her and moved to the side table._

" _I just wanted to ask you something tonight," he said as he fumbled with whatever was in the drawer._

 _Erin propped herself up on her elbows, confused at his cryptic tone. "What did you-" Her eyes widened as she saw what he was pulling from its hiding place. Her mouth opened and closed but no words came out of her._

" _This thing has been burning a hole in my pocket all night. This was why I was so disappointed with the restaurant I picked, because tonight was supposed to be perfect. I've had this for a while but it was the other night when I knew. The other night when we were in this bed and you were talking about starting a family, and I knew I had to do this right," He paused to look as the tears began to stream down her face. "Maybe I should have postponed this until another date night, but I can't wait any longer. You're my life now and I want forever. Will you marry me?"_

 _She couldn't muster up words at first, but a firm nod of her head indicated her answer to him. She watched in awe as he crawled towards her on the bed and kissed her, the same time as holding the fingers on her left hand in the softest touch._

 _She stared down in wonder as he removed the exquisite ring from its temporary home and placed it on its forever one. The silver band slid on perfectly before he reached for her face and fused their lips together._

"What did you say?" she managed a few words between the shaky breaths she was taking.

"I asked you to marry me. Again." he whispered.

"No, after that. What did you say after that?"

"I said that's it's time for us to make new memories and that I want _forever_."

Her eyes slid shut as he said it again. _I want forever_. A smile spread across her face before she opened her eyes again. "I remembered," the words almost slipped silently from her lips.

"You remember?" He shuffled closer to her and closed any remaining gaps between their bodies. "What do you mean, you remember?" he asked, confused.

"I mean I _remember_. I remember when you proposed to me. I remember the shitty restaurant, the Chinese take-out, the way you pulled my ring from your bedside table. I just…I _remember_."

Erin had never seen him cry before, or not that she could remember, but now was probably the closest he'd get. She watched as he too closed his eyes and the softest smile graced his face.

"And did you remember the answer you gave me, the first time I did this?" He took her left hand into his grip.

She glanced away from him. "I don't," she replied.

"That's okay," he said. "The first time you didn't really give me an answer we just kind of…uh…" His eyes darted down towards the mattress.

"Oh," she giggled. Erin leaned up onto her knees and wrapped both of her arms around his neck. "I guess you can have your answer tonight then." She pressed her lips gently against his before backing away just enough to look into his eyes. "Yes Jay Halstead, of course I'll marry you."

He pulled the ring out of its box and slid it along her third finger. For a second, he just looked down at it. "You know, there was a time a few months ago when I never thought I would have this opportunity again. And now here you are, you found your way back to me. _Erin_ ," he emphasized because it felt so good to say. "I love you more than I did yesterday and my love for you will probably grow even more tomorrow. This is our time tonight, this is our forever."

And not for the first time tonight, she knew he was right.

The End

* * *

 **Hey guys! Thank you so much for sticking with this story! It's been an absolute pleasure to write it...As always, final reviews are greatly appreciated.**

 **Jess :) x**


	18. Epilogue: Part I

**Hi! So I'm back with an Epilogue, because so many people have asked for one... I'm thinking maybe three parts, but I'll have a think!  
Also, if there's anything you wanna see don't hesitate to let me know.. **

* * *

"Are you okay, Mom?" Olivia walked into the small hotel room and let the door click shut behind her.

"Hey honey, I'm fine," Erin smiled as she turned her back to the full length mirror she'd been staring in, to look at her daughter instead. She took a minute to gaze at the young girl's dress, the soft pink material running to just below her knees. Looking at her, Erin suddenly recalled a conversation between the two of them.

"Oh my God," she cussed. "You don't like pink!"

Olivia folded her arms across her chest looking, for a second, as though the pre-teenager in her was about to come out with a sassy comment. But then her expression softened and she looked at her mother.

"Relax, Momma. This is your day. I think I'll be okay wearing pink for a few hours." She walked over to where Erin was standing, her white sandals ruffling the carpet beneath her feet. Olivia lifted her hand and gently ran her fingers down the material of Erin's dress. "You look real pretty today, Mom."

Erin ran a few fingers through Olivia's curls, the ones she'd inherited from Erin herself, and lightly pressed her lips to her daughter's forehead. Olivia wasn't entirely keen on being kissed by her parents but today, she didn't back away.

"Thank you, honey," she dropped her arms from around Olivia. "How's your Dad?"

She hadn't seen him last night or this morning, and it already felt like an eternity. _Damn Jay Halstead and damn his stupid fucking traditions._

"I think he's nervous," Olivia found it funny though, laughing behind her hand. "Uncle Will is in there and Dad was yelling at him. Oh!" She ran back towards the door of the hotel room and picked up something from the small purse she was using. "Daddy wanted me to give you this."

The young girl handed something to Erin, smiling as their hands touched.

Erin sat on the edge of the bed as Olivia handed her the box. _He's got me a present_ she thought as she began to unravel the sweet white paper.

Jay's handwriting- she knew it was his from the way the t's were crossed, and the shape of his a's- is the first thing she sees.

 _Open the box first, then you can read this._

A smile begins to turn the corners of Erin's mouth: the bossy side of him is one of the one's she loves most. Beneath his writing, there is a small Tiffany-blue box. Nestled in a bed of satin, there's a delicate silver bracelet. The air hitched in Erin's throat.

"What is it, Mom?"

Erin was vaguely aware of the other voice in the room, but she didn't answer until she'd read Jay's note.

 _Good Morning Beautiful,  
Now that you're reading this, it means we're minutes away from being husband and wife (again)  
I found this bracelet and I knew it had to be yours. I know the charms on it are incomplete right now, but we'll fill it soon enough.  
I can't tell you how happy it makes me that you found your way back to me, but I'm at least going to try.  
See you in a few minutes,  
-Jay _

His note made more sense after Erin re-examined what was in the box. Dangling from her gift, charms to represent each of her children. Well, the ones that were with them currently. _Olivia and Freddie_.

Erin had tried to promise herself that she wasn't going to cry today. She couldn't spend today looking weepy, especially in front of everybody.

"Mom, what is it?" This time, Olivia walked over to her and peered into the box. "What-"

"It's a present from your Dad," Erin said as she lifted it from the resting place. "You think you can put it on for me?"

"Sure," Olivia dug her nails into the clasp and wrapped it around her mom's wrist. The charms he'd chosen dangled from her wrist, the light from the hotel room bouncing off the silver.

"Knock knock," A manicured hand appeared around the door before Tori walked into the room. She gasped and threw her hands against her face when she caught sight of Erin. "Oh my God, you look-"

"Don't," Erin shook her head. Her hormones were in overdrive and if Tori even paid her the slightest compliment, her make-up would be ruined. And she didn't have the time, or the steady hand, to do it again.

Tori seemed to understand. "Okay," she smiled. "Stupid question, but how are you feeling?"

Erin turned back to the mirror, her reflection looking out back at Tori. _Well I was fine, but now you've brought it up._ She breathed out deeply, smoothing the front of her dress over the slightest hint of her baby bump.

"I'm alright," she fiddled with lose pieces of hair, positioning them over the scar on her temple. "I've done this before, right?"

"You have indeed," Tori's eyes closed as she seemed to remember.

Erin had forgotten they were friends before everything happened. Tori had been there the first time she'd married Jay. Since her duties as a lawyer were no longer required, or at least they weren't for now, Erin classed her more as a friend.

"Was I nervous the first time?" Erin turned around to look at Tori.

"I don't know," Tori laughed. "Your first wedding, most of your friends were at the evening. You and Jay wanted an intimate ceremony through the day, so most of us came along for the after party."

"Oh," she attempted to hide the disappointment in her voice, the fact that she couldn't remember certain elements of their past life still killed her. Her eyes dropped slowly to the floor so her friend and daughter wouldn't see her getting emotional. Even though it was understandable.

"Hey," Tori closed the space between them and took one of Erin's hands into both her own. "We're not dwelling on the past today. You're here now, and you're gonna do this and that's all that matters for now."

Erin nodded: Tori was right. _What was it Jay had said the night he proposed_?

 _It's time for us to make new memories._

"You're right," Erin replied, searching around the room with her eyes. "Did either of you see my flowers?"

"They're right here, Mom!" Olivia reached towards the vanity and gave the wreath to Erin. "I'm gonna go back out there, I'll make sure everybody has somewhere to sit," she waved.

Erin smiled: her daughter was only almost eleven and she was already looking after her, acting like the adult she would grow up to be.

"Okay honey, I'll see you out there." She watched as Olivia grabbed her small purse from the bed and exited the hotel room.

Erin turned around to check what she looked like again.

"Alright you," she felt Tori walk up behind her. "Let's go get you married. _Again_ ," she added, smiling.

* * *

"Jesus Christ, can you stand still for like two seconds? You're giving me a fucking headache!" Will shouted, watching as his younger brother paced the length of the room.

"Language!" Jay suddenly turned, his eyes averting to his young son in the corner of the room. Luckily, Freddie seemed too preoccupied with a box of cufflinks to pay attention to his uncle's foul mouth.

Will swatted his hands against the arms of the chair he was sitting in. "Dude, seriously? What is wrong with you? You've done this before!" He sat watching as Jay moved from the mirror, to look at his son and then over to lean against the vanity.

"Don't you think I know that?" Jay spun quickly to glare at his brother. _Who's idea was it to get ready together?_ Will was doing a pretty good job of stressing him out. "You know this time is different," he continued, playing with the collar of his dress shirt.

"Different how exactly?" Will stood from his sitting place and walked over to his brother. He raised an arm to adjust the square handkerchief that was sticking from the dress pocket of his jacket.

"Will, she doesn't remember anything about the life we had before. What if she doesn't want to actually marry me? What if this is too quick for her, and she doesn't-" Jay's eyes narrowed as he heard laughter escape from Will's throat. "Hey, this isn't funny you dick," he whispered under his breath.

"You need to relax. She said _yes_ , didn't she?" Will patted Jay's shoulder. He thought about adding a sarcastic comment, like _Maybe this time, she could have chosen the better brother_ , but he wanted to get through today without a punch to the face from Jay.

He continued. "Dude, she _loves_ you. That much is so obvious and you're even more of an idiot than I thought if you don't _know_ that. She's carrying your third child. She came back to you. Now stop being ridiculous, and pull yourself together."

"I haven't heard from her all morning-"

"Jay, Tori is with her. Olivia took along your present for her. And _you're_ the one who wanted to keep with tradition and not see her before the ceremony. So you can't be pissed at anyone else for that."

It felt like a parallel universe when Will Halstead started making sense. Jay opened and closed his hands a few times, several beads of nervous sweat trickling down to his palms.

He didn't want Will to have the satisfaction that he was right, even though Jay knew he was. He took a breath and walked over to Freddie who was still in admiration of the twisty bits of silver.

Jay bent beside him. "How're you doing, Fredster?"

"Good, Daddy! Can I have these?" He pointed to the two silver shapes in the box.

"Daddy has to wear them, son. But I can make you a deal," he reached into the pocket of his trousers and pulled out a similar sized box. He opened it, watching as Freddie's eyes widened even further and he gasped. "Mommy and Daddy are gonna need these soon, but I need you to look after them for me. You think you can do that, my man?"

Freddie's head nodded up and down, his jaw still wide as he looked into the box. "I can do that, Daddy!"

Jay closed the box again and pressed it into Freddie's grip, who held onto it with dear life.

"You know," Will walked over to them and ruffled his nephew's hair. "I think I preferred your first wedding when you had _me_ as your best man. I guess he's the only guy that I'm accepting to replace me," he laughed and looked at Jay. "Now, are you ready to do this?"

The feeling of being able to wed her again was almost enough for him to choke up. There had certainly been those years where he thought she was dead, where there'd been absolutely no chance he'd even see her again let alone marry her. Jay gulped a breath and picked Freddie into his arms. His son was wearing an identical suit to his and Will's, complete with matching tie and a folded silk handkerchief.

"Absolutely," Jay nodded, reassuring himself as well as his brother.

When they got to the elevator, Jay set down Freddie and gripped his hand instead. The little boy's other hand was still clasped tight around the black box, and Jay smiled.

The bottom floor of the hotel was already overcrowded. Jay spotted Olivia attempting to usher some of them into the room. He walked over to her and held onto her shoulder.

"Hey Livi," he whispered.

She spun to face him. "Dad! I think everybody is nearly here," she caught the attention of some of them. "Look! There's your work friends!"

Jay changed his angle to wave at them, feeling slightly guilty that he'd thought twice about inviting them. Izzy had been the only one involved after all, nobody else. And she wasn't a problem for them anymore.

He didn't want to spend time greeting everybody though, leaving Olivia to do what she was doing. He found Will again, kept a tight grip on Freddie and walked towards the ceremony room.

As soon as he reached the front of the room, the minister greeted him. Soon after the numerous voices behind him told him the room was filling with guests.

Like Jay had promised himself, he kept his eyes firmly forwards and didn't look the other direction even when the wedding march began to play. His senses felt heightened as he almost felt the floor move as everybody stood up.

 _That meant she was in the room._

Jay fought to stand still until he felt Freddie's hand wiggle around in his own. As he looked down, he realized Freddie had turned around.

The music quietened and Freddie's gasp went straight through him.

"Daddy! Mommy looks like a princess!"

 _Yeah, I'll bet_ he thought. As Freddie's persistent tugging of his hand continued, Jay forgot all about what he'd said and turned around.

He felt himself taking in a violent breath of air, because the air that was already there suddenly clogged his lungs.

All of a sudden he was back to eleven years ago, the last time he'd seen her in a wedding dress. He recalled the feeling of being rendered speechless at the sight of her.

This time though, watching as she practically glided down the aisle-way towards him with their daughter at her side and their third baby's shape just only visible through her dress, she looked like an angel. _His angel._

By the time she'd approached where he was standing, Jay had _almost_ managed to compose himself. Their eyes locked and his heart thumped loudly in his chest. When she was in his reach, Jay dropped his grip on Freddie (who ran to his sister's side) and held Erin's fingers in his own. She dropped the bouquet of daisies she was holding into her daughter's hand so she could feel his caress.

He ran a thumb across her fingertips, feeling whatever nerves she'd had escape from her touch.

"You look beautiful," he mouthed.

Erin watched his mouth move, nobody could hear but her, and she smiled softly. Her insides were melting with the way he was looking at her: intensely into the soul like they were the only people in the room.

Jay closed as much space as he could between them, but took a hand and pushed a couple of curled strands behind her ear. He knew it was her attempt to hide the scar on the side of her face, the one she'd got from her accident. But to Jay, it was a reminder of what brought her back to him. A reminder of what made Erin _Erin_.

He let his eyes fall down to her dress. It was simple and elegant, the kind Erin had wanted, with a material trail that followed behind when she walked.

The strapless corset followed the line of her chest which, to Jay's secret delight, had grown down to her pregnancy. One that was so sacred this time, because she would remember it.

Most of his attention though, lay on the protruding area of her dress where their baby was growing. Erin was a few weeks passed the first trimester, and the bump was finally starting to show. Jay recalled she seemed to be bigger than she had been with Olivia, but this wasn't their first baby and she was showing sooner.

 _Oh, he just wanted to touch her._

Jay was totally preoccupied taking in the sight of the woman he loved that he almost missed the minister as he started addressing the couple and their guests. He turned his attention to the man as he spoke, but didn't drop his hold on her.

They listened as the minister speeded through a prayer before concentrating on the groom. "Do you have the rings?"

"I do, I do!" Freddie jumped up and down, holding the box in the air that Jay had given him. His parents, as well as most of the room's guests laughed at him as he ran towards the man dressed in robes at the front of the room. With the sudden eruption of noise, he ran back to his sister.

Jay took the silver wedding band from the box and placed it onto Erin's third finger. She waited for a few seconds, her fingers still in his hold, before she did the same, her delicate fingers trembling as she pushed the matching band onto Jay's hand.

"Now, your vows." The minister spoke up.

Jay sucked in a breath: it was the most important aspect of their ceremony, but also the one that made him the most nervous. Their previous wedding, he and Erin had reworded already existing oaths in their private ceremony.

This time, they'd written them about a month ago: around the time they'd been for Erin's twelve week check-up. They'd laughed, argued a little and Erin had cried but they'd eventually came up with what both wanted to say. Instead of reciting vows in their entirety, Erin and Jay decided to say them together, alternating the lines.

Jay turned his attention from the officiator and looked into Erin's eyes. "Are you ready?" he asked.

"Yes," she whispered, a smile spreading across her cheeks.

Jay nodded and cleared his throat. "I vow to love you," he began.

"I vow to love you," she repeated, her voice sounding stronger than she'd expected it to.

"To respect you."

"To care for you."

"To make you my priority," Jay ran a knuckle down Erin's cheek, the one furthest away from their guests and her head rests against his hold.

"To laugh at your lame jokes," her lips spread into a smirk and Jay chuckles.

"To be patient with you."

"To support you."

"To cherish you."

"To tell you how happy you make me."

"To protect you."

"To believe in you."

"To believe in _us_ ," Jay emphasizes and clenches his hands tighter over hers.

"To never give up," the tears threaten the corners of her eyes.

"To never, ever, give up."

"To wait for you," she ended, knowing just how much meaning the last vow had for them.

"To wait for you forever," Jay finished, fighting away his own tears.

They paused and turned back towards the minister in unison. "Then, with the power invested in me by the state of Illinois, I can say you're man and wife, _again_ ," He laughed, to the amusement of the couple too. "You can kiss your bride-"

"Finally," Jay grinned before cupping Erin's face in his hands, feeling one of her own hands running through his hair. She gazes at him with such love and trust, trust that means a lot to her given everything they've been through, that is takes Jay's breath away.

He slowly leant down and brushed his nose against hers before sweeping his lips over hers. Erin sighed against him as Jay's arms slid around her back and pulled her as close as she could be. His hands moved back to the front of her and cupped the small baby bump between them in his hands.

Their guests broke out into applause, rising from their seats. Olivia ran over to them, holding Freddie's hand who was running along beside her.

Jay rested his head against Erin's as she ran fingers down his cheek. "How are you feeling?" His eyes glanced down at her stomach.

She almost laughed at his question. "Jay, I'm fine. I'm _more_ than fine. You shouldn't worry about me," she stood close to him and kissed him again, still keeping it short because they were surrounded by people.

"Impossible, baby. You know I'm always going to worry about you," he pressed his lips against her forehead before reaching for her hand and leading her down the few steps towards their children. They both greeted the child neither of them had seen much of this morning: Erin kissing into Freddie's hair and Jay onto Olivia's forehead. Then they swapped and Jay lifted Freddie into his arms, Olivia walking to her mom's side and hugging her.

"What happens next at weddings?" The girl asked Erin as she played with her dress.

"We take some photos, go eat some food and then you can dance until you're exhausted," Erin laughed, wrapping an arm around Olivia's shoulder and walking towards the aisle.

Before she got very far, Will and Tori walked towards them.

And Hank was behind them.

Erin inhaled suddenly. "What are you doing here?" She'd been at the airport those weeks ago when they'd driven Hank there for his flight home. Of course he'd been invited to the wedding, but she hadn't heard for definite if he was coming, or not.

"It's your wedding," he squeezed between Will and Tori. "Did you think anything was going to stop me from being here?"

She smiled. "I'm so happy you're here Hank," her tears threatened again. She knew they'd had a strong relationship before her accident but they weren't back there yet. But she was still thankful he was here.

"Hank," Jay joined the conversation at Erin's side and wrapped an arm around her. "You made it."

"What is it with people thinking I wouldn't have made it? I thought you knew me better than that," he laughed. "Now where are those precious grandchildren of mine?" He moved passed Erin and Jay to the children and left them in conversation with Jay's brother and Tori.

"Congratulations you guys," Tori pulled Erin into a hug. "That was beautiful."

"Hey, we try." Jay laughed, winked at Erin and hugged his brother. No matter how much of an ass he'd been this morning, there was nobody he would rather be there with him.

"Nice job, man." Will added into the conversation, hugging his brother back. "I think that was even better than the first time."

"Yup, I feel that," Jay found himself agreeing. "Now if you wouldn't mind doing what a best man should do," He turned around to see Freddie running away from his sister. "I can't exactly tell a four year old to go and make sure my guests are ready for their meal, so I'll just tell you to do that," Jay laughed. "Because I would like some time alone with my wife."

"Don't worry Jay, we've got this," Will laughed, walking away from the conversation towards Olivia Freddie and Hank.

"Yeah Jay, that's under control," Tori confirmed and joined her boyfriend.

"Great," Jay almost whispered. "That means you can come with me."

Erin was confused: their rehearsal hadn't involved Jay sneaking her away from their guests. He intertwined their fingers and led her from the hall, passed the rest of their guests discreetly and towards a further away part of the venue.

She didn't notice, but Jay motioned for somebody to follow them.

"You're wearing your bracelet," he looked down at her slender wrist and brought it to his lips.

"Of _course_ I am, it's beautiful."

"You're beautiful."

"Jay, where are we going?" Erin laughed, she was intrigued.

He pulled her through the hotel lobby and into a smaller room at the back. There wasn't a lot of furniture in it, but the décor made up for it.

"First of all," he wrapped both hands around her waist. "I'm going to kiss you like I wanted to kiss you back there, but I couldn't because of our guests," Jay pushed the lose curls away from her face and held one side of her face in his hand. He shivered as Erin melted into his embrace. He watched as her eyes fluttered, the make-up she'd worked on glistening as she did so.

"Oh, _okay,_ " she whispered, feeling the touch of his lips as they crashed against her own. A gasp escaped her throat as he did: being away from him only for a day had been _impossible_. But now, that never had to happen again.

Both of Jay's hands moved to cup her face as he bit down on her lower lip, begging for access into her. His tongue danced in circles with her own before he pulled away minutes later, breathless.

He loosened the top button of his dress shirt. "Maybe this was a bad idea. Now I don't wanna go out and entertain our guests-"

Erin giggled and it was heaven to Jay's senses. "You know we can't do that…"

"Oh trust me, I know that." He kissed her forehead. "I'm counting down the hours."

Erin laughed again and slapped his chest.

"Second of all," he whispered and moved towards the door. Their photographer was standing there, his attention thankfully had been on his phone. "We're gonna take photos today. Because this is a day I never want to forget," He froze and his eyes widened. _Shit, wrong choice of words._ "Shit Erin, I didn't mean-"

"Hey, stop it," she moved to join him at the door and rubbed his lower back. "It's a day I want to remember forever too."

The camera man spent the next half hour taking photos of the couple, before Jay suddenly checked the time on his watch.

"Shit! We need to go back into the hall. I think the food will be out soon," he said.

"Oh that's good, because I am _starving_ ," Erin's hand rubbed circles on her stomach.

Jay linked their fingers together and walked them back into the hall. The seating had been moved into tables, all occupied by their guests. As they approached the door, the music quietened and everybody stood from their seats to welcome them into the room.

Once their food was finished, Jay stood up suddenly and the room hushed.

His hands fidgeted with lose threads of his handkerchief. _How could he be the head of the Police Department, so used to public speaking and yet still feel as though he was going to throw up?_

Erin turned in her chair to smile up and him and that's all he needed to calm his nerves.

"Guys, thank you so much for coming to join us today." His eyes surveyed the guests in the room: half of them he hadn't seen since Erin's 'funeral'. Though he hadn't told them the full story, it was still definitely a shock to most of them that she was still alive.

One of his hands rubbed the back of his neck. "I know there's a lot of you here who thought we wouldn't be here today, hell _I_ thought I'd never see my wife again," he paused to gulp in air because the last thing he wanted was to choke in front of his guests. "But she's here and she's healthy and she's pregnant so we know everything still works," He felt Erin gasp and slap his hand whilst the rest of the room broke out in laughter.

"Most of you know I went to a pretty bad place when I thought she'd left us," he blinked, looked at Olivia who seemed to understand what he was saying. Then his gaze drifted back to his wife, who looked at him so intensely Jay thought he was gonna combust. Erin moved to cover his hand, the one that was still resting on the table, and she gripped it beneath her hold and squeezed him tight.

"Lucky for all of us, she found her way back to me." A couple of people in the room cheered. "And I can honestly tell you, I have never been so happy. Especially when she agreed to marry me again."

Jay paused again and pulled on Erin's hand until she was standing beside him. His arm slid around the entirety of her back before resting around her waist.

"So please, I'd like you all to join me in a toast. To Erin." He turned to face her. "I feel like I've fallen in love with you all over again today. Seeing you, walking down that aisle towards me, I knew this was the right thing. It's _always_ been the right thing..." he addressed the last bit only to Erin, so the crowd didn't hear.

"To Erin!" Their guests said in unison.

This time, Erin wrapped her arms around him. His words were finally gonna be the thing today that made her cry. "I love you."

Jay padded a thumb along her jawline before wiping the tear away she shed down her cheek. "Hey, don't cry. I love you too." His eyes took a glimpse at the large empty floor area in front of their table.

"Hey Mrs Halstead, would you like to dance?"

 **Please Review!**


	19. Epilogue: Part ll

"You ready, little man?" Jay asked Freddie, crouching down behind him. One of his hands rested firmly on the back of the seat of the bicycle- the one with no stabilizers.

"I'm ready, I'm ready!" Freddie replied enthusiastically, his little knuckles turning white because of how tight he gripped the handle-bars. Even though Jay was behind him, he could practically see the grin spread on Freddie's face.

It might have made him selfish, but Jay was secretly glad that Erin- or that prick Dan for that matter- hadn't taught Freddie to ride a bike. He wanted to be the one that did that. He'd mentioned the idea of it to his son, who hadn't kept quiet about it ever since.

Their weekend mornings in the park had become a regular thing; Jay's opportunity to finally teach him how to ride a bike.

"Alright Fredster, ready, one..two..three!" On the final count Jay stood, giving the bike a small push before it left his grip. He watched proudly as Freddie followed his advice ( _Remember, keep pedalling!),_ his helmet-clad head bobbing as he rode along the gravel. "Yeah!" Jay found himself cheering, throwing a fist into the air in triumph. "Yeah, buddy!"

Jay's yells travelled across the park. Erin watched her husband teaching their son how to ride his bike from her sitting position on the grass.

It filled her with immense emotion when she thought of Jay with Freddie: the one she loved and his carbon copy, his mini me.

They'd only been married a month – this time around anyway- and she still found herself falling more in love with him with each and every day. The way he was with the children- their children- made her see that being together again was the right decision.

Anything she'd missed with Olivia, she could witness the second time around with Freddie.

She hardly thought about her accident now. Aside from when it was things like this, reminding her that she _had_ seen all of this before. She just couldn't remember it.

She had hope though. They'd had scenarios as a family, or when her and Jay had been together, that had felt like more than just déjà vu to her.

Olivia, sitting at the other end of the picnic blanket and painting her Mom's toenails, looked up. It was almost as though she could sense when Erin was in deep thought. She wrinkled her nose and shuffled position so she was sitting at Erin's side.

"What's up Mom?"

Erin shook herself free from her thoughts and smiled- wasn't it supposed to be the other way around? _Her_ asking if Olivia was alright? She reached to push one of her daughter's lose curls behind her ear.

"Yes honey, I'm f-" a small thump to her ribcage took her by surprise, such surprise she couldn't finish the sentence.

Olivia watched as Erin's face temporarily grimaced before she let out a deep breath. It took the young girl a second to register before her face lit up with excitement.

"Did the baby just kick?" Olivia's eyes were wide.

"I'm pretty sure," Erin laughed, before it happened again. "Here," she manoeuvred herself carefully at an angle to face Olivia. She placed her daughter's hand against her stomach.

It was a minute before Olivia felt it, springing her hand away in surprise.

"Does it hurt?" Olivia asked.

"A little," Erin didn't want to lie. It did hurt a little, but wasn't that to be expected? She couldn't remember, had Olivia and Freddie attacked her ribcage so much? She wasn't sure. She still had a couple of months left, but it was like the baby wanted to be out now.

And she couldn't wait. Erin had thought she'd gotten lucky with the pregnancy. As she found herself cradling her bump- the perfectly neat circle that was such a cute size- she knew something felt familiar. Of course it did, she'd been in this position twice before.

She'd been lucky, in more ways than one. Her sickness had stopped relatively early (thank God before the wedding!) she hardly had cravings, although Jay would probably say different. She could recall several times through the night when she'd woken him, desperate for ice-cream. Apparently _this_ baby was addicted: not caring about what ridiculous time in the morning it was, if the baby was hungry…

"So, that baby thing," Olivia moved back to Erin's feet and continued her artwork on her toes. "How does that work?"

"Hmm?"

"I was just thinking," Olivia looked down at the nail brush, avoiding eye contact with her Mom. "How does the baby…"

Erin felt the color rise up to her cheeks- sure, it was obvious Olivia was older than she seemed. That didn't make a conversation about how the baby got inside her any damn easier. She found herself struggling for an answer. Before she figured out what to reply, a small squeal came from behind her, followed by Freddie coming into view.

"Did you see me Mama?" He stood by Erin's side as she unclipped his bike helmet. "I rided my bike!"

"I did, baby!" Erin pulled him close and hugged him before he collapsed into her knee. His helmet had caused his brown strands of hair to cling to his forehead.

Erin wiped against his sweaty brow with her palm. "Did you want a juice-box?" she asked, unzipping the cooler with her free hand and handing it to her son.

Freddie took it from her enthusiastically, pushing the straw through the foil and slurping a big gulp. His breathing slowed and he pushed free from Erin's knee and onto the blanket, his legs spread apart.

Erin smiled, reaching into the cooler for sandwiches. "Where's Daddy?"

"I'm here," it came from behind her and Erin spun to watch Jay drop Freddie's bike onto the grass before he took a seat next to her. "Hi," he brushed his lips lightly against hers. Then he ruffled his son's hair and smiled at his daughter. "That was fun. What have you girls been doing?"

"I painted Mom's nails," Olivia replied proudly, putting the varnish into her purse and reaching herself for a juice-box. She pretended to 'cheers' against Freddie's and high-fived her little brother. "Nice one, Fred!" She looked towards her parents. "Does this mean I can take him for a ride in a bit?" Her eyes drifted to her own bike- her prized possession- leaning against a tree.

"Yes!" Freddie dropped his empty carton onto the blanket.

"You guys need lunch first," Erin smiled, not wanting to spoil their fun but going into mom-mode. She reached for the bag of chips she'd brought and passed them to her children.

Freddie opened his packet before crushing the contents: he'd started doing it with food in packets. When his parents had questioned it, he'd not hesitated to tell Erin and Jay _"it makes them taste better!"_

"Hey Dad," Olivia said between mouthfuls. "The baby was kicking!"

"She was?" Jay's attention averted to his wife.

"He was," Erin smiled as she gazed at him. She smirked. Their decision to not find out the baby's sex meant they both had assumptions. Deep down though, they weren't fussed. As long as he or she was healthy- ten fingers and ten toes- that was all that mattered.

"Amazing," Jay reached to caress the bump through Erin's sundress. "Wow Liv, I can't believe you got to see that before me," he pouted.

"I know," Olivia giggled and scrunched her empty chip packet into a ball. She tossed it towards the make-shift trash bag Erin had set out. "The baby loves me Dad," she teased. Then she turned her attention to Freddie, played the big sister role and handed him a sandwich. "Here Fred, eat this and then we can do more bike practise."

The mention of his new favorite thing made Freddie quickly chew the sandwich and reach for his helmet. "Ready Liv," he wiped crumbs from his mouth with the back of his hand. "I'm ready!"

"Give me a sec, dude!" Olivia ate the sandwich herself, leaving the crust but making sure she ate all of the filling. She wiped her mouth too, before reaching for Freddie's helmet and fastening it around him securely. He ran towards his bike, lifting it from where Jay had lay it. Olivia retrieved her own from the tree and swung a leg over, preparing to ride alongside Freddie.

Jay cleared his throat, causing Olivia to turn around.

"Helmet," Jay gestured to the floor where Olivia's own helmet was. He got a groan in response. He got up from where he sat and picked up the helmet himself. Jay walked over to Olivia before putting it over her skull and kissing her forehead.

"Not wearing a helmet doesn't make you cool Liv," he pointed in Freddie's direction. "Plus you gotta set a good example for your brother. He looks up to you babe."

Olivia groaned again but she sounded resigned. She knew her Dad was right: if she didn't wear her bike protection, Freddie wouldn't want to either. And Freddie needed to, especially because he was still learning and wobbly on two wheels.

Her frown slowly turned into a soft smile and she beckoned towards her brother, who rode cautiously by her side.

"Bye Mama!" Freddie called out from in front of his parents. "Bye Dad!"

Erin watched as they rode along the grass, a smile forming on her lips and she unconsciously raised a hand towards them. Watching Olivia and Freddie together, the way she took him under her wing so easily, it was as though the four years they'd spent apart hadn't existed.

"They're so cute," she almost whispered, pulling her hand away from her face and smoothing over non-existent creases on her sundress.

"Of course they're cute baby," Jay flopped to sit again, this time behind her so she was positioned between his legs. "They're ours," he whispered into her ear, pulling her close. He wrapped his arms across her bare shoulders, resting his palms against her stomach.

Erin melted into his embrace, resting her back against his stomach.

"Ours," she repeated quietly.

They sat silently for a few minutes, watching their children ride the length of the dirt track.

Jay gently pressed his lips against her shoulder. "What did you girls talk about while we were having guy time?"

"Actually," Erin giggled. "I think you and Freddie came back at just the right time."

"What do you mean?"

"Babies," she pulled apart from his embrace so she could turn to face him. "She felt the baby kicking and then she asked me…you know…how-"

"Oh," Jay raised his eyebrows. "The old _where do babies come from_ question," he laughed. "What did you say?"

"I didn't say anything!" Erin looked flustered. "She caught me off guard."

"I was thinking we'd have at least a year," Jay continued.

"Nuh uh," Erin shook her head but laughed simultaneously. "You know she acts so much older than she is."

"That she does," Jay's eyes drifted towards his daughter, watching as she led the way for her little brother, pointing in the direction they were going.

"I think you should be the one to have that conversation anyway," Erin continued. "She dotes on you."

Jay spluttered. "You think her father should be the one to tell her where babies come from? That conversation won't be awkward at all! I can almost picture it.." His mind drifted to an imaginary conversation, trying to explain to Olivia whilst she looked at him as though he'd suddenly grown another limb. "Birds and the bees talk with my daughter? Don't make me do it!"

"We'll do it together," Erin nodded, running a hand across his forearm. "Besides she might have forgotten, her playing with Freddie could buy us some time."

"That's one thing we do have," he cupped one of her cheeks in his palm. "We have all the time in the world."

* * *

It was a struggle but, despite being pregnant, Erin's favorite place to sit was on the kitchen counter. She loved to sit there, especially if it was when Jay was cooking. She watched adoringly whilst he slaved away at the stove and their children were sat at the dinner table already, Olivia helping Freddie to color while also being glued to her cell phone.

Erin swung her legs beneath her and looked on as Jay cooked dinner. She stole the occasional glance in his direction, looking at the frowned concentration face he put on when he was focussing on something.

"You know I can't concentrate when you're looking at me like that," Jay smirked, looking down at the fryer. He stole a quick glance himself, when he thought she wasn't looking but their eyes met.

"Like what?" Erin pleaded innocence. "I don't know what you're talking about."

Jay went back to his cooking but Erin stuck on him for a while. It was one of the things she loved about him: he was always looking at her in a way she'd never been looked at before. Erin was sure the first time she'd seen it was on their wedding day- when Freddie had tugged against Jay's tuxedo and he'd spun around. It was like they were the only two people in the room, then. Everybody else had disappeared into a blur.

She'd only seen that look once before- prior to the wedding- and she could pinpoint the exact moment she'd saw it.

It was the first time Jay had set eyes on her, right outside this very house, when she first came back to Chicago to find answers. Answers that she never thought she would get; answers that had led her to falling in love all over again, and reuniting with a daughter who'd become her best friend.

That day replayed over and over in her mind. It tugged on her heart with some force when she thought about the way Jay had looked at her, lunged forward and cupped her face. And it hurt even more when she thought about how she didn't recognize him and pulled away.

Had he always been that affectionate with her? Even before her accident and everything that happened to separate them? You know, when they were together the first time?

Erin shook her head and looked across at him again. _Of course he had, he was Jay._

Her husband calling her name broke her free from reminiscing. "You don't want anything spicy, right?"

"No," Erin grimaced, a hand resting against her tidy bump. "Not unless you want me to go into labor right now." From the amount of pregnancy manuals she'd been reading up on, she knew hot food wouldn't agree with her. Or the baby.

"Hey, I've done this before," Jay joked. "I'd so be ready."

He was lying. They still had a lot of baby stuff to get, and the nursery was only half prepared. Plus, Erin was only six months. If Jay told the truth then nope, he wasn't ready for their third arrival yet.

"Oh I don't doubt that," Erin smiled. "But no, no spicy food." Her eyelids slid closed and she inhaled. "Whatever it is smells good though, Jay."

Jay grinned, pretended to boast out his chest and switched off the burner. He walked towards a cabinet and took out crockery. It didn't take him long to dish out dinner.

"Hey Fred," Jay shot a glance over his shoulder at his son, and Freddie looked up. "Did you want carrots?"

"Yes please Daddy!" Freddie clasped his hands together.

"He's a veggie fan," Erin confirmed. "That boy could live on them."

"Yuck," Olivia grimaced, pulling a face.

"Unlike his sister," Jay scooped a spoonful of food to taste test it. "Just the mention of carrots is enough to make her squirm," he said to his wife. "Carrots. She _hates_ them."

 _"_ _Shouldn't we try her on solids sometime soon?" Jay peered at his wife across the top of the baby book he was reading. Reading them made him feel somewhat of an expert. "It says in here-"_

 _"_ _If you quote one more thing from that baby book Jay Halstead, I swear to God I'll-" Erin turned from Olivia's booster to face her husband, stopping herself from speaking quickly so she didn't curse in front of the baby._

 _"_ _You'll what?" Jay raised an eyebrow. He wandered over from the counter he'd been leaning against to the table where Erin sat, entertaining their daughter._

 _Olivia's eyes darted between each of her parents, her chubby fists slamming against the plastic covering of her booster chair._

 _"_ _See?" Jay continued as Olivia began to squeal. "Baby definitely agrees with me." He crouched beside his daughter. "You want some mushy vegetables, Olivia? Are you hungry?" he cooed._

 _Olivia's banging continued, Erin and Jay laughed._

 _"_ _You don't think it's too early?" Erin questioned, her eyes passing between Jay and the baby. Of course having a baby didn't come with instructions: when was the right time to try her with solids? She looked like she was contemplating her decision for a few minutes. "Oh go on then," she replied, fighting to tear her eyes away from her happy baby. "Should we head to the store?"_

 _"_ _No need for that," Jay smirked, walking back to their kitchen cabinets and searching behind their cans of food. He reached to the back, pulling out a colorful jar of puree._

 _"_ _Oh baby Daddy thinks of everything," his wife laughed and rose from her chair. Erin wrapped her arms around his torso and kissed him, much to his delight. She never let the existence of their baby get in the way of showing him affection._

 _Erin pulled away a moment later, still leaving her hands around his waist. "Where did you put the baby spoons?"_

 _"_ _They're in the bottom drawer Er," he motioned to an area further along the kitchen. Jay kissed her forehead before breaking them apart to retrieve a baby spoon._

 _"_ _Hmm, mushed-up apple and…mashed-up carrots. Yum," Erin mumbled to herself sarcastically as she studied the labels of what Jay had bought. She twisted the cap of the bottle as Jay joined her with a spoon._

 _They walked to Olivia's booster together, Jay armed with baby food._

 _Erin's mouth opened and closed simultaneously while Jay fed the baby._

 _"_ _I take it you like apples, huh?" Jay said as Olivia gobbled down the solids he was offering. She seemed to respond, her mouth forming the smallest 'o' as she waited impatiently for more food._

 _Jay noticed Erin's mouth movements, shadowing what the baby was doing. "Baby, what are you doing?"_

 _Erin frowned. "What do you mean? I'm watching you feed the baby."_

 _"_ _I mean with your mouth, you goof. You're copying what she's doing!"_

 _"_ _Am not!" she protested, grabbing for the jar of baby food from Jay's grip. "Should we try the carrots?"_

 _Jay was about to suggest otherwise, that perhaps one new flavor was enough for one night. But Olivia thought different. She'd caught sight of Erin moving away with her new found taste, found her voice and suddenly squealed as loud as her lungs would let her._

 _"_ _I think you should pass me those carrots," Jay said over the top of his daughter's noise._

 _Erin scooted back over to them, this time dropping into Jay's lap and keeping a grip on the carrots. "My turn," she grinned, uncapping the jar of orange. She felt Jay's hands wrap slowly around her waist._

 _"_ _Alright you noisy baby," Erin copied what Jay had done with the apples and scooped a small mouthful of mushed carrot onto the spoon. "Here," she manoeuvred the food into Olivia's mouth and pulled away the spoon._

 _Erin and Jay watched as Olivia contemplated the new texture in her mouth and squinted a little before grimacing and spitting out the contents, all over her Mom._

 _Erin was temporarily stunned but Jay burst into a fit of laughter._

 _"_ _Oh no," Jay giggled, looking on at Erin wiping mush from her face. "You're not a fan of carrots huh baby?"_

"She spat them up on me."

"Hmm?" Jay finished dishing out their dinner.

"When Olivia tried carrots. She spat them up on me."

Jay was glad he hadn't yet picked up a dish, pretty sure he would have dropped it.

He was getting used to it. Jay told himself he was getting used to it. But each new time Erin got a memory back, it elated him. It stunned him. It consumed him. And it turned his insides to jello.

"You," he almost whispered, practically launching over to her and standing where she was swinging her legs. "You…remember that?"

Erin nodded, tugging against his T-shirt with her hand.

"That brain of yours really is something," Jay lightly pressed his lips to her forehead, one of his hands pushing a lose strand of hair behind her ear. "You're pretty amazing."

" _Duh_ ," Erin winked before chewing her bottom lip. "I remembered the memory right, right?" she sounded hopeful.

"Yes," Jay grinned, stepping away from his wife before he was too distracted to eat dinner. "One minute you were spooning carrots into her mouth and the next," he paused for a second, as if taking time to remember the memory himself. "…the next you were sporting mashed carrot on your face." Jay looked over at Olivia, still entertaining her brother. "She hasn't touched one since," he added.

"Really?" Erin looked over too. Somehow, that little additional information Jay had given-that Olivia had stayed clear of the food ever since- she cherished the memory more.

She still had no idea what was triggering her memories, how they would come back in sudden bursts and it was as though they happened yesterday.

Whatever it was, she wasn't complaining.

"Really," Jay confirmed, offering a hand to help her down from where she sat on the counter. "Come on honey, let's eat."

* * *

"Rosie?"

"No."

"Emma?"

"No."

"Victoria?"

"Jay," Erin flipped over in bed, it took some effort, to face him. She could make out his silhouette in the darkness.

"Okay hear me out on this one," he scooted closer, a hand reached from beneath the covers to stroke against her cheek. "Phoebe."

Erin silenced a giggle: if she was honest his enthusiasm was cute. The fact that he was even toying with the idea of baby names was enough to make her insides melt. Except, he did like to pick her mind about these things at the most inappropriate of times.

Like now, when all she wanted to do was sleep.

"First of all, I am not naming our child after your favorite character in _Friends,_ " she shuffled in the bed a bit- was it _always_ this uncomfortable trying to sleep when you were pregnant? She couldn't recall that. "Second of all, we don't even know if it's a girl Jay," she smiled into the darkness.

"Jeez, humor me okay?" he groaned, and Erin felt him move to lean against his elbow on one of his pillows. "I was only giving you suggestions-"

"I know," she said softly. "And I _love_ that you're thinking about it. But right now, really?" She glanced at the alarm clock by Jay's bedside, the green digits being the only illumination in their dark bedroom. "It's almost one a.m and you wanna talk about baby names?"

Erin thought she'd offended him, Jay was quiet for a minute.

"Sorry," he mumbled. "I just wanna have an input," he added quietly.

His response caught her attention. "What do you mean?" Of course you'll have an input-"

"I know. I just…missed out on that with Freddie."

"Jay," her heart ached. "That was something that was beyond my control..." she felt a dip in the bed.

She was in his embrace within seconds, he somehow had the ability to reach to either side of her without disturbing the way she was lying. "Hey I'm not blaming you," his voice was quiet, yet frantic. As though he was panicking. "God baby, I'm not blaming you." The fingers on his right hand traced circles on her back through the thin material of her night-dress. "It just sucks that I wasn't there for it."

Now Erin lay against him, practically inhaling his scent. "It does suck," her leaning close meant it came out muffled, but she didn't want to move. Instead she twisted the material of his T-shirt between her fingers: he didn't usually wear a T-shirt to bed, but tonight there was one.

Erin felt him sigh, his torso rising and falling deeply.

"While you were gone," Jay started. "There was this one memory that would keep replaying in my mind. The day you… _disappeared_ …when you were supposed to be on that plane for undercover work…you'd told me you were pregnant that morning. And I was so happy, Er. We were gonna become four. Everything was amazing," he pulled her tighter. "And then the plane crashed and I…" he choked.

"Jay," no other words would come to her, so she just said his name. Her voice broke too, even though she only said one thing.

"I'm not saying this to make you upset Er, I'm telling you to show you how far we've come. Something brought us back together because we're _supposed_ to be together. You're the one I was supposed to spend my life with."

Her eyelids slid closed as she listened to the comfort of his voice. He was right, of course. Fate was a funny thing, but it'd crossed their paths again.

"I love you," he finished, still not letting her go.

"I love y-" she started, before she was interrupted by a strike to the ribcage. "Jay!" Erin reached for one of her husband's hands, bringing it to rest on her stomach. "The baby," she said quietly.

Jay's eyes widened in the darkness as he felt the tiny pounding coming from inside Erin. The sensation shot right through his palm towards his chest.

"Amazing," the word left his lips slowly. "Hi baby," he whispered.

"I think they knew who you were talking about," Erin giggled, stifling it quietly so not to startle the child. She rested her own hands on top of Jay's.

The baby kept thumping against Jay's hand, the contact seemingly sending he/she crazy.

Erin groaned. "Now is really not the time be awake baby," she huffed.

"Would it help if I sang?" Jay offered.

"I don't think that would help anybody honey," Erin laughed again, caressing the side of his face. His growing stubble tickled against her fingers.

"Well if the baby's awake, I guess we're awake for a few more hours," Jay took away his hand and slowly got out of the bed.

"Where are you going?"

"Oh if we're awake I know what's coming," he grinned and Erin saw it as he turned on the bedside light. "I know you Erin Lindsay, and I know our baby. It's Saturday and that means mint choc chip, right?"


	20. Epilogue: Part lll

After what felt like the longest day at the District, Jay practically ran to his car and started up the engine. It felt like he got home within minutes, glad he'd managed to miss any traffic jams.

Yeah, for sure, he _loved_ his job. It was almost as though it was made for him. But cutting out as soon as his day was over to go home to his wife and children? Yeah, he'd take it.

Plus, and he couldn't deny it, he wanted to be there for as much of Erin's pregnancy as possible. Missing one of them was enough to promise he'd be there for anything she needed.

Even if that meant midnight craving runs to the corner store, he thought, smiling to himself as he recalled a specific night the previous week. It was like the baby was the boss of him already and could sense when he was comfortable, in bed, when all of a sudden- baby was hungry.

Jay fumbled for his house keys, the car locking automatically behind him.

The house was strangely quiet for a late afternoon. He'd half expected to be greeted by his son at the door, Freddie wanting him to play. Or Olivia coming up to him- asking for some of her allowance- for the mall or something. Or his wife- her senses and emotions heightened due to hormones- and she'd kiss him and pull him into the kitchen-

A guy could daydream.

"Hello?" Jay uttered quietly, though he knew it wasn't loud enough to travel upstairs. He didn't get a reply, but heard a faint murmur from the lounge. Jay kicked off his work boots and peered around the door. Both of his children were in there.

"Hey Dad," Olivia looked up from her cell phone when she noticed Jay. She lifted a finger to her lips in a 'shh' motion, so he could realize Freddie was napping. "Mom's upstairs," she whispered.

"She is? Thanks honey," he grinned to himself as he left the room. Children settled, he couldn't wait to see his wife.

Jay approached the top of the upstairs hallway and paused. He didn't have to guess which room she was in; there was a soft humming coming from what would be the baby's bedroom. He pushed the door ajar, looking into the room.

She was painting. Painting the room a neutral shade of yellow. And she was humming a strange but familiar tune. He kinda didn't want to interrupt the scene.

"Erin," he started. "What are you doing?"

She was startled at first, engrossed in her work and she jumped when she heard his voice. Then she smiled, a one showing her perfectly white teeth and cute dimple that he loved so much. Erin set down the paintbrush and walked over to him, wrapping her arms across him.

"What does it look like I'm doing?" Erin pushed herself into her toes and kissed him. "I'm painting."

Jay felt himself grin into her mouth. Opening his eyes and looking at her, he suppressed a laugh at the specks of paint splatter on her face.

"But you shouldn't be doing that alone," he protested. "Especially in your-"

"If you dare say ' _in my condition_ ' Jay Halstead," Erin raised an eyebrow, backing away from her husband's torso but without breaking them apart. "I will strangle you."

"But-"

"I'm pregnant honey, I'm not an invalid," Erin stuck out her tongue and released him from her hold. "Besides, I've gotta find something to keep myself occupied while you're at work," she winked.

"Well I'm home now," his eyes drifted to the bump in front of her. Though she was almost full term, her stomach was still fairly small. Which was nothing to worry about- according to the doctor. But, of course, Jay still did. "Let me help you."

"There's only one paintbrush," she pouted, fully aware that she was winding him up.

Jay laughed and took the paintbrush from her, intertwining their fingers as he did so.

"So there is," he kissed her lightly. "Sit," he told her, motioning towards the rocking chair in the room.

Erin huffed. "Hey, you've been at work all day. It's only a paint job-"

"I don't care. Now sit," Jay led her towards the wicker chair. "Besides, you can only reach so far," he teased.

Erin sank into the chair, curling her legs beneath her. She was resigned to the fact she was never gonna win an argument with him. She was stubborn but he was always gonna use the pregnancy card.

Her hand rested against her protruding stomach. She watched as Jay placed sweeping strokes of color against the wall.

"How was your day?" she questioned. "Anything interesting?"

"Not really," he half-laughed and turned towards her. Several beads of sweat gleamed across his forehead. _How could he patrol and control the streets no problem but a paint job make him sweaty?_

"Humor me Jay," Erin complained. "I'm sick of being in the house."

"Okay yeah. We stumbled on a marijuana farm, I arrested four criminals and Ruzek joined the mafia," he teased.

"Oh you were doing so well until that last one," Erin laughed at his attempt to be funny. "Your day was really that boring?"

"My day was really that boring babe," he confirmed. "Hurry up and have this baby so I can have this new dad leave!"

"I hate to break it to you, but you're definitely not a new dad, Jay."

"You know what I mean!" he said. It felt like there was something definitely different about this pregnancy, like the final chapter. The third trimester couldn't have come quick enough: though Jay loved the sight of a radiant pregnant-glowing Erin, he couldn't wait to meet the tiny human she was growing.

"You missed a spot," she pointed to a corner of the wall, stuck out her tongue. If she was made to sit out of this, she was gonna make sure her husband did a good job. "I think we'll need to do more than one coat of paint, huh?"

One coat of paint…

" _Oh for goodness sake! Pass me that other paintbrush, will you?" Erin guided her heavily pregnant stomach over to where her husband was swiping strokes onto the wall. "I think there's a reason you're a cop, huh?" she stuck out her tongue. "This paint job needs a feminine touch," she laughed._

" _What do you mean?" Jay smirked, automatically knowing what she was getting at. Being creative wasn't one of his strong points. In a sense, he was merely throwing paint against the wall and it wasn't difficult to see the different wall strokes. He took a step back and put an arm around her. "Yeah, you're right," he kissed against the top of her head. "I don't want you to think you're painting any higher than you can reach though."_

" _Alright," she reasoned with him, knowing how much her husband would make a fuss if she went against his word. She smiled though, knowing he was only watching out for her. It was only the other day that she'd been witness to Jay reading one of her baby books. Swatting up on the subject, considering this was a first time experience for both of them._

" _I do really like the color you picked out honey," she continued, taking over from his decorating role. "Yellow is pretty cute."_

" _I guess it's pretty neutral," he nodded, his hands on his waist. "There's certain colors I knew we couldn't go for because we don't know what they baby's gonna be," he said._

 _Erin spun back to face him, making droplets of paint fall onto the covering on the floor. Her mouth hung open a little. "I thought…you said you didn't wanna find out," she narrowed her eyes, unsure whether he was just attempting to wind her up. He could do that so easily._

 _He noticed the concern in her tone right away. "I didn't, we both didn't," he remembered clearly when they'd had the conversation. Jay stood behind her, wrapping his arms in front on her stomach. After a moment, he used a hand to push several of her curls behind her ear and spoke softly. "I do kinda hope it's a girl though," his voice was no more than a whisper. "…with your nose and that cute little dimple," he looked down at Erin as said dimple appeared, her familiar grin spreading across her face._

" _Nice save," Erin stood up on her toes to kiss him before turning back to the wall. "So I think it's definitely gonna take more than one coat of paint," she laughed, dropping the paintbrush onto the floor and resting both hands against her bump. ""Leaving it with one makes it looks kinda washed out," she said._

" _Of course," Jay agreed, looking at the joint effort of their decorating. "This one needs to dry first though, right?" he said, attempting to sound oh-so-expert._

" _Yeah you're right," Erin sighed, only just realizing how much the paint job seemed to have taken out of her. She stifled a yawn, not wanting to retire to bed just yet. She turned back towards her husband, clasped eyes on his. "Distract me?"_

 _Jay's eyebrows shot up. He was a huge fan for whatever she was in the mood for during this pregnancy._

 _Erin scoffed. "Not that," she giggled, noticing the change in his face. "Take me for a walk or something," she shifted her position slightly, knowing she would get stiff and uncomfortable if she stayed in the same one for a long time. "I wanna get out of the house," she said._

 _He knew better than to disagree with his expectant hormonal wife. To be honest, he would literally do anything for her considering she was carrying his child. Half of him, half of her. And though he joked about it, as long as their new baby was happy and healthy, he didn't care regardless of the gender._

 _Jay reached for her hand to pull her away from the small nursery. "A walk sounds good, let's go."_

"Hey, we picked yellow for Olivia's nursery too, right?" she surprised herself: the color must have activated the memory. That, or the fact she'd mentioned the walls needed more than one coat of paint.

He spun around to face her so fast that Erin thought he may stumble. "Huh?"

Erin let out a small giggle as she continued to rock back and forth gently on the chair. Her eyes slid closed and she shook her head slightly. "I don't even know what triggers it," she said. "But we painted Olivia's bedroom in a shade of yellow, didn't we?"

Jay swallowed. "Yes, we did." He threw down the paintbrush and moved to the rocking chair, crouching at the side of it. "Wow, your brain is amazing," he looked at her in awe. Of course he thought he was getting used to it, but every time she remembered something about what had happened before her accident his heart seemed to skip a beat. Especially when it was a small or random memory- they were the ones that meant the most.

She clearly planned on continuing so Jay leaned against the arm of the chair and she reached out, running a hand through his hair.

"…and then you dragged me on the walk that was so long it could have brought on early labor," she smirked, revelling in the fact it was all coming back to her.

Jay narrowed his eyes. "That was actually _your_ idea Er," he licked his lip. "And as I recall, it was also _your_ idea to continue with the distractions when we got back-"

She feigned confusion at first then realized what he had been getting at. _Hey, was it her fault that carrying a child made her so enthusiastic?_ She didn't find him complaining about it at the time. "Well you're not getting _that_ this time around," she smirked and then pretended to yawn.

Jay rolled his eyes and thumped the arm of the chair. He hadn't told her the rest of the memory to try and recreate it right now. "Well it was worth a shot," he chuckled and stood up. "I'll give this another lick of paint later. Did you eat already?"

Erin shook her head. "I knocked up a quick mac n cheese earlier, there's probably enough left for dinner," she said, standing herself.

"Perfect," her husband's stomach grumbled on cue. "Let's eat."

* * *

"But you never work on the weekend! Why are you going in today?" Olivia sulked as she followed Jay down the stairs. Freddie was hot on her heels, holding onto her hand and the railings as he traipsed behind them.

"Yeah Daddy! I don't want you to work," the little boy pouted, pulling a face and folding his arms dramatically as both children watched their father put on his work boots.

Jay sighed: inside, he felt exactly the same as them. He hated to work a Saturday but his city needed him. Even if it was only for a couple of hours, he vowed to be home for their family meal at dinner time. After he'd laced up his shoes, he bent to Freddie's level. He hoped the boy didn't remember that they were supposed to be going swimming today because then he would feel like a bad parent.

"Daddy will be home in a few hours. You're gonna have fun with Liv, right?" He looked at his daughter for reassurance and she nodded. Jay kissed Freddie's forehead and stood up, his hand resting on Olivia's shoulder. Freddie nodded and ran into the lounge, shouting that he was gonna watch TV. "You gotta look after him today for me," Jay said to his daughter, not so little anymore because she came to his shoulders. "And your mom," he added.

"You got it Dad," Olivia nodded, hugging him. Though she liked to act older than her years, she was still a Daddy's girl.

"Got what?" a small voice joined the mix and both father and daughter turned to see Erin coming down the stairs. She held tight onto the handrail, slowly taking a step at a time. The remaining few weeks seemed to be taking their toll on her as she yawned when she reached them. That was to be expected; it was the third time her body had been through this.

"Nothing," Olivia smiled sweetly and went to join her brother, leaving her parents in the hallway.

"You didn't have to get up," Jay said, wrapping her- as best he could- beneath his embrace. Her bump still appeared fairly small but it was definitely bigger than her first.

"I needed to," Erin said through gritted teeth. "I had to pee," she confessed.

"Oh," Jay hid his laughter, not wanting her to see the fact that he was amused at her discomfort. He kissed her forehead so she wouldn't see. "Hey, at least there's not long to go."

"Yeah sooner the _better_ ," she winced, leaning first to one side and then the other as the baby pushed down on her insides. "I wish you didn't have to work today," she said quietly, muffled against his chest.

Jay exhaled. "Me neither," he pulled back to look at her. "But if you need anything today, _anything_ , please just call my cell. Whatever it is, I'll cut out of work and-"

"Don't you dare," she smirked, holding one hand against her stomach. "Your city needs you. Just come home to me when you're done," she reached up to pull his face down and kiss him. "I love you."

"I love you," Jay reached for his jacket and shoved his arms into it. "Bye!"

Erin stayed in the doorway, watching as he pulled the car away. She leaned against the doorframe and waved, though now he was out of sight. Then she locked the door and waddled to the lounge, smiling at her children already sitting together on the couch. "Alright, what are you watching?"

"Batman, Mamma! Batman!"

"Oh I should have known," Erin laughed, stopping abruptly when she found it too much of an effort, and eased onto the vacant area of the couch. "What did you guys wanna do today?"

Olivia looked up at her mom. "We were supposed to go swimming with Dad…"

"You wanna still go?" she said it though she wasn't sure if she meant it. Still, Erin didn't wanna let being pregnant affect time with her children. "You wanna go swimming, Fred?"

"Swimming, swimming!" Second to Batman, it was one of his favorite things. Then he pulled a face. "But I want Daddy to come too!"

"He can't, he's gotta get rid of the bad guys, remember?" Olivia ruffled her brother's hair. She escaped from the couch first and headed for the stairs. "Hey Freddie, I'll race you to get ready!"

"I'll win, I'll win!" the little boy scrambled out from his mother's touch and followed in his sister's footsteps.

Erin listened for the sound of them reaching the upstairs floor. By the sounds of Freddie's cheers, she knew Olivia had been the best big sis and playfully let him beat her. She heard their further footsteps as they raced into their own rooms to find swim stuff. She breathed out and pushed up from the sofa, unable to ignore the soft thumping coming from her stomach.

"Hey," she spoke into the air as she made her way upstairs slowly. "Stop that. I know you're there, you don't have to keep kicking me," she stroked over the top of her tank top. Erin smiled to herself as the baby seemed to listen and the movement stopped as she walked the hallway into her bedroom.

She just about made it to the door of her and Jay's bathroom before the familiar back pain that she knew well shot across her lower back. Erin's hand rested on the doorframe whilst the other held onto her back.

"Shit," she cursed to herself, knowing it was just her luck it would happen on the one day Jay wasn't by her side. "No, no, no," she curled her hand into her fist and thumped it against the doorframe. After sucking in air through her teeth, she stood. "Liv!"

"Mom?" she appeared at the bathroom door to find Erin sitting on the lid of the lavatory, her knees bouncing up and down. "Are you okay? Is it the baby?"

Erin underplayed the pain, not wanting to worry her daughter. "I'm okay," she took deep breaths. "Can you entertain your brother for a while? I think I might go for a lay down," she started to move towards the bedroom.

"Uh, sure," Olivia nodded, a look of apprehension on her face. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"I'll be fine honey," Erin smiled and watched Olivia move out of the room towards her brother. "I hope," she said under her breath as she lay down gently on the bed. If she could lay in the same position for a while, she reckoned the pain would subside.

Erin must have fallen into a light slumber because when she woke, the alarm clock at her side told her it was after lunch time. So she had slept for at least an hour and thirty. It surprised her just how much better she felt and eased herself to a sitting position, ready to swing her legs from the bed.

As soon as she managed to stand, she knew the previous pain hadn't been a false alarm. She was surprised that the breaking of her waters hadn't woken her up: apparently the baby wanted to make an earlier appearance than she expected.

"Liv!" There was more urgency to her tone this time, and Olivia appeared seconds later.

Her eyes widened as she saw Erin's weird positioning, half on the bed and half-standing, rapid breaths of air escaping her mouth. Olivia's own mouth opened and closed, unsure of what to say. "I'll call Dad," she ran quickly out of her mom's sight in search of her cell phone. When she reappeared with the phone glued to her ear, she seemed panicked, not accustomed to seeing her mother in such a position or in such distress.

"He's not answering! What should I do?"

Erin ran a hand through her hair, several beads of sweat dampening her brow. "Call 911 honey," she managed to say while doubled over. "Where's … your brother?"

"He's glued to the TV," Olivia said, pulling the phone from her ear to change who she was calling. "Ambulance please, my mom…" then she reeled off their address and blinked several times. She still seemed glued to the spot when the sirens pulled up a short while later. The abrupt stop of them made her bound down the stairs towards the door to let them in.

"My mom…." she led the strangers upstairs. "I think she's having the baby."

* * *

The only thought that ran through Jay's mind was the last time he'd sprinted this fast to the hospital, his wife and daughter were in danger. Right after their car crash, this was the very place they'd been taken to and he'd assumed the worst; that one or both wouldn't be coming back to him.

Right now though, it was supposed to be for a happy occasion. But the panic in Olivia's voice made him think different, and he'd ran so quickly out of the District that Ruzek had followed him. And he'd brought him along in the Jeep, knowing he would come in handy to entertain their children if he and Erin were occupied for a while.

Ruzek was at least two paces behind him, not being in the obvious rush Jay was. He caught up with his friend when Jay was at the welcome desk, listening to the last of the conversation as the girl behind it directed them to the maternity unit.

"Dad!" Olivia rushed to Jay's side as soon as he appeared around the corner. She hugged him quick and pointed ahead to the doors, biting on her lower lip. "Mom's in there," she said, nervously. "Is she gonna be okay?"

"Of course honey," Jay smiled, reassuring himself at the same time. "Adam's gonna take you kids for ice cream, okay? I think we could be waiting a while," he added, stroking her hair before looking over at his other child. Freddie was engrossed in his sister's cell phone, having it turned sideways to play a game. He smiled, left them in the (somewhat) capable hands of his work mate and rushed through the double doors.

Erin was still in a regular hospital bed, not a theater, so he didn't feel guilty for missing anything important. Still, he wanted to curse at himself for going to work this morning: it was typical that the one weekend he was needed at the District was the one where their baby wanted to make its appearance.

"Hey," Jay hurried to her bedside, manoeuvring out of the nurses' way to reach her. Erin looked up when she heard the doors opening, a half-grimace half-smile spreading across her face.

"You're here," she said through gritted teeth. "I was beginning to think you weren't gonna make it," her eyes slid closed as Jay pressed his lips to the top of her head. "We're gonna be okay, this isn't too early, right?" she looked up at him.

"No," his voice was strong, knowing he had to be for the both of them. It was one of the things he _hadn't_ missed: seeing his wife in pain. Jay looked on as she worked her way off the hospital bed and wandered around the room, clutching her sides and breathing through her nose. The look on her face told Jay she was distressed: surely it couldn't be long now?

"Can I do anything, baby?" he followed her across the tiled floor, taking her hand into his own. Trying not to make any noise as she held on with a vice-like grip.

"Distract….me," Erin cried, pleading into his eyes. " _Please_."

Jay thought on his feet. So much, anything he could tell her and he was drawing a blank. He opened and closed his mouth a few times. The only thing that was coming to him was a memory that she probably didn't remember and he fought to not curl his free hand into a fist. Fuck Dan McMorris and his fucking psychotic kidnapping plan. If he hadn't have happened then…

"Jay!" her eyes had widened as though she was begging for him to say something.

"Okay shh," he soothed, stroking the back of her hand, as best he could around the IV needle. Thinking on his feet, Jay pulled out his cell phone from the back of his jeans. "I just wanna try something-"

"Now?!"

"You said you wanted a distraction," his voice remained calm, like she needed him to be. Eventually music started to blare out of the speaker…

" _Do you_ really _have to go?" Jay pouted, flopping on the bed beside Erin's open and half-empty suitcase._

" _Yes I really have to go," Erin laughed, her hands on her hips as she watched the childish scowl on his face. "It's only a few days, you know that."_

" _Maybe, but a few days without you is gonna suck," he frowned, watching his wife as she moved to collect a bunch of clothes out of the closet. "You're really leaving me and Liv whilst you go out of state," he huffed._

" _It's my job Jay," Erin turned back towards him, throwing a sweater into the case and folding her arms. "I hate that we're gonna be apart as much as you do," she said truthfully, walking to the side of the bed that he occupied. "It's gonna suck being there without you-"_

" _So, don't go," he stretched an arm to meet her. "Stay at home with me."_

" _I…can't," her turn to pout. "This is an important job, honey and I want to be the one to cover it. I'm only gonna be gone a few days-"_

" _What if the plane crashes?"_

" _Stop it!" Erin swatted her husband's arm. "You're gonna make me paranoid. I wouldn't go if I didn't have to go. It's gonna be fine."_

" _Huh, you're right," Jay sat up, pulling his wife close so she stood between his legs when he swung them off the bed. "I just don't like it when we're apart," he admitted, standing to meet her. He pulled her chin up to meet his gaze and kissed her hard on the mouth. "Just make sure you come back to me."_

" _Always," Erin laughed, wrapping her hands around him. She stood in his embrace for a moment before she parted them. Her mind floated to the radio that was on in the background. "I like this song," she said._

 _Jay nodded. "It's pretty catchy," he replied, then reached for her hand. "Dance with me."_

" _What?" Erin was surprised; he wasn't much of a dancer. "I've gotta finish with the packing-"_

" _Humor me," Jay took a step towards her again. "Just dance with me a sec," he repeated._

" _Okay," she nodded and placed her hand in his. Her head rested against his chest as they listened to the music. "I don't think I've seen you dance since our wedding," she laughed, noticing as he seemed to sway in time with the beat._

"… _just reminding you what you're meeting when you're flying off to work and leaving me and your daughter behind," Jay teased, his lips resting on the top of her head. "You know I'm kidding, I'm just gonna miss you."_

" _And I you, but if you don't let me pack I'm never gonna catch that flight," Erin laughed, pulling away from him and turning to pull a pair of sneakers out of the bottom of the closet._

" _I'll leave you to it," he pouted again, looking on as she seemed to fly around the room collecting what she needed. "Tell me when you're ready to go."_

"That song," her eyes widened. "What's that song?"

"Kings of Leon," Jay grinned, recalling that day almost five years ago when it had come on the radio. " _Wait for me, wait for me, it's all better now, it's all_ -"

"Better now," she finished, trying to laugh. "Why do I know it?"

"It was on the radio the day you were leaving to get on that plane," Jay filled in the blanks for her, their heads touching. "I just wanted to know if-"

"You wouldn't leave me alone to pack," Erin said, moving away because she was uncomfortable. It couldn't be long now, they couldn't be waiting for a while now. "You were just…oh!"

"I think it could be time," the nurse, who they had forgotten was in the room, cut in. She was watching as Jay guided his wife over to the bed and work to manoeuvre her comfortably on it.

"You've got this," he was saying, reassuring her. Erin had hold of his hand so hard he could see the skin turning purple. A small price to pay for the pain she was currently going through though.

Her breathing became rhythmic as Erin followed words coming from the midwife's mouth. _Had she really done this twice before?_

"You're doing so good baby," Jay spoke over the words of the woman, directly to his wife. He let out a small gasp as Erin continued to push, his eyes spending half of their time on her damp face and half on what was happening down there. It still fascinated him.

"I…can't!" Erin was saying, her eyes screwed together. "I'm….argh!"

"One more should do it!" the nurse spoke again, her voice louder this time telling Jay to shut up. "That's it!"

It was a moment before the new squawk filled the room, a high-pitched squealing telling them there was a new occupant. Jay jumped in surprised, moving his position slightly to see.

"Congratulations," the professional smiled, her hands full of blotchy pink skin. "It's a girl, did you wanna do the honors, Mr Halstead?"

Jay released his wife temporarily, taking hold on the forceps to free woman from child. Then he watched in awe as the nurse turned away to swaddle up the newborn. He took the baby from her, staring as she un-scrunched her face and let out another piercing wail. "Erin, she's perfect," he whispered.

"Of course she is, she's ours," she joked, her head lolling back exhaustedly on the pillow. "Let me see her," she said.

He bent a little, revealing the baby's face to her mother. "Hey she has your nose," he smiled. "And that dimple," he added, noticing the tiniest crease in the side of his new daughter's face.

"No she doesn't," Erin said, holding out her arms to take the baby from her husband. "All new babies look like that."

"They aren't as cute as ours," Jay stood back and took in the scene in front of him. Thankful that he'd got her back to experience this. An action that made their family complete. "You're amazing," he said and turned his attention to the door. "Should I get the kids?"

"I couldn't think of anything better," Erin took her eyes from the new bundle for a second and nodded at Jay. She plastered an excited look on her face as the other two ran into the room.

"A baby!" Freddie gasped, stretching up towards Erin so he could see.

"Oh Mom, she's so cute! Can I hold her?" Olivia squealed.

"Of course," Erin told her to sit before passing the baby to her big sister.

"We haven't even thought of a name," Jay realized. "Anyone got anything?"

"I was thinking outside," Olivia admitted, looking down at her baby sibling. "How about Faith?" she smiled at her Dad. "I mean….it's kind of what brought you back, Mom. And it has a deeper meaning."

Jay looked at his wife and gestured with his hands. "She has a point. I like it."

"Me too," Erin cocked her head to the side.

"Hey, me three!" Freddie ran from the side of the bed to watch as his older sister cooed at his new one.

"Olivia, Freddie and Faith…it has a ring to it, don't you think?" Erin said.

"Absolutely," her husband agreed.

He walked to the space between Erin's bed and the chair Olivia occupied. Smiling to himself: he'd done it. Erin had returned to him and now their family was complete. Jay turned towards Erin and kissed her, taking both hands and cupping her face. Not caring about the other professionals in the room.

Because this was what he'd waited for, and it was everything he'd ever wanted.

 **Thank you so much for reading, this was one of my absolute favorites to update! And reviews are always great!  
P.S: I have something new in mind but I wasn't even sure people still read Linstead fanfic. Do you? Bc I'm not sure if many people do anymore lol. If you would, it would be great to post something new! Thanks for sticking with this one =)**


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